LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 



©i^jt. Inp^rig^ T|a. 

Shelf ..JlXf LS 

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



IaIVRLY 

F*IaAYS 



-FOR- 



LlVB. 
PB-OPIaB. 



BY 



THOMAS STEWART DENISON 



AUTHOR OF 



Thirty-iix piays ; also, "An Iron Crown," "The Man Behind,' 
"Outlines of World's History," etc. 




CHICAGO: 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street. 






LIVELY PLAYS. 



CONTENTS. 

Page 

Topp's Twins, comedy, four acts 5 

Patsy O'Wang, farce 77 

Rejected, farce 107 

The New Woman, comedy, three acts 133 

Only Cold Tea, temperance sketch 165 

A First-Class Hotel, farce 179 

Madame Princeton's Temple of Beauty, farce. . . 193 

A Dude in a Cyclone, farce 207 

It's all in the Pay Streak, comedy, three acts. .. . 219 

The Cobbler, a monologue 261 



Copyright, 1895, by T. S. Denison. 



ABOUT THE PLAY. 



The first requisite in a play is action^ after that should 
be found as much novelty of incident and freshness of 
dialogue, combined with originality in character study, 
as the author can contrive to get together in these days 
when apparently nothing is wholly new. These plays 
are intended primarily for representation. 

These explanations are made because the purpose 
of a previous volume of my plays, issued without pref- 
ace, appeared to have been misunderstood in a few 
instances. 

Public approval, whether it be an infallible guide or 
not, in matters pertaining to print, is at least encour- 
aging, and this leads me to say that of my earlier plays 
there have been sold in paper covers three hundred and 
twenty thousand copies^ besides an edition in cloth. 

The Author. ' 

Chicago, July ii, 1895. 



TOPP'S TWINS 



A FARCE-COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 



By T. S. DENISON 



Author of 

Odds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A 
Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, 
Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back. Country Jus- 
tice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen 
Peddler, The School Ma'am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, 
Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, 
The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, 
Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O'Wang, Re- 
jected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P's Beauty Parlors, Topp's 
Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It's all in the Pay-Streak, 
The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues. 

Also the Novels, 

The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc. 



CHICAGO: 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street. 



TOPP S TWINS. 



TOPP'S TWINS. 



CHARACTERS. 

Cadwalader Topp, of Topp & Topp, twin broth- 
ers, oyster dealers; old bachelor, irascible, vain, 
great stickler for " honah ;" wants to adopt twins ; 
family tradition; stout man. 

Tick. [Alias Jim Baggs. ) Traveling man of Topp 
&Topp; typical drummer, rather cheeky, quick, 
appears braver than he is; ready for any adventure 
or practical joke. 

JosiAH Twiggs, old friend of Tick's father; parent of 
Angle and Mrs. Twiggs-Knott, who calls herself 
" Twiggs hyphen Knott." 

Mrs Twiggs, a mother and grandmother of " Twigg- 
sie and Dixie," the twins. 

Mrs. Twiggs-Knott, mother of the twins, and a wid- 
ow who knows how to get what she wants. 

Angie Twiggs, a bright young lady. 

Bob Spratt, seedy adventurer; he tries to work off his 
twins on Topp; in revenge precipitates the duel ; 
villain of the play. 

Mrs. Dubbledam, housekeeper from Holland; good- 
natured, slow, loquacious. 

Ginger Potts, an African; body servant of Mr. Topp; 
a good deal of the monkey; comic by nature and 
good in theory, which theory is sometimes not 
fully supported by facts. 

Dr. Short, the surgeon, an animated wooden man. 

Personages not appearing on the stage, the i-eal twins, 
" Twiggsie and Dixie;" also Bob Spratt's twins, 
the victims of circumstances, and called for the 
occasion, Benjamin Harrison Spratt and Grover 
Cleveland Spratt. 

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON. 
6 



TOPP S TWINS. 3 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage; C, center; R. C, 

right center; Z. , left; i £., first entrance; U. £., 

upper entrance, etc; D. F., door in flat or back of the 

stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



Ti?ne of playing, two hours. 



BILL OF THE PLAY. 

Act I. Topp's family tradition demands twins. 
Act II. "She's a little angel, I'll see her father." 
Act III. "Yes, Topp old boy, you are in love for the 
first time in twenty years." But the odious rival 
appears just at the wrong time and precipitates dis- 
aster. * 
Act IV. The duel. The finding of the Twins. 

I^^Though this play has full stage directions, 
it may be presented in any hall, or large parlor even. 
Two doors for exit and entrance is the main require- 
ment. Owing to the style of type the play is not so 
long as it seems. 

PROPERTIES. 

Numerous dummy letters, newspaper in wrappers, 
writing materials, gunny sack, pair of corncutters, sur- 
geon's kit, brace of pistols in case for Spratt, also two 
other pistols, pocket tape-line, cards for Spratt and 
Tick, note books, coins, crash bag of broken glass. 

Note. If no scenery is at hand suitable for Act IV, 
it may be played simply on bare stage stripped of all 
furniture and accessories. 

(J^^For hints on play, see page 72. 

7 



TOPP'S TWINS. 



Acts I&III 



Window 



•Door' 



Chair 
O 



O 



Door Table 



L 



Secretary 



o 

Chair 




Door 



A 



Act II 




, 5^ Table 



Window 



O ^^ Chairs 



Door 



_L 



Chair O 




Door 



i 



Act IV. 

Landscape Scene at Dueling Ground. 



TOPP'S TWINS. 



ACT I. 



Scene. Home of Mr. Topp. Handso7ne sitting room of 
a wealthy ma7i. Doors R. 6^ L. in i E. {N. B. — Street 
door is ahvays Z., way to inte7Hor of house always R.) ; 
also door in flat C. Table and chairs R. C. Small 
secreta?y, with mirror over it by flat L. C. 

Gin. {^Entering L. with niail.^ I never see de like 
of demail; dah's a bushel o' letters an' one paper. 
{Puts letters on table; part slide off on floor ; he does not see 
them.) Dat paper is de Sun. Massa done read de 
Baltimore Sun^ mos' ever since de creation I 'low. 
[Reads on the -wrapper " Topp c^ Topp^ No. j Druid Hill 
Place.'') Didn't I read dat easy. Pshaw! I kin read 
heaps, 'ticlarly if dah's a picter to sort o' steer by. 
My poorole mommy couldn't read nothin' but de wrap- 
per, an' I 'spect she guessed at dat. Crackey! edica- 
tion is mighty powerful sometimes. My ole mommy 
couldn't read an' she {pauses) — humph, she sold for a 
thousand dollahs befoh de wah. What 'ud yoic sell foh, 
Ginger Potts? You good fur nothin' nigger, you 
wouldn't fetch a blame cent. But your vote, dat's spot 
cash. {Bell rings.) Foh de Lord's sake, w'at ails dat 
bell. It's done ringin' all de time {Exit L). 

9 



6 topp s twins. 

Enter Mrs. Dubbledam R. 

Mrs. D. I nefer saw tings like dot already. Seven 
men haf been at de side door to sell leetle togs to Meester 
Topp. I get dem all away so gwick as ever for Meester 
Topp he hates togs already fery much. He vas a mighty 
gweer man, an' he gets no better, aint it; he say to me 
sudden like one day: "Mrs. Tuppletam, we must have 
some twins." I tinks to myself, Meester Topp, was 
you cracy ? I felt myself yoost like a puzzle, and he 
yoost keep silence; dot silence was embarrassed, so I 
said a little sharp, " Vere you get some twins if you 
please, Mr. Topp?" Dot man was awful curious, ven 
I haf temper he haf none, sometimes, and sometimes 
he haf too much ; dot time he vas very quiet, an' his 
voice like a woman's — a woman, ven she is not mat — 

Enter Ginger, L i, with more letters. 

Gin. What racket is massa into now, Mrs. Dubble- 
dam? 

Mrs, D. Twins. He says, "My gran'fater was twins, 
an' my fater oont uncle was twins; my poorbrudder an' 
me was twins, an' I'm goin' to have some twins to run 
my pisness and pack oysters." I yoost thought I'd fall 
in a heap. I guessed dot man was talkin' out of his head 
alretty; I could say not one wort, b,ut he turned round 
an' walked out. Dot was de piggest puzzle about dem 
twins. So yesterday, at breakfast, he say sudden like, 
"Tuppletam, I'm goin' to advertise for dose twins. " 

Gin. Land o' honey, Mrs. Dubbledam, look at de 
letters. {^Puts them on the table and some fall on the floor. ^ 

Mrs. D. Well, I nefer; where does de letters come 
from. Ginger? Apout tem twins? What a lot o' peoples 

lO 



TOPP'S TWINS. 7 

bin havin' twins! Twins must be plentier dan per- 
simmons. 

Gin. De postman says dese letters belong here; dey 
wouldn't take 'em at Number 5. 

Mrs. D. I yoost get even on Number 5 ; I'll send 
Number live de togs. 

Gin. What dogs? 

Mrs. D. Dere's been seven, nine men here mit 
togs dis morn in.' 

Gin. De dickens! ole massa'll take a fit. 

Mrs. D. All sorts 'o togs at dot side door. Big 
Newfounlant togs, rat togs, sky pups, oont all dot. 
Dey make me real mat say in' so often dot we want no 
togs. {Bell rings. ) 

Gin. Blame dat bell. 

Mrs. D. Ginger, why aint you more gwick an- 
swerin' dot bell ? 

Gin. {Imitating her accent.) Nefer mint, I'm gwick 
enough already, aint it? Say, I \NO^di&x— {bell violently) 
— if somebody isn't playing a trick on ole massa? 
{Voice inside from door in flat.) "Potts, the bell." 
Geeminy; ole massa done heerd. Say, anybody fotch 
any kids yet? 

Mrs. D. Dere was no shildrens yet. 

Gin. Dey'll come later, dey don't git up so airly 
as de dogs. {Bell violently, voice again.) "Where's 
that infernal niggro." {Exit Gm rapidly, L.) 

Mrs. D. Dat niggero gets so slow, efery day more. 
Dear me, I'll nefer get my work done to-day between 
te togs, te letters oont, Meester Topp's whims, oont 
twins, oont sooch like. {Exit R.) 

II 



8 TOPP S TWINS, 

Re-enter Ginger with Tick L. 

Gin. Massa aint done brekfusted yet. 

Tick. {^Seating himself by table ^ R. 6".) I'll wait. 

Gin. Sometimes massa's powerful slow comin' 
down, hadn't 3xh bettah send in youah cahd? 

Tick. No, thanks; my business can be transacted 
with him only. 

Gin. (Aside.^ Dat's bout de twins suah. 'Scuse 
me, but did you fotch de kids along? 

Tick. What's that? 

Gin. De chillen. Whah's de chillen ? 

Tick. Children ? I'm no married man. 

Gin. Dat so ? Well, I 'low dat does make some d'd- 
ference. [Bell again.) Wisht dat bell was in Jericho; 
dere's too many people comin' here I know. It's de 
sign on de dooh. Massa Topp'll jest naterally kill 
dat painter who fumbled up dat 3 so ye can't tell 
it from de 5, nor de 5 from de 7. It's turnin' de whole 
neighborhood crazy. {£xit L.) 

Tick, [Taking itp paper ^ reads o?iwi^apper, ^^Toppd^ 
Topp.") Hello, here's an adventure. I've got into 
the house of my employer, old Topp, of Topp & Topp, 
Oyster Packers. Well, it's too late to back out now, 
I'll sell him the dogs or break a trace trying. Lucky 
for me I'm on the road most of the time. I think he 
doesn't know me. He's as queer as all out o' doors. 
If he should discover me and get out of humor about it, 
he'd give me a passport to the street. [Meditates,) Ah, 
I have it; I'm not Jim Baggs at all. The boys used 
to call me Tickle. Laughed too easy and got thrashed 
for it every day, in school; it became Tick for short. 

12 



TOPP S TWINS. 9 

Now, I'm simply Tick, James Tick, Esq. (Voice out- 
side. '■ */ tell you I must see him.") Hello ! more dogs ? 

Enter Ginger and Spratt, Z. 

Gin. {To Spratt.) Hadn't you bettah try No. 5, 
sah ? I think dat's de place youall's lookin' foh. 

Spratt. I have tried No. 5 and they say No 3 is 
the place. 

Gin. S'pose you try No. 7. 

Spratt. This is the place, I'm sure. I won't be 
put off. (Takes chair , eyes Tick suspiciously.) 

Gin. Cahd, sir, I'll take in your cahd. (Spratt 
gives soiled card .) (Aside.) Jiminy, dat's a dirty cahd, if 
I hand dat cahd to Massa Topp he'll give me fits. (Tears 
card and throws it under table.) 'Scuse me (to Spratt), 
w'at did ye say youah name was? 

Spratt. (Grumbles.) Confound the nigger. I gave 
you my card. 

Gin. Massa is a little 'tickler ; he doesn't like cahds. 

Tick. I've been that way myself — after staying too 
long in the game 

Gin. (To Spratt.) Name, sah? 

Spratt. Spratt. 

Gin. (Grins.) Jack Spratt? 

Spratt. Impertinent! 

Gin. Yis, sah; long name, sah. 

Tick. By the way, what is your name? 

Gin. Potts, sah! Gingeh Potts. 
. Tick. Ginger; that's a lively name. 

Gin. Name, sah! 

Tick. Tick. 

Gin. What's dat? 

13 



lO TOPP S TWINS. 

Tick- I said Tick, James Tick! 

Gin. Dat aint no Cliristian name; ye's done fool - 
in' me. 

Tick. {^Slipping coin into Ginger's hand.) It isn't 
Tick, but Tick goes. 

Gin. i^Boiving profusely^ Tobesuah! James Tick, 
Esquire {stress on Esq.) an' Jack Spratt. 

Spratt. {IV ith offended dignity.) Robert Spratt. 

Gin. Yis, sah! James Tick, Esq., and Bob Spratt. 

Spratt. {Aside}) The monkey ! 
{Exit Gin, D. E.) 

Tick, (^///g- Spratt. Aside.) If that guy is a dog 
fancier, then I'll quit the business. 

Spratt. {Aside.) He looks too young for a father 
in adversity. Guardian, possibly. {To Tick.) Our 
business is mutual, I presume. 

Tick. I presume you know nothing about it. 

Spratt. (^Aside.) A good guess. He is uneasy. 
{To Tick.) I presume we can be friendly about it. 

Tick. {Turning away.) Presumption is a good 
thing — for a book agent. 

Spratt. {Aside.) A hard case to handle. I'll draw 
him out, {To Tick.) If I may 2L.?k, father? 

Tick. Look here, stranger, you are impertinent. 

Spratt. Then, I am right. You are a father. 

Tick. It's a lie; I'm not married! 

Spratt. Beg pardon; that makes some difference. 

Tick. Some! What do you mean by that ? 

Spratt. You need not be so touchy. This is a 
free and fair rivalry, isn't it? 

Tick. What are you talking about? Aje you an 
escaped lunatic? 

14 



TOPP S TWINS, II 

Spratt. You are insulting. {Turns away angrily.) 

Tick. [Aside.) What is he up to? There's some- 
thing here too deep for me! 

Spratt. {Aside.) I'd best conciliate him. {To 
Tick.) Guardian, perhaps? 

Tick. Guardian! What do I think of them on gen- 
eral principles? I don't like them. I had one once. 
He spent all my money, then married my only sister 
and spent hers. I've no use for them. I recommend 
you to take one. 

Spratt. Me! Confound your insinuation. You 
mistake me entirely. I — 

Enter Topp, D. F.^ conies down C. 

Topp. {Eyes them with quick keen scrutiny?) Good 
morning, gentlemen, which is Mr. Dick Spratt? 

Spratt. {Rushing up zvith card.) Robert Spratt, sir. 

Tick. {Rushing up ivith card^ each trying to get ahead 
of the other.) Here's my card sir, I represent — con- 
found it {hastily pocketing card); {aside) "card of the 
firm; {confused) my name is James Tick, Esquire. 

Topp, {With slight emphasis.) Oh, I see, James Tick, 
Esquire; and Robert Spratt, Esquire., too, I presume? 
Your business, gentlemen. 

Spratt. {Tryifig to get ahead of Tick.) I have just 
what you want sir, right here, lovely disposition, good 
health, good stock, pardon me if I say it myself. 

Tick. {Insinuating himself before Spratt.) Pardon 
me my house — hang it, I don't mean house — my goods 
are A i, good health, clean skin, and the most beauti- 
ful long ears. 

Spratt. {Contemptuously.) Long ears! I'd be ashamed 

to tell it! 

15 



12 TOPP S TWINS. 

Tick. Long winded, trim in the flank — 

Spratt. Flanks! that's indelicate! 

Tick. Delicacy, indeed; I'd like to know what deli- 
cacy has to do in this case! 

Topp. [^Annoyed and puzzled^ Nothing, it seems, 
gentlemen; what on earth are you rowing about? If 
you have any business, we'll reach it sooner one at a 
time. 

Spratt. ( Vociferating?) I was here first. 

Tick. That's false, I was here first. Wasn't I Gin- 
ger? 

Spratt. That infernal nigger sent me away three 
times before he'd let me in. 

Topp. {Stiffly.) We will consider you first. Pro- 
ceed. 

Spratt. As I said, lively disposition, good health, 
good stock — 

Tick. Can you furnish a written pedigree? 

Spratt. Pedigree! I am making a note of your 
insulting language. {To Topp.) In short, they are 
just what you want. 

Tick. Health is very important, but allow me — 
{Tow frowns at Tick who stops). 

Spratt. Their names sir, are — 

Topp. Bother the names! Gentlemen, I fail to com- 
prehend the object of this interview. I deem your 
business absurd. If you have any proposition to sub- 
mit do it in writing. 

Spratt. My dear sir, the pen cannot do justice to 
my lovely — 

Tick. By the way, are they mangy ? 

Spratt. I'll stand this no longer, your language 

i6 



TOPP S TWINS. • 13 

is slanderous. (Shakes his fist at Tick.) If I had you out- 
side! 

Topp. A vulgar brawl. {Enraged. ) This is too much. 

(Fulls bell by D. F.) A row between two ruffians in 
my own house. 

Enter Ginger, F. 

Topp. Potts, show these gentlemen out. 

Spratt. Potts, didn't I come first? 

Tick. {IViJiking at Gm.) Look here; you know I 
came first. 

Gin. (r^Topp.) I think dey come sumiltudinous. 
I'm 'fraid dey won't go. Dey's de most obstinatest 
chaps I ever see. 

Topp. Then kick them out — call a policeman. Get 
rid of them. 

Gin. (Z*^ Spratt.) Now you heah dat? Cleah out! 

Spratt. {Backing towards door L.) This is outrage- 
ous, (r^ Topp.) I'll bring an action for damages. {To 
Tick.) This is your work, you villain. I'll get even— 
(Gin. seizes him by the collar and runs him out L.) 

Tick. {Aside.) I'm going to see what this old cock 
does want anyway. 

Re-enter Gin. Z. 

Gin. Now sah, dah's de door. 

Tick. {Looking) So it is. A door's a door even if 
there's nothing in it. {Gives him a coin. Gin bows and 
slips out, leaving Tick, down C. Topp opening letters F. 
of table.) 

Topp. Annoyances go in troops, it appears. I can't 
understand why I should get all these letters and have 
so many callers too. {Feads letter.) 

17 



14 TOPP S TWINS. 

"Mr. X., 3 Druid Hill Place: 

"Sir: Having seen your advertisement for 
lady amanuensis, I hereby apply for the place. I am 
not exactly a brunette, but have beautiful, wavy, light- 
brown hair with blue eyes. Am tall, slender and grace-, 
ful, and my friends say I am good looking. " 

Well, really that's a strange letter. 

Tick. [Aside.) Oho! this is getting interesting. 

Topp. What the deuce does the woman mean ? I shall 
need an amanuensis if I answer all these. [Throws letter 
aside toward Tick and opens tivo or three more; T\q,y. picks 
tip letter. ) 

Topp. [Reading.) "Dear Sir: — I think I can fill the 
bill exactly." What bill? That is direct. Signed, Maud 
Martin. [Opens another.) 

Tick. [Reading.) "I Dress stylish and am fond of" 
— [Pause to make out word). 

Topp. [Reading.) I am a light blonde with clear rosy 
complexion and am" — [Pause to decipher word). 

Tick. [Reading.) "Fond of amusements, particu- 
larly"— 

Topp. [Reading.^ puzzled. ) What is that ? — am — am 
— edicated — vulgar thing — no, it is not edicated, [spells) 
eddicted — indeed — to the theatre. Hum; I'm not sur- 
prised. 

Tick. [Reading.) " Opera parties and a quiet" — 

Topp. Dear me, this is all very curious. She evi- 
dently thinks complexion and the cut of her gown has 
something to do with stenography. [Stops to think, 
puzzled.^ opens a?iother. Amazed to see Tick reading letter.) 

Tick. — " and a quiet little oyster supper, " Oh! the 
old sinner. I'm onto him. 

i8 



TOPP S TWINS. 15 

Topp. (Flushing angry. ^ Look here, sir, are_>'<??<{ here 
yet? And reading my letters too! This is most extraor- 
dinary! This is too much, sir! 

Tick. It is too much for one. You need help! 

Topp. Help! What do you mean, sir? I can manage 
my affairs without your assistance, I thought I told 
Potts to show you out. [Rings bell viciously.) Where is 
that niggro? 

Enter Gin. D. F. 

Gin. Did you ring, sah ? 

Topp. Did I ring? I've been ringing all morning. 

Gin. [Bowing.) Yis, sah! 

Topp. Potts, show this man out. 

Gin. I done showed him de door wunst. 

Topp. Show it to him again. Show him the outside 
of it. 

Gin. Yis, sah. 

Topp. What about these letters? They are apparent- 
ly not mine. 

Gin. De postman done tote 'em heah. Dey wouldn't 
have 'em at No. 5. 

Topp. What has No. 5 to do with my mail? I have 
not advertised for any amanuensis. Take them to No. 
5 and say it's about the amanuensis. 

Gin. {Bewildered.) A — man — you — and — what sort 
of a man did you say, sah ? 

Topp. Go! Say nothing! Pick up those on the floor. 

Tick. [Aside.) The sly old dog. He's hedging. 

Topp. [Looking at envelope.) Potts! 

Gin. Yis, sah! 

Topp. How did the postman get this address mixed 
up with No. 5 ? That's a plain enough 5. 

19 



l6 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Gin. Ye see it's like dis, massa, he's a new man 'an 
de painter done put so many querliques on de figgers 
when he painted new numbers las' week dat ye can't tell 
de 3 from de 5, nur de 5 from de 7. De 3 has a handle 
to it, an' de 5 has whiskers, an'de 7 looks powerful grog- 
gy, 'an sorter bow-legged. 

Topp. Oh! high art on a transom. I see. 

Gin. Yes, sah! High art, so high de postman 
couldn't see it. 

Topp. Have our number re-painted plainly at once, 
and see that it is a 3. Counfound this so-called artistic 
lettering. People will take the place for a Chinese 
laundry. {Bell, exit Gm.) (To Tick.) Aren't you go- 
ing, sir? Can't you take a hint? 

Tick. [Bowing politely.) lam waiting to be shown 
out. [Moves dozun L.) 

Topp. [Apologetically.) Oh, to be sure! I beg your 
pardon. 

Tick. Don't mention it. 

Re-enter Gin. L. with Mrs. Twiggs-Knott, 
s/ie goes up C. 

Gin. [Announces.) Mrs. Twiggs-Knott. 

Topp. [Advancing.) Eh? What is the name? 

Mrs. T-K. Twiggs-hyphen-Knott. 

Topp. Ah, to be sure! To what do I owe the pleas- 
ure of this call, Mrs. Twiggs-hafaknot ? 

Mrs. T-K. I beg your pardon! It isn't Twiggs-hy- 
phen-Knott! simply Twiggs-Knott. I spell it with a 
hyphen. 

Topp. And pronounce it without a hyphen. 

Mrs. T-K. Yes. 

20 



TOPP S TWINS, 17 

Topp. I see. I beg your pardon, madam! (Aside.) 
Devilish fine womani 

Mrs. T-K. Twiggs, maiden name; Twiggs-Knott, 
married name. 

Topp. I comprehend, perfectly. [Aside.) A widow! 

Tick. (Aside.) I wonder if the old Mormon will 
take this trick ? 

Topp. Mrs. Twiggs-Knott, may I enquire to what 
I owe this pleasure? 

Mrs. T-K. Certainly! I called in answer to your 
advertisement! 

Topp. (Smarting.) There's a mistake! 

Tick. (Aside.) Sly old dog! 

Mrs. T-K. I think there is no mistake. I called 
at No. 5, and they said it was No. 3. 

Topp. I am sure it must be one of my neighbors. 
May the devil take that painter! I mean, begging 
pardon madam, try No. 7. (Aside.) An adventuress. 

Mrs. T-K. I did try 7 and they said they couldn't 
be pestered with other people's callers. They were 
sure this is the right place. 

Topp. A fig for their assurance! I wish people 
would mind their own business. (Aside.) Good Lord 
deliver me! (7^? Mrs. T-K.) Madam, go home and 
make an inventory of your attractions. 

Mrs. T-K. Sir! 

Topp. Schedule your charms! 

Mrs. T-K. They are indeed very charming. 

Topp. (Aside.) The brazen baggage! (Taker.) 
Make out your specifications. 

Tick. Marked " Exhibit A/'etc. 

Mrs. T-K. Is it so very important as that? 

21 



15 TOPP S TWINS. 

Topp. [Aside.) I'll scare her away ! [To her.) Oh! 
yes, of the utmost importance. The strain is especially — 

Tick. Yes, the strain is everything, mine is all O. K. 
in the books. 

Topp. {^Surprised.) Say now I Are you here yet, young 
man ? Explain your conduct, sir. Confound you, you 
are listening to a private conversation. 

Tick. I'm waiting to be shown out. 

Topp. Oh, to be sure ! Where is that infernal niggro. 
{Rings bell.) 

Tick. The pedigree of mine is without a flaw. They 
are from Spots, mother Fly, sire, Robinson Crusoe. 
(Topp and Mrs. T-K Look puzzled.) Are yours down in 
the books? 

Mrs. T-K. In the books ? I don't understand you. 

Tick. Who was their sire? 

Mrs. T-K. Sir? Their sire? This is grossly insult- 
ing. {Screams.) Oh, dear me, oh, oh. Sir {To Tovv)^ 
are you a man to see a woman thus insulted in your own 
house? 

Topp. {Crosses to L..^ to Tick.) What the devil are you 
doing? 

Tick. I don't know. 

Mrs. T-K. {Screams hysterically) Oh, my precious 
darlings! Oh, my dear little angels! Oh, I shall faint! 

Topp. She's going to faint. {Frances around excited- 
ly.) Where's that niggro? 

M RS. T-K. {Hysterically. ) Help! {About to faint. ) 

Topp. Allow me madam! {About to support her. Tick 
adroitly slides between.^ catching her ) 

Tick. Allow me madam! 

Mrs. T-K. {Hastily standing erect.) You! Oh, you 

22 



tOPP S TWINS. 19 

wretch! How dare you! I'll leave this house at once, 
since a lady is not free from insult here. 

Topp. But, madam, allow me to explain — I beg you 
will not be hasty, stay — there she goes — {She exits in 
dudgeon. L.) (T^TiCK.) This is disgraceful, sir! 

Tick. I quite agree with you, and at your age too. 
Now why do you prefer a blonde ? Brunettes are more to 
my taste. 

Topp. {In tou'ejing passion.) Your taste? Blonde! 
Brunette! I have expressed no choice, you impertinent 
coxcomb. Why don't you go? Where /i- thatniggro? 
If he doesn't kick you down stairs, I will. {Going to 
bell.) 

Enter Gin. L. A'NGiE/o/lo7m'?tg appears in door. 

Gin. Massa Topp, a young lady dat wants to see you. 

Topp. {Cross.) Send her away, I wont see her. {Sees 
Angle .^ who comes forward smiling ; he changes.) Ah ! yes, 
what can I do for you? 

Angie. I called in answer to your advertisement. 

Topp. {Calming down,) Hum! yes. {Aside.) Confound 
it, which does she mean? {To Angie.) Be seated. 
(^j-zV/*?.) How shall I begin? 

Angie. Thank you! {Seats herself chair L.) 

Tick. {Aside.) Typewriter or dog fancier ? 

Topp. {Aside.) Can't be twins. Typewriter of course. 
{To Angie.) May I ask, do you take readily ? 

Angie. {Confused.) Why, sir, I — yes — that is, my 
friends tell me I am very taking! 

Tick. {Aside.) Oho! 

Topp. {Confused. Admires her.) I quite agree 
with them, but you mistake my meaning. I meant — 
ah — are you rapid 2 

23 



20 TOPP S TWINS. 

Angie. {^Rising offended^ Sir! 

Tick. ( Stepping between tkeni, L.C.) Allow 7?ie to ex- 
plain! She doesn't catch on. 

Angie. [Laughs.) No, I don't! 

Topp. {Brushing Tick away. Aside.) It must be 
twins, then. (7> Angie.) Write full particulars, give 
family history, etc. 

Tick. And be sure to name the sire. Strain is 
everything in — 

Topp. You are in the presence of a lady, sir. Conduct 
yourself accordingly, or I shall hold you responsible. 
[Pushes him aside,) 

Tick. You don't play that game on me\ I'm not 
responsible. 

Topp. A correct observation, on my life. 

Tick. (Getting between them.) Don't bother me. 
This is my customer. [Pulls Topp away C.) 

Topp. What is that you say ? 

Angie. (Puzzled.) Goodness, me, what are they 
both talking about! 

Topp. (Aside.) There! wrong again! It is dogs. 
(Ang7y.) Madam — miss, if there is anything I — (Stops. 
Aside.) I must be civil. She's very pretty. Miss, I 
think you had best go home and write about them, 
(Aside.) I'll buy them and drown them. 

Tick. Old Bluebeard! She's a dear little angel. 

Topp. There is my card. I'll be delighted to hear 
from you. 

Tick. {Aside.) Who doubts it? 

Angie. Thank you very much, Mr. Topp. 

Topp. Don't mention it, pray. By the way I'll take 
your address. ( Takes out note book. Tick does same.) 

24 



TOPP'S TWINS. 2 1 

Angie. Miss Angle Twiggs, Ferndale Park, Cot- 
tage No. 12. 

Topp. {Writing.) Thank you, I have it. 

Tick. (^Talking unconsciously.') Yes, I have it. 

Topp. {Fuj-ious.) Why, you cad, are you taking 
that address? Your impudence is simply amazing! I'll 
brain you, sir! 

Tick. No you wont. 

Topp. What are you going to do with that address? 
I wont allow this. Give it up, sir, or I'll knock you 
down ! [Business of sparring. ) 

Angie. {Screa?ns.) Oh, gentlemen ! Oh, oh, please 
don't! 

Topp. [Desisti/ig.) To be sure, there is a lady present. 

Tick. There is, and don't you forget it. 

Topp. Forget what, sir? 

Tick. That there is a lady present, 2. young lady! 

Topp. \Glaring at him.) I shan't forget it. I need 
no lessons in manners from you, sir. 

Tick. I was only going to say that fighting is rude, 
and — 

Topp. Have the goodness to cut short your disqui- 
sition. Now, are you ever going? 

Tick. I'm waiting to be shown out. 

Topp. I beg pardon, so you are. Where is that Potts ? 
{Rings bell violently.) A niggro is the most aggravat- 
ing of all evils. I'll flog that boy. 

Angie. {Aside.) What a very eccentric pair. Mr. 
Topp, I think I shall go. I will write you soon. 

Topp. I shall receive your missive with pleasure. 

Tick. {Aside.) Poor innocent thing. Not if I can 
save her. {Theatrically.) I will save her! 

25 



52 TOPP S TWINS. 

Topp. Eh, what's that you say? 

Tick. Oh, nothing much! 

Topp. {Bows and leads way for Angie, going L.) I 
am delighted, Miss Twiggs — delighted with this short 
call. Potts will show you out in a minute. 
Enter Gin. Z. 

Potts, stir yourself! show this young lady out. 

Gin. Yis, sah. 

Topp. And show that young man out, too. You 
black rascal, I told you to do that before. 

Gin. Yis, sah {Starts L. Angie and Tick /o//oiaing). 

Topp. Hold on there a moment. Potts! Don't you 
know better than that? Show the young lady out frstf 
{Takes Tick ^y collar a7id pulls him back.) Don't think 
you shall escape so easily. I shall hold you account- 
able, sir. 

Tick. It's my turn to be shown out. Haven't I 
been waiting for an hour to be shown out? 

Topp. You don't go just yet, young man, I have 
use for you. 

Tick. {Goes up R.) He recognizes me at last. My 
place is as good as vacant, {Turning back.) I am at 
your service, Mr. Topp. 

Topp. Very well. Now what do you mean, sir, by 
coming into my house in this way, poking into my let- 
ters, listening to my private affairs and taking the 
addresses of lady callers? This is outrageous, sir! 

Tick. {Aside.) He doesn't know me. I'll bluff a 
little. {To T.) Do me the favor to observe that I came 
here on business 

Topp. Business! What is your business, pray ? Why 
havn't you stated it an hour ago? 

26 



TOPP'S TWINS. 25 

• 

Tick. I never crowd a customer. 

Topp. {Surprised.) Customer! 

Tick, I always wait till he is not busy, then I get 
him into a good humor — 

Topp. [Snortt?ig.) Oh, you do; then let me say 
that I am not in a good humor. 

Tick. No, your humor is bad. 

Topp. And I will have none of your attempts at 

witticism. 

Enter Gin. L. 

Gin. Massa Topp, dem kids is crying fit to kill! 

Topp. Kids! What do you mean by kids? 

Gin. Wy dat gemmen left two kids in de yard. 

Topp. Goats on my lawn! They'll ruin all the 
shrubbery. Of all things I detest a goat. First we 
were beset by a legion of dogs, now we are threatened 
with goats. This is no menagerie. Put them out at 
once, at once I say before they ruin the plants. 

Gin. But massa — 

Topp. Go immediately or I'll thrash you. [Picks 
up paper-weight to throw. Gin exits rapidly Z. ) I'll 
have to part with that niggro. 

Tick. Old family retainer, I suppose? 

Topp. Yes, and like most heirlooms of no value 
whatever. He is one of the fixtures in the family 
along with our traditions. His grandfather was ser- 
vant of my grandfather; his mother was my nurse. 

Tick. It is very commendable of you, sir, to bear 
with his failings. 

Topp. Well, I doubt it sometimes. But as I said, 
he is a fixture along with our tradition of twins; twin 
brothers have been at the head of the firm of Topp & 

27 



24 TOPP S TWINS, 

Topp for three generations. When my poor brother died 
five years ago the line was broken. Now, alas, it is 
necessary to resort to adoption. 

Tick. Very sad, sir, to see an honored old house 
on the verge of extinction. 

Enter Gin and Spratt Z. {They listen.') 

Topp. Your sentiments are very commendable, very ! 
But, hang it, sir, you make too sure of your premise. 
I am on the verge, but not the verge of extinction. 

Tick. What verge, then ? 

Topp. {With sudden gayety.) My boy, it makes me. 
so good natured to think of it, and your inquisitiveness 
is so very refreshing that, by Jove, I'll gratify it. I'm 
going to marry that young lady. 

Tick. {Aside.) Well, he has assurance. A rival! 
{To Topp.) I admire your taste. 

Topp. Aint I a lucky chap? Gad, I feel tv/enty- 
five. I think fifty-five is not very old, what do you say ? 

Tick. Not so old as seventy-five. 

Topp. {Growls.) Seventy-five is not in question, 
sir. {To himself.) Ah! I'm in luck. That little 
blonde (or brunette, as the case maybe) is very pretty! 

Tick. {Aside.) I'll head him ofl^! (T^Topp.) May 
I suggest, sir, that your acquaintance with the young 
lady is rather brief. 

Topp. A fig for your suggestion. She'll come 
around all right. By the way, your alleged business 
seems to consist chiefly in poking your nose into other 
people's affairs. I have suggested several times that 
you take your leave. 

Tick. {Bowing.) At your pleasure. I'm waiting to 

be shown out. 

28 



TOPP S TWINS. 25 

Topp. O, to be sure! I beg pardon. I'll ring for my 
man. [Starts to D. F. to pull bell. Sees Gin. and 
Spratt /// door.^ Potts, you there! Havn't I told 
you a thousand times not to stand listening? 

Gin. An 'bout 'leven hundred times never to speak 
while other folks was talked to. 

Topp. Silence! Who is this person? (Spratt 
steps in) 

Gin. Dat's de man wot fotched de kids, 

Topp. (To Spratt, zuith temper.) Did you leave 
any kids on my lawn ! sir? That is actionable. I'll 
prosecute you. I'll see if there's any law for making 
bedlam out of a quiet neighborhood, and turning 
objectionable animals loose on one's lawn. Potts, take 
away those kids. 

Spratt, [Angrily.) Kids? How dare you allude 
to Grover Cleveland Spratt and Benjamin Harrison 
Spratt in that way ? 

Topp. Your nomenclature is ridiculous. 

Spratt. I beg to differ. Not knowing your poli- 
tics, I thought I'd please you one way or the other. You 
can change whichever name you don't like. 

Topp. I don't like either. I am a Prohibitionist! 

Spratt. Then change both! 

Topp. Change both! I'll have them drowned, 
Potts, do you hear that? Drown them! 

Gin. [Starting.) Foh de Lord's sake, Massa Topp, 
dat's more dan my conscience kin stan'. 

Spratt. I overlook your insult. To return to 
business, you advertised for them. 

Topp. What, I! Never! Take them away instanter 
or I'll not- answer for their lives. 

29 



26 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Spratt. You gray-headed old monster! 

Topp. {Enraged.) What! Call me names in my 
own house. 

Spratt. Yes, and I've a mind to chastise you. 

Topp. Chastise me! Don't you try it. {Feint of 
sparring. Catches crick iji shoulder. Spratt laughs.) 
Laughing at me, you ruffian! I'm not so decrepit, sir, 
I'd have you understand! 

Spratt. {Boastingly.) I could do you in a minute. 

Topp. I am forgetting myself, you are beneath my 
notice. Potts, show this man out. 

Tick. {Aside.) This is a good time for me to go 
and see Angle. {Looks in note book.) Cottage No. 3, 
Ferndale Park. 

Gin. Beg pardon, massa, did you say show him out 
or throw him out ? 

Topp. Either! Use your pleasure. Get rid of him. 

Gin. {To Spratt.) Do you see dat dooh ? 

Spratt. I'll have the law on you. {Backing out L.) 

Gin. Scoot! (Spratt exits just ahead ^/Ginger's 
boot. ) 

Topp. Here's a forenoon wasted by a pack of luna- 
tics. {Pause) What does this internal tumult mean? 
{Faces floor.) It isn't the threats of that man. Bah, 
the braggart! I feel so light hearted. My pulse is 
bounding. {Feels pulse.) About 85. I feel the bouy- 
ancy and lightness of thirty years ago. {Sings snatch 
of old song.) 

"I feel just as happy as a big sun flower. 

That nods and bends in the breezes. 

And my heart is as light as 

The wind that blows the leaves from off the treeses." 

30 



TOPP'S TWINS. 27 

I haven't been that way since I was forty. At thirty 
I was in love with every pretty face and figure. AVhat 
a pretty name, ^//o-/^. [Enter Gin) And those eyes! 
(Gin makes extravagant gestures of satisfaction.) And 
that exquisite little mouth! And what a lovely chin — 
ah! the chin is an important feature. Yes, Cadwal- 
ader Topp, this is love. (Gin snakes gesture of embrac- 
ing a lady.) Old boy you have it again, same old 
symptoms aggravated. I'll dress at once and call on 
her this very day. At my age no time is to be lost 
My age! Pshaw! Age does not consist in years. 
{Turns suddenly^ sees Gin. D. F. in act of embracing 
imaginary lady. Tableau.) 

Quick Curtain. 



ACT II. 



Scene. House of Jo si ah Twiggs. Cozy sitting room. 
Doors in i R. and L., window by door R and in flat. Fur- 
niture that of family in comfortable circumstances. Table 
7iear window up R. , pictures., vases., etc. Discovered., 
Mr. and Mrs. Twiggs seated by table. 
Mrs. T. Josiah, do you think there is anything in 

that advertisement in the Sun'i 

Mr. T. Which advertisement, Sophronia? There are 

several hundred of them. 

Mrs. T. I mean the one about wealthy gentleman 

who wants to adopt twins. Is there anything in it? 
Mr. T. a tale of disappointed aspiration, probably. 

A gentleman, without doubt, whose taste runs to twins 

and who has been reduced to the necessity of advertis- 

ing for them. 

31 



25 TOPP S TWINS. 

Mrs. T. But what do you think of it? 

Mr. T. For my part, Tdon't approve of twins. 

Mrs. T. Don't you'think he is a crank? 

Mr, T. Very likely! A crank is an individual whose 
ideas differ from yours and mine and who takes no pains 
to conceal the fact. 

Mrs. T. Do you think he's all right? iyHands him 
paper. ) 

Mr. T. {^Looking at advej'tiseiiicnt. ) He says high con- 
nections, honorable gentleman, etc. I guess he's what 
he claims to be. He must be, he says so himself. 

Mrs. T. The main thing is, is he richt 

Mr. T. Yes, that's the main thing. Honor, culture, 
family, are minor considerations. 

Mrs. T. Josiah, don't be sarcastic. You always try 
to twist my meaning round. I'm going to have Mrs, 
Twiggs-Knott apply at once. It would be so nice for 
Twiggsie and Dixie. 

Mr. T. Why not try to get this estimable single par- 
ty of high connections to marry one of our daughters ? 

Mrs. T. Josiah, how you talk! 

Mr. T. That is abetter scheme. If he takes Amelia 
he gets the twins thrown in, and if he takes Angle — 

Mrs. T. For shame, Josiah, one would think that we 
were scheming for our dear children. 

Mr. T. Oh, no! perish the thought! [Kjwck at 
door, jR.) 

Mrs. T. Hist! Go to the door. (Twiggs opens 

door R.^ 

Enter Mr. Topp, 

Topp. Ah! excuse me! Is this Mr. Twiggs? 
Twiggs. Yes, come in. 

32 



TOPP S TWINS. 29 

Topp. (^Enilmrrasscd.^ I called on a little matter of 
business, I — that is to say — 

Twiggs. My wife, Mrs. Twiggs. {Tow boius to Iicr.) 
Be seated. {Toy>v takes chair by table.) Your daughter 
gave me this address. (Mrs. T. seated, L.) 

Mrs. T. [Aside.) Amelia has seen him already. [To 
Topp.) Go on, sir. My daughter's friends are very wel- 
come here. 

Topp. I told her I would call. 

Mrs. T. You advertised. 

Topp. [Embarrassed.) Don't mention that, pray. 

Mrs. T. Oh, I beg pardon. We can guess your errand. 

Topp. (Aside.) She's a mind reader. 

Mrs. T. You have exhibited excellent taste. Such 
loveliness is seldom found, I assure you. 

Topp. Yes, I quite agree. (Aside.) A modest fam- 
ily truly! 

Mr. T. (Nudging his wife.) Go slow at first. 

Mrs. T. At your age, sir, to be a father to budding 
innocence is indeed a joy. 

Topp. (Surprised.) A father! Yes, yes, no doubt 
you are right . (Aside.) Am I old Nestor himself, I won- 
der! 

Mrs, T. To read love in its eyes each day. 

Topp. (Aside.) That's better! (ToMr'=>. T.) De- 
lightful, madam, delightful! 

Mrs, T. To hear innocence lisp in stammering ac- 
cents is indeed — 

Topp, Ecstatic, madam, I assure you. But I draw 
the line at stammering — does she stammer? 

Mrs. T. You mean they. 

Mr. T. (Nudging his ivife.) He means her. 

3 33 



30 



TOPP S TWINS. 



ToPP. I mean she. 

Mr. T. He, she, them! Who, which, what! I see! 

Mrs. T. He means Amelia, the mother. How sud- 
den ! 

Topp. [Asto7iished.) She a mother! 
Enter Angie, i?. Crosses to Mrs. T. , w/io rises. 

Mrs, T. [Nudging T.) A charming gentleman, I'm 
sure. [To Topp.) My daughter, sir. 

Topp. {Bowing.) Ah, miss, that is to say, madam — 
I came — 

Angie. [Bows bashfully; siLrprised.) Sir, I do not 
understand this sudden call. 

Topp. Of course not. Explanations will follow duly. 

Mrs. T. [With fneaning look.) A friendly call my 
dear, and a little business mingled. 

Mr. T. Yes, business first and pleasure after. 

Topp. I dislike the word "business" but — perhaps 
sentiment should cut no figure in such matters. [Aside. ) 
Mercenary wretches! 

Angie. (7^^ Topp.) Then my mission has not been in 
vain? 

Topp. [Graciously.) No, indeed. I assure you though 
it may have originated in a mistake. 

Angie. A mistake! 

Topp. Great events have sprung from little misun- 
derstandings. To make a long story short, Mr. Twiggs, 
I have come directly to you. 

Mrs. T. [Puzzled.) To him ? 

Topp. And why not to him, madam! 

Mrs. T. Very proper, sir. You have acted in a busi- 
ness-like manner. (7> Twiggs.) A very nice party ! 

Topp. [Aside.) Business again ! [Down R.) 

34 



TOPP S TWINS 31 

Mrs. T. (Tl; Twiggs. ) Which does he want, wife or 
twins? 

Mr. T. Both! 

Mrs. T. Shocl<:ingI how very strange! 

Topp. Hum! as I was saying — {To Mrs. Twiggs.) 
And you. madam, since I take it you should be consul- 
ted also, where do we find ourselves? [Pause, i hey all 
look at one anot/ier.) 

Mrs. T. Proceed, sir. 

Mr. T. Yes, we are all ears. 

Topp. I was about to suggest that the presence of 
your daughter may be embarrassing. 

Mrs. T. Oh, never mind her. She is used to hear- 
ing all such matters discussed. 

Topp. {Starting.) Ah, indeed! Such matters — {Aside.) 
I don't like this. A trap — {A pause.) 

Mrs. T. Continue, my dear sir. 

Topp. Madam, I do not agree with you. I had the 
pleasure of seeing your daughter but once, and I wish 
to satisfy myself a little concerning certain matters. In 
short, 3. private interview is the proper thing. 

Mrs. T. Mercy me! — Oh, I begin to understand. He 
wants to talk to you, Josiah. How stupid you are. 

Mr. T. Exactly! How stupid we are. 

Mrs. T. What is the man driving at ? {Suddenly to 
Topp.) Who are you? 

Mr. T. Yes, as a mere formality it might be well 
to know your name. 

Topp. Since your daughter has already called on 
me perhaps she will do me the honor of an introduc- 
tion. {Aside.) She's a little angel. 

35 



32 TOPP S TWINS. 

Mrs. T. My daughter has called on you? Is this 
so, Angle dear? 

Angie. Yes, mother. 

Mrs. T. In answer to an advertisement? 

Angie. Yes. 

Mrs. T, {Hysterically^ Oh, rash girl! This is ter- 
rible! This is the wretch who advertised for a young 
lady for private secretary. {Sarcastically.') Tall, blonde 
preferred, etc. , etc. [Here describes A'ngie.) Oh, silly 
child! Oh, horrid wretch! Josiah, will you endure 
this insult and never say one word or lift a hand in 
defense of your fireside. 

Mr. T. Never mind the fireside, it's all right. What 
does the gentleman want? 

Mrs. T. What does he want? he's a monster! 

Angie. [Renionstrating.) Oh, mother! 

Topp. {Astounded.) Madam, one word — 

Mrs. T. {Tragically) Wretch! Not a word! My 
poor lamb ! ( Takes A. in her arms.) Left without a pro- 
tector. And the wolf is at the door. 

Enter Tick suddenly., R. 

Tick. Wolf at the door! {Aside.) That's hard on me. 

Twiggs. Who the devil are you, sir, to enter my house 
in this uncermonious fashion? 

Tick. I heard the sound of females in distress. I 
answered the call. Madam, your lamb shall have pro- 
tection. The policy of this great free country is — 

Mr. T. Bosh! I have not the pleasure of your ac- 
quaintance. Who are you ? 

Topp. Bless my soul, our dog-fancier again! Stick 
to your trade young man, and don't meddle with politi- 
cal economy. You had better go, sir. 

36 



TOPP S TWINS. 33 

Mr. T. And who are you to order people out of my 
house. You had better go too. 

Tick. Yes, go to — [Waves him away with comical ges- 
ture. ) 

Topp. (Aside.) Ordered out of my own house! (To 
Tick) Confound it, I'll not go! 

Mr. T. Then I shall be obliged to eject you. 

Tick. That's right, old man, throw him out. (Crosses 
L. to Angie and Mrs. T.) Don't be afraid ladies. 

Mr. T. Now go will you! 

Topp. I wont! 

Mr, T. We'll see about that. {Business of pushing 
Topp toward door, R. ) 

Topp. Why bless me if he dosen't mean it. Well, 
I didn't graduate in a university for nothing. I know 
a little of the manly art. {Hits Twiggs a?td knocks him 
over table, sending books flying,) You have a little my 
advantage in years {or height, or weight, as case may be) 
but you're welcome to it. 

Twiggs. {Recovering,) Don't come on again! My 
blood is up. 

Topp, Your blood! {Knocks Twiggs into wijidow and 
breaks it, ) 

Mrs. T. {Rushes between them.) Don't hurt him, Jo- 
siah. 

Mr. T. Do not alarm yourself, my dear, I'll not. 

Tick. {Getting ready to hold Topp.) Steady boys, 
steady. 

Topp. {Flinging Tick aside.) Get out of my way. 

Mr. T. You have broken my window. 

Topp. My window, if you please, sir. 

Mrs. T. Your window? 

37 



34 TOPP S TWINS. 

Topp. Yes, madam, my window. 

Mrs. T. {^Screams.') Mercy me, it's Mr. Topp, our 
landlord. 

Mr. T. What! Mr. Topp, of Topp & Topp? 

Topp. (With great dignity.^ Yes, sir, Cadwalader 
Topp, sole proprietor of Topp & Topp, oyster packers. 
My card, sir. (Hands card.) You have treated me with 
great indignity, sir. I shall not forget it. [Going.) 

Mr. T. All right, make a note of it, if you choose. 

Mrs. T. [Fulling at Twiggs' coat.) Josiah, we are un- 
done. Run and apologize. 

Mr. T. Apologize, never! Now, sir, [Follo7ving 
Topp.) I challenge you to a round outside. (Mrs. T. 
Screams)^ 

Angie. Mother, please be quiet. 

Topp. I'll have you up for assault and battery. 

Mr. T. Try it if you dare. 

Tick. Three cheers for the old man. 

Topp. And what's more, you shall repair that window! 

Mr. T. Never! 

Mrs. T. Josiah, do be quiet. You are so indiscreet. 

Topp. We'll see about it. Take my word for that. 
You have the form of lease which reads "All repairs at 
expense of tenant." And now Mr. Twiggs, since you 
know who I am I leave you to your own reflections. 
[Going R.) 

Mrs. T. Please, sir, don't be hasty! This is all a 
mistake. 

Topp. I quite agree in that sentiment. Madam a great 
mistake, but not too late to mend it. [Going F.) 1 with- 
draw my proposal for your daughter's hand. [Exit R.) 

Mrs. T. Daughter's hand! Oh! oh! support me Jo- 

38 



TOPP'S TWINS. 35 

si ah. If you don't I i-//cz// faint. {^He moves to support her; 
pushes him off angrily.) Josiah, follow him at once and 
apologize, or I shall — 

Angie. Let the old bear go. The idea! 

Tick. [Aside.) Good for the little one. 

Mrs. T. Josiah, we are undone. 

Mr. T. Underdone, you mean. 

Mrs, T. That's just like you, Josiah, to perpetrate 
small-beer witticisms over the misfortunes of your own 
family. Now you are actually laughing. 

Mr. T. Do you want me to cry, Sophronia? 

Mrs. T. No, it's a man's place to be brave and assert 
his rights. 

Mr. T. I was too brave, my dear. [Looks at broke fi 
window, a li laugh.) 

Mrs. T. /shall not let him withdraw so easily. I 
shall write and say his proposition is considered favor- 
ably. 

Angie. Oh, mama! How indelicate. 

Mrs. T, Pooh, my child, you know nothing about 
such matters. Even delicacy may be overdone. 

Angie. I detest him, mama. 

Mrs. T. You will learn to love him. Consider it 
settled. 

Tick. {Aside,) Then / am undone. {To Mrs. T.) 
Madam, your precious child has indeed escaped a wolf 
He is an old mormon, or worse, I'll bet ten dollars. 

Mrs. T. He's worth millions. 

Mr. T. And yet he wont pay for that window. 

Mrs. T. Josiah, it is painful to think how you let 
sordid considerations influence your actions. You must 
see him and explain. 

39 



36 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Mr. T. I've nothing to explain. 

Angie. Let the hateful old thing go. 

Tick. {^Enthusiastically y^ Right you are. Let the old 
bear go to — 

Mrs. T. Husband, you })iust see him at once. This 
is the opportunity of a lifetime. 

Mr. T. /don't care to see him. 

Mrs. T. You are perfectly absurd to-day, Josiah. 

Tick. {Stepping fonvard.) Madam, I will see him. 

Mrs. T. But you are a stranger, you do not under- 
stand the case. 

Tick. I understand it perfectly. I shall call him 
to account. I will demand an apology; if he refuses, I 
will — by jingo, I will challenge him! 

Mrs. T. No! No! That would spoil all. 

Tick. He shall not insult defenseless females while 
this good right arm retains its — its — ah — 

Enter Spratt, suddenly^ R. 

Spratt. Villain, I have found you. You shall not 
escape! 

Tick. {Shrinking away.) Why, hello, partner! 

Spratt. Don't "partner" me. Lm on your track. 

Mr. T. {Looks at Tick'?, feet.) Not a bad sized track 
either! {To Tick.) Perhaps, you won't mind explain- 
ing why he is on your track. {Meets Tick R. C.) 

Spratt. That man has ruined me. The opportunity 
of a lifetime dashed in a moment. 

Mrs. T. {Thro7vs up hands.) Another opportunity 
gone! Oh, dear! That's just what ails us! 

Mr. T. Another rumpus brewing. I'll steer them 
away from the window. {Maneuvers to the other side,) 

40 



TOPP'S TWINS. ' 37 

Gentlemen, would you mind discussing this matter on 
the sofa? 

Spratt. You're an underhanded sneak. 

Tick. You're an openhanded fraud. 

Mrs. T. How dreadful! 

Angie. Rivals, I venture! How romantic! A real 
adventure! 

Spratt. It is no romance, I assure you. My poor 
twins, Grover Cleveland Spratt and Benjamin Harrison 
Spratt are left fatherless — no I don't mean that. They 
are — in short they are left. 

Tick. Oh, he's talking aoout his pups. 

Spratt. [Furious.) If you say pups again there'll 
be bloodshed. I won't stand it. 

Mrs. T. {Screams.) Oh, dear me! Josiah, can't you 
do something? 

Mr. T. If it's a question of blood come outside. A 
grass plat is better to shed blood on than a carpet. We'll 
paint the lawn red. 

Spratt. [Going.) Come on! 

Tick. Excuse ///^.^ [Looks at Khgi^e..) I have an en- 
gagement here. 

Mrs. T. Josiah, do get rid of these horrid men. 

Mr. T. [Takes Ticv. by arm.) Come, sir, no vacil- 
lation. A brave man never hesitates. 

Tick. Never! Do I vacillate? No, I refute the 
charge with indignation. I was only waiting to take 
leave of the ladies. [Bowing politely.) Ladies, au revoir. 
[Exeunt ?nen, R. ) 

Angie. He's so gallant! 

Mrs. T. Dear me, child, what a series of adventures. 
And your father is so slow to act in a crisis. 

41 



38 tOPP S TWINg. 

Angie. Poor Pa! I just don't like that horrid old 
Topp one bit. I'll tell him so, there now! 

Mrs. T. Pet, you'll do nothing of the sort. Mr. 
Topp is such a dear man. 

Angie. Bald as a peeled onion! 

Mrs. T. a mark of dignity. A patent of nobility 
in America. 

Angie. A patent! Say trade mark. Why doesn't he 
put it on his oysters. 

Mrs. T. Your levity is in bad taste. Where is the dig- 
nity you inherited from your father and mother? You 
must learn to love him. 

Angie. I'm not good at learning by heart. (Aside.) 
Isn't Mr. Tick handsome! 

Mrs. T. I'm uneasy about Josiah. He's so careless 
of consequences. (Exit., R.) 

Angie. (Laughs heartily) Oh, that ridiculous old 
man! And he never saw me but once. (Laughs.) 
Enter Mrs. T-K. Z. 

Mrs. T-K. What are you laughing at, sister? 

Angie. (Laughing.) Oh, it's too funny, I've just had 
a proposal ! 

Mrs. T-K. A proposal ! How romantic! 

Angie. Pie's worth a million ! 

Mrs. T-K. No! What delightful luck. Did you say 
yes instantly. 

Angie. I did not. 

Mrs. T-K Sister, don't be reckless. Do not tempt 
Providence, for a millionaire is a gift of Providence to 
a marriageable girl. Take him instanter. 

Angie. Well, I wouldn't take him if he was worth 

ten millions. 

42 



TOP? S TWINS. 39 

Mrs. T-K. Angie, are you crazy ? or just a fool ? 

Angie. Just, a fool, I suppose, Amelia. 

Mrs. T-K. Yes, of course, young girls usually are. 

Angie. Widows embody all wisdom, I suppose. 

Mrs. T-K. They at least know a good thing when 
they see it. I hope you didn't say no. 

Angie. (Zaug/is.) He didn't give me any chance 
to say no. He and Pa had a misunderstanding and Pa 
told him to go. 

Mrs. T-K. (Astonished.') And he went away, offen- 
ded of course. How unfortunate. ^ 

Angie. No, he just refused to go at all. 

Mrs. T-K. Refused to go! What then ? 

Angie. (Laughing?) He knocked Pa through the win- 
dow ! [Points to broken glass. ) 

Mrs. T-K. Horrors! Pa is so indiscreet, but then 
if he is a true lover, obstacles will only fan the flame. 

Angie. And windows prove no obstacle! 

Mrs. T-K. Windows, indeed! Who is he? 

Angie. Mr. Topp, of Topp & Topp. 

Mrs. T-K. ( Springing up.) What! Mr. Topp? The 
bachelor who wants to adopt twins? 

Angie. The same. 

Mrs. T-K. And you called on him to say a good 
word for my darlings, Twiggsie and Dixie? 

Angie. I did. 

Mrs. T-K. And you said one word for them and a 
dozen for yourself. 

Angie. Now, sister, how can you ? I said all I could 
for your boys. 

Mrs. T-K. Indeed! What did you say ? 

Angie. Oh, it was too funny! There was a young 

43 



40 TOPP S TWINS. 

gentleman there by the name of Tick, and they talked 
so many things that they got me all confused so I can't 
remember what I did say. 

Mrs. T-K. Artless creature! 

Angie. • {With dignity. ) Mrs. Twiggs-Knott, may I 
ask what you mean by that epithet? 

Mrs. T-K. I mean you are greatly mistaken. It was 
me that Mr. Topp came to see. 

Angie, You! Impossible! Didn't I read love in his 
eyes. 

Mrs. T-K. {]Vith sneer.) Oh, if it has come to reading 
love in his eyes, we may consider it settled. That sort 
of reading can be done just as well with the eyes closed. 

Angie. Possibly, I've had no experience. 

Mrs. T-K. Well, you are in a fair way to get it. 

Angie. Spare your comiriCnts. The teacher need not 
be a third party. 

Mrs. T-K. He said he would be sure to write to me. 

Angie. And to me, too. 

Mrs. T-K. He took special interest in me and said 
he was very, very sorry he could not do something at 
once, or words to that effect. 

Angie. He took my address. 

Mrs. T-K. Address! That was a matter of form. 
He expressed great regret that he could not devote more 
time to my matter. 

Angie. Expressed regret! {Archly.) Well f^ exhib- 
ited great pleasure at my call. 

Mrs. T-K. Pooh, common politeness only. For 7;/^ 
it was a deep interest. I read it in his — [Stops suddenly.) 

Angie. Eyes? Ha, ha ha, you are taking lessons, 
too, sister. Well, I called within two minutes after you 

44 



TOPP S TWINS. 41 

left and if his countenance expressed any sentiment it 
was plainly bad humor. 

Mrs. T-K. Which your smile immediately thawed. 

Angie. Indeed it did. 

Mrs. T-K. Angie, I think you are real mean. 

Angie. Well, sister, seriously, I don't want him, you 
are welcome to him. 

Mrs. T-K. [Brightening.) I know he called for me 
and, oh, such a horrid mistake. I shall die. {So-canis.) 

Enter Mrs. T. R.^ running. 

Mrs. T. What is it my dear! 

Mrs. T-K. Mr. Topp called for me instead of Angie. 

Mrs. T. No! You don't say. Why do you think so? 

Mrs. T-K. He told me that he was coming, or at 
least Avould write. 

Mrs. T. What a dreadful misunderstanding! We 
are all ruined! [Screams.) Josiah! Come! Quick! 
Where is that man ? 

Enter Mr. T. hastily. 

Mrs. T. Mr. Topp called for — 

Mr. T. Confound Topp. 

Mrs. T. We are ruined! 

Mr. T. We have been ruined so often, my dear, that 
I rather enjoy it. 

Mrs. T. Now, Josiah, don't try to be funny. When 
you try to be funny the effect is painful. Husband, do 
you realize the calamity that has befallen us? 

Mr. T. Yes, I guess you mean the window. 

Mrs. T. The window — indeed! Oh, the obtusenessof 
men ! Mr. Topp has proposed for the hand of the wrong 
girl. 

45 



topp s twins. 42 

Mr. T. No! 

Mrs. T. No! Is that all you can say? You never 
say anything but no. 

Mr. T. My dear, no is a very convenient little par- 
ticle to calk chinks in a colloquy. 

Mrs. T. This can never be repaired. 

Mr. T. The window? 

Mrs. T. Don't talk eternally of that window. The 
match ! 

Mr. T. Exactly! the match of course! Sophronia, I 
suggest we try welding. The soft solder of diplomacy 
may result in the union called matrimony. 

Mrs. T. Girls, do you hear that ? Never marry a man 
who thinks he is funny. It is an incurable vice that 
breaks out at unexpected moments, to your utte'r con- 
fusion. 

Mr. T. But, ladies, I protest I am not funny. 

Mrs. T. We agree there. 

Mr. T. Can you not distinguish between a well- 
turned sentence and — 

Mrs. T. a small pun. Josiah, if you were a man of 
action you would do something instead of asking use- 
less questions. 

Mr. T. I don't care to go into action twice in the 
same day. 

Mrs. T K. (Groans.) I think it's a shame! 

Angie. It's funny. 

Mrs. T. (Severely.) So your father appears to think. 
What is to be done? That is the question. 

Mr. T. Let him change his bid and submit sealed 
proposals. 

46 



TOPP S TWINS. 43 

Mrs. T. There you go again. Husband, you must 
see him at once. 

Mr. T. I'd rather not. 

Mrs. T. Duty and the happiness of your child call 
you. {^Authoritatively.^ Go! 

Mr. T. I prefer not to tackle him again to-day. 

Mrs. T. All right, I go myself. Between two evils 
we must choose the best. I will go. 

Mr. T. My dear, I wont allow it. We must choose 
the worst. I'll beard the — that proverb is stale — I'll 
just beard him. Or shall I not rather unheard him? 
i^AIajestically. With pompous^ martial air.) The die is 
cast and fortune — um — ah — 

Mrs. T. Josiah, go. {Points,) 

Quick Curtain. 



ACT III. 

Scene. House ^/Mr. Topp as in Act I. 

Enter Ginger, showing in Mrs. T-K., /. 

Gin. Massa Topp'll be in soon, I'll take your cahd. 

Mrs. T-K. Just say a lady. 

Gin. Yes'm. i^Exit Q^m . R .) 

Mrs. T-K. Oh, I'm in such a state! What if Angie 
is right after all and Mr. Topp is in love with hert 
{Sighs.) Ah, well ! I did think he admired me and then 
his asking me to write about dear Twiggsie and Dixie. 
But I just couldn't write all about them, they're so 
charming. To tell him in a confidential way will be 
much nicer. Pa is sure to bungle matters. Men always 
do. 1 must see Mr. Topp and make sure of this golden 

47 



44 TOPP S TWINS. 

opportunity for my precious boys. If he should marry, 
perhaps he wouldn't want to adopt twins. No, of course^ 
not. How absurd. Oh, dear, what a complication! 
What shall I do? 

Enter Mrs. Dubbledam, jR. 

Mrs. D. Goot mornin' lady. You waits for sompody? 

Mrs. T-K. I want to see Mr. Topp. 

Mrs, D. Yes, peesness? 

Mrs. T-K. Very urgent business 

Mrs. D. Urchent! Dot will be- of great importance, 
aint it ? Mr. Topp comes sometimes home pretty guick, 
an' sometimes he comes later. He haf his lunch at one 
o'clock. What was your peesness? Some togs? 

Mrs. T-K. Dogs! No, indeed! I have business 
of great importance. 

Mrs. D. Togs was of much importance by some 
peoples. One woman brought a leetle tog under each 
arm. When I told her Mr. Topp would kill tem she got 
mat 1 ike fury an' says she, I yoost 1 ike to see him try dot. 

Mrs. T-K. I don't like dogs. 

Mrs. D. Den you yoost agree mit Mr. Topp. He 
can't pear mit togs an' goats an' such animals like dot. 

Mrs. T K. I admire his taste! Oh, I think he is 
such a fine gentleman. 

Mrs. D. Lady, he is fine like golt. He has one heart 
so big as dot. [Holds hands enclosing space to show great 
size.) He treats me yoost like his mother. 

Mrs. T-K. Oh, go on, I love to hear you talk of him ! 

Mrs. D. So? Well, he was gweer sometimes. He 
got a notion of twins? 

Mrs. T-K. ( With interest. ) Yes ? 

48 



TOPP S TWINS. 45 

Mrs. D. One day he say right out sudden like, "Mrs. 
Tuppletam, we must haf some twins. " For tree days I 
tink about dot an' by myself I make nodings out. Dot 
was a Chinese puzzle. Mr. Topp he say one day he 
was goin' to adopt dem twins. Den it was all glear an' 
I say what a kindness in dot heart. 

Mrs. T-K. I could listen to you all day. 

Mrs. D. Ach, so? Shall you listen all day? Come 
in my room an' we can talk more quiet. 

Mrs. T-K. Thank you, I will. [Exeunt R.) 

Enter Topp, Z. 

Topp. (Solus.) I said I'd never be a fool again, 
but I am. Ah! what a face! What a figure! And that 
smile ! Yes, Topp, old boy, you're in love again for the 
first time in twenty years. The sensation isn't bad 
either. In fact, it is delightful. I feel young again. 
Didn't I knock that old chap out easily. Stay ! that was 
her father, that was an indiscretion. I must apologize 
handsomely. But "the course of true love never did 
run smooth." I think I'm no bad match. ^ (Dubble- 
DAM <i;/^ Mrs. T-K. appear in door^ R.) My figure isn't 
so bad! Nor my hair! Nor my complexion* thanks to 
abstemious living! (^Adonis^ business before glass.) Mrs. 
D. knocks two or three times .^ R. , fi?ially enters. Mrs. T-K 
in door. \ Ah, you there, Dubbledam? {Confused.') What 
do you want? 

Mrs. D. Eeef you please, Mr. Topp, I knock two 
three times already. 

Topp. Very well. What is it? 

Mrs. D. a lady who haf peesness important. (Dub. 
retreats R. ) 

4 49 



46 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Topp. {^Adjusting articles on secretary^ ivithout looking 
at her. ^ Some charity, I suppose. Madam I have al- 
ready given all I can afford for the present. 

Mrs. T-K. (Siniling.) Pardon me, you told me to 
call again or write. 

Topp. i^Looks up., recognizes her., comes down C. ) Oh 
so I did! [With decision.) But I said ivrite. I have no 
time for interviews. 

Mrs. T-K. Writing is impossible. Twiggsie and 
Dixie are so charming. I'm sure if you only saw them ! 

Topp. {Aside.) Dogs again ! [Curtly.) Madam I 
don't want them, 

Mrs. T K. But you haven't seen them. 

Topp. I tell you I won't look at them. 

Mrs. T-K. But you told me to call or write I 

Topp. [Annoyed.) The same old story. You've called 
and lost valuable time and car fare. You shan't lose 
anything by me! [Produces wallet.) There's twenty dol- 
lars! [She starts. He thrusts money in her hand.) I'll 
take them! [Calls.) " Dubbledam. " {D\jb. appears R.) 
Tell Potts to drown them in the fish pond. 

Mrs. T-K. [Screams.) Drown them! Oh, sir! My 
precious darlings! Oh, oh! — the brute! [About to swoon. 
Topp catches her . He is greatly embarrassed. ) 

Topp. Help! Dubbledam! Here's a pretty row. And 
all about some puppies. 

Mrs. T-K. [Suddenly recovering.) Puppies, sir! Do 
you insult me? Who said dogs? 

Topp. You did, madam. 

Mrs. T-K Never! I was talking about my dear, dar- 
ling twin boys, Twigsie and Dixie. 

Topp. Whew! Another affair truly! [Aside.) A 

50 



TOPP S TWINS. 47 

fine woman, too! {^Begins to laugh; Mrs. T-K. and Dub- 
bled am y<?//^.) Madam, this is a most ludicrous situa- 
tion. I beg your pardon. 

Mrs. T-K. Oh, pray don't mention it. 

Topp. I beg a thousand pardons. How ludicrous, to 
be sure! Madam, I am very sorry, but I may add that 
I do not think now of adopting twins! 

Mrs. D. Vot! No twins alretty! 

Topp. No, Dubbledam. I've changed my mind. 
In short, I might as well tell you now to put the house in 
order. I'm going to marry! 

Mrs. D. Marry! Mine cracious! 

Mrs. T-K. (Starts.^ Marry! Then I suppose I may 
at least — {Embarrassed^ stops.) 

Topp. Congratulate me ? Yes. The prettiest little 
blonde (or brunette, as case may be; here describe Angie.) 
imaginable. 

Mrs. T-K. (Aside.) Angie! she was right, (7"^ T.) 
I congratulate you. I — yes, I hope you'll be happy. 

Topp. Thank you. Dubbledam, show the lady out. I 
I wish you a very good day, madam. [Exeunt Mrs. D. and 
Mrs. T-K. Z. ) What a ridiculous misunderstanding. 
Pshaw, who cares! Love rises superior to misunder- 
standings. [Hums snatch of song.) I'm too happy to be 
annoyed at anything, and, hold on — am I too happy for 
it to last? In the bright dictionary of youth — 
Enter Gin. L. Showing in Mr. Twiggs. 

Gin. (Announces.) Mr. Twiggs. 

Twiggs. I beg pardon for the interruption. You 
were speaking of the lexicon. Lexicon, permit me, sir, 
is the better word. Nothing like it to polish up orthog- 
raphy. 

51 



48 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Topp. {Coming for7uard.) Mr. Twiggs, I owe you an 
apology. That little affair at your house was highly 
censurable, I assure you. Do you forgive me? 

Twiggs. Of course! It was a little brusque, but 
nobody was hurt. You took me by surprise, but I'll 
put on the gloves with you any time that suits your con- 
venience. 

Topp. [Grasping his hand.) Don't think of such a 
thing, sir. At your age — 

Twiggs. At my age — do you think I'm as ancient 
as the pyramids? 

Topp. I beg pardon! {Confused^ aside.) I must be 
more guarded. 

Twiggs, All right, Topp! {Aside.) I'll have to play 
old man if he is to be my son-in-law. 

Topp. It is all forgotten. The hatchet is buried. 

Twiggs. (Grasping Topp by hand.) My dear boy, the 
hatchet is in the bottom of the bay. {They shake.) 

Topp. Then, to proceed to the point directly. I'm 
a man of few words. I want to pay my addresses to 
your daughter. 

Twiggs. Exactly! 

Topp. It is understood? 

Twiggs. It is. 

Topp. And there is no obstacle? 

Twiggs. None that I know of. 

Topp. Thank you. Excuse my apparent haste. You 
were a young man yourself once. 

Twiggs. Unquestionably. 

Topp. And you can appreciate a young man's feel- 
ings. 

Twiggs. To a dot. 

52 



TOPP'S TWINS. 49 

Topp. Thank you. Thank you. {Clasps his hand.) 
We can arrange details at our leisure. 

Twiggs. Yes, plenty of time for that. The details 
will take care of themselves. 

Topp. The preliminaries were soon settled. 

Twiggs. Yes, though I happen to think of one pre- 
liminary that might be a little clearer. Which one of my 
daughters do you mean ? 

Topp. [Astonished.) What! Which one {Pause) — have 
you several ? 

Twiggs. Only two, sir. Will you be kind enough to 
specify the lady by name? 

Topp. [Puzzled. ) Let me see ! [Looks for note book 
in pocket.) Really I can't recall her name. [Cannot find 
book. ) 

Twiggs, Ah, I see — memory not so good as formerly. 
[Aside.) Another break,- hang it ! 

Topp. You are mistaken, sir, it is the confusion of 
love. You said you could appreciate a lover's feelings. 
[Call t find note book.) 

Twiggs. Of course, beg pardon. [Aside.) If I suc- 
ceed I'll be the first on record. 

Topp. Stay, I have an idea. 

Twiggs. [Aside.) Returning reason. [ToT.) Let's 
have it, 

Topp, She knows. 

Twiggs. Of course, why didn't we think of that sooner. 

Topp. [Laughs.) Certainly! She knew it before I 
did, the sly puss. 

Twiggs. But hold on! What if she won't tell ? Don't 
you think it would be rather embarrassing for the lady 
to speak her mind first? 

53 



go TOPP's TWINS. 

Topp. Quite right you are. Now I have it, I'll de- 
scribe her. 

Twiggs. That is a practical idea. 

Topp. She is tall. 

Twiggs. They are both tall. 

Topp. And good looking! 

Twiggs. (With slight bow.) Our family is noted, sir, 
for the comeliness of it's female members, 

Topp. Her smile is simply enthralling! 

Twiggs. Exactly! But allow me to remark that you 
are a single man and do not know the power of the female 
smile as a social lever, especially when a new bonnet or 
anew gown is its focal point. You must try again, sir. 

Topp. (^Hesitates.) Her eye is like the gazelle's. 

Twiggs. Gad, sir, yours is a bad case. Allow me to 
suggest that you name the color of the aforesaid optic, 
or better still the color of her hair? By the way have 
you a lock of her hair? 

Topp. A lock of her hair on one day's acquaintance ! 
{^Remonstrates.) Oh, sir, you wrong your child. 

Twiggs. Excuse me, no offense, but a plain old father 
like me can't be supposed to keep tally on all the in- 
nings of an affair like this. 

Topp. No, of course not. 

Twiggs. Do you happen to remember the color of 
said hair? 

Topp. Yes, golden. 

Twiggs. Oh, yes, some call it red! I'll speak to 
Angle. 

Topp. (Eagerly.) Angle, that's her name. 

Twiggs. And, as lovers are usually impatient, I'll 
attend to the matter immediately. 

54 



TOPP S TWINS. ' 51 

Topp. I'll be very grateful. [They go ^ L.) I'll show 
you out myself, sir. Good day. {^They shake hands. 
jS":*:// Twiggs, Topp goes up R ) Well, that matter is in 
pretty good shape. A bad beginning makes a good end- 
ing. 

Enter Ginger, shoivmg in Tick, L. 

Gin. Mr. Tick I {Exit Ginger, Z.) 

Tick. {Aside.) It's risky, but I'll try it. (r^Topp.) 
Mr. Topp! {Tovp does nf hear.) Mr. Topp! 

Topp. [Turning.) Sir? 

Tick. I called in relation to a matter of mutual in- 
terest. 

Topp. You are the individual who called before and 
spent an hour, on pretense of business, in listening to my 
private affairs and reading my letters. Your interest in 
my affairs is altogether too great. 

Tick. [Brusquely.) Allow me if you please, this is 
business. I come with a message from her. [Crosses to C. ) 

Topp. From whom, pray ? 

Tick. You know well enough who. She declines the 
honor. 

Topp. Do not speak in riddles. To whom do you refer ? 

Tick. To Miss Twiggs, of course. 

Topp. [Furious. ) Why you monkey, who are you ? 
Her father has just been here. [Getting angrier^ You 
are insulting. I'll have Potts kick you down stairs. 
[Rings bell. ) Where is that lazy niggro ? 

Enter Spratt hastily folloiued by Gi^G'er, L. 

Topp. [Facing Tick.) Who are you anyway? 
Spratt. I can tell you ! An imposter. Your rival who 
traduces you. 

55 



52 TOPP S TWINS. 

Topp. (Sneeringly.) My rival! That man ! Fiddle- 
sticks! 

Spratt. He has traduced you, sir. He called you 
names. I'll leave it to Mr. Ginger. 

Gin. [Grinning.) Yis, sah. 

Topp. What did he say, Potts? (Tick tries to catch 
Ginger's ri'^. Pantomime of giving coin. Topp severely.) 
Now look here, Ginger! What ails you? What did he 
say ? 

Gin. I'm tryin' to think of the word. It's powerful 
long. A deceptive octagon, sah, that's it. 

Topp. Eh! What's that? 

Gin. a — de — um — that's what I said. 

Spratt. A decrepit octogenarian, that was the epi- 
thet. 

Gin. Dat's it! A decreptive octogon — narium. 

Topp. (T'^'Tick.) Why, sir, this is infamous! This 
is actionable. The law sir — bother the law's delays. 
I'll call you out, sir. 

Tick. To take a drink? 

Topp. [T/iuJiders.) To take a drink'? No, sir. To 
the field of honor, sir, at thirty paces. 

Tick (Starts.) That's a pretty small field. 

Topp. Say forty paces then, I'm not particular. I 
demand satisfaction. 

Tick. I always try to give my customers satisfaction. 

Topp. Confound your customers. (Tick laughs heart- 
ily.) What are you laughing at, sir? (Tick laicghs 
again. Shaking his fist at Tick.) Don't provoke me! 
I cannot answer for the consequences. Commercial 
affairs have no place in an affair of honor. 

Tick. My customers tel 1 me that frequently. (Lajighs. ) 

56 



TOPP'S TWINS. 53 

Topp. May the devil take your customers from first 
to last. (Tick laughs immoderately. Topp furious ) If 
you don't stop your laughing, I'll knock every tooth out 
of your head. 

Spratt. His conduct is very ungentlemanly. 

Topp. In the extreme! In the extreme! I can't fight 
///;;/. He is no gentleman. 

Tick. {Aside.) Indeed! I'll try a bluff. (71; Topp.) 
I insist on fighting. 

Topp. You insist! I'll accommodate you, sir, if the 
code will possibly allow it. To begin, sir, you are in trade. 
Old honorable house, may I ask ? (Tick Az//^//^. ) You 
are laughing again, young man. To judge by your con- 
duct the house is scarcely respectable. (Tick laughs im- 
moderately. Tov^ Jerks off coat.) Now,sir,take your choice. 
Stop laughing or be knocked down without ceremony. 

Tick. I beg pardon ! My laugh goes off very easy. 
It's a hair-trigger laugh. 

Topp. Don't let it go off again. I warn you. Head 
of house or member of firm ? 

Tick. Neither! Traveling salesman. 

Topp. Traveling salesman ! That would never do. 
(T"*? Spratt.) Would it? 

Spratt. Never! 

Tick. But I insist! 

Topp. (T^^Spratt.) He insists. Is there no way of 
accommodating him ? 

Spratt. I suggest you make him give up all pre- 
tentions to the young lady and then boot him out of 
your house. 

Tick. Boot me out of the house. Well, that's cheek 
enough for an office seeker, you puppy! 

57 



54 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Spratt. Puppy! Dare you call me puppy ? I'll — 
{Makes toiuard Tick. Topp prevents him. ) 

Topp, Stay, restrain your impetuosity. Your only 
remedy is to call him out after I have done with him. As 
for booting him out of the house, no gentleman could 
so deport himself toward another gentleman. Do you 
think I could stain my honor by kicking him? 

Spratt. No, it would not do. Let the nigger kick 
him. 

Tick. Gentlemen, this waiting is a bore. {Theatri- 
cally.^ To fight or not to fight, that's the question. 

Topp. Permit me one more question. Are you 
wholesale or retail ? 

Tick. Wholesale only. 

Topp. Ah, that is better! And your house I have 
no doubt isoi high standing. Doubtless Al in the books ? 
(Tick laughs immoderately. Topp advances furiously shak- 
ing his fist at ^\(ZY^^ Mr. Spratt, restrain me, or I will 
knock him down, in spite of the code. I see nothing to 
laugh at. An affair of honor is a serious affair, I'd have 
you understand. Perhaps this is your first. 

Tick. It is. 

Topp. Then you shall have a new experience. You 
may consider it settled. 

Tick. {Frighte?ied.) Do you insist? 

Topp. Certainly, sir! Consider it settled. 

Tick. But, my dear sir, all these objections — 

Topp. Are waived, sir. Choose your second. Mr. 
Spratt, will you favor me by arranging details on my 
part? 

Spratt. With pleasure! 

Tick. {Aside.) Good Lord! I'm in for it. 

58 



TOPP'S TWINS. 55 

ToPP. (r^TiCK) Call a friend! 

Tick. Say the undertaker. I object. 

Topp. It is too late to object, sir. Choose your sec- 
ond. The undertaker will make a good third. 

Tick. Are you trying to scare me! I can't be bluffed! 

Topp. Oh, certainly not. 

Tick. I'd as soon fight as eat, but— ah — I'll be mag- 
nanimous. I'll spare you. 

Spratt. That's cool. 

Topp. Sir, this is additional provocation. I insist 
on fighting. 

Tick. But think of the loss to your business if you 
should fall. 

Topp. {Getting angry.) Mr. Spratt hasten the details, 
I am anxious to teach this young man a lesson. I sug- 
gest Blackberry Hill. There is no other such spot near 
Baltimore. {To Tick.) It is a beautiful spot. 

Tick. I don't doubt it. 

Topp. There I had the pleasure of acting as second 
for the Hon. Kidwell Kroup in his great duel with Major 
Brocklestein. The major winged my man first fire, but 
it was a beautiful affair gentlemen, beautiful. A few 
years later, I had the pleasure — excuse me for being 
personal— of meeting there myself. Col. Hicksby Snod- 
grass, C. S. A. And the Colonel wears only one arm 
since that hour. 

Tick. [Groans.) Very cheerful, indeed! 

Topp. Delightful, I assure you. So choose your sec- 
ond and we'll have the whole affair over before the au- 
thorities get wind of it. 

Tick. I shall be delighted to hasten matters. ( Whis- 
pers aside to Ginger. ) 

59 



56 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Topp. i^To Spratt.) Now, my dear sir, I leave all 
to you. Use expedition. (Z'^Gin.) Show the gentle- 
men out. [Exeimt Spratt (^/z^ Tick, L.) Ah, well this 
maybe serious after all. But it is only an incident and 
the true gentleman lives in an atmosphere of incidents. 
I'll write her. Bless her little heart, honor demands that I 
do and dare for her like a knight of old. [Sits at table to 
ivrife.) "My dear MissTwiggs" — No, that is too form- 
al — "My dear Angle" — how does that sound? — that's 
a little familiar possibly for one day's acquaintance, 
[Tears tip sheet of papei' luith each change^ How about 
the my — well I guess I'm sure enough of the my. But 
"My dear Angle" is too long. I'll try "Dear Angle." 
That's better, but why not make it stronger? Women 
feed on compliment and are taken by audacity in love. 
As old Horace advised I'll plunge "in medias res." So 
heregoes: "Sweet Angle" — that's better. But that is 
not enough. How very inadequate language is to 
portray all the delightful sensations of new born 
love. [Thinks.^ "Sweet Angle — "My Pet" — that's the 
thing — "This will inform you that I cannot see you 
again to-day. A little affair" [Pause.) affair — I wonder 
if that will alarm her? No, women admire courage — 
"An affair of honor requires immediate attention. Shall 
see you soon. May I close with a kiss?" — that's a 
little bold — "a sweet, sweet kiss?" There you are, 
that'll please her. "Au revoir and a final sweety — 
sweety kiss." You can't put too much of the sweet 
business into an affair with a young lady. You must 
love them distractedly, or you'll never please them. 
[Sighs.) How shall I sign it? Cadwalader Topp is too 
formal. I'll risk it. It sounds more affectionate. 

60 



TOPP S TWINS. 57 

"Caddie," that used to be my pet name. While I'm 
about it I'll just say "Your Caddie." There you are! 
(Seals and addresses. Rings bell. ) 

Enter Gin. R. 
Gin. Ring, sah ? 

Topp. Deliver this at once. Now for the prepara- 
tions. (Strikes attitude, right hand gestures.^ Wait not 
when honor calls but hasten to the field, lest tardiness 
should prove an added stain. (Gin stands astonished, 
then vanishes just as T. turns.) 

Quick Curtain. 



• ACT IV. 

Scene: — A grass plat with trees in baekground. 
Enter Mr. (^;/^ Mrs. Twiggs, R, i. 

Mrs. T. We must find them ; blood will be shed and, 
oh dearl Mr. Topp may be killed! 

Mr. T. Sophronia, duels are not for the purpose of 
shedding blood. They are for the vindication, of 
wounded honor. 

Mrs. T. Josiah, human life is trembling in the bal- 
ance, and I believe you actually enjoy it. 

Mr. T. My dear, I can't say t4iat I enjoy it so far. 
Our walk in search of it has been rather hurried. They 
should have hired a hall and sold tickets. 

Mrs. T. Josiah, you'll drive me to the grave. But 
if you do not respect the feelings of the wife of your 
bosom think of your child. 

Mr. T. Our child is all right. She is not going to 
fight. 

Mrs. T. But think of her future? 

6i 



58 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Mr. T. Which future, my dear? There appears to 
be two of him. 

Mrs. T. Josiah, you stand here talking while every 
moment is a question of life or death. 

Mr. T. {Coolly ) I'm waiting for developments, dear. 

Mrs. T. Developments, indeed! Do you think they 
will come to you? They may be in the dells. 

Mr. T. No, this is the right spot. All our high- 
class affairs occur here. Capt. Throckmugger died at 
the foot of that tree just over there. 

Mrs. T. Mercy! Josiah, how can you speak of 
blood! You want to kill me? 

Mr. T. Sophronia, dear, I disclaim — 

Mrs. T. {Pulling him away.) Come along, we must 
find them! To the dells! Quick! [Exeunt^ L) 

Enter excitedly Angie and Mrs. T-K. R. i. 

Mrs. T-K. I'm sure I heard voices! 

Angie. But there is nobody in sight. Sister, do you 
think our coming here is exactly proper? 

Mrs. T-K. True love dares all for duty. 

Angie. Yes, but isn't our affection rather recent to 
be put to such a test. 

Mrs. T-K. Recent! Love knows nothing of time or 
place when its object is in danger. 

Angje. It is so romantic. Is there really any danger? 

Mrs. T-K. Duels are sometimes in earnest, and Mr. 
Topp is a dead shot they say. 

Angie. Horrid old thing! Poor Mr. Tick! 

Mrs. T-K. Dear Mr. Topp! 

Angie. Mr. Topp is a blood-thirsty old monster. I 
don't like him one bit, there now! • 

63 



TOPP S TWINS. 59 

Mrs. T-K. Brave man, he is fighting for you, and 
thus you repay his gallantry. 

Angie. {^Petulantly.) I don't want him to fight for 
me. Oh, if Mr. Tick should be hurt. 

Mrs. T-K. Mr. Tick is a villain. 

Angie. Mr. Topp is a fool; a little blood-letting 
would do him good. 

Mrs. T-K. Sister, don't mention blood, I shall ex- 
pire. I know I shall. Dear me, what a snarl things 
are in. We must stop this duel. Dear Mr. Topp! 

Angie. Adorable Mr. Tick! 

Mrs. T-K. They may have gone to the dells. Let's 
go there [Exit, rimning Z. ) 

Angie. Wait, sister! [Exit, following, L.) 

Enter Tick and Ginger, R. 

{Ginger carries large pair of corn knives or, as known 
to farmers, ' 'corncutters, ' ' in a gunny sack. ) 

Tick. Ginger, I don't like the looks of those corn- 
cutters. How do you use them ? 

Gin. You jes cut an' slash, that's all. [Business with 
knife. ) 

Tick. But suppose old Topp gets his slash in first. 
Where am I ? 

Gin. Say, looky hyah, Mistah Tick, do you like dat 
gal well enough to fight fur 'er? 

Tick. [Swaggering.) I'd die for her. I'd wade 
through — 

Gin. Never mind de wadin' ! Keep youah shoes on 
an' listen to Ginger Potts. Ye want to play a big bluff, 
don't ye ? 

Tick. Yes. 

63 



6o TOPP'S TWINS. 

Gin. An' I get ten dollars if de bluff goes? 

Tick. That's right. 

Gin. Then you do jes as Ginger Potts tells you. If 
massa ever find dis job out he'll jes naterally skin me. 
I wouldn't have him know it fur de purtiest twenty-five 
dollar bill you ever see. Nosiree! Ye see, Mistah 
Tick, when Cadwalader Topp sees dem corncutters he'll 
be too mad to fight. He'll be madder'n a wet hen. 
He'll say dem weepons is unnateral an' outrageous an' 
sich as no gentleman kin use. You got de right to 
choose de weepins. He raises a bushel of objections 
an' you insists. Den you see dah's no jewel because 
de gemmen can't agree on weepins. Ye's both saved 
yer honah an' youah hides. 

Tick. That's a great scheme, Ginger. But suppose 
he agrees to the weapons. I don't like the looks of 
his eye. 

Gin, [Puzzled.) Dat's an extreme case, but if it 
comes to extreemities, an' not till den min' ye, call fur 
me an' say you have to insult me. 

Tick. Why should I insult you? 

Gin. Doesn't every gentleman insult his second? 

Tick. Oh, I see, consult. 

Gin. Exactly! Dat's what I said! When ole massa 
sees me he'll be consulted. 'Cause ye see I'm a nigger 
an' a nigger aint no gentleman. He'll jes have more 
dignity than a pew full o' deacons and walk off con- 
sulted. 

Tick. Wont that get you into trouble? 

Gin. Well, ole massa'll storm 'round an' threaten 
to lam me, but he wont even tech me 'case massa's a 
gentleman an' I've been in de family three generations! 

64. 



TOPP'S TWINS. 6l 

Tick. Oh you prevaricator! 

Gin. a what! Say dat again. I didn't quite git 
dat. 

Tick. You're not over twenty-five years old. 

Gin. Twenty-five las fall come a year. But ye see 
my gran'mammy she was in de family, dat's one gen- 
eration; and my mammy she was Mr. Topp's nurse, 
dat's two generations, ain't it? An' I was one genera- 
tion, aint I ? 

Tick. There's no doubt of it. 

Gin. All right, I ain't no great scholar, but I know 
three times one is three times. 

Tick. All right! I hear voices. Skip into the bushes 
and I'll say my second is looking for a surgeon. {Exit 
Gin. hastily^ L.) 
Enter Mr. Topp, Spratt and very dignified Surgeon^ R. 

Latter carries case of instrumetits^ which he leisurely un- 
packs^ showing a very formidable saw, etc. ) 

Topp. (J'^Tick.) Ah, prompt, I see. Where is your 
second ? 

Tick. He is delayed a little looking for a surgeon. 
I expect him momentarily. 

Topp. That is unfortunate. Quick work here is the 
order. We are liable to interruption from the police. 
We have brought a surgeon, Dr. Short. 

Tick. Let your man Spratt and Doctor Short ar- 
range details, I'm indifferent. 

Topp. {Haughtily.^ This is no place for a display 
of generosity, sir. This is very irregular and time is 
pressing. 

Spratt. I see no objection to stepping the ground, 
for example if Dr. Short will stand for Mr. Tick. 
5 65 



62 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Topp, Very irregular, very. Whatdoyousay, Dr. Short? 

Dr. S. [Very formal and dignified.^ I coincide, sir. 
It is highly irregular, I might add, perhaps, unprece- 
dented. Had I the pleasure of the acquaintance of 
your opponent — 

Topp. [Bowing loza.) I beg your pardon ! I forget 
you were not acquainted! Mr. Tick, I have the pleas- 
ure of introducing Dr. Short. Dr. Short, Mr. Tick. 
Mr. Tick, Dr. Short. {They bow.) 

Dr. Short. [Judicially and ivith great dignity.') I 
think I may lay it down as an axiom of the code that 
one gentleman 7nay — I say may — stand at all times for 
any other gentleman. Now, the fact that the gentle- 
man's second is absent looking for a surgeon must be 
considered a valid reason for delay and consequently 
may — I say advisedly may — allow slight alterations of 
previous plans. My decision, then, is that your humble 
servant might with absolute propriety — I say might 
advisedly — stand temporarily for the absent second of 
Mr. Tick. [Bows to Tick.) I am at your service, sir. 
I consent, to satisfy honor. 

Spratt. Very well, then let's step thirty paces! 
[Business of measuring.) 

Tick. [Chuckles aside.) That's a safe distance. 

Spratt. Now for choice of position. Heads or tails? 
[Produces coin.) 

Dr. Short. [Solemnly.) Heads. 

Spratt. [Tossing.) Heads it is! 

Short. [Tosses.) Tails! 

Spratt. [Tossing.) Heads it is! Your man gets the 
advantage of the light. [To Tick.) Let us examine 
your weapons. Are they loaded ? 

60 



TOPP'S TWINS. 6;^ 

Tick. {Producing knives from sack.) They are! [All 
start at sight of knives.) 

Topp. {Surprised.) What in time are those imple- 
ments? 

Tick. The weapons. 

Topp. Why, confound you, sir, I wont fight with 
a butcher's cleaver. 

Spratt. Corncutters, I beg your pardon. 

Topp. A vulgar agricultural implement. I won't 
fight with them. 

Tick. I insist. I have the right to choose the 
weapons. 

Topp. But only gentlemen's weapons. I'll have you 
understand, sir, that I do not choose to be hacked to 
pieces with a sausage machine. Dr. Short, I appeal to 
you. 

Dr. Short, {\Vith great deliberation) Your objec- 
tion is reasonable, and I may add, most weighty. This 
uncouth weapon is unusual, and — ^and, vulgar., I use the 
v/ord vulgar advisedly in the sense of common^ without 
casting any reflection on this humble but useful agricul- 
tural tool. 

Tick. Gentlemen, my second pronounces the weap- 
ons all right. 

Topp. A most remarkable second, sir! I'd like to 
see him. Why doesn't he appear. 

Tick. I think I see him coming now. {Helios off R.) 
Hello! Hey! Hurry up there. 

Enter Gin. R. 

Topp. {Astonished., falls back.) A niggro! 
Spratt. {Repeats.) A nigger. 

67 



64 TOPP'S TWINS. 

Dr. Short. (With disgust ) A niggro. This is no 
place for a gentleman. (Begins to pack his kit.) 

Tick. Isn't he a man and brother? 

Topp. (Furious.) This is insufferable!- This is a 
gross insult to be atoned at once. ( Seizes one of coini 
knives.) I acaept the weapons! Take your place. At the 
word three, advance and defend yourself. I'll make shoe 
strings out of you, sir. (Vehemently.) I will, on my life 
I will! 

Spratt, One, two, three! 

Topp. Come on. (Makes pass at Tick laho easily eludes 
him. Business of Tow chasing Tick around the stage, his 
movements those of a heavy, stijf man. Tick easily eludes 
him, and makes no effort at defense. Business, ad lib.) 

Enter Twiggs suddenly, R. 

Twiggs. Hello! What's this ? I expected a duel and 
here's a sprinting match. (Laughs heartily. Looks at 
Topp.) Why, Topp, what is that you hold in your hand ? 
An oyster opener ? (Topp ^//^/ Twiggs R. Short and 
Spratt up C. Tick Z, Gin behind him.) 

Topp. Do you dare poke fun at me, sir. Don't do 
it again. You laugh again at your peril. 

Twiggs. Excuse me. I didn't mean to talk shop, 
my cachinatory muscles are subject to spasmodic move- 
ments. But what are you doing? 

Topp. ( Throws it away in disgust. ) That man had the 
impudence to bring a sausage knife on these hallowed 
precincts. 

Tick. Pardon me! Acorncutter! 

Spratt. No gentleman would propose a corncutter 
as a decent weapon. 

68 



TOPP'S TWINS. ' 65 

Twiggs. Quite right! We'll have none of them. 
They are perfectly absurd ! Fit only for niggros. Noth- 
ing like hair triggers. [Steps toward C) Has any gen- 
tleman a brace of pistols? I think I can arrange all to 
the satisfaction of the company. 

Spratt. (Comes down C.) I brought a pair for alter- 
natives. [Produces them from ease.) 

Twiggs. Ah, beauties! 

Tick. I object to hair triggers! 

Twiggs. On what grounds, sir? 

Tick. They might go off. 

Twiggs. A frivolous objection, sir! You owe Mr. 
Topp satisfaction. Your position is absurd, and let 
me say, sir, subjects you to suspicion; yes sir, to sus- 
picion of cowardice! 

Tick. [Comes tozaard t/iem, C , blusters.) I'm no cow- 
ard, mind that! [Aside.) This is serious. [Aside to 
Twiggs.) I don't want to fight. 

Twiggs. [In a friendly manner.) Don't want to fight? 
What are your reasons? 

Tick. I might get hurt! 

Twiggs. That's no reason! 

Tick. Come aside and I'll tell you all. 

Twiggs. Publicity is the only recourse at this stage 
of the proceedings. 

Tick. If you must then, I — I don't wish to deprive 
an honored house of its head. 

Topp. None of your sentiment, sir! 

Twiggs. A very commendable sentiment, but invalid. 

Dr. Short. Yes, insufficient. 

Twiggs. At this stage of the quarrel, without hav- 
ing satisfied wounded honor, no gentleman would ever 

69 



6^ fOPP's TWINS. 

speak to either of you again. I advise one shot any- 
way. 

Topp. I insist on one shot. 

Tick. I object to Mr. Topp's second. He is here 
through motives of revenge. I'll leave it to Dr. Short 
if motives of revenge are allowable in an affair of 
honor. 

Dr. Short. {Emphatically,) Never! {To Spratt, 
sternly.) Is this true, sir ? (Spratt j-//^;?/.) 

Gin. It is. He's mad at Mistah Tick 'cause he made 
fun of his twins, Grover Cleveland Spratt and Benjamin 
Harrison Spratt. 

Topp. I recall some words now, when I come to 
think of it. 

Twiggs. Resign, sir, at once! Do you resign? 

Spratt. I do! {Aside.) They are onto my scheme. 

Gin. {To Spratt, aside ) Bettah git now. 

Spratt. I'll get even with you, you black rascal. 
{Exit, while Gin. goes through pantomime of kicking hii?i 
out. ) 

Twiggs. {Muses.) Hang it all, I'll act as second 
for both parties. How's that? 

Dr. Short. {Gravely.) Unusual, without precedent 
but hoiiorable. 

Twiggs. {B^-usquely.) Gentlemen, consider it set- 
tled! Take your places! {They inove to places. Toppi?., 
Tick L. Tick mechanically., as if half dazed.) The word 
is one, two, three, fire. {Thrusts pistol in hand of each 
and goes up C. to give signal. Tick holds his weapon very 
awkwardly., pointing doivn ) Young man, are you going 
to shoot a hole in the earth? {Adjusts pistol on level for 
him. ) 

70 



TOPP'S TWINS. 67 

Topp. (podgtfig.) I don't like that. That's par- 
tiality. 

Twiggs. Ah, possibly. {Reflects a moment.^ Stay, I 
have an idea. {Produces pistol fi-oni pocket.) Dr. Short, 
favor me with your weapon. [Takes Short's //V/t?/ and 
goes up C.) Ready, gentlemen. Dr. Short, I'll trouble 
you to give the signal. The principals will kindly aim 
at each other and, to show strict impartiality, I'll shoot 
at both. {^Levels a pistol at each of the principals.) 

Topp. [Dodging.) Hold on there! 

Tick. [Dodging, immediately recoveritig himself .) No 
sir -ee! that wont do! 

Dr. Short. Extraordinary! 

Enter Mrs. Twiggs, ^., runs to Twiggs. 

Mrs. T. Oh, Josiah, have you found them ? (Twiggs 
hastily thrusts one pistol in his pocket and tries to hide the 
other under his coat.) Oh, Josiah, why don't you speak. 
Is anybody killed? Has blood been shed? 

Twiggs. [Disgusted.) Not a blamed drop! [Aside.) 
Fun all spoiled. 

Enter Angie and Mrs. T-K., running R. 

Mrs. T-K. [Running to Topp, R.) Oh, Mr. Topp, 
I implore you spare him! 

Angie. [Running to Tick, L.) Spare him, Mr. Tick! 
Spare him! 

Tick. Certainly! I can spare him ! [Puts arm round 
her waist.) 

Topp. [Furious) Bless my eyes! Look at his au- 
dacity! I will commit murder. [Tries to get at Tick, 
flourishing corncutter. Mrs. T-K. clings to him.) 

Mrs. T-K. You shall not! [Tableau.) Be merciful! 

71 



68 TOPP'S TWINS, 

Topp. Rash woman, let me go! My honor is at 
stake, 

Mr. T. Mr. Topp, there's a slight mistake some- 
where. i^Everybody pauses for explanations^ T. crosses to 
Topp.) I'll try to clear it up. You advertised for 
twins ? 

Tick. Twins! {Makes face of surprise.) Dogs! 

Mrs. T. Generous man ! 

Topp. [Ajinoyed.) Madam, this is no place for a 
disquisition on generosity. 

Mrs. T. So modest! Don't deny it. 

Mr. T. Your advertisement brought my daughters 
to your house. You admired one of them, but I fear 
you made advances to the wrong one by mistake. 

Topp. {^Pointing to Angie.) That is the young lady 
I meant. 

Mrs. T-K. But unfortunately she objects. {Cojifiden- 
tially.) I fear her affections are elsewhere. (Angie 
cuddies up to Tick.) 

Topp. [Regardi72g At^ g\^ a jid Tick.) Humph! Well, 
I shouldn't be surprised if they were. Here's a pretty 
state of affairs. I've made a fool of myself. Well, 
"There's no fool like an old fool." 

Mr. T. My dear Mr. Topp, a young man should 
not be so pessimistic. Let me match your maxim with 
another. "There's just as good fish in the sea as ever 
were caught." [Nudges Mrs. T. aside.) How's that 
for a pointer? 

Mrs. T. Mr. Topp, let me introduce my daughter, 
Mrs, Twiggs-Knott. (Topp bo7i>s. Mrs. T., Confide?i- 
tially.) She is the mother of lovely twins. 

Topp. Ah! indeed, madam? {To Mrs. T-K.) Boys? 

72 



TOPP'S TWINS. 69 

Mrs. T-K. Fine fellows. 

Topp. Age? 

Mrs. T-K. Seven. 

Topp. Both the same age ? 

Mrs. T-K. {Confused.) Why, to be sure. 

Topp. [Confused.) Yes, of course, I beg pardon! 

Mrs. T-K. [A^udging Josiah.) Confused.' That's a 
good sign. 

Mr. T. Rattled! 

Topp. Healthy? 

Mrs. T-K. Tough as pine knots. 

Mr, T. [Laughing.) Pine knots, Twiggs-Knotts too 
[Laug/is at his witticism. ) 

Mrs. T. [Aside.) ^ Josiah, your puns are atrocious. 
( Twiggs goes L. C. to Tick and speaks inaudibly to 
him. ) 

Topp. Madam, I'll take the goods, if they're up to 
grade. 

Mrs. T-K. The goods? 

Tick. Now, the old man is talking shop himself. 

Topp. I mean, I'll take the boys. 

Mrs. T-K. Oh, thank you! Oh, how good of him! 

Topp. Mr. Twiggs, you seem to know that young 
man of monumental assurance. Who is this Tick? 

Twiggs. Tick? Why, his name is not Tick. That 
is a nick-name the boys gave him. He is the son of 
my oldest friend, John Baggs. He is in the employ of 
Topp & Topp. 

Topp. [To Tick ) Are you my man, Jim Baggs? 

Tick. [Bowing.) I have that honor. 

Topp. Playing tricks on the "old man," eh? I've a 
mind to discharge you on the spot. Well, I wont, 

73 



yo TOPP S TWINS. 

come to think of it. The manager says you could sell 
oysters to a tobacco sign. 

Tick. {Bowing.^ Thank you! 

Topp. But I can't forgive such freaks, sir. 

Tick. I'm very sorry^ 

Twiggs. Yes, he's sorry. Young blood you know 
and none spilled either — {^All laugh.) 

Mrs. T. {Severely ) Josiah ! 

Mr. T. Yes, my dear I 

Mrs T-K. We had better go home! 

Topp. Certainly, madam. Potts! Where's that niggro ? 

Gin. {Coming forwai'd.) Yis, sah. 

Topp. Go to the cab stand at the Park and send 
carriages to meet us at the fountain. 

Gin. Yis, sah. {Exit L ) 

Mrs. T-K. {To Topp.) I do so dislike to part with 
my dear little boys. Only poverty — 

Topp. They shall have all the advantages of wealth. 

Mrs. T-K. There may be conditions attached to their 
going? 

Topp. Indeed? I thought that was all settled? 

Mrs. T-K. {Sentimentally., with languishing glance.) I 
should be very lonely. 

Topp. Ah, I think I understand the conditions. 
{Looks at her significantly.) The mother goes with the 
twins? 

Mrs. T-K. She ///4'"^// be induced — that is — oh, dear, 
how sudden! how embarrassing! 

Topp. To relieve that embarrassment, I accept the 
conditions. 

Twiggs. Take her, my boy ! Take her, and God bless 
you, my children. {Slaps Topp ^// back.) 

74 



TOPP S TWINS. 71 

Mrs. T. Josiah, you shock me. You anticipate. 

This is no place for such demonstrations. Will you. go 

home? 

Mr. T. I v/ill. Come along. [Seizes her aj-m.) 
Topp. {^Taking anfi of M'us. T'Y^.) Come, dear, The 

house of Topp & Topp shall still keep in the line of its 

traditions. Twin brothers, same age. (Tick takes A-^^- 

gie's ar7?i. Dress stage. ) 

Tableau : 
R. L. 

Short, Mr. Topp, Mrs. T-K., Twiggs, Mrs. T.. Angie, Tick. 

Curtain. 



75 



72 TOPP S TWINS. 

ABOUT THE PLAY. 

Costumes of the day. No special make-up is needed 
and the only direction to be given is that each person 
should dress in character. 

The dialect of Ginger is largely that of the conven- 
tional stage darky, which is absurdly unlike the real 
thing. It is used. here for two reasons. First because 
it is the conventional type that people in the north ex- 
pect; and second, because the real negro speech is very 
hard to express in print, and would be very difficult 
for an amateur to render with such slight study as is 
usual. In fact the negro dialect of the south consists 
largely in the ^tOMWdiX sonorous quality of the negro voice 
and in the use of quaint expressions. To pronounce ''Mas- 
sa" "Massy" is to fail utterly in imitating the African. 
It is broad and rich, Mas' r {^nearly). Their grammar 
is frequently very good, but the penchant of the African 
to use high-sounding words often leads to very ludicrous 
results. Topp's Twins will require careful rehearsal. 
Owing to the peculiar nature of the humor and the droll 
situations, anything like lagging will ruin the effect , 
The man who plays Cadwalder Topp must not forget 
that he is always a gentleman, even in his anger, but he 
is a ^i,v///>/ gentleman and not an icicle. Tick's assur- 
ance always has good nature in it, while Spratt's is 
malicious. Mrs. Dubbledam is slow, heavy and seri- 
ous in all she does. 

The author has endeavored to follow the old style 
and let the humor of the play flow continuously rather 
than to depend on startling climaxes for effect. 

The duel scene may be made very effective, but it 
must not descend to "horse play." 

76 



PATSY O'WANG 



An Irish Farce with a Chinese Mix-Up 



By T. S. DENISON 

Author of 

Odds with the Enemy. Initiating a Granger. Wanted, a Correspondent, A 
Family Strike. Seth Greenback, Louva. the Pauper. Hans Von Smash, 
Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back. Country Jus- 
tice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup. Our Country, Irish Linen 
Peddler. The School Ma'am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, 
Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, 
The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, 
Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O'Wang, Re- 
jected. Only Cold Tea. Madam P's Beauty Parlors. Topp's 
Twins. A First-Class Hotel, It's all in the Pay-Streak, 
The Cobbler. A Dude in a Cyclone. Friday Dialogues. 

Also the Novels, 

The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc. 



CHICAGO: 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street. 



PATSY O WANG. 

PATSY O'WANG. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Patsy O' Wang, alias Chin Sum, from Hong Kong. 
Dr. Henry Fluke, who runs a sanitarium. 
Mike, from the ould sod, an assistant. 
Mr. Boyler, a patient with rheumatism. 
Mrs. Harriet Fluke. 

Miss Simper, who has a mission, a Chinese Sunday- 
school. 

NoRAH, maid of all work. 



Time of jRepresenfation, thirty-five minutes. 



Synopsis and Hints to Players. 

The key to this capital farce is the remarkable trans- 
formation of which Chin Sum is capable. Born of Irish 
father and Chinese mother and brought up in barracks 
at Hong Kong he has a remarkable dual nature. Whis- 
key, the drink of his father, transforms him into 
a true Irishman, while strong tea, the beverage of his 
mother, has the power of restoring fully his Chinese 
character. Dr. Fluke employs Chin as cook, on the 
hearty recommendation of his old friend, Major 
Barker. Unfortunately for the doctor. Chin gets at the 
whiskey bottle through the carelessness of Mike, who, 
in his way is no less a character than Chin Sum him- 
self. For the subsequent ludicrous incidents read the 
text of the play. 

The author believes that this farce will prove one of 
the most popular. The extraordinary success of his 
previous plays, notably the farces "Hans Von Smash." 
"Irish Linen Peddler," and ''Wide Enough for Two," 



COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON. 

78 



PATSY O WANG. 3 

renders this prediction a safe one. What the public 
wants is humor and action. In the latter feature "Patsy 
O'VVang" is unequaled. Caution, in fact, is necessary 
here lest the play be overdone. Excessive boisterous- 
ness and "horse play" should be carefully avoided. 

This is a play that must be ivell rehea^'sed. It must 
be kept in mind that while Mike and Norah are con 
ventional Irish with a thick brogue, Patsy (after his 
transformation) speaks good English with little if any 
brogue. In Hong Kong his associations were with of- 
ficers of the British army (as servant) and naturally he 
acquired the language of gentlemen. 

No instructions can be given here concerning the 
Chinese part except that the timbre and tones of the 
Chinese voice are very peculiar, and can be learned only 
by listening to Chinamen. The Chinese dialect as writ- 
ten here (and elsewhere in America) is at best but a 
poor imitation, but good enough to be funny, which is 
the only object in view. 



Costumes of the day. Patsy, very thick-soled shoes 
(can be fixed at home), and tunic to wear outside 
pantaloons. 



PROPERTIES. 

Machine of some kind to make noise in wings; 
bottles in box, bottles on shelves, extra coat and shoes 
for office, ulster, hot-water bag and tube, funnel, cane, 
letter, large syringe, or other article to serve as stom- 
ach pump, tray, tea-pot, cups, plate of crackers, pigtail 
for Patsy, wig for Boyler. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage C, center; R. C, 
right center; Z. , left; i E., first entrance; U. E., 
upper entrance, etc. ; D. F., door in flat or back of the 
stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 

79 



PATSY O'WANG. 




I — I I I ^ 

Diploma Shelves chair 



o 

r-v Table 



Door 




80 




PATSY O'WANG. 



Scene — Doctor Fluke's office. Main entrance Z. , pri- 
vate consultation room R, massage and electric room en- 
trance D, F. R. C. Table C, with old papers and maga- 
zines. Small bookcase with books, or shelves with bottles at 
option., by flat L. C. Diploma on luall . Sign on door 
"Dr. Fluke, hours 12 to 4.'" Settee, R. 

Mrs, F. {Discovered as curtain arises.) Well, Dr. Fluke, 
/ shant take the responsibility of having a Chinaman 
in the house. 

Dr. F. My dear, don't be absurd! There's no re- 
sponsibility in the case. Out in California, you know, 
people are charmed with Chinese cooks. Why, your 
sister couldn't be induced to part with Weak Lung. 

Mrs. F. Maria always was eccentric. 

Dr. F. But you know, darling, we have tried every- 
thing but the Chinese — Trish, Swede, German, French, 
African, Yankee — that's so aswehayen't had any Hin- 
doos yet nor Cannibal Islanders. ^ 

Mrs. F. Dear me! It makes me weary to think of it. 
W^hy can't we get along with Norah ? 

Dr. F. [Sarcastically) Or transform Mike into a 
cook. 

Mrs. F. Now you are absurd, Henry. I'll wash my 
hands of the whole affair. 

Dr. F. My dear, that is just what I wanted you to say. 

Mrs. F. Indeed, then you needn't have asked my 
opinion at all. 

Dr. F. I am sure this Patsy O'Wang is a treasure. 

6 81 



6 PATSY O WANG. 

Mrs. F, {In astonishment.) Patsy O'Wang! Patsy 
doesn't sound very Chinese. 

Dr. F. But he has a history. 

Mrs. F. Oh indeed! That's rather a doubtful accom- 
plishment for a cook. 

Dr. F. Quite the contrary! Harriet, I tell you that 
I've found a treasure. Let me read you what Major 
Barker says in his letter recommending Chin Sum. 

Mrs. F. Chin Sum! I thought you said his name 
was — what barbarous name did you say? 

Dr. F. {Laughing.) Patsy O'Wang! but that's only 
a nick-name. The Chinese of it is Chin Sum. Now 
Chin is the son of a wild Irish officer in the tenth Artil- 
lery stationed formerly at Hong Kong. His mother was 
a pretty Chinese girl. 

Mrs. F. {Surprised.) Well, did you ever! 

Dr. F. My dear, I admit that there is a slight flaw 
in his pedigree. {Looking at letter.) But let me skip 
all that. Major Barker speaks of him in the most ex- 
travagant terms — {reading): ''The best cook I ever 
saw," "the most obedient servant," "the most affec- 
tionate creature" ; {tinumphantly) isn't that enough ? 

Mrs. F. I suppose so since apparently it is all settled. 

Dr. F. There's more. 

Mrs. F. Never mind, skip it. 

Dr. F. Eh, what's this? "Never under any circum- 
stances let him taste a drop of whiskey." 

Mrs. F. Humph, then you'll have to keep him and 
Mike apart. 

Dr. F. {Reads to himself .) Really that is surprising. 

Mrs. F. What's surprising? 

Enter Norah, L. 

Dr. F. Nothing, my dear (r^^^^). " The remedy is" — 
Norah. If you plaze, sor, the Chinee cook has come. 
Dr. F. All right, Norah, show him his room and 
then take him to the kitchen. My dear will you in- 
stall him? 

83 



PATSY O WANG. 7 

Mrs. F. No indeed! You may do that, Henry, till 
he gets a start. Decidedly I feel nervous with a China- 
man in the kitchen. Who knows but he may poison us 
all. 

NoRAH. {^Re-enter with card) If you plaze, Mrs. 
Fluke, Miss Simper's at the dure. 

Mrs. F. Show her in, Norah, at once. [Exit Norah, 
L.) Now she will be trying to convert him. 

Enter Miss Simper, Z. 

Mrs. F. I'm delighted to see you. Miss Simper. 

Miss S. Thank you! I just run in for a minute. 
Good morning. Dr. Fluke. 

Dr. F. Good morning, Miss Simper. How charm- 
ing you look. That tonic benefited you greatly. 
Shall I change the prescription ? 

Miss S. {Hastily.) No, thank you, I have come 
to-day in the interest of the missionary cause. 

Mrs. F. Wont you step back into the parlor where 
we can talk at leisure? 

Miss S. Oh no, I'm in a dreadful hurry. The Afri- 
can Argonauts meet at eleven and I preside. W^e start 
our first worker to Ashantee to-morrow. At 4 p. m. the 
Mongolian Mediators have a meeting and at 8 p. m. 
is the debate in which we shall answer the Cannibal 
Calumniators. 

Dr. F. You are a very busy bee, Miss Simper. 

Miss S. No, I've resigned from the Busy Bees; con- 
centrating you see. They say you have a new Chinese 
cook, Mrs. Fluke. 

Mrs. F. Not I. He's the doctor's importation. 
Talk to him. 

Miss S. {Enthusiastically.) Oh doctor, tell me all 
about him. My heart bleeds for the millions of Asia 
who sit in outer darkness. 

Dr. F. My dear Miss Simper, he is a gold nugget; 
he will be a capital acquisition in your mission school, 
so intelligent, so docile, so affectionate, so — so — 

83 



8 PATSY O WANG 

MissS. Just so. Oh, I'm perfectly delighted. Doctor, 
does he — ah — has he doffed the Chinese garb yet and 
donned the raiment of civilization? 

Dr. F. Blessed if I know. I'll call him in and in- 
troduce him at once. {Rings.) 

Miss S. Do so. I was just going to ask that very 
favor. I'm sure he will agreeably surprise us all. 

Dr. F. He will. (Norah enters L.) Bring Chin 
Sum here. 

Mrs. F. I hope the wretch doesn't smoke opium. 

Dr. F. Harriet, don't expose your ignorance. That 
is done m Joints. 

Mrs. F. What kind of joints? 

Dr. F. Blessed if I know, bamboo joints possibly. 
I hear the Chinese do most everything with bamboo 
except to fight Japan. They did that in their minds. 

Enter ]>^ov.AYi. folloiued by Chin. 

Dr. F. Chin Sum, I want to introduce you to my 
wife; by the way, I think I will call you Patsy. Wife, 
our new servant Patsy O'Wang. (Mrs. F. surveys hi jn 
in silence.) 

Patsy. {Puts left hand to heart and bows.) Velly 
much glad see Missee Fluke. 

Dr. F. And this is Miss Simper, a mission young 

lady. 

Patsy. Vellee nice mission gull {girl) 

Miss S. {Blushing.) Mr. O'Wang, you're ^6? gallant. 
Promise me to come to Bible class next Sunday. 

Patsy. Sooh thing! 

Miss S. How intelligent! 

Patsy. Leadee all same Biblee in Flisco? 

Miss S. I don't understand him. {Turns enquiringly 
to Dr ) 

Dr. F. Yes, Patsy, they read the same Bible as they 
do in Frisco. 

Patsy. Sing velly nice hymn-song all same day? 

Dr. F. Yes! 

84 



PATSY O WANG. 9 

Patsy. Chin Sum make be school boy next Sunday 
all same day. 

Dr. F, {Looks at watch.) Patients will be coming 
soon. Patsy, I'll show you the kitchen and tell you 
what to prepare for dinner to-day, after that Mrs. Fluke — 

Mrs. F. Oh dear! 

Miss S. How charming! So childlike! 

Patsy. {Grins.) All samee lika big man-shile? No 
catchee what say. 

Dr. F. Patsy, go to the kitchen, I'll be there in a 
minute. {Dr. goes into office changes coat., putting on light 
jacket, hanging coat in office. Follows Patsy out L. ) 

No RAH and Mike heard D. F. 

Mrs. F. Here are the attendants getting the baths 
ready. Come into the house. It may be all right but 
I'm afraid. 

Miss S. What, afraid of Chin! I shall call him Chin, 
poor boy. I think those Chinese names perfectly 
lovely. So brief, so simple, so childlike. Chin! just 
think! so expressive. 

Mrs. F. {As they go, L.) And those horrid stories of 
rats and opium. 

Miss S. I don't believe a word of it. {Exeunt, L.) 

Enter Mike and Norah/;w;/ D F. 

NoRAH. What do you think, Mike, of havin' a 
Chinee cook in the house? 

Mike. Ah Norah, it's an outrage, that's the whole 
blissid truth. To think of a blackgyard haythen cookin' 
for dacint people. 

NoRAH. It's a disgrace, I'll give notice, I will — 

Mike. I'll not ate a bit o' his dirthy cookin', faith 
I'll not. 

NoRAH. But what'll ye do. Them that works must 
eat. 

Mike. {Winking.) O'im all right as long as free 
lunches hold out. 

NoRAH. Free lunches ye'd better let alone, Mike. 

85 



10 PATSY O WANG. 

Mike. Norah, it's not the lunches that afficts me. 
It's what goes with thim, 

Norah. Last time you know, Dr. P'luke said you'd 
have to leave if you got drunk again. 

Mike. It's a bit o' charity the doctor needs. Ivery 
mon has some wakeness. 

Norah. And woman is weak too, so just carry out 
that box of bottles for me, I'll have to wash them here. 
The doctor has some of his truck in the laboratory. 

Mike. He'll be blowin' the whole place up yit 
with his dinnymite an' farmacopy. {^Brings out bottles 
and sets box L. up.) 

Norah. Mike, ye'd better get ready for Mr. Boyler. 
He'll be here pretty soon for his electricity and that 
Englishman will want his bawth. (Norah quashing 
bottles. ) 

Mike Faith it's enough to try the patience of ould 
Job himself. Begob,Job never was docthor's assistant. 
I regret I iver intered the midical profession. Ivery 
toime I look at ould Boyler he sez, Mike, ye've hurt me 
rheumatiz again. 

Norah. Mike, you are too strong, you must be careful. 

Mike. Faith I handle him just like a new born 
baby, or like the egg with the chick unborn. But the 
ould badger's that tender I'm mortally afraid he'll go 
all to pieces in the bath tub. 

Norah. Mr. Boyler complains to Doctor Fluke that 
you are too rough. 

Mike. Too rough, is it! Faith he'll have to be 
packed in cotton nixt. The Docthor was after tellin' 
me to stretch Boyler's limbs gintly loike an' I tuk 
hDld av his arm with one hand and his shoulther with 
the other like this and pulled like this, sort o' bracin' 
mysilf loike with one fut forinst the tub. I'm a thafe 
if some jint or other didn't snap like a pistol. I was 
so scared that I dropped the ould bundle in the wather 
hid over ears. I thought he was goin' to exshplode 
right there in me hands. 

86 



PATSY 0*WANG. if 

NoRAH. {Laughing.) What did he say ? 
Mike. I don^t know what he intinded to say. He 
sthrangled. 

NoRAH. Why, was he under the water so long as 

that? 

Mike. No, indade it wasn't the wather. It was the 
strong language. He is that way soipetimes when his 
emotions overcome him. When the ould sinner gets to 
swearin', he can't stop till he sthrangles. After that 
he's very paceable for a shpell. 

NoRAH. But he's awful good in spite of his rough 
ways. He gives you many a quarter. 

Mike. That he does and I couldn't think more of 
an only child if I had wan nor an only father ayther 
for that matter. I'm prayin' for him night an' day. 
If he survives these baths and the alectricity an' the 
drugs and the plasthers, it'll be a great triumph of the 
midical profession. There he comes now, I hear his 
cane on the walk. 

Enter Boyler, Z., limpingand twisted with rheuma- 
tism, 

BoYLER. Good morning, Mike, good morning, Norah. 

Mike. Mornin', sir. Begob, ye're spry as a kitten 
this marnin'. I thought it was the milkman whin I 
heerd yez. 

Boyler. Mike, try to be careful to-day. You rubbed 
my right side yesterday till I think you started all my 
ribs. 

Norah. Do be gentle, Mike. 

Mike. I'll be as tender — as tender as a shpring 
chicken. It's alictricty, sor, to-day? 

Boyler. So it is, I forgot. 

Mike. The docthor said yez could'nt stand another 
bath to-day. {Catching himself.) I mane ye're im- 
provin' till yez don't nade it. {Leads B. into D. F. to 
operating room.) 

Norah. {Washing bottlesi) Such dirty bottles. The 
labels ain't half soaked off and the half of them look 



\2 PATSY O'WANG. 

greasy, {Sound of machine /m??i??iing.) Boyler groans: 
"Oh! Mike, that's too strong." 

NoRAH. Poor man, I wonder if it does him any 
good ? 

Enter Patsy O'VVang, L. 

Patsy. Ilishgal! Monnin', Nolee. 

NoRAH. (Looks up.) What's that? 

Patsy. All samee nice day. 

NoRAH. Go back with yez to the kitchen. * 

Patsy. Chin Sum want see. 

Enter Mike/;-^;;/ D. F. 

Mike. Yez want to see? All right ye shall see. That 
(Points R. door.) is the Docthor's private consultifica- 
tion room. Nobody but himself and patients and mim- 
bers of the profession like mesilf go in there, (B. calls 
"Mike.") Back there is the operating room. Whin yez 
git hurted that's where they saw yer leg off. 

Patsy. (Starting.) What time saw leg? 

Mike, Ony toime. 

Patsy. Who leg? 

Mike. Begob, onbody's if they can pay for the job. 
(B. impatiently calls "Mike, Mike!'') 

Mike. Comin', sor. 

Patsy, (Sees machine through door.) What machine? 
All samee lope loun wheel, 

Mike. (Scratching his head.) I'm thinkin' it would 
take a Frinchman or a Dago to talk to the haythen. 

Patsy, Lope loun wheel, (Makes sign of turning.) 

Mike, He wants to turn a bit, Begob, yez may turn 
awhile, 

Norah. Be careful, Mike. The doctor wouldn't 
like it. (They enter D. F.) 

Mike, (Voice heard.) Turn aisy loike. It's great 
shport, {Patsy turns machine.) 

Re-Enter Mike, 

Norah, Doctor wouldn't like your letting that 
Chinee boy meddle here. 



PATSY O'WANG, 13 

Mike. I've a bit of an arrant. He may turn till I 
get back . {Exit L. ) 

NoRAH. Worry now! These be a bad lot of bottles. 
{Drops one and breaks it.) There, I've broken one. (B. 
groans "Hold, that's too fast. " Vat^y turns faster. B. 
jd'/Zj- "stop. " Chinaman does not understand. B. screams 
in pain, ''stop, you scoundrel!") 

NoRAH. Oh dear, there they go. I knew there would 
be trouble. {Calls D. Z.) "Mike, Mike, come quick. 
Where is the doctor ? He ought to be here. ' ' {Runs out 

BoYLER. {Gets up, and crash of chair upsetting.) You 
Mongolian idiot. {Comes out D. F.) Where is that ras- 
cally Irishman? (^xt^y follows out, looks puzzled.) John, 

you are a fool. 

Patsy. {Grins.) My name not John. Name in Chinee 
Chin Sum. Melican name Patsy O'Wang. 

B. Stop your chatter, you mummy, you saffron col- 
ored rat catcher! Where is that rascal of a Mike? 
When I get well it'll be a bad day for him. I'll mur- 
der that man yet. {Dances around.) How my nerves 
thrill, oh! oh! {Seizes left leg and dances around on right.) 
The I'iniment! No attendance here. I'll sue Fluke for 
damages. Here, you moon-faced Mongolian monkey! 
What are you grinning at? Do you see that bottle of 
liniment? {Points with cane to bottle on shelf.) 

Patsy. Heap bottle, one time, whichee? 

B. That one! bring it in and rub me. I'm on fire. 

Patsy. Melican man hot like old boy; all bun up. 

BoYLER. I'll die in this infernal torture chamber. 
{Roars.) Bring the bottle! {Enters D. F. growling and 

holding leg.) 

Patsy. {Takes bratidy bottle, uncorks, smells.) Urn! 
Hong Kong "blandy! make toddy likee time in Hong 
Kong. Dlink heap toddy. {Takes drink, rubs stomach.) 

Um! vellv good 

B. {Calls.) Hurry up, you! What on earth are you 

doing? 

89 



14 fATSY O WANG. 

Patsy. [Takes botllc of liniment, enters D. F. Rubs ■ 
E. , who gives grunts of satisfaction. Patsy runs out, takes 
another drink, rubs stomach, runs back again, rubs B. 
Business ad lib. ) 

Enter Mike i'/z^^-iv//)', /(5'//^7('/<f^//^v Nor AH, L. They sur- 
prise Patsy with bottle 

Mike. Put that down, ye haythen ! 

Patsy. Ilishman dlunk! {Runs back and turns han- 
dle fuj'iously. ) 

NoRAH. Do ye hear that, Mike? That Chinaman's 
goin' to ruin the place! Oh, do stop him. 

MiK);:. Let the haythen airn his wages. [Piercing 
shrieks from B.) 

NoRAH. Oh Mike, do stop him. He'll kill Mr. Boy- 
ler. 

Mike. [Unconcernedly.) Faith, that's nothin'. That's 
the way the ould badger goes on ivery day if I only touch 
a bit av a sore spot. A good shakin' up '11 benefit him 
greatly. I think he'll be ready nixt for the bat's liver 
oil. 

NoRAH. Merciful powers! Did ye say bat's liver 
oil? 

Mike. Bat's liver oil, I said. (Patsy comes out to 
make sneak for bottle, Mike turns and sees him.) Hould 
on there, Patsy! The docthor and meself have insti- 
tooted a regular coorse (B. yells) ' 'Mike, where are you ?' ' 
Here, sor. [To Norah.) First comes the hot bath at 
noinety noine degrays Farenhot, followed by pullin' the 
limbs, on the injy rubber plan. [Business of stretching 
patienf s arm.) Nixt is the alictricity an' liniment; thin 
comes the bat's liver oil. 

Norah. An' what will be next ? 

Mike. That's a saycret like the Kaly cure. 

Norah. Tell me wont you Mike? 

Mike. Yis, if yez wont tell onybody. [Approaches 
her and puts tip hand to her ear, then in very loud distinct 
stage whisper}) Sand paper! 

.90 



PATSY C)*\VANG. 15 

NoRAH. Go 'long with yez. {S/i7ps him) 

B {Inside.) Murder! Oh! oh! You infernal scoun- 
drel. {Great racket of B. getting out of chair. Patsy 
conies out fixing with B. after him. They come down C. 
B. strikes Patsy with cane. Patsy grabs at cane and pulls 
B. 's wig off. Runs with it into office., R. , and closes door as 
B. throws cane after him.) 

Mike. Thank God he's cured! He's throwed away 
the cane. (B. clutches at Mike's throat, Mike dodges.) 
Aisy sor, aisy, ye're all right now. 

B. {Speaks li'ith difficulty.) You villain! My leg is 
on fire. {Makes after Mike, chases him round the table.) 

Mike. I belave it, sor. It's a very lively leg, Mr. 
Boyler. {They stop, Mike next L., B. R. of table.) 

B. ( Trying to speak but can not for rage and excitement. ) 
Oh, you — you — 

Mike. Aisy sor, careful sor. Wont ye step into the 
office and write a bit of a tistimonial for the inshti- 
tootion ? (B. shakes his fist at him, speechless.) 

NoRAH. Oh dear, we're all ruined. He'll tell the 

Doctor. 

Mike. Whist, he's stranglin' now. It is the profanity. 
He's often took that way. (Patsy /// office utters a loud 
whoop. ) 

NoRAH. Where is the Doctor. Everything's going 
to ruin. {Runs out L. Another whoop in office. B. fra7i- 
tically rubbing lame leg. ) 

Mike. That haythen is gettin' gay. I'll tache him 
a lesson he won't forget soon. I'll tache him to stay in 
the kitchen. {Goes toward office door.) 

B. {Recovers speech.) I'll have you arrested, you 
villain, for malpractice. 

Mike. Malpractice! What sort o' practice is that? 

B. You are a pair of knaves. (/// excitement puts 

down lame leg.) 

Mike. What a wonderful cure. Beautiful! I 11 just 
kape this stick as a tistimonial. 

B. None of your insolence. I'll sue Doctor Fluke 

91 



l6 PATSY O'WANG. 

for damages, and as for you and that Chinaman, I'll 
have you put in jail. {Going L.) 

Mike. A beautiful cure, sor. Ye walk as straight 
as — as straight — as the moral law. Ye'd make an ille- 
gant drum-major. 

B. [S?wrts.) Drum-major! {Going.) 

Mike. Wont yez take yer hat, sor? [ExifB. L. 
limping very little.) Now I'll just settle with John 
Chinaman, bad cess to him. 

Enter Patsy suddenly from office. 

Patsy. Whoopee! Feelgood! Alice same day feel 
bully! {Jimips from floor and kicks his woode7i- soled shoes 
like an athlete. ) 

Mike. (Starting back.) Faith I think he's possissed ! 
(Patsy still clutches ivig in left hand., seizes cane from 
table and jumps up again. Comes down ivitli a whoop and 
makes a lightning shillelah pass at Mike's head.) 

Mike. The divil's in him. I'd betther call the 
docthor. {Starts L. sloivly at first with Patsy advancing. 
They keep eyes on each other and Mike gradually gets in a 
panic. He suddenly darts for door just as Patsy throws 
an empty bottle from table at his head. Bottle breaks out- 
side with a crash. 

Patsy. {Comes down C.) It's a bad head I have! 
Where am I? What am I? {Tlmiks a moment.) Now I 
have it. I'm an Irishman again. Is this Hong Kong? 
No, this is America. {Looks round.) A doctor's shop! 
I was this way once before in Hong Kong when I got 
drunk in the barracks. Whiskey brings out the Irish 
in me. But they put me back. What did they give 
me? I can't remember. My head's all confused. 
{Hands to head.) Well, I wont be a Chinaman. I wont 
take a blessed drop of anything but poteen. I'll get 
rid of this Chinese dress. I hate it. {Notices wig.) 
Just the thing! {Coils pig-tail up carefully on top of his 
head and puts on B. 's 7vig. Looks in haiid glass that is on 
shelf,) Not so bad! Old coat, I'm done with you, too. 

92 



PATSY O'WANG. I7 

{Throws off Chinese tunic. Gets doctor's coat from nail in- 
side office' and puts it on. Looks in glass.) Not so bad a 
fit, though a bit too long in the tails. {Walks across 
stage.) Well now, aint I good enough Irish for New 
York or Chicago or Cork ayther ? [Sees shoes.) Look 
at the bloody shoes. [Kicks them high in the air. ) Off 
with ye. Cow leather's good enough for me. [Goes in 
office and conies out with doctor s shoes. Puts theni on. ) 
Now me toilet is more to me likin'. [Struts admiringly.) 
Let that ould bear come back an' the doctor and his 
man. I'll thrash the whole crowd if they lay hands on 

me. 

Enter Mrs. Fluke, L. 

Mrs. F. a patient? The doctor will soon be here. 
Have a seat, sir. [Notices oddity of Patsy's appearance. 
Starts. ) Oh ! Who are you ? 

Patsy. Don't be alarmed, madam. I'm Patsy 
O'Wang. I'm the new — No, indeed, I'm not that. 

Mrs. F. The new cook, and crazy! Oh dear, I knew 
there'd be trouble. Oh, luhy doesn't Dr. Fluke come! 

Patsy. I beg, madam, that you do not give your- 
self any uneasiness about the doctor. He'll soon be 
here, I assure you. 

Mrs. F. He seems harmless. I declare if he hasn't 
a wig! And as I live the doctor's coat on. [Aside.) A 
robber in disguise. 

Patsy. Madam, you are not well. [Politely.) I htg 
you to be seated. [Points to chair by table ) 

Mrs. F. He's very polite, at any rate. [During this 
dialogue Mrs. F. has been getting closer to door L. and at 
last darts out suddenly to surprise of Patsy.) 

Patsy. There's goes another! It's not much confi- 
dence the new mistress has in me. They're puttin' a job 
up on me. What is it they gave me before? [Thinks.) 
I'd give a thousand dollars if I could only think of it. 

Enter Dr. F. Z. followed by Mrs. F., Norah," Mike, 
Miss Simper. Patsy runs into office R. and locks himself 

in. 

93 



l8 PATSY O WANG. 

Mrs. F. Doctor Fluke, I told you something would 
happen. 

Dr. F. Pshaw, nothing has happened. Mike let 
him have whiskey. 

Mrs. F. I told you so. The very thing he shouldn't 
have had. 

Dr. F. I'll cure him quick enough, and Mike you 
are very careless. 

Mike. I'm very sorry, sor, but I didn't let him have 
the whiskey. Do yez think I'd be wastin' good liquor 
on a Chinaman ? . 

Mrs. F. But he's got it now and what will you do, 
I'd like to know? 

Dr. F. I'll just give him the remedy spoken of by 
Major Barker. 

Mrs. F. What -is the remedy ? 

Dr. F. {Claps hand in pocket ') Where is that letter? 
Here's a go! {Turns over papers on table looking for 
letter. ) 

Mrs F. Have you lost the letter? 

Dr. F. It seems so. {Business of diving his hands 
into his pockets.) Oh,Ihaveit! 

Mrs. F. Read it then! 

Dr. F. I mean, I know where it is. I changed coats. 

Mrs. F. And Patsy has the coat on ! 

Dr. F. Well that is a situation! 

Mrs. F. {Hysterically.) Now he'll murder us all. 

Dr. F. Nonsense! Major Barker says he's the most 
affectionate creature. 

Mrs. F. Major Barker, fiddlesticks! 

Miss S. I am sure the major must be right. I do 
think the Chinese have such lovely dispositions. 

Mrs. F. Miss Simper, you and the doctor fatigue 
me with such twaddle. 

Dr. F. Mike, suppose you go into the office and ask 
him for my coat. 

Mike. If you plaze, sor, I think my appearance 
excoites him a bit. 

94 



PATSY O WANG. IQ 

Miss S. Oh, let me go. [Starts.) 

Mrs F. Miss Simper, are you out of your senses? 
[Pulls her back. ) 

Dr. F. I will go in. 

Mrs. F. [Pulling him back.) Henry, do you want to 
be murdered ? 

Dr. F. [Petulantly releasing himself .) Let me alone. 
[Goes toward door, knocks.) "Patsy! Patsy!" 

Mrs. F. Oh rash man! Henry, I know we'll all be 
killed in our tracks. 

Miss S. Let me reason with him! 

Mrs. F. Oh you silly goose. Do be quiet, wont you. 
What can he be doing ? [All listen.) It's as quiet as the 
grave. I'll bet he's taking poison in his desperation. 
Or hanging himself, may be. 

Mike. There's a noice bit o' rope on the pulley 
machine. 

Mrs. F. We'll all be killed yet, I know. Miss Sim- 
per, save yourself. [Shoves M\^?> S. and^ORAU out, L.) 

Dr. F. Harriet, there isn't the slightest danger. 

Mrs. F. Dr. Fluke, why do you stand there like a 
post? Why dont you send for the police before that 
Chinaman does anything desperate ? He is crazy and so 
are you. 

Dr. F. Humph! He's drunk! 

Mrs. F. He's crazy. Mike, run for the police. 

Dr. F. Mike, stay where you are, to assist me. 

Mrs. F. What are you going to do, Henry? 

Dr. F. Going into that room. (Mrs. F. throws up 
her hands and then suddenly lays hold ^/ Dr. 's coat tails.) 
Let me alone. [Breaking loose, raps on door; Mrs F. runs 
to door L. Dr. calls "Patsy!" "Say! Chin Sum!" [Voice 
inside) "Sir." Will you let me in? [Voice answers.) 
"No." I don't want to arrest you. [Voice indistinctly.) 
I give you my word of honor. What? Yes, I'll send 
them all out. 

Mrs. F. Indeed, I wont go out and see you killed. 

Dr. F. Harriet, how could you see me killed if you 

95 



20 PATSY O WANG. 

went out. {Through door.) Yes, I'll send them ^z//. Mike 
go at once. Harriet, please go. He wont open the 
door till you all go. He is afraid we'll take him to jail. 

Mike. Sarve him good and roight, I say. 

Mrs. F. Yes he ought to be jailed for acting that 
way. [Exit yiiKY. to operating room ^ D. F.) 

Dr. F. (Z^<2r/j" Mrs. Y. out L.^ she ^ protesting^ returns 
to office door., F.) Just hand my coat through the door, 
please. [Door opens and coat is pushed through.) 

Dr. F. Now for the remedy ! [Eagerly opens letter, 
reads.) "Affectionate creature." 

Mrs. F. [Indoor L.) Stuff! 

Dr. F. Hum, "most confiding" — yes, it seems so. 
Oh, here it is. 

Mrs. F. [Entering., eagerly.) What is it? 

Dr. F. Harriet, why do you interrupt ? Oh, here it 
is! " If he ever gets under the influence of liquor he 
labors under the strange delusion that he is an Irish- 
man." 

Mrs. F. How absurd! He's crazy, I'd call the police. 

Dr. F. [Petulantly.) My dear, will you allow me? 
This is a very curious case. " The remedy is tea, plenty 
of strong /d"*^, " How very simple. (^/V/^jr<^(?//.) I'll give 
him enough tea to settle him in short order. 

Enter Norah, L. 

Norah. What is it, sor? Is he still voilent? 

Dr. F. Peaceful as a lamb ! He wants tea. 

Norah. Tay is it! Did yez iver — 

Mrs. F. As well try a pinch of salt. 

Dr. F. Don't stand there talking, Norah. Bring the 
tea at once. Plenty of it! Strong! Just throw about 
half a pound into the tin pot and fill it with hot water. 

Norah. The tin pot houlds a gallon, sor. 

Dr. F. [Impatiently.) Will you obey orders? Go! 
Run! [Exit ^ORAH grumbling, L.) 

Mrs, F. Tea! The idea! (Folloius ^^oKAnout L.) 

Dr. F. [Facing fioor, excitedly.) This is a great case. 

96 



PATSY O WANG. 2 1 

I'll write it up for the medical journals. A wonderful 
case — 

Enter Bovler, Z., angry. 

B. All humbug, sir I 

Dr. F. What's that? Oh, it's you, Mr. Boyler. 

B. At last I've found you out, Dr. Fluke! 

Dr. F. So it seems. Why bless me, if you aint cured. 
Walking without a cane! 

B. Humbug! I said. 

Dr. F. But it's a fact! 

B. You can't hoodwink me, sir. You're a charlatan ! 

Dr. F. Don't be unreasonable! 

B. Unreasonable! Oh,I <f<:7//'/stand that. (Dr. /<?z/^//j-.) 
Gad, sir, you are actually laughing at my misfortunes. 
Do you call yourself a gentleman? 

Dr. F. Cut all that! What do you complain of? 
You are cured. 

B. Confound your cure. You first maltreat me, out- 
rage my feelings and then laugh at me. 

Dr. F. When has all this happened? 

B. Every day for a month, Dr. Fluke. First you put 
a Hercules in the shape of a wild Irishman to rub me 
in the bath. He breaks every bone in my body by in- 
stallments. Then he pummels me by degrees into a jelly. 

Dr. F. Well, what did you expect, Mr. Boyler? This 
isn't a kindergarten, and your rheumatism was a very 
obstinate case. 

B. Obstinate case! Let me say, sir, you are a butcher 
and that Irishman is an executioner. To crown the in- 
dignity you set a crazy Chinaman to give me the elec- 
trical treatment. He runs a stream of liquid fire through 
my leg. 

Dr. F. Which cured you completely ! 

B. Will you let me speak, sir? When I protest, the 
heathen doubles the quantity. Why gad, sir, it was some- 
thing terrific. I saw the constellation of Orion in 
broad daylight. 

Dr. F. Ah, it is a fine machine! A beauty! 

97 



2 2 PATSY O WANG. 

B. {Laughs.) There you are wrong, for I smashed it 

to bits. 

Dr. F. {Starting.') What's that you say? My fine 
machine ruined? I'll have damages, Mr. Boyler. 

B. Damages! I shall sue you for $10,000 damages. 

Dr. F. Do it, sir, do it! It'll make my fortune. 
It will advertise the greatest cure of the age. Nothing 
like a law suit for advertising purposes. Wont you 
oblige me by breaking something else? Just upset 
those shelves, wont you? Throw my instrument case 
out of the window. 

B. I'll not do it. I wont gratify you. A gentle- 
man can find other ways of avenging an insult. And 
then there's my wig, too. 

Dr. F. Where? 

B. Where? Do you doubt my word? \Takes off hat 
and exposes shiny bald head ) Do you see that ? 

Dr. F. I see the head-piece but I don't see any wig. 

B. {Emphatically.) No, sir, you don't see any wig. 
Your crazy Chinaman snatched it off my head and ex- 
posed me to the indignity of going home barehead in 
the public street. 

Dr. F. You shouldn't go out barehead, you may 
catch cold. I'll not be responsible if you disobey orders. 

B. And whose fault would it be? 

Dr. F. Yours, of course. 

B. Why, hang your assurance, Dr. Fluke. 

Dr. F. I disapprove of your indiscretion. 

B. {Excitedly.) Fluke, I don't think I ever saw 
quite such monumental effrontery as yours. That wig 
cost me one hundred and fifty dollars, one of the very 
best make by the celebrated Toupee. 

Dr. F, Oh, we'll not haggle about trifles. I'll credit 
it on the bill for the electric machine. That cost five 
hundred dollars. 

B. {Gesticulating.) Credit it on the bill ! That's cool, 
why confound your insolence! I've a mind to cane you 
on the spot. 

98 



PATSY O WANG. 23 

Dr. F. But you can't, you see. You have no cane. 
You are cured. 

B. (WttA a roar.) Oh, this man will put me crazy if 
I stay here much longer. You'll hear from me again, 
Dr. Fluke. You are a quack. {Bolts toward door as — 
Enter Nor ah, Z., luith tray, milk jug, sugar bowl, spoons 

and plate of crackers. B. runs against her and sends things 

flying as he exits. 

Norah. Well, did yez iver see such a cyclone ! (Com- 
mences picking up things around the stage.) 

Enter Mike, Z. , carrying big tin teapot full of hot tea. 

Mike. Begorrah, it was lucky I was carryin' the tay 
pot or there'd been a Noah's flood o' tay. 
Norah. Must I get more crame, Docthor ? 
Mike. It's aisy to pick that up with a spoon. 

Mrs. F. and Miss S. appear timidly at door, Z. 

Dr. F. Bother the cream. It's the tea I want. Put 
the things on the table. Now I'll get him to come out. 

Mrs. F. Henry, do you think he'll hurt you? 

Miss S. The idea! Poor abused thing! 

Dr. F. Clear out, you women. Do you want to 
frighten him? {Exeunt Mrs. F. and Miss S.) Mike, go 
in the operating room to be ready for emergencies. 
(Mike enters D. F. and peeps out from time to time, as do 
the two ladies, Z.) Norah, you be ready to serve the tea. 
I'll drink some to make believe. Be cool, don't lose 
your head. 

Norah. {Arranging tea things.) Yis, sor, but I can't 
guarantee to kape me head if that ould cyclone blows 
in again. 

Dr. F. {Knocks at office door.) Patsy, come out 
please. It's nearly dinner time. {Voice indistinctly 
inside.) What's that? Yes, I'm all alone, that is, 
Norah is here, too. {Door opens cautiously. Patsy looks 
out, then comes out enveloped in doctor s ulster and muffled to 
the ears with doctor's neckcloth. Wig frowzed till he looks 

99 



24 PATSY O WANG. 

like a fright. As he appears^ heads at the other door dis- 
appear suddenly.^ 

Dr. F. [Starting back.) Why Patsy, are you cold? 
I feel decidedly too warm. 

Patsy. I think I took a bit o' cold in the cars, I'm 
subject to sore throat. 

Norah. {Aside.) Crazy as a June bug. 

Dr. F. Chin Sum, do you like tea? 

Patsy. My name isn't Chin Sum; just Patrick 
O'Wang, if you please. 

Dr. F. What is the O for, Patrick ? 

Patsy. The O shows that I'm a son of me father. 

Dr. F. We have tea served. Sometimes we take a 
light refreshment an hour or so before dinner. Patsy, 
do you like tea? 

Patsy. [Aside.) Tea! [With wink.) I'm onto their 
scheme. I'll take a drop, weak if you please, one lump 
of sugar. 

Dr. F. [Is at L. of table., seats himself facing front.) 
Norah, place a chair. Be seated, Patsy. You must be 
tired. 

Patsy. Your honor I couldn't sit in your presence. 
(P. is at R. of table. ) 

Dr. F. Very well, as you please. Norah, pour the 
tea. Give me a small cup. For a cold it should be 
drunk copiously. You had better take several cups, 
Patsy. 

Patsy. Very well, sir, I like tea myself. (Dr. F. 
chuckles to himself. Norah, rear of table^ hands doctor 
a small cup then a large one to Patsy. Latter has a 
large hot-water bag under his ulster with rubber tube and 
small funnel., all found in office. The collar of the ulster 
must be very high and stand well forward. The funnel is 
held by the left hand partially enveloped in a large silk hand- 
kerchief. Under pretense of coddling his throat Patsy 
keeps his left hand up under his chin to keep the funnel con- 
cealed. As he drinks he turns away to R. from the doctor, 
back to audience., pours tea down funnel. As he ha?tdi cup 

lOO 



PATSY O WANG. 25 

back to NoRAH he thrusts his left hand beneath the iilster, 
the top button of 7vhich is tcnbiittoned. Repeat with each cup. ) 

Dr. F. {^Sipping tea and nibbling a cracker.) How do 
you like the tea, Patsy? 

Patsy. {Smacking his lips.) It's capital tea, doctor. 

Dr. F. Norah, fill his cup. He wants several cups 
to break his cold. Then I'll put you to bed, Patsy, 
and give you a good sweat. 

Patsy. All right, sir. {Drinks as before.) 

Dr. F. (Aside.) It's working! Obedient already. 

Norah. Will yez have some more tay, docthor? 

Dr. F. {Impatiently.) No, fill Patsy's cup. Don't 
you see it's empty. (Patsy drinks.) How do you feel 
now ? 

Patsy. Better already, doctor. 

Dr. F. Have another! There's nothing like tea. 
Why, it will cure every ill that flesh is heir to. Norah, 
fill his cup. 

Norah. I'm pourin' as fast as I can, sir. What a 
dale o' tea he do hold. 

Patsy. {Handing back cup.) Very nice tea, Norah. 

Norah. I could do a dale betther with plenty o' 
tay and more time. 

Dr. F. Norah, why don't you fill his cup instead of 
talking. {During this drinking the people at the door 
enter and look on with increasing astonishment. ) How do 
you feel now. Patsy ? 

Patsy. Much better, sir. 

Dr. F. Head clearer? 

Patsy. Well, it's not as thick as putty an' it's not 
as clear as a June mornin'. 

Dr. F. Try a few more cups, keep it up. Norah, 
don't you see his cup is empty. Pour him another. 

Norah. The mon'll explode purty soon a drinkin'. 
He's swellin' already. {Patsy takes cup.) 

Dr. F. Hold your tongue. The charm's working 
finely. 

Norah. Faith it's time, the tay pot's impty. 

lOI 



26 PATSY O'WANG. 

Dr. F. i^Jmjipimg up surpjHsed.') Empty! Why girl 
it holds a gallon! 

NoRAH. An' he's drunk it all. The poor bye must 
have the stomach of an osterich or a dodo. 

Dr. F. Patsy, do you mean to say that you have 
drank a gallon of tea? 

Patsy. Faith, I think it's nearer a barrel. 

Dr. F. And how do you feel ? 

Patsy. Like an irrigation canal ! {DmHng these last 
speeches yii^s. F., Miss S. a?id Mik^. gather 7'oinid back of 
table ^ L.) 

Mrs. F. Doctor Fluke, you'll kill that man with 
your experiments. 

Miss S. Poor dear man! 

Dr. F. Silence, ladies. This is a most extraordinary 
case! (Patsy stands perfectly still, facing them, left hand 
to throat as before. Doctor takes him by the shoulder and 
turns him round. P. does not resist but makes a very wry 
face.) A remarkable case. Why, I've hypnotized him. 

Mike. Begob, I think he's paralyzed! 

Mrs, F. What makes the horrid creature act so ? 
He's got a wild look. (Patsy rolls his eyes. Women 
retreat toivard door. ) 

Norah. I think he's drownin', I do. 

Dr. F. [Severely.) Patsy, why don't you speak, 
what ails you ? 

Patsy. A bit o' queerness here. [Rubs sto??mch with 
7-ight hand. ) 

Dr. F. How's your head? 

Patsy. Me head's all right. It's me stomach. 

Dr. F. Do you still imagine you are an Irishman? 

Patsy. I am, sir, Irish to the bone. i^Leans forward 
as if pain in stomach. Rubs stomach with right hand and 
squirms. All this time he has been holding his throat with 
left hand and concealing the funnel. ) 

Mrs. F. Says he's Irish. He's crazy, Henry. I 
told you so. He'll murder us all. {Movemeiit of all but 
doctor toivard doors as before. ) 

102 



PATSY O WANG. 27 

NoRAH. I give notice, Mrs. Fluke. I'll not live in 
the house with a crazy mon. 

Mike, Nayther will I, I give up me job. It will 
be hurtin' the profession to mix with loonytics an' 
Chinese. 

Dr. F. {^Irritated.') Hold your tongue, Mike. This 
is a most extraordinary case! 

Mike. Indade it is! First he's a haythen Chinee. 
Then he takes a drop too much an' goes wild an' pulls 
the clothes aff other peopleand says he's an Irishman, 
bad luck to him. Another dram'll turn him into a Dago, 
I belave. I quits to-day, doctor. (During this tii?ie 
Patsy's uneasiness is increasing; finally he begins to prance 
round. Movement toiuard doors as before. ) 

Dr. F. Where is your pain, Patsy? 

Patsy. [Groans.) Me stomach feels all queer like. 

Dr. F. [Puts hand on P. 's stomachy starts.) And no 
wonder. Why, it's hot as fire! And distended like a 
balloon ! 

Mike. {Nods to ladies .,with wise look.) He's dishtended! 

Dr. F. Mike, get the stomach pump in the office. 
Norah, a basin, quick! (Mike r tens for pump. Patsy 
makes for door., L. Ladies scream and disappear.) 

Patsy. Faith, I'm on fire! 

Dr. F. [Seizes him.) We'll fix you in a minute. 

Patsy. Aye, doctor, you've fixed me already. 

Dr. Y . [Holding to Patsy who struggles toward door 
L.) Quick, Mike! {Miyly. reappears with pump.) 

Patsy. You'll never put that thing down my throat. 
[Reneivs attempt to escape. Fluke grabs at his throat and 
catches rubber tube. Ulster comes open. Pulls out bag of 
hot water and all gaze in astonishment. ) 

Mike. By the powers, you've pulled the sthomick 
clane out av' 'im. [Pause.) Is that what it looks like? 
I niver seed one before. 

Mrs. F. [Indoor.) Oh horrors! 

Mike. Hadn't yez better put it back, docthor? He 
may nade it. 

103 



28 PATSY O'VVANG. 

Dr. F. [Is so astonished that he holds the bag by the 
tube for a few seconds, Df^ops it in disgust.) What does 
this mean, you rascal ? 

Patsy. [Determinedly.) It means you can't fill me 
up with tea and turn me back into a Chinaman. They 
did that trick in Hong Kong! 

Dr. F. [Crossly. ) What are you now ? Irish or 
Chinese? 

Patsy. Irish forever. 

Mrss S. [Sentimentally.) Dear me! I'm so disap- 
pointed. I did hope we had got a real Chinaman. 

Dr. F. But confound you man, I hired you for a 
Chinaman. A bargain's a bargain. 

Patsy, That bargain is off. 

Mike. [Throivs down pump.) Then I'm aff, too. Two 
Irishman in wan house is wan too many. 

Patsy. Keep your place, Mike, I can do better. 
[All dress stage ^ women Z. , men R.) I'm in America 
now, the land of opportunities. I'm goin' into politics. 
Me ambition is to be an alderman and die beloved and 
respected by all. 

Mike. Begorrah, the ambition of it! 

Dr. F. Very well. Patsy. Since you are going to 
have influence let us part friends. [They shake hands.) 

Mike. Inflooence! Faith, I'll niver vote a shplit 
ticket, half Irish half Chinay. 

Dr. F. Patsy, you have had a strange history. 

Patsy. I'll recount it if you please, doctor. 

"Patsy O'Wang," Song. Air ''Pat M alloy.'' 

Me father was a Hooligan, me mother was Chinay 
And I was born in Hong Kong town ten thousand miles away. 
. Me father was a sojer in the tenth artilleree, 
He took me to the barracks there in Hong Kong by the sea. 
Me christian name was Patsy and O'Wang me name Chinay; 
An' while they all took toddy I drank nothin' but green tay. 
One day I brewed the punch meself an' then I tried the same: 
Hooray! it touched a vital spot, it lit the Irish flame. 

104 

t 



PATSY O WANG. 29" 

True son of ould Hibernia, I struck for higher pay, 

I swung it like a gentleman, I drank no more green tay. 

But all good luck must have an end, there comes adversitee, 

They sent us to Ameriky ten thousand miles by sea. 

We sailed and sailed the ragin' main forever and a day, 

The boundin' ocean made us sick, they dosed us with green tay. 

For twenty hours or more I lay, that poison did me rack: 

I rose a haythen Chinaman, a queue hung down me back. 

Me almond eyes were set askew, me queue twirled round me pate, 

They called me Chin, I made the duff and boiled the Captain's mate. 

A fool for luck the proverb says, a fool O'Wang must be, 

For now I'm turned true Irishman, bad cess to all Chinee, 

And in this free Ameriky I'll have a word to say 

I'm goin' into politics, I'll drink no more green tay. 

And for the moral of this tale I'm sure it's very plain: 

When tipple stirs your blood too much, you'd better just abstain. 

R. L. 

Mike, Dr. F., Patsy., Mrs. F., Miss S., Norah. 

Curtain. 



105 



REJECTED 



OR 



THE TRIBULATIONS OF AUTHORSHIP 

A FARCE 

By T. S. DENISON 

Author of ''Odds imth the Eftemy'' ''Initiating a Granger," "Wanted, a 
Correspondent,"" "A Family Strike,"" "Seth Greenback,"" "Louva, the Pauper,'' 
"Hatis Von Sjnash," "Bor^rowittg Trouble,"" "Two Ghosts in White,"" "The 
Pull-Back'' "Country Justice," "The Assessor," "The Sparkling Cup," 
"Our Country," "Irish Linen Peddler," "The School Ma' am," "Kansas 
Immigrants," "An Only Daughter," "Too Much of a Good Thing,"" 
" Under the Laurels," "Hard Cider," "The Danger Signal," "Wide 
Enough for Tivo," "Pets of Society," "Is the Editor In?" "The 
New Woman," "Patsy O" Wang." "Rejected," "Only Cold Tea," 
"Madam Fs Beauty Parlors," "Topfs Twins," "A First- 
Class Hotel,"''' "It's all in the Pay-Streak," "The Cob- 
bler," "A Dude in a Cyclone," "Friday Dialogues." 

Also the A^o7'els, 

**The Man Behind/' "An Iron Crown," etc. 



CHICAGO: 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street. 



2 REJECTED. 

REJECTED. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Greathead, of Greathead & Wright, Publishers. 

Mr. Powers, a tired "reader" for G. & W. 

Mr. Arthur Welby, a turned-down author. 

Mr. Ralph Hyde-Arlington, a poet. Author of "The 

Dead Canary," and other poems. 
Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd, a society novelist. 
Susan Ann Brown, author of "Winds that Sough in 

the Night." 
Miss Bodman, stenographer for G. 8i W. 
William, office boy. 



Ti/ne of playing^ forty minutes. 



Hints on Costumes and Playing. 

Mr. Greathead, dignified business man, very natty 
business suit, silk tile, etc. Powers, plainly dressed, 
tired, soured man, but not boorish or coarse in any 
respect. Welby, rustic manners and dress but rather 
presentable. Hyde-Arlington, should be unusual, either 
very tall and ungainly or very stout and prosy looking, 
hair badly mussed, linen soiled, some buttons missing 
from coat, shoes with very best shine to contrast with 
seedy appearance. Droll and good natured. Mrs. Fadd, 
in latest style of street dress, jewels; puts on airs. 
Susan Ann Brown, plainly but well dressed, brusque, 
business like, decisive character. Miss Bodman, neat 
dress, suitable for office. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage C , center; R. C, 
right center; Z., left; i E.^ first entrance; U. E., 
upper entrance, etc. ; D. F.^ door in flat or back of the 
stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON. 

loS 



REJECTED. 




Door 



Book Shelves O 

y\ Chair 

//Miss B'sdesk 

P's desk r\ 
Door D^or 

1 



109 



REJECTED. 



Scene — Office of Grea^thead & Wright, Publishers. 
Discovered as curtain rises. Mr. Powers a '^reader ' at 
desk Z. , and Miss Bodman, stenographer^ working 
writing machine R. P. has large pile of MSS. before 
hlni. Me moves nervously and knocks off leaves that scatter 
round floor. Rises impatiently. 

Powers. [Talking to himself aloud.) This is simply 
killing. It would wear out a cast-iron man. [Com- 
mences picking up sheets.) 

Miss B. [Glancing round.) He's in a bad humor this 
morning. Some poor author will suffer for it. [To P.) 
Found anything good, Mr. Powers? 

Powers. Such books! Such inanity. Are all the 
fools in the country turning authors? 

Miss B. [Laughing.) Why, Mr. Powers, you forget 
you are an author yourself. 

P. No, Miss Bodman, I do not forget it. Here I 
am, a man of genius, capable of winning the admiration 
of two hemispheres, who has in fact surprised the civil- 
ized world already, compelled to earn my bread by 
delving among the rubbish of a literary muck-heap. 

Miss B. Why don't you quit that and let your own 
genius loose? 

P. Humph! A book like my "Countess Margo, or 
A Romance of two Castles," has no chance of winning 
in this money-grubbing day. People don't know 
poetry, romance, pathos, and sympathy when they see 
it. Genius is extinguished amid the meretricious glit- 
terings of fad literature. 

Miss B. Fie, Mr. Powers, I really believe you are 
jealous of Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd, whose last novel 
"Sweet Jingles Jangled" set everybody wild. 

Ill 



6 REJECTED. 

P. Miss Bodman, I hope I shall never be guilty of 
jealousy of Mrs. Fadd. Why, my book, "A Romance of 
Two Castles," is a prose idyl. It is as different from 
Mrs. Fadd's "Sweet Jingles Jangled" as Confucius is 
different from Brigham Young: 

Miss B. Oh, what a comparison! I do admire your 
command of language! 

P. Ah, thank you. You are a woman of apprecia- 
tion, but the world — bah the world — (^Puts MSS. back on 
table. ) 

Miss B. What have you found there to cross you ?' 

P. What have I found? The same old thing — rub- 
bish from the four quarters of the earth ; drivel, nine 
tenths of it absolute, unqualified idiocy. 

Miss B. Why, Mr. Powers, you are unusually sarcas- 
tic to-day. 

P. Haven't I cause? Here I, the author of "A Ro- 
mance of Two Castles," am expected to read for Great 
head & Wright, publishers, from two to five books per 
day — and oh such stuff. I'm expected to decide the 
fate of a book, subject to the final decision of Mr. 
Greathead. And I get a scoring if I reject a book that 
afterward succeeds with some other publisher. 

Miss B. For instance. Gen. Radwell's great book. 

P. Miss Bodman, that isn't a pleasant subject. How 
should I know that Gen. Radwell's book would be the 
greatest hit for a half century? Mr. Greathead stormed, 
and I believe if it hadn't been for Mr. Wright I should 
not to-day be delving in this mountain of verbiage 
as confidential reader and literary adviser for the great 
publishing house of Greathead & Wright. {Slams down 
MSS. on table beside Miss B.'s desk, R. Rings bell.) I'll 
tell Figgs to return that, it is all rot! 

Miss B. Why, Mr. Powers, you are positively using 
slang! 

P. I beg pardon, Miss Bodman, but I just couldn't 
help it this time. // is rot. 

Miss B. Why, whose book is it? 

P. It's another interminable manuscript from Arthur 
Welby. That man is a menace to society. He ought 

112 



REJECTED. 7 

to be incarcerated. He keeps several novels on the go 
all the time. They have been rejected by every pub- 
lisher on the continent, I believe. He calls himself an 
author. 

Miss B. But pardon me. He has published one 

book. 

P. Oh yes, a book's a book although there's noth- 
ing in it. 

Miss B. But there is something in that one. It made 
me weep. 

P. Yes, and it made his publisher weep too. Had 
to sell it for old paper at one cent a pound. (Rings bell 
again.') Where on earth is that boy! 

Miss B. Well, I don't care, I liked Welby's book. 

P. Oh, some people will like anything. (Miss B. 
stares.) I mean, some sloppy critic called Welby the 
American Dumas and that ruined him. Instead of 
making his books smooth and — 

Miss. B. And stupid! 

P. No, in good form, flowing and soothing, he 
crams them full of stirring scenes in imitation of the 
old school. If I had to bring out Dumas with his sensa- 
tionalism, and Dickens with his exaggerations — well 
they wouldn't be brought out, that's certain. {Jabs bell 
viciously.) Where is that boy ? Asleep again I suppose. 

Enter office boy, R. 

P. Here William, tell Figgs to return this manu- 
script by express, author's expense. 

W. Yes, sir! 

P. Welby's postage bills will ruin him. William, 
muss it a little, so he'll think it has been read. 
Be careful now. You got chewing gum between the 
sheets of one book and the author wrote to Mr. Great- 
head about it. 

W. Will a few thumb prints do? 

P. Goodness, no! / don't thumb print my books. 

W. Mr. Snap does. 

P. Snap! The magazine and the book departments 
are managed differently. Turn up a corner here and 

113 



8 REJECTED. 

there and displace a sheet occasionally so that when 
wrapped they will crease. Tell Figgs about that. {Boy 
fumbling with MSS. knocks it off table and the sheets fiy in 
every direction. In attempting to catch MSS. he overtitrns 
the dish of water iLsed with letter press and it rolls on floor 
wetting some of sheets. ) 

Miss. B. [Spri?tging aside.) Good gracious, William ! 

P. Just like a boy! A boy's an animal! You've 
made a pretty mess of things. 

W. I'm only mussin' it, sir. (They gather tp MSS., 
Miss. B. wiping water from skirts.) 

P. Some of it is wet, it must be carefully dried. 

Miss. B. I'm afraid it'll blur badly. 

P. Well, he at least cannot complain that it has 
never been opened. One author actually had the au- 
dacity to write that his book had never been opened. 

MissB. Had it? 

P. I believe not. That joke was on Snap. They 
botch things in the magazine department. I am careful 
to open everything. No need to read it. 

Miss B. How do you decide on the merits without 
reading? 

P. Easy enough. There is a sort of recognized 
literary clique. If a book has the countersign it is 
read ; if it comes from an outsider it is returned at once 
with thanks, etc. Greathead & Wright, in fact all pub- 
lishers, seek people with a reputation. 

Miss B. Dear me, how does an outsider get in then ? 

P. He doesn't get in. 

Miss B. But how can an author get a reputation till 
he has published a book ? 

P. That's his affair. He can't surely expect to pub- 
lish till he has the reputation. 

Enter Susan Ann Brown, R. Her manner is brusque in 
this scene and she talks down all opposition, 

Susan. Is this the office of Greathead & Wright, 
Publishers? 

P. (Bowing, comes down C) It is. What can I do 
for you, madam ? 

114 



REJECTED. 9 

Susan, Mr. Greathead in? 

P. Your name? 

Susan. Susan Ann Brown. Is Mr. Greathead in? 

P. Not at present, it's a little early. 

Susan. Wright in ? 

P. {Astonished at her manner.) He is out of the city, 
madam. Can't I do something for you ? Your business? 

Susan. ( With air of contempt for his position, ) I don't 
think you can. I called on very important business! 

P. I am here to attend to business! 

Susan. I can't talk to clerks! I want to see one of 
the firm. 

P. If it is an order for books, the counting room is 
just across the hall. 

Susan. {With toss of head.) It isn't an order. lam 
an author. Have a novel, "Winds that Sough in the 
Night," i,ioo pages. 

P. Madam, it is my business to take charge of manu- 
scripts. I — 

Susan. {Emphatically.) No, you don't. I've heard 
of your ways. Nobody but the firm will read my book. 

P. But that is impossible. Our plan — 

Susan. Is to give manuscripts to some clerk to be 
fumbled over. As if a ten dollar clerk was the arbiter 
of literature; or may be you send it out to some society 
woman whose husband has failed in business, as if that 
had fitted her to decide anything. 

P. But madam, if you will allow me, we consider 
our readers competent. 

Susan. And / think {talks fast and emphatically but 
distinctly) an author knows something about a book 
too, after toiling at it for months. Humph, do you 
suppose I've been living so long for nothing and writ- 
ing all my life, too? Your plan, indeed! My book 
"Winds that Sough in the Night" dealswith Theosophy. 
You would give that to some man who thinks Theoso- 
phy all a humbug. He'd laugh at it and I'd be out my 
postage. If my book was an expose of Theosophy, you 
would give it to some man who believed in the thing 
and he'd turn it down for spite. Author out again — 
say, when'll Greathead be in? 

115 



lO REJECTED. 

P. I should say inside half an hour. 

Susan. Which had I better see, Mr. Greathead or 
Mr. Wright? 

P. {Resignedly.) Either will do. 

Susan. Then I'll see Greathead first. 

P. Have you a letter of introduction, madam ? 

Susan. Don't need any. I introduce myself. If 
Greathead doesn't come around to my views I'll see 
Wright, If he is not convinced, I'll get the two to- 
gether and tell 'em what they are missing if they reject 
my novel. Why, it is equal to Uncle Tom's Cabin and 
it is longer than "Robert El Smere. " 

P. {Getting impatient.) Miss Brown, excuse me, lam 
very busy, will you leave a card ? 

Susan. No, I'll be back in half an hour. 

P. But what shall I say? 

Susan. Nothing. I'll do the talking. I was a book 
agent for five years. 

P. Oh ! 

Susan. And I've been in New York before! Don't 
forget that. And I've sold Greathead's books. I guess 
I'm not afraid of him. {Exit^ R.) 

Miss B. {Drawing long breath.) Did you ever! 

P. Regular cyclone! Electric motor, quick 
action. 

Miss B. What will Mr. Greathead say to her? 

P. Trust him. He was a life insurance agent before 
he was a publisher. 

EnvTer Mr. Greathead, R. 

Mr. G. Good morning. Powers. Good morning, 
Miss Bodman. 

TVT ' -r, !- Good morninsf, Mr. Greathead. 
Miss B. ) ^' 

Mr. G. Mr. Powers, has the printer sent over press 
proofs of Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd's novel "Miss Ducie's 
Mistake?" 

P. They are on your desk, sir. 

Mr. G. {Going toward private office, D. F.) Mr. Pow- 
ers, if that man Welby calls, positively, I can not see 

ii6 



REJECTED. II 

him. I suspect he is after me. It is in very bad taste 
the way he is hounding publishers. 

P. Very, sir. I understand that Mr. Scooper of 
Scooper & Puff came pretty near ejecting him from 
their office yesterday. 

Mr. G. That would do for Scooper & Puff but not 
for Greathead & Wright. We aim to treat all authors 
with the utmost courtesy. It is business, you see 

P. Exactly, I'll attend to him. I have already 
examined his book. 

Mr. G. What, already? It was only left late last 
evening you know. 

P. I did not read it all. Same old thing. Harrow- 
ing scenes, sensational and low types of people. 

Mr. G. There's something in Welby. I confess his 
books interest me. 

P. Yes, he persists in following the old style and 
strives to make his books interesting instead of easy, 
polished, soothing. In short, he wholly ignores good 
form. 

Mr. G. I had hopes for him once. 

P. I had none. He insists in crowding his books 
with incidents. Admires Dumas. 

P. Just so, a hopeless case! {^Exit G., D. F.) 

P. Now, Miss Bodman, let me dictate the letters to 
Welby and Ralph Hyde-Arlington. I'd send the printed 
form: "We have carefully read your valuable MS. 
and beg to say that our reader does not advise us to 
undertake its publication, etc. Thanks for esteemed 
favor," etc. 

Miss B. And all that, taffy rejection of a MS. does 
not imply literary deficiency, etc. 

P. I'd give that to all of them straight, but appar- 
ently Mr. Greathead has promised these two pretenders 
that their MSS. shall have special attention. I think 
Welby's got it, too. {Laughs.) 

Miss B. Mr. Welby would like a line as to the reason 
his MS. is found unavailable, in case it is returned. 
Poor man ! he seemed to have a presentiment of refusal. 

P. Yes, apparently that is the only sane point left 

117 



12 RFJECTED. 

in Welby. He has presentiments. He knows he is 
going to get it in the neck. 

Miss B. Really, Mr. Powers, your language is shock- 
ing to-day. 

P. I can't help it. Just think! In the last three 
days some score of rejected authors have been insisting 
on reasons, and I can't give reasons. Mr. Greathead 
has forbidden it. 

Miss B. But don't you think an author is entitled 
to some consideration where his own hard labor is con- 
cerned ? 

P. Great Scott! If I tried to satisfy them all I'd be 
in an insane asylum before a month. They manage 
that better in the magazine department. Mr. Wright 
is a man of business. He has given orders to stop all 
authors in the vestibule, take their books away from 
them and show them out. 

Enter Y^ iiu\.\ am ^R.^carjying enormous armful of M SS. 
in packages and envelopes. Some fall to floor. Puts them 
on P. 's desk. A roll remains on floor. 

P. {Groans.) Look at that pile, one mail! 

William. [Aside.) That'll make the old man sweat. 
[Starts out and stu?nbles over roll., falls sprawling. ) 

P. Look at your carelessness! Pick that up. The 
dunce has rolled it. The magazine department refuses 
to look at anything that is rolled. But I am a drudge. 
I have to do it. Greathead is too easy. 

Miss B. But our letters, Mr. Powers, — 

P. (Groans.) I'll make them short. {Dictates.) ''^x. 
Arthur Welby, Mount Hope, 111. — You had better move 
to mount Despair — 

Miss B. Do I take all that? 

P. No, of course not. I'm talking now. 

Miss B. I see. 

P. There are precious few authors anywhere in 
America, and as for the West and especially Chicago — 
pah ! 

Miss B I suppose the best can come only from Eu- 
rope. 

ii8 



REJECTED. 13 

P. Decidedly. 

Miss B. America was not big enough to produce 
"A Romance of Two Castles." 

P. Miss Bodman, sarcasm is wasted in this office. 
If you do not like my book — once is sufficient to tell 
me. {Spitefully.) Of course, if you like Arthur Welby's 
novel, "The Man from Mattoon," you couldn't like 
mine. Go on please, you have the address. 

Miss B. {Tartly.) I'm waiting to go on. {Reads.) 
"Mr. Arthur Welby, Mt. Hope, 111." 

P. Dear Sir — We have read carefully the MSS. of 
your very interesting story — 

Miss B. What a fib! 

P. Miss Bodman, you will please not interrupt — 
" The Governor's Daughter." We regret that it is not 
exactly suited to our present needs. Thanking you for 
the opportunity of reading your very original book we 
-are, Very respectfully, Greathead & Wright. Now for 
that irrepressible poet, Mr. Ralph Hyde-Arlington. 

Miss B. I hope you are not going to reject him. 

P. I should say rather. Why not? 

Miss B. Some of his poems are just lovely. 

P. Stuff! Nothing but jingle! 

Miss B. Quite the contrary. His "Lines to a Dead 
Canary" are full of pathos and sentiment. 

P. Well, I admit that Hyde-Arlington's lines have a 
certain go about them suited to these times when ideas 
are superfluous in literature. 

Miss B. {With sentiment.) What is your ideal of him, 
Mr. Powers. 

P. Hum, I have no time to form ideals. 

Miss B. His name is quite romantic, Ralph Hyde- 
Arlington. 

P. Yes, it looks well on a title page. 

Miss B. I think he must be tall and handsome, with 
dreamy eyes and dark curling locks. His sentiment is 
so tender. He must be an Apollo. 

P. Possibly. I hope we shan't have to verify that. 
He's in the city now. 

Miss B. I hope he'll call. 

119 



14 REJECTED. 

P. {^Emphatically.) I hope he will not. You know I 
dread the sight of an author as I dread small pox. Now 
for his letter. 

Enter William, suddenly^ R. 

William. Mr. Welb5^'s here again. He's kind 'o 
excited. (P. jumps up. Tlwusts W. ' s letter into boy' s hand. ) 

P. Mail that immediately, William. {To Miss B.) 
Tell Welby we've written. Say anything. Get rid of 
him. {Exit hastily., L.) 

Enter Welby, E. 

W. I beg pardon, Miss, I just called to say that I'll 
be in town three or four days yet. My address is Fifth 
Avenue Hotel. 

Miss B. Yes, sir, I'll note that. 

W. {Hesitating.) My book was to have immediate 
attention. I suppose it is in hand to-day. {Boy at door 
giHns., holds letter., Miss B. nods to him.) 

Miss B. I think that it is — that is — oh, I remem- 
ber. The house has written you. 

W. {Excitedly.) Oh, so soon. Then they must want 
an interview. In that case I am at their service. I'll 
wait now. 

Miss B. {Perplexed?) Oh, no — I meant {winks at W. 
again) that is you had better see the letter. 

Enter Ralph, R. 

Ralph. Is this the office of Greathead & Wright, 
Publishers? 

Miss B. Yes, sir, the counting room is just across 
the hall. 

Ralph. The counting room is not what I want. I 
seek an interview with the firm. 

Miss B. That is impossible. Mr. Wright has gone 
to Boston and Mr. Greathead has been very busy of 
late with authors. 

Ralph. Then Greathead is my man, I am an author. 

Miss B. {Surprised.) In that case I'll leave your 
card on his desk, 

1 20 



REJECTED. 15 

Ralph. I have no card. Poets can't afford cards. 
Just say Ralph Hyde-Arlington. 

Miss B. [Starts, drops note book.) Oh! You are Mr. 
Ralph Hyde-Arlington! 

Ralph. [Bo%ving.) I am, Miss, at your service, 
Ralph Hyde-Arlington, author of "The Dead Canary 
and Other Poems" 

Welby. (Picking up note book.) Allow me, miss! 

Miss B. Goodness me! 

Welby. Are you ill, MissBodman? 

Miss B. No, thank you ! Just a momentary dizziness. 

Ralph. How my appearance affects her! [Looks 
proud. ) 

Miss B. It's gone now. Allow^me Mr. Arthur Welby, 
novelist, to introduce Mr. Ralph Hyde-Arlington, poet. 
( They shake hands down C. ) 

'. Welby. Ah! this is a pleasure, Mr. Hyde- Arlington. 
My wife likes the "Dead Canary" very much. 

Ralph. (Bowing.) Thank you! Thank you! 

Welby. In fact it is her favorite poem. By the 
way, of course you've read my novel, " The Man from 
Mattoon." 

Ralph. (Confused.) No, I haven't. I am reserving 
that pleasure. It is inexcusable of me to have put off so 
long, for it is a work of genius. (W. Bows.) But you 
see I'm a poor man and poetry doesn't pay. We've 
quite a family too — nine children now. 

MissB. (Exclaiining suddenly.) Oh, goodness — I beg 
pardon, gentlemen. (Goes up to her type-ivjHting machine.) 

W. Really, I fear she is ill. 

Ralph. (Aside to W.) It is our presence that affects 
her. 

W. (Starting.) No. 

Ralph. Sure! 

W. (To Miss B.) Do you feel better? 

Miss B. I am all right now, thank you. (Rings bell.) 
Gentlemen, I'll have you shown to the reception room 
where you can converse undisturbed. 

W. (To Ralph.) I'll send you a copy of, " The 
Man from Mattoon." 

121 



l6 REJECTED. 

Ralph. Thanks, I'll send you a "Dead Canary," 

Enter William, -/?. 

Miss. B. William, show these gentlemen into recep- 
tion room. And ask Mr. Robinson the bookkeeper, to 
step here a moment. {Exeunt^ R.) Well, I never! That 
man the poet, Ralph Hyde-Arlington. He looks like 
a junk dealer, and married and nine children ! Horrors ! 
I thought Lollie June Tibbie must be a willowy school 
girl, but she proves to be forty and weighs i8o. Oh, 
the surprises of literature! Arlington's face would 
stop a clock. 

Re-enter William, R. 

William. Robinson says he just wont take any 
more poets out to lunch. 

Miss B. Why ? 

William. He went out with four yesterday, an' to- 
day he's nearly dead with dyspepsy, or whatever ye call 
it. 

Miss B. Let the firm pay his doctor bill. I'm not 
here to get rid of people. 

William. He's been takin' pepsicum all day an' says 
he just wont do it fur nobody. {^Exit W., R.^ 

Enter Mr. G. and P. jrorii D. F. 

P. {Anxiously?) Have they gone ? 

Miss B. No, they are in the reception room. 

Mr. G. Powers, I'll leave it to you. I simply can't 
see Mr. Welby again. This is the fifth time we have 
turned him down. 

P. Miss Bodman has mailed him a letter, and — by the 
way, where did you send that letter? 

Miss B. Why to the Fifth Avenue hotel of course. 

P. Oh, reckless young woman ! now you have done 
it. He'll get that letter and be back here in fifteen 
minutes, ^dCd'Cxx^g reasons. The letter should have gone 
to Mount Despair, Illinois. 

Miss B. You mean Mount Hope. 

P. Yes, of course, Why didn't you send it to Mount, 
Hope ? 

122 



REJECTED. 17 

Miss B. Because you gave me his card with Fifth 
Avenue Hotel address. 

Mr. G. We'll have the bookkeeper take him to 
lunch. 

Miss B. Robinson refuses. Says he is already dying 
of indigestion. 

Mr. G. Then it devolves on you, Powers. 

P. Mr. Greathead, I have heart trouble. Send for 
Snap. 

Mr. G. [Lai/g/is.) I'll put both of them in on Snap. 
That'll be a good joke, eh Powers? 

P. Oh very funny, sir. Snap played me that trick 
once. 

Mr. G. By the way, Miss Bodman, you had better 
take your lunch. 

Miss B. Yes, sir. {Exit B. R.) 

Mr. G. Powers, what do you think of Mr. Wilbur 
B. Chapter-Chapter's new novel ? 

P. What can you expect from Chicago? 

Mr. G. But Chicago has her 400 now. 

P. They 'think they have. 

Mr. G. That amounts to the same thing. They will 
buy Mr. Chapter-Chapter's book solely because he is 
in the 400. • 

P. Then you will sell it chiefly on the binding? 

Mr. G. Certainly! The most successful books now- 
adays owe part of their success to the binder, just as 
the stage carpenter builds a play. 

P. I think you are right, they have plenty of money 
in Chicago — and pork. 

Mr. G. Powers,you are prejudiced against the West. 
We must cater to them. 

P. Very well, sir. Chapter-Chapter's book is good 
enough for a caterer. There's nothing in it. 

Mr. G. That makes no difference. Ideas make 
literature but paper will make books. 

P. And it lacks the smooth, gum drop style of 
Mrs. Fadd's "Sweet Jingles Jangled." 

Mr. G. {Lat/g/is.) Gum-drops! Powers, you are 
rather severe on Mrs. Fadd. We can't expect to equal 

123 



iS REJECTED. 

her great book more than once in a decade. The only 
point to be considered is this: Is Chapter-Chapter's 
book in good form? 

P. Oh, the best. Why, he led the ball given in 
honor of Princess Eulalia. 

Mr. G. That fact alone is a capital start. We'll 
state it in the preface. 

P. And he dedicated the Joss House erected by the 
Century Club to the adoration of the "Heavenly 
Twins. " 

Mr. G. Enough! We will publish Chapter-Chapter's 
book. 

P. We should have it endorsed by the Supreme 
Council of the New York Pow Wow. 

Mr. G. That is very easy. The secretary will write 
us a "Letter." 

Enter William, 7?. 

William. Mr. Greathead, Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd 
has called. 

Mr. G. {Pleased.') Show her in, William. Powers, 
do your best. She likes compliment and she's the 
greatest writer of the time. 

P. You mean seller., Mr. Greathead. • 

Mr. G. Yes, yes, but do try to worship her a little, 
business you know. 

Enter Mrs. Fadd, R. 

Mr. G. {Effusively.) My dear Mrs. Fadd, this is 
indeed a pleasure. {Places chair., C.) 

P. {Bowing.) Yes, unfortunately we see so little of 
authors, those wonderful people who make the world 
laugh or weep at their will. 

Mr. G. {Tapping Y.^s shoulder.) Very neat ! I couldn't 
have said it so well. 

Mrs. F. {Droppijig in chair.) You are very kind 
gentlemen. But I'm here on business. How are the 
books selling? 

Mr. G. The success of your book is simply phenom- 
enal. The sales of "Sweet Jingles Jangled" marks 

124 



REJECTED. 19 

an era in the book business. Presses running day and 
night. The name of Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd is on every 
tongue, club talk, society talk, street car talk — why I 
overheard one newsboy ask another: Tim wot the dick- 
ens did that Mrs. Upperdyke Fadd do?" {AlUaug/i.) 

Mrs. F. Yes, they do talk about me. [Laughs.) 
Penalty of fame! And I am bored to death with letters 
from everywhereoneartli about goodness knows what all, 
but mostly wantingsubscriptions to something or other. 

Mr. G. The penalty of greatness, madam! 

Mrs. F. The only thing that I shall really push, 
however, is the new Infirmary for Superannuated Lap- 
dogs. One must concentrate nowadays. They've made 
me a director in that. Mrs. Wilton Schuyler Vander- 
zumboom is president. It is an enterprise undertaken 
exclusively by the most fashionable society. They are 
breaking their necks in the scramble to get in. 

P. Who, the lap-dogs? 

Mrs. F. Oh dear, no, the ladies. How absurd! 

Mr. G. That's only a little joke of Powers'. [Gives 
P. a warning look.^ It is a most commendable thing — 

Mrs. F. Apparently the day is past when a jest has 
any relation to a witticism. 

Mr. G. No, no, you will have your joke too, Mrs, 
Fadd. I mean the hospital. 

Mrs. F. I7ifirmary^ Mr. Greathead ! One is expected 
to do something and there are so many causes worthy 
of help. I hesitated between the Humane Society and 
the Infirmary for Superannuated Lap-dogs. Then I 
thought I'd better limit myself. 

Mr. G. By the way, Mrs. Fadd, I hope you won't 
let anything interfere with your contract with Great- 
head & AVright. Two novels per month, you know, is 
the agreement. 

Mrs. F. Pshaw! I could make it four, I really 
believe, I write so very easily. 

Mr. G. By the way, Mr. Powers, that reminds me 
that we ought to have Mrs. Fadd interviewed again. 
She hasn't been interviewed for nearly a month. Sup- 
pose we do it now and send slips to the papers at once. 

125 



20 REJECTED. 

P. Miss Bodman is not here. 

Mr. G. Couldn't you manage to take it? 

P. Possibly, yes. [Gets writing pad and seats himself 
at desk. ) 

Mr. G. The public is very much interested in celeb- 
rities just now. Napoleon you know, and Pillby. The 
politician held sway a long time but now the other 
people are falling into line. When the public hears of 
success, they want to know all about its possessor. The 
public idolize success. Now the papers are publishing 
portraits of dashing Board of Trade men, brilliant, 
brainy pork-packers, solid real estate men, smooth oil 
refiners, expansive gas operators. 

P. I have seen a write-up of a philanthropic oper- 
ator in fire sales, ten-cent counter goods, etc. ; made his 
million of course. This is a progressive age. 

Mr. G. Now, Mrs. Fadd, be kind enough to answer: 

Q. What kind of paper do you write on? 

A. Cream laid, note size. 

P. Jersey cream ? 

Mr. G. Powers, you are getting so absent-minded. 
This is an interview of a literary celebrity. 

Q. What sort of chair do you sit in? 

A. Cane-bottomed. 

Q. Straight back or curved? 

A. Slightly curved. 

Q. You write easily? 

A. Oh very! Why, it's just dead easy. Goodness 
me! W^hat did the old-fashioned author do with his 
time, I'd like to know. We read that they wrote and 
scratched out and groaned and sweat ; why I can't under- 
stand it. I drop the sheets on floor with my left hand, 
(Mr. G. ''Got that Poivers? With her left hand:') like 
clock work, a sheet every five minutes, twelve sheets 
an hour. Six thousand words per day. 

Mr. G. Just think of it. A most prolific pen. 

P. Yes, the female pen is often very prolific. 

Q. Do you have moods, Mrs. Fadd? 

Mrs. F. Why, as to grammar — 

Mr. G. I mean the other kind of moods. 

126 



REJECTED. 21 

A. Moods! no indeed, if I had moods the public 
would discern them. I set myself a standard of uniform- 
ity and compel myself to attain it. When I wrote 
"Sweet Jingles Jangled" I set myself to please. La- 
bored efforts never please. I said there shouldn't be an 
idea in the book, and there isn't. The mistake of the 
old authors was in thinking the public wanted ideas. 
It does not want to be bored with ideas. It wants 
smooth, flowing, soothing — what shall I say? 

P. Stuff. 

Mrs. F. No, there is a better word. (T/ii/iks.) Dear 
me — for the present we'll say stufif, that may be read 
any where at any time without the possibility of excit- 
ing thought or provoking tiresome discussion. That's 
why the public likes Mrs. Fadd. It knows Mrs. Fadd 
is both safe and entertaining. 

Q. Mrs. Fadd do you revise much? 

A. Oh, never! I consider revision the rock on which 
many authors have foundered. The moment you begin to 
revise you break in upon that flowing smoothness which 
the public likes, and then your stuff doesn't appear 
fresh. If you revise, your work is sure to show it, and 
that the public resents, says you are straining after effect. 
Why, we read of one of the old authors who rode round 
town for an entire day in a half demented condition, in 
a cab, to the great alarm of the driver. At last throw- 
ing open the door, he jumped wildly into the street, at 
the risk of his neck, exclaiming: " I've got it! I've got 
it!" The cabman greatly relieved thought he alluded 
to the fare and replied! "All right, sir! Seven hours, 
one dollar an hour." [All laugh.) The author angrily 
replied: " You fool, I'm talking about a word I wanted. 
At last I've got it." Now is it any wonder that authors 
who drove round in cabs looking for words were always 
in indigent circumstances? 

P. A dictionary would be cheaper. 

Mr. G. Decidedly! Now as to your personal life, 
Mrs. Fadd, the public insists on knowing those things. 

Mrs. F. I'm sure I don't object to telling. 

Q. Do you take cream in your coffee? 

127 



22 REJECTED. 

A. At breakfast, not at dinner. 

Q. Sugar? 

A. Yes. 

Q. How many lumps? 

A. Two at breakfast, one at dinner. 

Mr. G. Note that Powers; curious eccentricity in 
the matter of sugar. Expand that a little. 

Q. Whose soap do you use? 

A. Quince's. 

Q. If you only took a cigarette occasionally it 
would add piquancy you know; royalty does it, duch- 
esses and all the bizarre people. 

Mrs. F. Oh, I do smoke a little but you really must 
not put that in, I — 

Enter brusquely Susan Ann Brown, R. 

Susan. Is this Mr. Greathead? 

Mrs. F. ^Jumping up.) Oh dear! What if she heard! 
She may think I smoke a pipe. Goodness me! {Rzms 
out L. ) 

Susan. Is this Mr. Greathead? 

Mr. G. It is madam, at your service. 

Susan. I am Susan Ann Brown, author of "Winds 
that Sough in the Night," the greatest novel of the day, 
i,ioo pages, 300,000 words, 

Mr. G. To be sure. I'll introduce you to Mr. Pow- 
ers our "Reader." He will examine your book. 

Susan. I want Mr. Greathead to read it. 

Mr. G. That is simply impossible. Have an en- 
gagement. Mr. Powers is next to me. 

Susan. I guess the best way is for me to call again. 
I'll read it to you myself. 

Mr. G. Eleven hundred pages! Excuse me, madam, 
I have an urgent engagement {looks at watch). Past time 
now! Here, Powers, attend to the lady. {Rushes out L.) 

Susan. (7"^ P.) So you are next to him. \i you 
decide you must first hear every line, no skipping. I'll 
see to that myself. 

P. {Sits at his desk and commences to fumble MSS. , out 
of humor.') My dear madam, our plan — 

128 



REJECTED. 23 

Susan. And my plan is to do nothing half way. 

P. But, Miss Brown, I really never could listen well 
My ear I think — 

Susan. I've a strong voice. I guess my way's best. 
I'm a good reader. [Pulls up chair beside him to his sur- 
prise^ sits, opens A/S.) 

P. (Groans.) But madam, this isn't regular. 

Susan. I've heard all about your putting off authors. 
Now I'm here and I'm going to be heard. 

P. Good Lord, madam — 

Susan. Just keep cool now. If you once hear " Winds 
that Sough in the Night" you'll v/ant it. {Reads.) 
"One evening, some thirty years ago, a solitary horse- 
man was seen winding his way over the bare, snow- 
clad hills as the red December sun was slowly sinking 
in the western horizon. As he rode along he was im- 
mersed in — 

P. [Frantically.) The river, I hope. 

Susan. We should get on better if you did not 
anticipate, Powers. 

P. Anticipate! [Jumps and rings bell. Instantly 
gong sounds outside. Susa'n Jumps up in alarm., drops leaf 
of MS.) 

Susan. What was that? [Gong again very loud.) 

P. Fire, madam, the place is on fire! Escape for 
your life 

Susan. Merciful heaven, and if my precious book 
should be burned. Why, my book is a legacy for the 
ages. [Rushes wildly out R. huggi?ig JfS. ) 

P. [Laughs.) That's our last resort in self-defense. 
Now may be I can do some work. [Goes to desk and 
takes up MS.) 

Re-enter Welby, R. 

W. I got that letter, Mr. Powers. I hardly expected 
that. 

P. They never do expect it. 

W. What are your reasons for rejecting my great 

book, "The Governor's Daughter?" 

P. Because we did not want it. 

129 



24 REJECTED. 

W. Sir, you are insulting. 

P. Very well, abuse me if you choose. I'm only an 
employe. I have to be polite. 

W. But has an author no rights? Must he go on 
forever like the Wandering Jew and never be told any- 
thing? If I were your tailor you would tell me what 
was the matter. 

P. It costs more to put a book to press than it does 
a coat. 

W. I could possibly fix up the book or write one 
that would please you. 

P. I'm very sorry, Mr. Welby, but I'm only part 
of a vast machine and we can't give reasons for every- 
thing we do. 

W. But Mr. Greathead practically promised me an 
interview. 

P. Then see him. 

W. How can I see him when he's never visible? 

P. I'll call him. {Raps, D. F.) 

Enter G. 

Mr. G. {Starts back, surprised.) Ah, is it you, Mr. 
Welby ? 

W. Yes. May I ask something about my book ? 

Mr. G. Why, really it's against our rules but, Powers, 
suppose you take Mr. Welby out to lunch and talk with 
him. 

W. I much prefer to see you, sir. I agree not to 
bore you. 

Mr. G. {Gets hat.) Then suppose you do me the 
honor of lunching with me at the Club. 

W, With pleasure. {Exeunt, R.) 

P. {Dropping in chair.) I shall have softening of 
the brain, I know it, I feel it coming on. 

Enter Ralph, R. 

Ralph, Mr. Greathead in yet? 

P. No. 

Ralph. I've been waiting in the reception room two 

hours, 

130 



REJECTED. 25 

P. I'm very sorry. 

Ralph. Where is he? I'll follow him all over New 
York. 

P. {Wearily*) Gone to lunch with Mr. Welby. 

Ralph. Welby, ha! Welby is taking advantage of 
me. Why didn't I invite Mr. Greathead to lunch with 
me. {Runs fingers through hair, assumes dignified air 
which is very comical.) May be I'm not so well dressed 
as Welby, but clothes have nothing to do with literature. . 

P. But they do with books. 

Ralph. A fine distinction. Mrs. Fadd wears good 
clothes. Mr. Powers, while we are all alone, suppose 
I just read you a few poems from my new volume, 
"The Pith Soldier, and Other Poems?" They far sur- 
pass the "Dead Canary." You'll want them. 

P. Mr. Hyde-Arlington, we never do that. It's 
against the rules. 

Ralph. I mean just in an informal way between 
ourselves. You know the success attained by my " Dead 
Canary." 

P. Impossible,my dear sir. The building may take fire. 

Ralph. [Starting.) Fire! What's that you said ? 

P. I mean — go on sir. (R. begins unwrapping package.) 

P. (Aside.) I'll try the fire alarm. {Before he can 
ring bell) — 

Enter, R. hastily, Susan. 

Susan. Young man, that was a false alarm. There 
wasn't any fire. 

Ralph. Fire! No, my poetry is not as hot as Mrs. 
Wheelwright's. 

Susan. {Ignores R.) I lost a page of my book. I 
couldn't lose the least bit of it for the world. It is 
my heart's blood, drop by drop — oh, there it is! {Picks 
page uiuicr chair.) Oh, how I've worked on that book, 
I've burned for hours the midnight oil with aching head 
and ceaseless toil. There ! I didn't mean to make poetry. 

Ralph. {Sarcastically.) You haven't made any. 

Susan. {JVith withering glance.) Who are you, I'd 
like to, know? 

131 



26 REJECTED. 

Ralph. I am Ralph Hyde- Arlington, poet, author 
of "The Dead Canary, and Other Poems." 

Susan. And I am Susan Ann Brown, novelist, author 
of " Winds that Sough in the Night." 

Ralph. Excuse me, madam, but you have interrupt- 
ed us. I was about to read my poems to Mr. Powers. 

Susan. Excuse me. I was here first. (Powers //^^/<?<? 
watches dispute^ rubs hands ^ then quietly gets hat and steals 
out L. ) 

Ralph. But you went out madam. A publishing 
house is like a barber shop. 

Susan. {Snorts.) Barbershop! 

Ralph. Yes, when you leave you lose your turn. 

Susan. Humph! I don't know anything about bar- 
ber shops, and I guess from your appearance you haven't 
been in one lately either. 

Ralph. Madam, the natural gallantry which apper- 
tains to my sex and calling forbids me to argue this 
question further with a lady. {Sees that P. is gone., gives 
knowing look.) Satisfied of my own rights in the matter 
I yield to you, I go. (Boius^ exit J^.) 

Susan. He's not so bad after all. But what a dif- 
ference between poetry and its producers. All contrast 
in this world! Now Mr. Powers — [reads same paragraph 
as before, looks iLp., discovers V. is gone .^ screams) — all gone! 
That fire must be real, for there isn't a soul in sight. 
(Gong again.) Oh dear, if my novel should be burned 
it would be an irreparable loss to the world. The very 
thought makes me shudder. {Runs out R, crying " fire ! 
fire!") 

Quick Curtain. 



132 



THE NEW WOMAN 



A COMEDY OF A. D. 1950 



IN THREE ACTS 



By T. S. DENISON 

Ajithor of 

Odds with the Enemy. Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A 
Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, 
Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The PuU-Back, Country Jus- 
tice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen 
Peddler, The School Ma'am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, 
Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, 
The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, 
Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O'Wang, Re- 
jected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P's Beauty Parlors, Topp's 
Twins. A First-Class Hotel, It's all in the Pay-Streak, 
The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues. 

Also the Novels, 

The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc. 



CHICAGO: 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street, 



THE NEW WOMAN. 



THE NEW WOMAN. 



CHARACTERS. 

lVo??ien. 

Miss Pink T. Hykight, Pres. of Club, who has never 
found a man good enough for her. Motto of the Hy- 
kight's "Soaring. " 

Miss Rosa Lightfoot, Secretary. Young and pretty. 

Miss Dollie Giglette, who is up to date. 

Miss Birdie Robbins, no longer a "chicken," and in- 
tensely anti-man. 

Miss Daisy Doughflyer, (Duffy, from the French Du 
Fay). 

Mary, the stewardess who is known as "Smilax. " 

Other Women, only talked about — Ernestine Arling- 
ton, who is engaged, and Willie Jones (not a boy), 
who is so very timid that the only thing she can do 
is to elope. 

Horrid men. 

Jack Blake, a collector for the gas company who is 
misunderstood by Miss Hykight but much better un- 
derstood by Rosa. 

Bertie Howell, "at leisure, don't you know" and has 
time to fawnsy Daisy. 

Mack, the ice man who fancies Mary. 



Time of playing^ one hour 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage C, center; R. C, 
right center; Z. , left; i ^. , first entrance; U. E.^ 
upper entrance, etc. ; D. F.^ door in flat or back of the 
stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 

COPYRIGHT, l8g5, BY T. S. DENISON. 



THE NEW WOMAN. 3 

COSTUMES. 

Birdie Robbins, make-up of prim old maid. 

Miss Pink T. Hykight, stylish, modern according to 
taste. 

DoLLiE GiGLETTE, mannish and easy swagger of a 
polite swell. 

Mary, neat working dress. 

Other Ladies, modern, according to taste. 

Bertie. First Act. Swell dude, bloomers, veil, long, 
pointed shoes with gilt chains from knee-buckles 
to toes of shoes, eye-glass, cane, ^nd any other suit- 
able extravagance. He must not however look vul- 
gar. Second Act. Blue or brown drilling pants and 
working coat, slouch hat, whiskers, plumber's kit, 
tongs, lead pipe, hammer, etc. 

Blake, first appearance, plain business suit; second 
appearance more natty with buttonhole bouquet. 

Mack, blue or brown wool shirt, overalls, slouch hat. 



PROPERTIES. 

Vase of flowers, letters for case, writing materials, 
book for club roll, hammer, pincers, solder, etc., for 
plumber all wrapped in piece of carpet ; cane, eye-glass, 
coins.- 



NoTE — This play may be made very amusing if the 
actors enter heartily into the spirit of its absurdities. 
This is specially true of Bertie Howells and DoUie 
Giglette, but care must be exercised to avoid any- 
thing approaching coarseness. 



135 



THE NEW WOMAN. 



/ 



Door (^ 



Door 




iff 
o ^ 



Some of chairs to be removed after Act I. 



136 



THE NEW WOMAN. 



ACT I. 



Scene — Chih rooms hajidsomely furnished. Entrance R. 
in I; door to dressing room R. in Jj screen to guard last 
door; chair of President and small desk, up Cj table of 
Secretary left hand of President near flat; sofa R. of 
President's chair, another L. of Secretary s table; door 
to committee room L. in 2; screen to guard this door also. 
Chairs in rows at right angles to desk and President's 
position, not too ?na?iy nor set too formally; as members 
rise or seat theniselves they may move chairs a little so as 
to give air of informality. Pictures, foivers, etc. , to taste. 
Screens far enough from wall that persons behind them 
may be seen by audience. {If played in private house any 
other arrangement suitable to the room may be made by 
slight changes. ) A feiv young ladies besides those in cast 
may appear on rising of curtain to give idea of a consid- 
erable club. They may chatter and giggle to interrupt 
proceedings. 

Miss H. (Aspres., rapping on desk as curtain rises. ^ 
Order, ladies! The club will come to order. {All con- 
tinue talking except secfy ivho takes place.) 

DoLLiE. {To member.) Oh, say, have you read the 
"Woman who Dared"? She's the ideal new woman. 
It's just too lovely! 

Member. What loads of money she had. Just think, 
two hundred suits! And her pants were a dream. 

Daisy. {To member.) I took so much pains with it, 
and then to have them say such things. 

DoLLiE. {Hearing.) Oh, what did they say ? 

137 



6 -THE NEW WOMaM. 

Pres, {Raps vig07'ously.) Order please, ladies! It 
is already past the hour for meeting. 

Birdie. {Sentimentally.) Oh, I do take such an in- 
terest in this club. If this club fails, the new woman — 
{Pres. shai'ply.') "Order." (Birdie drops in seat.) Oh! 

Pres. {Raps very hard.) The club will come to 
order! Secretary, read — 

Member, {Who has not yet heard tJie calls to order.) 
Ashes of roses trimmed with — 

Pres. The object of this club is to cultivate self- 
reliant neiu women. Let us live up to our opportuni- 
ties. Secretary, call the roll. 

Sec. {Calls, nobody a?iswers.) Miss Hykight, Miss 
Lightfoot, Miss Robbins, Miss Giglette, Miss 
Smythe, Miss Tompkins, Miss White, Miss Spooner, 
Miss Suitor, {hesitates) Miss Doughflyer, Miss — 

Miss Doughflyer. {Jumps up hastily.) Miss Presi- 
dent, I wish to correct the secretary. {With dignity.) 
My name is ?iot Doughflyer though it is spelled that 
way. We are English, you know, of Norman extrac- 
tion, and pronounce our name Duffy. It comes from 
the French Du Fay. 

Sec. I beg your pardon, pleased to make the cor- 
rection. 

Pres. {To sec.) By the way. Miss Lightfoot, you 
appear to be a stranger to Miss Duffy. Allow me to 
introduce you. Miss Duffy, Miss Lightfoot; Miss 
Lightfoot, Miss Duffy. {They bow.) 

Sec. {Continues.) Miss Hapgood, Miss Littlejohn, 
Miss Brownmuffin — {hesitates) Willie Jones. 

Chorus. Good gracious, is she a boy? 

Birdie. {Rises, severely.) There seems to be some mis- 
take about that name. One of the rules of this club is 
that no man shall ever enter its sacred precincts or 
even be mentioned except pro forma. I think it is an 
insult to the club even to mention a man's name here 
in that familiar way — Willie Jones — much less to put 
his name on the roll. 

Pres. I agree to that, Miss Robbins. It is in atro- 
ciously bad taste if intended for a joke. 

138 



THE NEW WOMAN. 7 

Sec. I found the name on a slip of members pro- 
posed. 

Pres. {IVit/i dignity.) Ladies, who proposed Willie 
Jones? [JVo answer. Dollie, who has been busily talking 
to a member suddenly realizes that some business is before 
the club and asks:) 

Dollie. What is the question ? 

Pres. (^Sternly.) The question is, who dared dese- 
crate our roll with the name of a man. Willie Jones, 
who is he? 

Dollie. iyjumps up.) Goodness me, he's not a he. 
He's a girl! {All laugh.) Such a ridiculous mistake! 
It would so mortify poor Willie if she were here. She's 
such a dear, timid little thing; why, she hardly dares 
breathe. 

Daisy. What a funny name for a girl, anyway. 

Dollie. Poor thing, she can't help it. Parents old 
fashioned you know, and like men well enough to want 
their names. 

Pres. The name is very good since it is borne by a 
woman. The new woman will not only do as she pleases, 
but call herself what she pleases. She will not await 
the pleasure of some man to bestow his precious name 
on her. / never saw the man whose name / wanted. 

Birdie. [Rises. ) Nor have /, the presumptuous creat- 
ures. When they fit themselves to be the companions 
of the nobler sex it willbe time enough for them to ask 
our friendship only, and for us to refuse if we choose. 

Pres. And we also assume the right to ask instead 
of waiting patiently like slaves in a market. The new 
woman will be no slave. 

Chorus. Never! 

Pres. I believe the next business is to consider the 
applications for new members to the " New Woman's 
Anti-homo Club." {To sec.) What applications are 
there to come up to-day ? {Members begin an epidemic of 
ivhispering.) Order please, ladies! {Brief lull which 
ends in a general buzz. ) 

Sec. {Reads.) The first nam.e is Miss Ernestine 
Arlington. 

139 



8 THE NEW WOMAN. 

Pres. Who proposed Miss Arlington? 

Sec. Miss Brownmuffin, who is not present. 

Pres. Has anyone anything to say before the ballot 
is taken ? 

DoLLiE. I don't know that I ought to say anything. 
( Gene7^al curiosity. ) 

Daisy. Oh yes, do. 

DoLLiE. But people might blame me for trying to 
injure the girl. 

Pres. Let people talk, the new woman does not care 
a fig for what people say. 

DoLLiE. Miss Arlington is a very sweet girl, but — 

Birdie. i^Rises.') Miss President ! 

Pres. Miss Birdie Robbins. 

Birdie. I rise to correct the language of Miss Gig- 
lette. I object to the word sweet. It sounds silly. 
The new woman will, I hope, not be a piece of confec- 
tionery, inciting men to cannibalism. 

Dollie. {IVith slight emphasis?) Well, I don't care! 
Ernestine is sweet but that's not the worst, she's en- 
gaged to be married. {Chorus of '' Oh's, ") 

Daisy. Who is he? Oh, I didn't mean that? Has 
he money? Is he a foreigner ? 

Pres. A foreigner with money! Bah! A foreigner 
is only better than the native tyrant in this, that he 
makes no pretension to be suffering from that antiqua- 
ted, imaginary malady love. He boldly proclaims that 
he gives his name and reserves his freedom. He is at 
least honest. Engaged! Silly, weak creature, that's 
enough to know of her. 

Birdie. I should say! 

Pres. The constitution of this club, as we all know, 
forbids the marriage of its members. We believe that 
we have a nobler work to accomplish in the world. 
And I repeat, for the benefit of new members, that no 
member of this club may receive any kind of attention 
from any man nor pay attentions to any man, except by 
consent and advice of this club. 

Birdie. [Rises.) I think we ought to censure Miss 
Brownmufiin for recommending such a creature who is 

140 



THE NEW WOMAN. 9 

weak enough to throw herself at a man in that way, for 
I warrant she led him on. 

Pres. Are there any other names to be presented 
to-day ? 

Sec. Yes, Mrs. Judge Stone! 

Member. {^ Jumping up.) But no J/zV^rz/'j- is eligible. 
We will have no woman who is weak enough to marry 
a man. 

Sec. But Mrs. Judge Stone's case is quite excep- 
tional. She is a brave woman. Filed a bill of divorce, 
heard the case herself, and granted a decree with a 
ripping alimony. 

Chorus. Good, good! {Applause.) 

Birdie. What was the cause ? 

Sec. Her husband, the tyrant, objected to her smok- 
ing during their reception to the Count Spaghetti, who 
married Miss Bullion-Brown. 

Chorus. Oh! oh! the brute! served him right. 

Pres. I think we should admit this brilliant woman, 
the champion of her sex, without the formality of a 
ballot. 

Birdie. Yes, by all means, and extend her a vote of 
thanks, besides, for her achievements in the cause of 
progress. 

Chorus. Yes, yes! 

Pres Mrs. Judge Stone is admitted by unanimous 
consent, and the thanks is also a vote. (To sec.) What 
is next ? 

Sec. Some questions were to be presented for future 
discussion. 

Pres. Read them ! 

Sec Whereas: The New Woman's Club and Anti- 
homo Association points with pride to its record in the 
matter of political and social reform, it further views 
with alarm the gradual encroachments of the male sex 
upon the dress of women. Witness the almost univer- 
sal adoption of bloomers by men of fashion, which is 
rapidly being imitated by male maids of all work, and 
even scullions and dish-washers. 

Birdie. Miss President, such a condition of affairs is 

141 



lO THE NEW WOMAN. 

ominous. It threatens the very foundations of society. 
In my opinion men are secretly encouraged in such 
practices by that class of women whom we designate as 
marrying women. Our battle is not yet completely won. 
A large number of our own sex oppose us, and cling to 
the old system which made woman a slave. I there- 
fore move that a committee be named to call upon Her 
Excellency, Governor Angelina Perkins, and Chief Jus- 
tice Daisy Flyer inviting them to a joint discussion of 
this important question, in the rooms of this club. 

DoLLiE. I second that motion. 

Pres. I see no harm in it and will name as the com- 
mittee ex-Judge Birdie Robbins, ex-Mayor Dollie 
Giglette, of whom, by the way, we are all proud as 
the youngest mayor ever elected in this city, and Miss 
Brownmuffln. I think the question will be ably debated, 
since it is well known that Governor Angelina Perkins 
is inclined to a strict interpretation of the statutes, 
while Chief Justice Daisy Flyer has liberal tendencies 
and her rulings give men all the privileges which they 
may fairly ask so long as society is constituted as at 
present. 

Dollie. For my part I think the question not im- 
portant. Since women have almost universally adopted 
pantaloons and derby hats I am willing that the men 
wear bloomers and put feathers in their hats if they 
choose. Men are naturally vain and the slaves of 
fashion. 

Birdie. We set a bad example in our dress here! 

Pres. Our dress here is only a survival, regalia in 
fact, like that of the women's Ancient Order of Mat- 
rimony. 

Dollie. It is very absurd and should have been 
abolished long ago.. 

Sec. I have the following question to propose: 
{Reads.) Shall men be compelled to remove their hats 
in theatres? 

Daisy. The law says plainly, they shall! 

Birdie. The law, indeed! What's the use to talk 
about the law when the people have been fools enough 

142 



THE NEW WOMAN. II 

to elect a gang mayor and a man at that. He winks at 
most outrageous infractions of the law! What are we 
coming to ? 

DoLLiE. The remedy lies in the ballot. 

Sec. {Reads.) Shall a woman give her seat in a 
street car to a tired man ? 

Pres. That question is absurd. If the man is young 
and stylishly dressed he gets the seat and if he isn't 
he stands, that's all. Is there any further business? 

Sec. None! 

Pres. The club stands adjourned till the next reg- 
ular meeting. {All 7'ise and with a buzz disperse going R. 
except pres. and sec. ) 

Rosa. Hykight, I am worried about the finances of 

the club. 

Pink T. Lightfoot, that is Doughflyer's business! 

Rosa. Doughflyer is ^^ reckless! 

Pink T. How much do we owe ? 

Rosa. Nearly five thousand dollars. 

Pink T. That is nothing for a wealthy club like 
ours. Why, in the old times when men carried the 
pocket-book and managed clubs they were always head 
over heels in debt. 

Rosa. (^Surprised) Why, Miss Pink T. Hykight l 
Do you adduce the men's clubs as examples for our 
guidance? 

Pink T. Certainly not. Their clubs are cheap now- 
adays because we allow them so little pocket money. 
And they are so weak in the matter of drinks. 

Rosa. But we can't pay bills even in 1950 without 

money. 

Pres. I tire of hearing about money. Money has 
never been the chief object in any condition of society. 

Rosa. We'll not agree there. Our grandfathers and 
fathers made a god of money, a swinish, brutal fetich. 
But we must do something; our wine bill is enormous. 

Pink T. That comes of giving a banquet at the 
Paragon Hotel and inviting a thirsty horde of men. 

Rosa. But the bill must be paid, and the cigar man 
is clamoring for his money. 

143 



12 THE NEW WOMAN. 

Pink T. Pay him! 

Rosa, Pay him! Why, the bill is over three hun- 
dred dollars. We do smoke so much and the members 
are hanging the club up. 

Pink T. That is contrary to rules. Doughflyer is 
responsible for that. She is too easy. By the way, 
have you a cigar about you? 

Rosa. No, I came down in the car with Judge Flyer 
and she took the last one I had. I'll ring for Mary to 
bring in cigars. 

Enter Mary, i?. 

Pink T. Oh, here she is now. 

Mary. Miss Hykight, there is a man at the door 
who wishes to see the president. 

Pink T. A man ! No man can come in here except 
in extreme necessity or in a menial capacity. Tell him 
to go. » 

Mary. I have told him that. He insists, says he 
must see the president and will not be put off longer. 
( Going Z.) 

Pink T. Will not be put oft! Such insolence! Call 
a policeman. Goodness! I hear him coming in here! 
He's bound to speak to me. There's no escape. I'm 
subject to impeachment if this gets out. 

Rosa. I shan't take any chances. [Runs out L., P. 
T. following .) 

Enter Jack Blake, R. 

Blake. [Bowing politely.) Can I see the president 
of the club ? 

Pink T. [At Z. , ivith dignity.) I am the president. 
You are intruding, sir. 

Blake. [Bowing very low.) I beg your pardon but I 
must see somebody. 

Pink T. [Aside.) 6*6' polite! Your business, sir? 

Blake. I am collector for the Universal Grab-all 
Gas Co. The bill, you know. 

Pink T. I do not know. See Miss Daisy Dough- 
flyer, our financial secretary. 

Blake. Duffy! The name given me \n3.^ Dougkjlyer! 

144 



THE NEW WOMAN. 1 3 

Pink T. [Laughs.) How absurd! You got the name 
wrong. She spells it Doughflyer and pronounces it 
Duffy. She's English, you know. 

Blake. Beg pardon! I didn't know that. I've 
looked all over town for that woman. 

Pink T. She's a lawyer. Doughflyer and Muldoon, 
Cinderella building, corner of Maltida street and Marie 
Louise avenue. 

Blake. Miss Hykight, I thank you for your cour- 
tesy. Sorry I intruded. (Boivs politely.) 

Pink T. Don't mention it. 

Enter Mary, Z. 

Mary. [Sees B., eoi/glis.) Miss President, the ice 
hasn't come. 

Pink T. ■ I'll see you later Mary! [Slips coin in her 
hand. Exit Mary, L.) 

• Blake. By the way, where is the meter? Our man 
had trouble finding it. 

Pink T. Step into the office, through that door. The 
stewardess will show you. [Exit Blake, bowing very 
politely., L.) 

Pink T. What a charming man! The gas officials 
are so polite. I hear they train all their men in a 
regular school of etiquette, taught by a real French 
professor. But this little interview must be strictly on 
the Q. T. [Exit, R. ) 

Enter Rosa and Blake, talking earnestly. 

'Rosa. [Glancing round.) Thank heaven, she is gone 
and no one is likely to come so soon after the business 
meeting. 

Blake. You have a charming place here. But why 
is it so very hard to see your officials. Miss Lightfoot? 

Rosa. Why, don't you know? Our rules are very 
strict. No man without a license is ever allowed to 
enter here except on certain days of public receptions. 
If you were seen here with me I should be subject to 
impeachment and expulsion and you would be hope- 
lessly compromised. 

145 



14 THE NEW WOlMAN. 

Blake. {Starting.) No! 

Rosa. A fact! Can I rely on your discretion? 

Blake. [Bo^ving his best.) You can. I would gladly 
be the slave of such a charming creature. 

Rosa. (Pretending offense.) No nonsense, please! The 
new woman dislikes the word slave. On your honor, do 
you promise silence? 

Blake. [Bowing.) I do! 

Rosa. For your own sake, too! 

Blake. I must preserve my reputation. I shall be 
silent as the grave. 

Rosa. [Aside.) Such lovely manners! Now go, please. 

Enter Mary Z. , she starts and coughs. 

Rosa. [To Blake.) Oh, please go at once! [Exit 
Blake, hastily^ B.) Mary, you know our rules! 
This is an accident. He came to see about the gas. 
[She gives Mary a coin.) Can I rely on you ? 

Mary. Forever, Miss Lightfoot. 

Rosa. Thank you! [Exit B.) 

Mary. Well, if there aint trouble brewin' here, my 
name isn't Mary Smilax. First the president making 
eyes at him, and bribin' me, and then the secretary. 
And he's just lovely, too. [Hears noise.) Oh, there's 
the iceman! 

Enter Mack, the iceman, L. 

Mack. Is there nobody around this blessed shop? 
I've been hammering at the side door for an hour. 

Mary. Nonsense, Mack! I haven't been out of my 
office for five minutes. 

Mack. Don't care, Smilax. I can't be detained 
this way. I'll just leave your ice on the sidewalk here- 
after. 

Mary. Do it if you dare, and we'll just try the Susie 
Miller Ice Company. 

Mack. The Susie Miller Co. be blowed! [Coax- 
ingly.) Now Smilax, you wouldn't be that hard on 
a feller an' lose him a good customer like this club? 
The company looks to its drivers to hold customers. 

Mary. And it's a poor dependence. 

146 



THE NEW WOMAN. 1 5 

Mack. Mary, don't be hard on a feller. 

Mary. Mr. Mack, your language is shockingly coarse 
at times. Feller is slang. 

Mack. Well, Mary — 

Mary. There you go again! Don't call me Mary/ 
Call me Smilax, or Miss Smilax. 

Mack. You used to be just Mary Smith. 

Mary. Used to be isn't now. Smith is too plain 
and common for me. When I entered the employment 
of this club I became a new woman, and I just took a 
new name. I was tired of Smith. When I applied to 
Justice Daisy Flyer to get a permit to change my name, 
she said flowers were having a great run for names, and 
I chose Smilax. 

Mack. Mary, you are prettier to me than any flower. 

Mary. {Smiles.') That is a very pretty compliment, 
but you forget that it is only proper for our sex to pay 
such compliments as that. The new woman — 

Mack. Bother the new woman. Since you have be- 
come a new woman, Mary, you drive me to distraction. 

Mary. Mr. Mack, you are really provoking. So weak 
and sentimental. Do have a little regard for propri- 
ety, and the modesty natural to your sex. 

Mack. I never can please you now. The old woman 
was hard enough to please, but the new one — heaven 
help us. 

Mary. Mr. Mack, can't I teach you that it is not 
your place to compliment me, but my place to compli- 
ment you ? You are rather forward. 

Mack. Oh, it has come to that., has it ? {Going., (■'^^^gO'^ 

Mary. {Aside.) He's so fascinating when he is vexed 
a little. {Follows.) He's irresistible. John! 

Mack. {Turning.) She called me John. (T^c? Mary, 
stiffly.) John! I think _)w/ are presuming, Miss. 

Mary. I beg your pardon. May I not call you John ? 

Mack. {Drops eyes coquettishly.) You are so persistent. 

Mary. Then I may call you John? 

Mack. It's so sudden! Give me time. I think I shall 
never marry. 

147 



l6 THE NEW WOMAN. 

Mary. Very well, if that is your decision, I — I — 
Mack. [Alarmed.) Oh, I didn't mean that. 
Mary. May I seal that sweet confession with a kiss? 
[Adva nces toiva rd Mack.) 

Enter Bertie R. i, John darts out L. 

Bertie. [Coughs.) Aw! I saiey there, now! 

Mary. [Tunis angrily.) Who are you, sir ? Do you 
know where you are ? 

Bi^RTiE. [Adjusting eye-glass and staining.) Yaas! (^^• 
garding her.) Wathah pwetty, don't you know ; but lacks 
style. 

Mary. [Angrily^ Do you know where you are? 

Bertie. Yaas. 

Mary. Oh, you do! Well let me say that the "New 
Woman's Club" is forbidden to men. Special charter, 
you see. Penalties attached! Why, you could be com- 
mitted for felony. 

Bertie. [Starting.) You don't saiey ! 

Mary. Yes, I do say. Now will you go at once, be- 
fore I call a policeman? 

Bertie. I cawn't, weally, till I've found out some- 
thing I'm dying to know. 

Mary. Well, did you ever! Wont go, eh! I shall 
have to throw you out. [Business of pushing up sleeves ) 

Bertie. [Starting.) I declare, she's going to wesoht 
to violence. I saiey now! (Mary takes Bertie by 
shoulders and is rushing him toward door. He drops cane., 
eye-glass., etc. Makes a feeble effort to resist. ) 

Mary. I'll show you how to go, you insolent cub! 

Bertie. .[Manages to turn round.) Oh, I saiey now. 
Don't be hasty, you know I — I — [gets coin from pocket 
and slips it in her hand.) I only wanted to ask a question, 
then I'll go. 

Mary. [Looks at coin and changes tone instajttly.) Why 
didn't you say so at first. We may be detected. AVho 
are you ? 

Bertie. Bertie Howell, there's my cahd! 

Mary. Very well, Mr. Howell. Your business ? 

Bertie. You were so thweatening, don't you know. 



THE NEW WOMAN. 1 7 

You quite alahmed me. You look so musculah, don't 
you know. 

Mary. Cut that. Time is precious. 

Bertie. You must sweah eternal secwecy. 

Mary. If it is so very important as that, I think I'd 
rather not. 

Bertie. Me weputation is in your hands. A word 
would blawst it. You know I have long admiahed in 
secwet one of the membeahs of this club. 

Mary. Indeed! That's no news. They are rather 
a swell set. 

Bertie. Awful swaggah, don't you know. I've 
noticed her in the cahs, don't you know, and she knows 
GovernohAngelina Perkins, too, and they talk politics — 
an' how I do wish I could undehstand those things, but 
I cawn't, you see. 

Mary. Yes, I see. 

Bertie. Yestehday she gave me her seat in the 
stweet cah. It put me all in a flutteh, don't you know. 
I blushed scawlet and put me veil down at once. 

Mary. Poor silly thing! You are very imprudent 
coming here. 

Bertie. Vewy, but I confide in you. 

Mary. You may trust me implicitly, but what can 
I do for you ? 

Bertie. Mention casuawlly that I am an heir, mam- 
ma fwightfully wich, don't you know, only child, an' 
all that. Start a talk, don't you see. 

Mary. But whom am I to talk to! I don't know 
your flame. 

Bertie. {Sucks cane.) Aw, an obstacle wight away, 
I neveh could suhmount obstacles. I saiey now, help 
me out, woman. A cwuel custom compels me to sit and 
wait to be wooed. 

Mary. Describe her! 

Bertie. {Brightefiing.) To be suah, good idea, don't 
you know. Well, she is awfully swell. 

Mary. Nonsense! Blonde or brunette ? 

Bertie. Aw, thanks for the suggestion. How deuced 
clevah you aw. She's a blonde. 

149 



l8 THE NEW WOMAN. 

Mary. Clothes? 

Bertie. Velvet suit, cutaway coat, silk tile, silveh 
knee chains that hook into the wing of the shoe tqes by 
a deuce of a clevah little hand, don't you know. 

Mary. Why, that must be the Hon. Dollie Giglette. 

Bertie. Dollie^ did you say? Oh, how fohgetful I 
am, I did hear them call her — 

Enter Dollie, R. 

Mary. (\Vith warning gesture,^ Hush! There she 
comes. {Runs out, Z.) 

Bertie. She comes! Wuined! (Drops Jiis veil in- 
stantly. ) 

Tableau. 

Dollie, laughing^ down R. C. Bertie, with averted 
face^ L. C. 

Quick Curtain. 

ACT H. 

Scene — Club house as before. Time: Morning^ a few 
days later than Act I. Pres. Hykight discovered lookifig 
at letter case. 

Pink T. Why, here is a letter. That's strange; my 
mail comes to my business office. [Opens letter^ reads.) 
Why, from that Mr. Blake of the Gas Company. Dear 
me! I wrote him that he really must not come here 
any more and he has the audacity to answer, saying 
that he is obliged to come. The rules of the company 
are inexorable, etc. Nonsense! It isn't the rules of 
the company that compel him. It is something else. 
I guess I'm the attraction, in short. {Sighs.') I'm getting 
tired of all this strife fighting the battles of reform. 
The new woman is a pretty lonesome creature. But I 
might have been brought up a marrying woman. And 
if I had! Poor helpless creatures! (Sighs.) Well, some- 
times J think that I'd rather preside in a nice home than 
in this club. Mr. Blake is handsome — such eyes and 
such a mustache! and such manners! How kind of the 
Gas Company to educate their men in etiquette. That 

150 



THE NEW WOMAN. I9 

is because a woman is president of tiie company. Why, 
I've read that in the old time the insolence of gas em- 
ployes almost equaled that of employes in the city hall 
nowadays. But he is poor and I can not stoop! The 
motto of the Hykights is "Upward," and I, Pink T. 
Hykight, a descendant of President Hykight, shall not 
be the first to step out of the family rank. The Blakes 
are of very good family, but Mr. Blake has only his 
salary. 

Enter Mary, L. 

Mary. Oh, are you here. Miss Hykight? 

Pink T. Yes, I am early, called for my mail. 

Mary. How absurd it was for that carrier to get 
stuck in the chute. 

Pink T. Yes, it might have been serious. Smilax, 
I want the silver counted to-day. 

Mary. I'll attend to it. Miss Hykight. {Exit^ 
Mary, L.) 

Pink T. {Looking at letter.) No, I think Chief of 
Police, Brennan de Cork is more to my notion. The de 
Cork's have been illustrious for centuries. They were 
kings of Ireland, and they say he has made his pile in 
politics, too. I'll propose to de Cork yet. I believe 
he expects it, too. I'm sick of public life. Poor Blake! 
I'll just write him to call about the meter again and 
find some way to let him know that his hopes are vain. 
Poor thing! He is so infatuated with me. It's danger- 
ous but I'll risk it. (RtJigs.) I'll write de Cork asking 
him to theatre this very night. {Writes hastily) No 
stamp! I'll mail it outside. {Attempts to put note in 
pocket; drops it on floor. Rings.) Where are all the 
servants? 

Enter Mary, L. 

Pink T. Smilax, where is Belinda and Alfaretta 
Pansy ? 

Mary. I sent Belinda for cigars. Alfaretta is sick 
to-day. 

Pink T. What hour do you open the club house? 

Mary. At eight o'clock. Miss Plykight, according 



to regulation. 



151 



20 THE NEW WOMAN. 

Pink T. Is your help all here at that hour? 

Mary. Promptly, Miss. 

Pink T. When do members appear ? 

Mary. Seldom before noon, and most of them after 
four. You see the trouble of dressing in this old regalia 
keeps them away. We ought to abolish such an ancient 
rule and admit the modern dress. 

Pink T. That is a club matter. 

Mary. (Fexea.) Oh, It's not for me to say. I just 
suggested. Miss President, the Swiss cheese for the bar 
is hardly up to the last lot, I think. Will you come and 
taste it ? {Exeunt L. ) 

Enter Rosa Lightfoot, R. i. 

Rosa. {Has not seen them ^ goes to letter case.^ A let- 
ter for me ! A strange hand! {Reads.) Why, it's from 
that Mr. Blake. Thanks me for my kindness! Dear 
fellow. Hopes I may not think him bold. {Laughs.) 
Such audacity! He is bold, but I like him for it. And 
wants to meet me here. Oh goodness! That will never 
do. {Looks at note.) Tuesday at nine. Hopes I'll be 
alone. Why, he may come any minute. How indiscreet 
of him. He must love nie desperately. {Rings ) What- 
ever shall I do. 

Enter Mary, L. 

Rosa. Mary, I expect a person here on business — 
important business. Is the committee room unoccupied 
at this hour? 

Mary. Yes, Miss, that is, unless Birdie Robbins 
should come in. She goes round at all hours. 

Rosa. {Soliloquy.) Why did't she go into literature? 
She has no tact for politics. 

Mary. No, Miss Lightfoot, she hasn't a spoonful of 
tact. 

Rosa. Ah, Mary, you needn't notice everything. If 
she or anyone else drops in just say the committee room 
is in use, will you ? 

Mary. Yes, Miss. {Exit L.) 

Rosa, How my heart flutters. I've read that in the 
old times women's hearts were always fluttering. That 

152 



THE NEW WOMAN. 21 

is a weakness that comes from centuries of degenerate 
training, but the new woman will master it yet. The 
men manage better. Their great solid chests are as 
impassive as statues. We can be nonchalant, too. I'll 
coolly light a cigar. [Feels pocket.) Goodness, I gave 
the last one to Inspector Lillie Evergreen. [Sound of 
footsteps.^ R.) Goodness, there he comes now. [Listens. ) 
He's saying good day to some one at the door. Oh, 
horrors! that's Birdie Robbins's voice. What shall I 
do ? [Darts behind screen L. ) 

Enter Birdie Robbins, R. 

Birdie. [Cross.) I'll just look around and see that 
everything is in decent order, and I dare say it isn't at 
all. The other directors leave all that to me. Governor 
Perkins and Judge Flyer haven't attended a directors' 
meeting for three months. They ought to be ashamed 
of themselves. [Looks in letter box^ takes letter out^ reads. ) 
Another appeal from the Pacific Coast Home Mission 
Society. Urgent appeal for help. The Chinese are 
sending missionaries to America by the score. Con- 
fucian daily paper published in San Francisco. Dear 
me, things are going to the bad headlong, and this club 
doesn't even protest. I wonder if those people have 
repaired the faucets in the dressing room! [Exit L^. 
U. E.) 

Rosa. [Conies from behind screen.) This is a pretty 
mess. I do hope he won't come. If I try to stop him 
at the door, it may lead to complications. (Birdie heard 
re^-entering. Rosa behind screen as before.) 

Birdie. Soap nearly all gone already. The servants 
are robbing us, feeding their relatives at our expense, 
and smoking our cigars by the score. We read that all 
these things happened in the old times. Alfaretta sick 
to-day! She'll have to be sent to the tobacco cure and 
the club will be obliged by law to pay the bills. Such 
demoralization on every hand. When the men managed 
things they stole everything in sight. I've just been 
reading a curious old book of the last century called 
" An Iron Crown. " There were big thieves then, accord- 

153 



22 THE NEW WOMAN. 

ing to that author, who stole millions. Now women will 
stoop to purloin a few cigars. {^Petulantly.) I'm ashamed 
of them. {Sees note on floor. ) What i s th i s ? {Picks it up. ) 
Why this is directed to "Hon. Chief of Police, Brennan 
de Cork." It is unsealed too. Official business, doubt- 
less, I'll see. {Opens and reads.) Mercy! Can this be 
true? Impossible! I'll put it back. No, it is a matter 
too important to be concealed. {Reads.) "Hon. Bren- 
nan de Cork: Miss Pink T. Hykight presents her compli- 
ments to Mr. de Cork and desires the pleasure of his 
company to the Elsie theatre to hear Paddiwinski next 
Saturday' evening. Find the usual gratuity for flowers 
enclosed." Such iniquity ! I always suspected the sin- 
cerity of that woman. Her crime shall be punished. As 
vice-president, I shall call a directors' meeting at once. 
{^Exit R. I . ) 

Rosa. {Coming down.) Here's a pretty go! There'll 
be a scandal sure, for if there is a sincere member in 
the club, it is Miss Robbins. Who would have thought 
that Miss Hykight was so sly? Well, de Cork is a 
great catch. Dear me, if I am discovered. Mr. Blake is 
so indiscreet. I shall talk to him seriously. {Steps 
heard.) Goodness, some one coming. {Darts back 
behind screen.) 

Enter Blake, R. i. 

. Blake. I do hope she'll meet me. Not here! How 
cruel ! She thinks me too forward, but I can not conceal 
my love. (Rosa behind screen leans forward eagerly to 
listen. ) 

Enter Pink T., qidetly, R. i. 

Blake. Yes, I've been too forward. She despises 
me. (P. T. advances on tip toe, also Rosa conies further 
down, pleased.) Oh, for one word, one glance of those 
beautiful eyes. 

Pink T. {Aside.) Poor thing! 

Rosa. {Aside.) How delightful . 

Blake. I have hoped in vain. {Turns R.) 

Pink T. No, not so. Hope is — 

Rosa. {Coming out, screams) Undone! Miss Hy- 
kight ! {All stare in surprise for a few moments. ) 

154 



THE NEW WOMAN. 23 

Pink T. Miss Lightfoot, explain your conduct, if 
you please. 

Rosa. Not to you, Miss Hykight. 

Pink T. Then to the club. 

Rosa. The club can have my resignation if that is 
what you mean. 

Pink T. Your conduct has been scandalous. You 
have lured this confiding young man here utterly 
regardless of his reputation or the club's. 

Rosa. Plague take the club! I love this man. Mr. 
Blake, be mine. 

Pink T. {Loftily.) Oh, indeed! If it comes to that 
I think I am one too many. {Sails out R. i.) 

Blake. {Modestly.) I have been very indiscreet. 
Forgive me, dear. 

Rosa. Darling, say no more,but you really must go 
at once. {Noise outside.) Too late. Get behind the 
screen there. {He runs behind screen R. , Rosa L. ) 

Enter Dollie R. 

DoLLiE. {With easy swagger.) Here's ago! That 
silly little Bertie Howells thinks because I called on 
him three or four times and took him to a concert once 
that I'm going to marry him. Humph! he's decidedly 
fresh. But this is the poor boy's first season in society, 
and then {^uith Jaunty air) I suppose I am to blame. 
So far forgot himself as to write me a note. Well, I 
must say, being an only child, his mamma's millions 
are very tempting. But then his papa is insupportable, 
no pop-in-law for me just yet. {Looks at letter box, 
fingering letters) "Grantly," "Gorman," "Ginseng," 
"Gunther;" no Giglette. Well, the ninny hasn't 
sent any more notes, thank fortune. I'm pestered to 
death with billet doux and designing papas. {Going 
L. sees Rosa behind screen.) Why, Lightfoot, old chap, 
what on earth are you standing in there for? 

Rosa. {Stammers.) Why, you see Giglette — you 
. know I was just listening if that induction was still 
in the heating coil. We could hear the engine throb 
plainly. 

155 



2 4 THE NEW WOMAN. 

DoLLiE. The plumber fixed that last week. Come 
and have something. 

Rosa. Excuse me please, you know I never drink. 

DoLLiE. Teetotaler! I forgot; well take a cigar. 

Rosa. (Coughs significantly.) Don't care if I do. 

DoLLiE. Lightfoot, you have a bad cough. (Exeunt 
L.) 

Blake. (Comes out.) Now's my chance to skip. 
(Rjins against 

Bertie Entering i?., disguised as plumbei'. 

Bertie. I saiey there, now! (^Tools fall with 7'acket.) 

Blake. Where are you going, you lubber? 

Bertie. Confwound you, it's your fault. 

Blake. No lip, young fellow. You're too fresh! 

Bertie. Lip! Fellah! You aw vewy f wesh ! You 
aw insulting, don't you know. 

Blake. Hello! Who are you, anyway ? Lookin' for 
a scrap are you? You look like a plumber and talk 
like an avenue dude. 

Bertie. I cawn't talk to you, you know. Because 
you're no gentleman, see? 

Blake. Why, you little shrimp, who the deuce are 
you to talk about gentlemen? You're not a plumber, 
nor a gentleman, either. You're up to some game. I'll 
just unmask you (Pulls off Bertie's slouch hat^ Bertie 
screams, V>\.ky^y. pulls off his false ivhiskers. Bertie hits 
him but Blake doesn't mind it.) 

Bertie. (Gasping.) You — you fellah — 

Blake. Don't try that game or I'll pulverize you. 

Bertie. (Squari?ig.) Don't you twy that. I — weally, 
I may hurt somebody. 

Blake. Young man, what are you doing in this club, 
sneaking in here in disguise? (Sternly.) Give an ac- 
count of yourself. 

Bertie. (Shrinking back.) Weally, don't be wash, 
you know. I came heah to meet the pearl of her sex. 

Enter Dollie, Z. , overhears., stops. 
Dollie. (Hand to mouth.) Me! 

I --,6 



THE NEW WOMAN. 25 

Blake. No you didn't, young fellow. That's what 
I came for, and I'll break every bone in your body if 
you meddle in my affairs. [Dollie smiles pleased and gives 
expressive look?) Hear? 

Dollie. {As before.) Fun to come! 

Bertie. {Contemptuously.) Why, she wouldn't look 
at you. The peehless flowah of her sex — 

Dollie. That's me. {Laughs merrily. They start sur- 
prised,) Really, this is too good! {Laughs.) Really, 
gentlemen! Fie on you! These persistent attentions 
are embarrassing. {Comes toivardC,) 

Blake. {Bowing politely.) Madam, I assure you — 

Bertie. {Pushing him aside.) Go, fellah! This is 
myaffaih! Miss Giglette, I feah I look vewy ludi- 
cuous in this dwess and I cawn't get on without me eye- 
glaws, don't you know. {Feeling in pocket for glass. To 
Blake.) You've bwoke me chain, I saiey. 

Dollie. {Laughs heartily.) Now go, please, both of 
you. I could have you both arrested. Don't cause a 
scene. 

Enter Birdie Robbins, L. 

Birdie. {Sternly.) Men! In the Anti-homo Club. Is 
it possible? {Severely.) Miss Giglette, what does this 
mean ? 

Dollie. {Laughs.) Really, I don't know. Nothing, 
I guess. 

Birdie. Miss Giglette, have you invited these 
creatures? 

Blake. {Aside.) Creatures! Old Major Prim! 

Dollie, I have not invited them. 

Birdie. Then why are they here? This looks sus- 
picious. 

Dolly. {Haughtily.) Miss Robbins, you forget that 
I am not on the witness stand. 

Birdie. There's pretty goings on here in violation 
of our constitution and by-laws. This club is on the 
brink of dissolution. 

Dollie. Pshaw! It's always on the brink of some- 
thing. 

157 



26 THE NEW WOMAN. 

Birdie. And they will not go, eh? I'll ring up the 
police. [Starts totuard police call in office, L.) 

Dollie. [Seizing her arm. ) No, not that ! 

Bertie. Police! Oh me weputationi Wheh's me 
eye-glaws? 

Dollie. [Waving hand toward door'^^ Now clear out, 
both of you, quick, or you'll get the G. B. 

Bertie. Dweadful. (T"*? Blake.) Aw, you mad week- 
less fellah, waising this wow! We'll be wuined. {Pul- 
ling ^i.AK.^ hastily out R., '^ikdv^ glaring at thon. Dollie 
C. , laughing. ) 

Dollie. Well, that's too rich, i^i^vn^ glares at her?) 

Quick Curtain. 

Act III. 

Scene: Club rooms as before. Time.^ next day after Act II, 

Mary. [Discovered as curtain rises.) Alfaretta is very 
negligent of her work lately. There's the flowers for the 
president put away in the corner instead of on the desk, 
as they should be. [Puts flowers on the desk}) The post- 
man is late to-day. Poor. fellow! I wonder if he is 
stuck in the tube again. I wouldn't be shot through 
that tube for anything. Just think of being chucked 
into that pipe and fired a mile between breaths. The 
man always looks us if he were out of breath. They 
say all the carriers have to be hypnotized before they 
go into the tube. I think it's cruel [During this speech 
she is looking at old letters in boxes.) There are letters here 
for a member that's been dead five years. Why didn't 
that party give notice of her demise. [Noise outside.^ L.) 
There's Mack bringing the ice. Dear fellow! My 
heart is all in a flutter. I'll just wait to see if he comes 
in here to speak to me. I know he will. He's blue all 
day if he doesn't see me. Oh, if that terrible Birdie 
Robbins should discover us. I aint a bit afraid of the 
president. If she ever says boo, I'll just ask her how 
the Hon. Brennan de Cork is. Oh, there he comes. 

Enter Mack, Z. 

158 



THE NEW WOiMAN. 27 

Mary. Good morning, Maxie! You are irresistible 
this morning. 

Mack. Hist, Smiley, we maybe overheard. 

Mary, There's no one here. 

Mack. Are you sure? If the club found out, you 
would lose your place and I should be compromised. 
They are so against love-making. 

Mary. Yes, sometimes. 

Mack. What do you mean. Smiley ? 

Mary. Better call me plain Smilax. You are here 
on business, you know. 

Mack. All right, dearie, but what did you mean by 
that sometimes ? 

Mary. Oh, nothing. I know a thing or two. 

Mack. I think my driver suspects me. 

Mary. Yes, she's a jealousy old thing. 

MacK. Do you think that's it? 

Mary. Sure! Get the company to put on a man. 

Mack. Oh, I couldn't think of trying that. They 
might suspect, and if they found out I'd be discharged 
instantly.- It's posted in the rules and in display at 
that: "All male employes are absolutely forbidden to 
receive attentions from women, on pain of instant dis- 
missal." The man has to take all the blame you know. 

Mary, I'l^l protect you, have no fear. 

Mack. {Pleadingly.) Mayn't I name the day? 

Mary. No, not yet. You see, I've a good soft job 
here and I shan't give it up till the last minute. I'm 
savin' money. Now, you'd better go, Maxie. Someone 
might come, you know. {Noise outside^ R.) There, be 
quick. {Snatches kiss. Kiss may be blown if advisable.) 
Ta, ta! 

Mack. {Going L.) Au revoir! 

Mary. Just in time. Some one is coming. 

Enter Hykight, i?. , folloived by members to attend 
Directors' meeting. Buzz of conversation. Miss Hykight 
takes chair., calls meeting to order. Members seated. Buzz 
of conversation. 

Pres. The meeting will come to order! {Nobody 

159 



28 THE NEW WOMAN. 

pays any attention.) Order, ladies! {Sharply.) Order, if 
you please. [Sudden silence.) A special meeting has 
been called to transact very important business. The 
call specifies an emergency and was made at the in- 
stance of Vice-president Robbins. Secretary, are the 
directors all present? 

Sec. [Heads roll.) Hykight, Robbins, Lightfoot, 
Doughflyer, Willie Jones — not present. Is Miss Jones 
in the city, does any one know? 

Daisy. [Rises with solemn demeanor.) Miss President, 
I have an unpleasant duty to perform. [All in attitude 
of expectancy.) I regret to say that Miss Willie Jones 
is no longer worthy to be a member of this club. 

Chorus. Oh! What has she done? Do tell us, 

Daisy. The story of her treachery is soon told. She 
has eloped ! 

Chorus. Good gracious! 

DoLLiE. And so timid! 

Birdie. [Severely.) Timid, indeed! All put on! I 
knew all the time that she'd do something. She's as 
sly as a weasel. I think no motion is necessary to strike 
her name from the roll. 

Pres. [Gravely.) No, that is not necessary. Sec- 
retary, strike Miss Jones' name from the roll. If there 
is no objection I will appoint Miss Dollie Giglette 
director in her place. Now, Miss Robbins, you may 
state the object of the meeting. 

Birdie. Oh, I'm so overcome, I must have a mo- 
ment's time. [Uses smelling bottle.) That horrid, sly, 
deceitful Jones girl has completely upset my nerves. 

DoLLiE. Miss President, I think I can state the 
object of this meeting, if Director Robbins will allow 
me. It's all about two men who get in here accident- 
ally. I think there's a good deal of pother about 
nothing. I advised Robbins to let the whole thing drop. 

Birdie. When such things are overlooked or winked 
at, the days of the Anti-homo Club are numbered, its 
purpose wholly defeated. Dissolution is at hand. 

Dollie. Well, if a little thing like that is going to 
kill it, I say — 

1 60 



THE NEW WOMAN. 29 

Birdie. {Severely.) What does the constitution say ? 

DoLLiE. If you insist, then let us take the matter 
up. One was the ice man who has a yearly permit to 
call once a day between the hours of 9 and 10 a. m. 
The other was a plumber. 

Birdie. I saw the wretch ! He was no plumber. 

DoLLiE. A plumber is what is known as an emer- 
gency man and needs no permit, just as a male doctor 
was once called in to treat a member, in an emergency. 

Birdie. I demand an investigating committee. 
'DoLLiE. Oh, I make no objection if you think it so 
important as that. But emergencies will arise. The 
ice man and the postman can not always be on time. 
As we know, under the new system, the postman is shot 
through the Instantaneous Pneumatic Delivery Com- 
pany's tubes. Only a few days ago the poor fellow 
stuck in the tube owing to his carelessness in dropping 
a peach pit as he entered the chute. Reversing the 
engine only wedged him tighter and he would have 
smothered if one of the professors in charge had not 
thought to fire fresh oxygen balls at him by means of 
the new aluminum, vacuum, weather-report gun. .Now 
they can't shoot a plumber through the tubes because — 

Birdie. I insist this was no plumber. Plumber's 
don't wear eye-glasses. I found his on the floor. 
[Produces glass. "Ohs" by members.) 

Pres. Suppose we call Mary. [Fulls bell.) 
'Daisy. We might as well go to the bottom of the 
matter. It's sure to get into the papers now. 

Birdie. Yes, thanks to the indifference of the Public 
Censor, Adelaide Witherspoon. 

Enter Mary, L. 

Pres. Mary, have you seen any men in the club 
rooms? 

Mary. Only the licensed ones. 

Birdie. (Severely.) Smilax, do you ever examine 
their licenses? 

Mary. Why no! I know them all. 

II 161 



30 THE NEW WOMAN. 

Birdie. How careless! Now tell me plainly, have 
you seen anything here that didn't look right? 

Mary. {Confused.) Why, I — that is — 

DoLLiE. Robbins, had you not better leave all this 
to the investigating committee? 

Birdie. Let the president name it then. 

Pres. I name the president, the secretary and Miss 
DoUie Giglette. 

Birdie. I'll have no whitewashing, 

Pres. (Sternly.) Is this a reflection on the chair 
and the committee? 

Birdie. I make no charges. I only demand my 
rights. As the one making the motion, custom demands 
that I be named on the committee. Add Doughflyer. 
Doughflyer has the best interests of the club at heart. 

Daisy. I shall try to act in this grave matter as 
would become my illustrious ancestors the Du Fays 
who came over with the Normans. 

DoLLiE. Oh, I'm a Norman, too. 

Pres. We are making much of a trivial matter. 

Birdie. You will find it not so trivial before we get 
to the bottom. Smilax, tell me plainly, did you see 
a plumber in the club rooms yesterday? 

Mary. I? Goodness, no! 

Birdie. Did you see a dude? 

Mary. (TIwows up hands.) Laws a me, no! 

Birdie. Well, I did, and so did Giglette. With 
him was another person, a fine-looking person I regret 
to say, who evidently had no business here. 

Daisy. A dude! Shocking! A plumber is bad 
enough but a dude — Let the investigation proceed. 

Sec (Starting uneasily.) Miss President, I decline 
to serve on that committee. In fact, I have an im- 
portant communication to make and deem this an 
opportune time. I hereby resign my office and my 
membership in the club. (''Oh's" as before.) 

Pres. {Solemnly.) This investigation apparently is 
about to assume a personal tone, which I deprecate and 
can not countenance. I also resign rather than be a 
party to such an inquisition. {Rises, vacates chair, comes 

163 



THE NEW WOMAN, 



31 



down C. Sensation '*oh's, " "Did you ever," etc.) And I 
don't mind saying further, since certain persons are so 
inquisitive, that Chief of Police, Brennan de Cork has 
consented to change his name soon to Hykight. {^Sen- 
saiion as before. ) 

DoLLiE. Congratulations, old chap! 

Sec. [Rises and comes out from desk.) And Mr. Blake 
of the gas company has at last consented to become 
Mr. Blake-Lighifoot. I've saved enough for two. 

DoLLiE. Shake, old chap! {Groans, others buzz.) 

Mary. And, if you please, ladies, I give notice. 
Next month I lead Mr. Mack to the altar. (Excitement.) 

Birdie. And you too, Smilax! Since you were a 
tiny waif, this club has been your mother and has 
watched over you. We taught you to be a new woman, 
and this is our reward. 

Mary. Oh, please, Miss Robbins, I respect you 
greatly, and I do love the club dearly [sighs), but I love 
dear Mack more. I just couldn't help it, [Cries with 
face in apron. ) 

Birdie. There's nothing to do but close the doors. 
The club is dead. [IVipes eyes.) 

DoLLiE. [Crosses R. C, takes ^\^Vi\Y.'''=, hand.) Cheer 
up, Robbins, cheer up. You are not a marrying woman. 
I value freedom too much to surrender it. And there's 
Doughflyer, she'll stick by us. She has principles — 
and a na7ne. We'll go on as before. 

Birdie. The mischief is done. 

DoLLiE. W^e'll reorganize if necessary. [She leads 
Birdie doivn C, dress stage.) 

Birdie. [Sadly.) No, we never can survive this dis- 
aster. The old woman will laugh at the new, and 
ridicule kills. The club is dead. The finger of progress 
goes back on the dial of time at least a century. Good- 
bye dear, old club, the scene of my busiest, happiest, 
hours. Good-bye forever. 

R. PinkT., Rosa, Birdie, Dollie, Daisy, Mary. Z. 

Curtain. 



163 



ONLY COLD TEA 



A TEMPERANCE FARCE 



By T. S. DENISON 



Author of 

Odds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A 
Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, 
Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The PuU-Back, Country Jus- 
tice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen 
Peddler, The School Ma'am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, 
Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, 
The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, 
Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O'Wang, Re- 
jected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P's Beauty Parlors, Topp's 
Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It's all in the Pay-Streak, 
The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues. 

Also the Novels, 

The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc. 



CHICAGO: 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street. 



ONLY COLD TEA. 



ONLY COLD TEA. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Bob Slightly, fond of a drop, 

Dick Plyer, friend of Bob's, '-'takes the same." 

Dr. Gagg, who knows what ails a person. 

Mrs. Slightly, who drinks tea. 

Alice, her sister, admired by Bob. 

Mrs. Neverdun, who does not know when to go. 



Time of Playing^ twenty viinutes. 



PROPERTIES. 

Bottles with labels and cold tea, hand-satchel for 
doctor, books, bottle of smelling salts, cane for Dick. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage; C, center; R, C, 
right center; Z. , left; i E.\ first entrance; U. E.^ 
upper entrance, etc. ; D. F.^ door in flat or back of the 
stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON. 



166 



ONLY COLD TEA. 



Scene — Slightly s Parlor. Doors Right and Left. May 
have door at only one side, and one back, or only one door, 
if no better can be done. Sofa, table ^ chairs, etc. , to taste. 
Discovered, Mrs. S. , and Alice, as curtain I'ises, seated 
by table C. 

Mrs. S. Alice, I'm afraid Dick Plyer takes a little 
too much wine, 

Alice. I begin to think so myself. At that dinner 
at the Brown's he came pretty near making a show of 
himself. 

Mrs. S. Go slow, Alice, don't get too fond of him. 

Alice. Leave that to me. I am decided on one thing 
and that is I shall never marry a tippler. There may 
be enough trouble in the family already. 

Mrs. S. Sister, what do you mean by that, neither 
of our brothers drinks. 

Alice. No, thank heaven, but you don't have to go 
so far as that. 

Mrs. S. [Jumps up, drops her work.) Alice, what do 
you mean ? 

Alice. I mean your husband, Mr. Bob Slightly. 

Mrs. S. Alice, this is unkind of you. Robert never 
was intoxicated in his life. He says so himself. 

Alice. Before long he may not be able to say that. 
Sister, you don't hear what people say, as I do. 

Mrs. S. [Distressed) Alice, what do they say ? 

Alice. Well, they say that since Mr. Bob Slightly's 
old chum, Dick Plyer, has returned from the west, that 
both are taking a great deal more liquor than is good 
for them. 

Mrs. S. But Robert is so kind and so good natured 
he can't refuse, and his business requires it, you know. 

167 



4 ONLY COLD TEA. 

Alice. I know it doesn't. How does brother John 
get along in the same business, without constant treat- 
ing? 

Mrs. S. But Robert never was drunk in his life. 
He has often told me so. He never told me a lie yet. 

Alice. But he forgets that he has a liking for it, and 
that his appetite will grow. 

Mrs. S. Alice, you alarm me,this is dreadful. Oh, 
anything but a drunkard! But why do you encourage 
Dick Plyer, if he is so dangerous? 

Alice. Encourage him! I never encouraged him. 
I wanted to be sure of his character, and now that I 
know his weakness I shall decline his company. 

Mrs. S. But what can I do for poor Bob? 

Alice. Take the wine off your own table. 

Mrs. S. I never thought of that. But then Robert 
wishes it. It is necessary for his digestion he says. 

Alice. If put to the test which would he prefer? 
You or the wine? 

Mrs. S. Oh me, of course. He is so fond of me. 

Alice. That is what all wives say. Listen to me. 
Dick Plyer has written me a note that he will call this 
very evening. He'll come up with Bob and you will 
set out refreshments. The men will make a pretense 
of eating, but they v/ill drink a great deal more. For 
some men the word refreshments means drink. They 
don't care a snap about the eating. 

Mrs. S. Oh goodness! I've noticed some men eat 
enough for a family. 

Alice. Take my advice and observe them closely. 

Mrs. S. But what can I do ? 

Alice. I have a plan. To show your husband the 
effects of intoxication in its true light just get drunk 
yourself. 

Mrs. S. {Surprised.) I get drunk! Horrors! Alice, 
are you crazy ? 

Alice. Not a bit of it. That'll teach him a lesson 
he won't forget soon. 

Mrs. S. {Decidedly.) I shan't do it, that would be 
disgraceful. 

i68 



ONLY COLD TEA. 5 

Alice. {Laug/is.) Just pretend, you goose. Did you 
think I wanted you to march down the middle of Broad 
street swinging your hat and singing "We wont go 
home till morning?" 

Mrs. S. You are ridiculous. 

Alice. Seriously, try it. 

Mrs. S. When? 

Alice. Now, this very evening. 

Mrs. S. It would be a great joke. But I can't act 
a part as you can. 

Alice. Oh, it's easy. Just stagger a little and look 
silly and say idiotic things. You've seen men drunk. 

Mrs. S, Do you think Robert would get angry ? 

Alice. He might, but it'll set him to thinking. Of 
course he mustn't find out the trick. 

Mrs. S. I'll do it just for a lark, all to ourselves. 

Alice. It'll be a capital joke. I'll pretend not to 
know what ails you. 

Mrs. S. How shall we proceed? Robert will be 
home pretty soon to take his bicycle ride before dinner. 

Alice. I'll fill a wine bottle with cold tea and put 
glasses on the table. [Exit L. for things.^ 

Mrs. S. Alice is so full of mischief. I'm afraid I 
can't do it right. I'll have to stagger and hiccup I 
suppose and be quarrelsome. That is the way drunken 
men always act in plays. 

Re-enter Alice with two bottles and glasses^ L. 

Alice. [Looking at label.) "Veuve Clicquot." How's 
that? 

Mrs. S. Goodness, he'll think I've been drinking 
champagne. 

Alice. So much the better. Muss up your hair. 
Look silly. [Musses Mrs. S.'s hair.) 

Mrs. S. Oh, Alice, I can't do it. 

Alice. Yes you can. [Noise outside^ R.) There he 
comes. Sing a song! [Spills liquid on table. Alice 
seated L. takes book aitd pretends to read. ) 

Mrs. S. Poor Bob! it'll be such a shock! 

Enter Bob gaily^ R. 
169 



6 ONLY COLD TEA. 

Bob. Hello Pussie, I'm home early, you see. (Notices 
her.) Why Puss, what ails you? (Alaj-med.) Another 
spell, dear? 

Mrs. S. Oh, Bob! you dear old — goodness me. (^Stag- 
gers to sofa and buries her face in the ctishions. ) 

Bob, (Alarmed.) Why, she is sick! Alice, what ails 
her? — why didn't you telephone for me? 

Mrs. S. (In changed voice.) Bob, you're a trump! 

Bob. Oh, she's out of her head! 

Alice. (Reading. ) I guess not. 

Bob. I say she is very sick. (Feels his wife's pulse.) 
She's in a fever ! How long has she been taken ? (^Petu- 
lantly.) Why do you sit there so unconcernedly. Puss — 
Puss. When was she taken ? 

Alice. (Readi?2g.) Oh, I found her that way when 
I came in. She said she wasn't sick. 

Bob. But don't you see she is sick? Can't you do 
something? 

Alice. (Reading.) Do something yourself. She's 
your wife. 

Bob. Heartless creature ! put that book away. (Snatches 
book away from A., and flings it out L.) 

Alice. (Jumping up.) That's manners, Mr. Slightly ! 

Bob. (Dancing around excitedly.) Do something, for 
heaven's sake. She's in a high fever, she'll faint. (Mrs. 
^.groans.) Get the salts, quick! You stand like a 
post. Rub her hands. Darts out L. saying) I'll call Dr. 
Gagg. ( Women do not hear this. ) 

Alice. (Going to Mrs. S. ) Get up you ninny, you 
are not half playing it. 

Mrs. S. (Laughing.) Poor Bob, it is too bad, it dis- 
tresses him. I can't do it right. 

Alice. Well, I could. Sing, dance! 

Mrs. S. Why Alice, you shock me! 

Alice. Then upset the table, break something, stag- 
ger. (Mrs, S. staggers round room. Flings a book across 
the room.) That's it, throw something at his head. 

Mrs. S. I'll upset the table! 

Alice. Do it! 

Enter Mrs. Neverdun, R. 



ONLY COLD TEA. 7 

Mrs. N. I've been ringing half an hour! (Alice 
and Mrs. S, so- earn in chorus^ Mrs. S. falls on sofa as 
before. ) 

Alice. {Aside.) That horrid Mrs. Neverdun! 

Mrs. N. Dear me! Is she sick? 

Alice. Yes, one of her fainting spells! Call some 
one please, quick! {Rubs Mr?,. S.'s /lands.) 

Mrs. N. (Doiiin front, looks at bottles^ sniffs suspiciously.) 
Well I never! Them bottles looks awful suspicious. 
This is pretty goins-on for respectable people. 

Alice. {Busy ivorki??g with Mr^. S.) Oh, Mrs. Never- 
dun, please do something. The salts are on the side- 
board. Call Mr. Slightly. 

Mrs. N. {Down front.) She's drunk! Champagne, 
too! That's a matter for the church. I s'pose I'll have 
to testify. 

Alice. {Coming down.) Mrs. Neverdun, don't let her 
fall. Go to her. (Mrs. N. goes to Mrs. S.) 

Mrs. N. I guess she aint very bad! 

Alice. I'll call Robert. {As she goes L^ sweeps bot- 
tles off table .^ o?ie in each hand., leaves glasses., runs out L. 
Mrs. S. gets up angrily. ) 

Mrs. N. Don't excite yourself, dearie! 

Mrs. S. Hold your tongue, woman! 

Mrs. N. Laws a me! She's gittin'sassy,jist like a man ! 

Mrs. S. I wont be insulted in my own house! 

Mrs. N. Dearmesuz! Who's insultin' you, I'd like 
to know? 

Mrs. S. You are, you know it, too! 

Mrs. N. Highty tighty, that's the best proof in the 
world of your condition. You are a real nice lady 
when ye're sober. 

Mrs. S. {With scorn ) Do you mean to say, Mrs. 
Neverdun, that I am not sober? You are a gossip! 

Mrs. N. Oh, don't go a callin' names. I aint a 
callin' any. 

Mrs. S. Oh dear, it'll be all over town before night. 

Mrs. N. An' s'posin' it is? What kin women expect 
that goes an' gits full o' that nasty champagne. An' it 
goes right to the head, too, an' stays there. 

171 



S ONLY COLD TEA. 

Mrs. S. How do you know ? 

Mrs. N. Bob Slightly has had enough experience to 
tell his wife better. 

Mrs. S. Oh, Mrs. Neverdun, don't speak that way. 
You are mistaken, I can explain it all, 

Mrs. N. I aint askin' no explanations. 

Mrs. S. Please say nothing about this. I've been 
foolish. Be my friend, will you? 

Mrs. N. Good land, haint I always been yer friend? 
I haint an enemy in the world as I knows of. An haint 
I been active in the sewin' society an' didn't I give 
them as nice refreshments as anybuddy ? If I am 
nobuddy but Ole Missus Neverdun, aint I as good as 
the best of 'em [Gets voluble, talking faster and fastet'.) 
I aint no fool, I kin tell ye. 

Mrs. S. Yes, but — 

Mrs. N. I don't care a tuppence fur their talk. My 
tea an' my coffee an' my doughnuts aint beat nowhere. 

Mrs. S. Yes, but I^— 

Mrs. N. I don't care a rap. Mrs. Hartley wears di- 
mons and lace and she sets a mighty poor table, an' I 
aint afraid to tell her so. They all eat at my house till 
I thought they'd bust. (Mrs. S. /^//-^/^j.) You kin laugh 
Mrs. Slighty, but I won't be put on. {More a?id niore 
excited.) An' I'll have my say when it comes to that. 
Sallie Neverdun aint the kind to be put on an say 
nothin'. 

Mrs. S. But Mrs. Neverdun — 

Mrs. N. I aint castin' no reflections on your table, 
fur it was bang up, an' I sez right there, to Marier Wil- 
kins, sez I, "this layout beats Mrs. Hartley's with her 
dimons an' her kerridges an' she — 

Mrs. S. {In despair. ) But, Mrs. Neverdun, haven't I 
always been your friend ? 

Mrs. N. I've nothin' agin you, Mrs. Slightly. 
Haven't I just said that many's a time ? I said to Marier 
Wilkins that your table beat Mrs, Hartley's all holler, 
with her dimons an' two niggers to dish salat an' turn 
coffee. Why, her salat — 

Mrs. S. {Excitedly. ) But Mrs. Neverdun— 

172 



ONLY COLD TEA. 



Mrs. N. There! it's goin' to her head agin. Lay 
down a spell. 

Mrs. S. Goodness! do let me say a word. 

Mrs. N. An' haint ye been talkin' all the time, I'd 
like to know! 

Mrs. S. Please don't say a word of what happened 
here this afternoon. I can explain it all. 

Mrs. N. I aint askin' no explanations, I tell ye. 
Everybody must think Sallie Neverdun is an inimyc/* 
mankind goin' round devowerin'. The whole town 
knows I wouldn't harm a worm o' the arth. Buts'posin' 
it gits out an' the church hauls me up as a witness, I 
reckon they'd make me tell. 

Mrs. S. I've made a pretty mess of things. {Calls. ) 
Robert! Alice! Where can they be ? {Going L.^ meets 
Alice entering. ) 

Alice. {Aside.) Get rid of her. 

Mrs. S. Hist, we must explain all. {They turn C. 
toivards Mrs. N. ) Where is Robert? 

Alice. I don't know. The cook says he went tear- 
ing down the street bare-headed. 

Mrs. N. No wonder he's tearin' round. It's enough 
to make any man tear round! 

Alice. {To Mrs. N.) Go and look for Bob. 

Mrs. S. Oh goodness, what shall I do? 
• Mrs. N. Don't excite her, young woman! Lie down, 
dearie. 

Mrs. S. {Indignantly.) I am. perfectly well. 

Mrs. N. Indeed you are not, you are dreadfully 
flushed! Are ye sick at the stummick? You must lie 
down. (Zm^j' Mrs. S., resisting, to sofa.) Alice, arrange 
the cushions, {Just as they get her comfortably located. 

Enter hastily R ., Slightly followed by Dr. Gagg. Lat- 
ter puts pill bag on table and goes to patient. 

Alice. {Aside.) Now the fat's in the fire. 

Bob. Are you better, darling? 

Mrs. S. {Faintly.) I think so. 1 didn't need Dr. 
Gagg, dear. 

Dr. Nothing like precaution, madam. {Feels her 
pulse.) Some fever. Any vertigo? 

171 



lO ONLY COLD TEA. 

Mrs. S. {Faintly.) Yes. 

Dr. Mr. Slightly, your wife's nerves are unstrung! 

Mrs. N. Well, I should think so. 

Dr. She must have quiet. She'll be all right to- 
morrow. 

Mrs. N. {Aside.) Knowed that much myself. 

Bob. {Anxiously.) What is the matter, doctor ? 

Dr. Old complaint with complications. (Mrs, S. 
throivs up her hands unnoticed by Dr. ) Her nerves are un 
strung. Observe the abnormal action of the levator 
labise superioris, the orbicularis oris and the levator 
palpebrarum. 

Mrs. N. Land o' rest! jist hear that! 

Dr. I think there is a slight difficulty, too, in the 
decussation of the medulla oblongata which has estab- 
lished a sympathetic action with the solar plexus and 
the pneumogastricus. 

Mrs. N. Say, Dr. Gagg, what does all that rigma- 
role mean? hysterics? 

Dr. {Glaring at her.) The science of medicine, 
madam, has made many advances since you were a child. 

Mrs. N. Ye don't say! An' I s'pose it'll keep on a- 
dancin' till a doctor knows when a person's — {ivarning 
gesture from Mrs. S. ) 

Dr. {Aside to ^o^.) That woman is exciting your 
wife. Get rid of her. 

Bob. How the what can I do with her? 

Enter Dick Plyer, gaily.^ R. 

Dick. I say, old boy, I was just going past — {Sees 
Mrs. S.) I beg pardon. Is Mrs. Slightly indisposed? 

Bob. Only a slight nerve attack. 

Dick. I'm very sorry if I disturb her. 

Mrs. S. It is nothing at all. I am glad to see you, 
Mr. Plyer. Alice, please show Dick a chair. {Gives 
Alice kftowing look. ) 

Alice. Take this seat, Mr. Plyer. ( Then goes and 
whispers to Mrs. S.) 

Bob. I say. Dick, wont you go into the smoking 
room? I'll join you as soon as I can leave my wife, 

174 



ONLY COLD TEA. II 

Dick. Oh, certainly, I'm awful sorry! Can't I be 
of any use ? 

Dr. Just one moment, Mr. Slightly, Take this pre- 
scription to be filled at once ! Make haste ! Dose every 
half hour, till patient finds relief. Miss Alice, wet a 
cloth with vinegar and place it on her forehead. The 
solar plexus is dangerously disturbed. 

Mrs. N. That's an anatomy I never heerd tell of. 

Alice. Robert, I wish to speak with you, if Mr. 
Plyer will step into the smoking room meanwhile. 

Dick. Certainly! At your service. (Bows politely^ 
exit D. F.) 

Bob. [Going with K., L.) Excuse me a moment. Dr. 

Dr. {To Mrs. N.) A word with you, madam . {They 
come down C. so Mrs. S. can not hear. ) You appear for 
some reason to excite the patient. You had better go 
at once. 

Mrs. N. Oh, I kin take a hint. 

Dr. I mean for her sake, you know. 

Mrs. N. You needn't palaver. What ails her? 

Dr. {Mysteriously.') A very strange case, madam. 
Very strange. It would baffle the skill of a young prac- 
titioner. The eye of science madam — 

Mrs. N. I 'low it takes the eye o' science to see 
through a grindstone when there aint no hole in it. 

Dr. {Pleased.') Exactly! I've had in my lifetime 
just three such cases, all since la grippe came. I may 
say, in fact, that I have discovered a new disease. 

Mrs. N. Doctor Gagg, you are a wise man. {He 
bows and looks puzzled. ) 

Dr. a compliment madam? 

Mrs. N. Nonsense! Did you smell her breath ? 

Dr. {Surprised.) I, no indeed! Why should I? 

Mrs. N. You've made a fool of yourself. She's 
drunk, that's all! 

Dr. {Excitedly.) A fool! Drunk! Why madam, 
this is scandalous. 

Mrs. N. Oh, keep cool. You'll get well paid to say 
nothin'. But didn't I see the bottles on the table? 

• Dr. But it is impossible. 

175 



12 ONLY COLD TEA. 

Mrs. N. Didn't I see her stagger? If you don't 
b'lieve, look at the puddles of wine on the table. 
Smell it. 

Dr. i^Puts finger in liquid spilled^ smells. ) True ! Why, 
this is an insult to my profession. 

Enter Bob, folloivedhy Dick and Alice, 

Bob. Dr. Gagg, I wish a word in the smoking room. 

Dr. {^Indignantly.^ I have a word, too, sir. You 
have insulted my profession, sir. 

Bob. But hold, I'll explain. 

Dr. I'll not hold. I am the victim of a hoax. Your 
wife is not sick at all. 

Bob. (Nettled.) Why didn't you find that out at 
first, then ? 

Enter Dick. 

Dick. Yes, the eye of science, solar plexus, vinegar 
and water, etc. {laughs). That's great stuff. There's 
nothing like science. 

Dr. You are offensive, sir. I'll have nothing to say 
X.0 you. (T'^Bob. ) Now, Mr. Slightly, your conduct 
is most inexcusable. 

Bob. But I'm trying to explain that it was all a 
little joke between my wife and her sister. She was 
only pretending. 

Dr. {Pompously.') And I am to be the victim of 
other people's jokes. You shall pay for this, sir. 

Bob. Send in your bill. 

Dr. Bill! Who cares for the paltry feel My pro- 
fessional feelings have been outraged. The profession 
is not to be trifled with. Mr. Slightly, I've a mind to 
sue you for damages. 

Bob. a fig for your dignity! 

Mrs. S. Oh, Robert! 

Dick. Let him sue. Get me on the jury. 

Dr. ( Taking up pill bag angrily. ) I shall consult my 
attorney at once. 

Bob. Save the trouble and the fee! Let lawyers 
alone! Make your bill as large as you please. I pre- 
fer to be plucked by one man rather than by two. 

176 



ONLY COLD TEA. I3 

Your professional dignity will at least insure silence. 

Dr. {Growling.') Humph! J/)' feelings are nothing! 
{To Mrs. N.) Madam, let me say to you that you are 
a meddling old fool ! 

Mrs. N. Dr. Gagg, while ye're at it say there's a 
pair of us. Bob Slightly may pull the wool over your 
eyes, but he can't fool me. Didn't I see champagne 
bottles, and didn't I. see her stagger, an' didn't — 

Mrs. S. Mrs. Neverdun, this is too much — 

Bob. Easy my dear ! {Restrains her. ) 

Alice. (71? Dick.) Oh,Mr.Plyer, can't you do some- 
thing? 

Dick. {Bowing politely.) I'll try. {Steps forivard to 
Mrs. V(.^ good humoredly.') Mrs. Neverdun, let me say a 
word. I've always maintained that you can set a better 
table any day than Mrs. Hartley. 

Mrs. N. Well, I should say! 

Dick. Now, when I stand up for people I want them 
to stand up for me. 

Mrs. N. Them's my principles! 

Dick. Now, I can clear this matter up in just a min- 
ute. Miss Alice, bring in those bottles and glasses. 
{Alice goes L.) We'll clear up this mystery in short or- 
der. I guess I've seen enough of champagne to know 
it when I see it. 

Mrs. N. Dear me suz, I reckon nobody'll deny that. 

Re-enter Alice with bottles. 

Dick. {Takes bottle pours out liquid.) Now this is only 
cold tea. Smell it, Dr. Gagg, smell it, Mrs. Neverdun. 
{They smell.) Look! there's a tea leaf in it. If any 
body wants to smell the table do so. 

Mrs. N. Well I vum! 

Bob. (Tt^MRs. S.) Dick's a trump! 

Dick. Now mum's the word all round. Just a little 
joke of the ladies. 

Mrs. N. Good land, I aint a tellin' anything! 

Dick. It must be quits, is mum the word? 

Bob. My dear, what a lesson, I'll never touch another 
drop. 

12 177 



14 ONLY COLD TEA. 

Mrs. S. Oh, you dear Bob. {^Puts arm in Ms.) 

Dick. Mrs. Neverdun, I still stick up for your table. 
{Dress stage, Dr. angry, R., Mrs. N., Dick down C , 
Alice Z. , Mr. and Mrs. S. arm in arm by table.) 

Mrs. N. I reckon you will. It's the best in town. 

Dick. I am going to Mrs Hartley's to dinner next 
Wednesday, and — 

Mrs. N. Land 'o Goshen! Then jist come to my 
house Thursday an' I'll show ye a dinner 'at'll be a 
dinner. What do I care for Mrs. Hartley an' her ker- 
ridge an' dimons an' fiddle faddle — 

Quick Curtain, while Mrs. N. is talking. 



178 



A FIRST-CLASS HOTEL 



A FARCE 



By T. S. DENISON 



Atdhor of 

Odds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A 
Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, 
Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Coun'ry Jus- 
tice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen 
Peddler, The School Ma'am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, 
Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, 
The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, 
Is the Editor In? The New Woman. Patsy O'Wang. Re- 
jected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P's Beauty Parlors. Topp's 
Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It's all in the Pay-Streak, 
The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues. 

Also the Novels, 

The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc. 



CHICAGO : 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street. 



A FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. 



CHARACTERS. 

Landlord. 

Bulger, a drummer. 

Leggatt, a literary man. 

ScHNELL, of the firm of Schnell & Augenblick. 



Time of playing^ twenty minutes. 



PROPERTIES. 



Pistol, valise, cane, pipe, book, empty bottles, box of 
pills, candles in candlesticks, crash bag. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage C, center; R. C , 
right center; Z., left; i E.^ first entrance; U. E.^ 
upper entrance, etc. ; D. F.^ door in flat or back of the 
stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



Note — The rapid action in this play requires care- 
ful rehearsal and strict attention to cues. In. many 
cases the least drag will spoil the effect. The boy who 
does the caterwauling must be always ready the instant 
he gets his cue from the prompter. He must be able 
to produce the effect of two cats and should make the 
audience hear distinctly. 

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON. 




Closet 



ZZD O [^ 

Cot Chair Stand 




180 



A FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. 



ScENE^^ — Bed 7'oom^ Hvo cots, one up R. C. by flat, other by 
wall, down L. j table near head of last, with books, pis- 
tol, pipe, etc; wash-statid against flat, L. C.j wi?idow in 
flat, L. J (or a door anywhere at L. can be made to serve 
for make-believe window by hanging a curtain. ) As cur- 
tain rises, Leggatt in bed, apparently asleep, vest hang- 
ing on chair at head of bed, pantaloons and coat on wall. 

Enter Landlord ^;/^ Bulger, R., Landlord ^d^r/^- 
ing candle and Bulger's valise. Lights low. 

Landlord. This is the very best I can do, Mr. Bul- 
ger. 

' Bulger. Hang it all, I believe I'll go over to the 
Eagle. 

Land. Hist! {I.ooks toward \jY.qq,k'y\:.') You'll wake 
him. No use to go to the Eagle. All full there. It's 
County Fair, you know. 

Bulger. Hang the fair! Landlord, this is noway 
to treat an old customer. This is a one-horse town any- 
way. 

Land. [In low voice.) Very sorry, Mr. Bulger, but I 
didn't make the town. It's the best I can do. [Looks 
toivard Leggatt.) Mr. Leggatt's a very nice quiet gen- 
tleman. [Confidentially.') Why, he's a littery man! 

Bulger. Confound literature! It aint in it with 
trade. 

Land. Quite right, but it's got to be humored same 
as other things. He's as quiet as a lamb if you don't 
wake him. 

Bulger. [Suspiciously.) Hum! And if he wakes? 

Land. He's kind o'restless. He may walk the floor. 

Bulger. [Growling.) Indeed! Let him try it. 

i8i 



4 FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. 

Land, [Hajid on^.'s ar?n.) Quiet now. You may 
wake him. Good night, sir. [Leaves candle on stand. 
Exit R. softly. ) 

Bulger. [Hangs coat 07i rack., goes to closet door, looks 
in.) What's this? A two by three closet. (Sits and 
takes off boots.) I'll put my things in the closet, though I 
don't suppose this one-horse town can afford even a 
burglar. I'll strike this town from my list. Such a 
snide hotel isn't to be found this side the Mississippi 
river, [Goes in closet. Leg. tiams inbedandniidtersin his 
sleep. Caterwauling i?i alley. Boy outside up L. does this. ) 

Re-enter Bulger, inpajama or colored night robe. Ex- 
amines sheets. 

Bulger. Damp, as usual! I'll catch my death of 
cold. I always get a cold in this town. The place is 
so slow, that's the only thing people can catch. [Rings 
bell by door R.) I'll have the sheets changed, if I have 
to rouse every chambermaid in the house, [Sits and 
opens valise.) I'll take a liver pill while I think of it. 
Always have to take a liver pill in this town. It's so 
slow that a man's liver stops business. I am catching 
cold already. If I sneeze I'll wake him, [Business of 
suppressing sneeze.) There's a draft somewhere, [Tip- 
toes to 7vindow. Leggatt turns and mutters in his sleep. 
B, stops.) I'll wake his literary nibbs, sure, [lories 
windoiv.) Wide open and stuck fast; windows always 
stick in this town. When they are up they stay up, 
when they are down they stay down. And that old hay- 
seed actually calls this a first-class hotel. He amuses 
me. [Sets candle on chair.) Confound that bell. [Pushes 
it again several times.) I guess I'll smoke while I am 
waiting, [Goes to get pipe out of coat pocket.) Where's 
that pipe? [Pulls coat with impatience, i-ack conies down 
with a clatter aftd coat savings round and knocks candle to 
floor, putting it out. B, darts to his bed and gets in.) 

Leggatt. [Rising to sitting posture.) What's that? 
Who's there? Heh ? A burglar! I'll shoot, you rascal ! 
[Attempts to pull out draiver of his table to find pistol. 
Draiver sticks and his books and everything go clatter to floor. ) 

1S2 



FIRST CLASS HOTEL. 5 

Bulger. i^Alarmcd.^ Don't shoot! Don't! It's 
only me! 

Leg G ATT. (Excited) AVho's me? (Feeling for the 
matcJics.') Blow it, where's that infernal candle ? I'll 
have to get up, 

Bulger. Don't get up! It's all an accident. 

Leggatt. Who the deuce are you, anyway? 

Bulger. (Strikes match.) I'm a guest of this beastly 
hotel, if its victims may be called by so genteel a term 
as guest. 

Leggatt. (Sitting i/p.) A guest! I don't like that. 

Bulger. (Nettled. ) Neither do I. 

Leggatt. You've disturbed me and now I'll have a 
night of it, 

Bulger. I'm very sorry indeed! 

Leggatt. So am I. 

Bulger. (J Vith surprise.) Sir, I apologized. 

Leggatt. Confound your apology! I was sound 
asleep. 

Bulger. You are a nice roommate. The landlord 
was right when he said you were. 

Leggatt. I beg your pardon, stranger. I wasn't 
quite polite. 

Bulger. Don't mention it. My name is Bulger. 

Leggatt. And mine is Leggatt. (B, crosses and they 
shake. ) 

Bulger. I'm very sorry I disturbed you. I had 
just rung the bell and was waiting. 

Leggatt. That bell hasn't been connected with the 
office for a year. 

Bulger. Oh, what a hotel ! 

Leggatt. When I want anything I just throw a pop 
bottle down to the right. (Motions.) It'll break at the 
office door and rouse the landlord. 

Bulger. By George! It takes a literary man, after 
all, for ideas. 

Leggatt. You'll find some empty pop bottles in the 
closet. I keep them for that purpose — and the cats. 

Bulger. (Gets bottle.) I'll try it. Did you say to 
the right ? 

183 



6 FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. 

Leggatt. Yes, you can see the glass door if you 
look out. Hit the pavement so the bottle will crash. 
(Bulger throws out of window^ tremendous crash.) 

Bulger. What a crash for one bottle. I guess that 
will fetch him, 

Leggatt. Now you have done it. 

Bulger. Done what? 

Leggatt. You've broken the glass of the hot bed 
and the tomato plants will all freeze. You threw the 
wrong way. 

Bulger, You said to the right. 

Leggatt. I meant to my right, 

Bulger. (Provoked.) Well, I'll be everlastingly — 

Leggatt. Hold on, Mr. Bulger, it isn't worth swear- 
ing about. It's of no consequence. We shall have to 
wait a month longer for tomatoes, that's all. 

Bulger. I'm very sorry, Mr. Leggatt. I'll turn in 
now and risk the damp sheets, I hope you will sleep. 
{Gets in bed.) 

Leggatt. But I won't. I'm in for a night of it. 

Bulger. What is the cause of your insomnia? 

Leggatt. My book! 

Bulger. Keep away from the races , why don't you ? 

Leggatt. I don't mean that kind of a book. It is 
the great novel I am writing. It is killing me. 

Bulger. {Btozus out his candle.) Ah! When are you 
going to die ? 

Leggatt. (Testily.) Die! I'm not going to die. 

Bulger. (Sleepily.) You'll make a long job of it in 
this town, it's so slow. 

Leggatt, But I'm not here for that purpose, I say. 
What is your line, by the way? 

Bulger. (Murmurs?) Line — cheapestway — I'll ship 
your goods by Blue Line, same as before. 

Leggatt, Blue Line! Are you drunk? (Pause.) 
Hang it he's asleep. I wish I could go to sleep like 
that. I envy a drummer, (Bloivs out candle^ lies douni 
and covers iip; caterwauling outside ) That infernal cat 
again! (Turns over ivith nervous motion of sleepless man 
and settles down. All still for say i^ seconds. B, begiiis to 

184 



FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. 7 

snore loudly. Leggatt sits up again, angrily. ") That 
settles it! I shant sleep a wink to-night. I'll read, I 
guess. (Lights candle.) Where is that book? [Dex- 
trously fishes book toward him by means of a cane which 
stands at bedside, lays cane across table. Begins to read — 
any book — gets interested, makes comments.) This book is 
simply drivel, such character drawing. There are no 
great novelists anymore except myself and^ Tolstoi. 
(Reads paragraph.) That fellow has a wretched style. 
His cacophony is terrible. The true test of good writ- 
ing is to read it aloud. (Reads aloud. B. rolls over as 
if about to wake.) All stuff, the poorest kind of slush. 
I can't stand any more of that. ( Throws book on table and 
accidentally knocks cane on floor with a rattle.) 

Bulger. (Starts up and sits in bed.') What was that? 
Heh? (No reply.) Leggatt? 

Leggatt. Only my cane, sir. I'm very sorry. 

Bulger. So am I. 

Leggatt. Ah, then we agree. Will you join me in 
a pipe since you are awake? 

Bulger. A pipe at midnight! Well, you are cool! 

Leggatt. No, I'm not. I am on the contrary 
slightly feverish. 

Bulger. Your proposition is cool enough. Smoke 
at this hour! 

Leggatt. I find it soothing. I cultivate repose 
of mind. It isn't what we are, you know, in this world 
but how we like the situation. To like what we can't 
mend is the true philosophy. 

Bulger. Philosophy be blowed! This is a situation 
that I don't like. 

Leggatt. I can't say that I actually enjoy it but 
since — (Caterwauling outside.) 

Bulger, (Gets up angrily ) Oh those infernal cats. 
I'd like to murder every cat in creation. 

Leggatt. Kindly throw a pop bottle. Straight 
ahead this time over the shed, 

Bulger. (Snorting.) Throw it yourself. 

Leggatt. (Coolly.) It was only a suggestion to be 
acted on or not at your discretion. 

185 



8 FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. 

Bulger. I'd as soon have a room over a boiler shop 
as in this infernal little hotel. First-class — oh, what a 
liar this landlord is. 

Leggatt. My dear sir, your attitude toward Boniface 
is hardly justifiable. Landlords indulge in hyperbole. 

Bulger. Hyperbole! What is that? 

Leggatt. It is the faculty of not letting a statement 
lack strength. 

Bulger. Well, I must say this landlord's statements 
are very robust. 

Leggatt. Neatly put, Bulger. I believe you cul- 
tivate literature yourself. You should at any rate. 
Literature — 

Bulger. [Walki?ig floor.) Literature be d — d. 

Leggatt. My dear sir, you wont sleep at all if you 
go on at that rate. Since you decline to join me in a 
pipe let me read a chapter of Squibbs' last novel to 
you; that'll do the business. 

Bulger. i^Pausing in front <?/ L. 's cot^ Read Squibbs 
to me! At midnight, in a strange hotel ! Preposterous! 

Leggatt. He is very soothing. 

Bulger. (^Emphatically.) I wont have it (gets in bed). 

Leggatt. I'm very sorry. I'll have to read all to 
myself. 

Bulger. (Sitting np.) Are you going to read? 

Leggatt. I am. 

Bulger. And keep that candle burning? 

Leggatt. Certainly! I don't read in the dark. I 
haven't cat's eyes. 

Bulger. Really, I say — do you know that I have a 
call for the three o'clock train ? 

Leggatt. Don't worry about it, Bulger. I shall be 
awake and I'll call you promptly. Will 2:45 be about 
right? 

Bulger. (Jumps up.) That man is crazy. I'll never 
get a wink of sleep here. (Seizes blanket) There's a 
sofa in the hall, I'll try that. Next time I come to this 
town I'll stop at the roundhouse for a quiet place. 
(Runs out R. with candle and blanket. ) 

Leggatt. I am disappointed in him. I thought his 

186 



FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. 9 

nerves were sound. He'll break down if he travels 
long. He'll catch cold in the hallway, I'm afraid. 
[Lays down book. Pause.) My sleepy spell has come on. 
I didn't expect it till ^four o'clock. I believe I shall 
not pass a white night, as the French say, after all. 
[Lies down and goes to sleep. Pause 75 seconds.) 

Enter Landlord, tiptoe, P. 

Land. (Looks at B.'s bed, then at L. 's.) Bulger is a 
strange man. Now, why did he leave his bed and take 
that sofa in the hall? He's the hardest customer to 
please that comes this way. Doesn't like cats, finicky 
about drafts, always sends his steak back, objects to two 
in a room. I s'pose two in a bed 'ud set 'im crazy. There 
aint a steadier, nicer man in the house than Mn Leg- 
gatt. Where shall I put that Dutchman ? The sofa was 
the last thing. [Scratches head.) Why, here, of course. 
I'll just make up the bed ! [Hastily makes up bed. ) There, 
he'll not notice it has been slept in. [Caterivauling out- 
side. ) 

Exit R. (2;^^ Re-enter ivith Schnell. 

Land. Quietly! There's a man asleep there. 

Schnell. Oh, dis vas a touble room alretty ? 

Land. Yes. 

Schnell. [Looking i-ound.) Mit single petts. Lant- 
lort, vas dot man safe? 

Land. Perfectly safe. 

Schnell. Vel, I mean vas I safe? I know he was 
safe, alretty. 

Land. Why, he's the peacefulest man in the town. 
[Lnipressively.) He's a littery chap. 

Schnell. [Puzzled.) Littery man! Vat was dot ? 

Land. He writes books. 

Schnell. Oh, ya, a pookkeeper. 

Land. No, he writes for the magazines. 

Schnell. [Still puzzled, scratches head.) Mackaseens! 
Ya,powtermackaseens. Ya, ya,dot bin all right. I kess, 
he wont plow up. 

Land. [Ready to go.) Your name is Schnell, I be- 
lieve. 

187 



iO FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. 

ScHNELL, Ya! Gus Schnell, of Schnell oont Augeil- 
blick. 

Land, Line sauerkraut? 

Schnell. Sauerkraut oont weinerwurst. 

Land. Any call ? 

Schnell. Ya, by de Cherman saloons. 

Land. I mean shall I call you in the morning? 

Schnell. Yoost leaf me alone till I shleeps out. 

{Exit ]^ANDLORD R .) 

Schnell. {Taking off shoes. ^ Dot man was a goot 
shleeper, alretty. I hope he ton't shnore sometimes. 
Dot man shleep like one little papy. {Takes off coat ^ 
feels bed.) Dunderldot pett vas warm alrett}^ Dere 
moost pe a furnace oonter dot pett. {Looks^ feels. ) I 
feels vint. Dot was strange, der room colt, mit vint 
plowin, oont der pett varm. Dere vas no planket py 
dot pett. Gott in himmel ! vy vas dot pet varm ! meppe 
dot wasn't a mystery. I yoost shleep in my clodings, I 
take no shances mit dot preeze plowin. {Gets in bed.) 
Ach, I forcot to put dot candle out. I plieve I can 
reach him. {Reaches out toward candle in chair and losing 
balance falls out of bed with a crash, • extinguishing candle 
and overturning chair. ) 

Leggatt. {Starting.) What's that? Where's my 
pistol ? 

Schnell. Gott in himmel, ton't shoot. 

Leggatt. {Crossly.) Well, what ails you now ? 

Schnell. Nodings. I yoost fell out py de pett. 

Leggatt. {Half awake.) You have disturbed me 
again! Why in thunder can't you go to sleep? 

Schnell. {Angry.) Vel, vy tont you gif me some 
dime alretty ? I yoost cot in mine pett, two tree min- 
utes foreby. {Gets in bed.) 

Leggatt. {Starting up .^ wide awake.) That's a strange 
voice. Bulger — {Pause.) Bulger — Great heavens! has 
Bulger been murdered? {Tries to strike matches.^ several 
go out.) This comes of putting strangers in the same 
room. What ails the infernal matches! {Lights candle; 
Schnell is all covered tip except his face, Leg. peers at him 
for a moment.) That isn't Bulger. Where can Bulger 



FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. II 

be! That's a burglar, I'll bet. (Gets pistol quietly from 
draiveVy sitting up in bed. ^ I'll have a crack at him if 
he resists. [S/ia?ply to Schnell. ) Hello there, you! 

ScHNELL. Vas? 

Leggatt. a Dutchman! Heh, you fellow! Sit up 
or I'll shoot. 

Schnell. [Bounding out of bed and badly scared?) 
Mine Gott,meesterton't shoot! Vat in himmel you want 
alretty yet? 

Leggatt. Who are you? Where is Bulger? 

Schnell. Pulcher! I ton't know Pulcher. Gott in 
himmel, put away dot pistol down. 

Leggatt. Who are you ? 

Schnell. Put dot bistol town. It goes off meppe. 

Leggatt. What are you doing here? 

Schnell. Shleeping. 

Leggatt. Well, why in the dickens don't you sleep 
then ? Another man in my room ! The landlord is drunk 
again. He'll have the whole town in here before morn- 
ing. (Schnell standing middle of room.) Why don't 
you go to bed ? 

Schnell. Ya, I coes right away. (Pause.) Mine 
frent. 

Leggatt. Well ? 

Schnell. Dot lantlort saityou vas a beaceful chen- 
tleman. I vas beaceful too oont I vants no more mis- 
dakes apout purglars oont bistols. My name vas 
Schnell^ of Schnell oont Augenblick, wholesalers mit 
sauerkraut. Dat's my cart. {Gives I^y^gg^tt card.) 

Leggatt. (Throws card away.) Confound it man, 
will you go to bed ? 

Schnell. Ya! Ya! (Gets into bed.) He vas not a 
pit sociable. 

Leggatt. And look here, Mr. Wagonblock — 

Schnell. Nine, Schnell ! of te firm — 

Leggatt. Well, Snell then; you'd better keep pretty 
quiet. If this racket continues much longer I'll miss 
my four o'clock sleeping spell. Now I wont be dis- 
turbed, (Lies down") 

Schnell. Ya! Ya! (Pause fifteen seconds., then loud 

189 



12 FIRST-CLASS HOTEL, 

caterwauling outside J ad lib.) Oh, dem cats! [Softly) I 
was afraid of dot beaceful littery chap. He might 
shoot if he hears dem cats. {Rolls over.) Veil, I ton't 
schleep, dot's sure, alretty. (Glances at L. 's cot.) Dot 
man was tangerous. I yoost dries to ket a nap by der 
office. (Rises, softly stealing toward door, R, Leg, rolls 
over. ScHNELL, alarmed, darts out.) 

Leggatt. (Sleepily yawns.) More noise, somewhere, 
and I was just going — (settles down and drops to sleep, 
short loud caterwauling, then all quiet. ) 

Bulger steals in R. ivith candle. 

Bulger. This night will be worse on me than a 
week's sickness. I'll have to take another liver pill. 
(Takes pill.) If I had a keg of powder under this old 
hotel I'd blow it to Kingdom-come, landlord, cats and 
all. But I mustn't wake that author or he'll want to 
read Squibbs' novel to me. He's had a good sleep. 
I've caught cold in that hall. It was like the Cave of 
the Winds. (Feels bed. Surprised.) Why, that bed is 
warm yet. That's very strange! The room is as cold 
as a barn. There's no blanket here either. I left that 
in the hall. If I close that window may be I can get 
along. I'll wake everybody in the house probably. 
{Goes softly to windoiv, tugs at it, steals glance at Leggatt, 
gives a quick tug, down conies ivindow on the run and breaks 
a pane of glass.) 

Leggatt. (Staj-ting up, sitting posture.) What's that? 
Who's there? (Bulger crawls behind the curtains.) Hey 
there! Say! (Pause.) It's that Dutchman again! 
He's worse than Bulger was. Fallen out of that rickety 
old bed again, I suppose. If he'd only break his neck! 
(Scratching matches, lights candle.) Why, he isn't there. 
Now, that's odd! Both gone! A good riddance. I may 
catch my four o'clock turn yet. (Stai^ts.) My watch! 
I'll bet that Dutchman was a thief in disguise. (Feels 
in vest pocket.) No, it is there all right. I have nothing 
else to steal. I'm an author. He wouldn't take 
Squibbs' novel. No, nobody would run away with 
Squibbs. {Looks at watch again.) 2 145 ! It's just time 

190 , 



FIRST-CLASS HOTEL. I3 

for Bulger's train. (B. bc/ilnd Li/rtaui,'' ConioMnd it.") 
What's that? I surely heard a voice. Some one is 
concealed somewhere. I'll call the landlord. No bell. 
I'll catch cold if I get up to throw a pop bottle. I 
guess I'll just fire the pistol. (B. in alarm dodges closer 
to wall. Pistol shot. ) There! I guess that'll fetch him. 
I'll give him a piece of my mind. When I took this 
room I gave him the privilege of putting in a quiet 
party occasionally. 'Quiet! This has been a delight- 
fully quiet night. 

Enter Landlord, ^. , excitedly folloived by Schnell. 

Land. Great heavens! Where was that shot ? 

Schnell. Himmel! He sound like a cannon. I 
joomp out o' my schleep ten feet alretty. 

Land. [Excitedly.) Where was it? The house will 
be in an uproar. Leggatt, why don't you speak? 

Leggatt. {Coolly.) I luill speak. Landlord, it is 
my deliberate opinion that you keep the worst hotel 
that I ever saw. 

Land. That's a slander, strictly first-class! But 
the shot? 

Leggatt. In the absence of a bell the shot was 
simply to call you. 

Land. {Angrily.) Why, you don't mean to say — 

Leggatt. That's just what I mean to say. You 
were to put only quiet people in here. 

Land. Bulger is all right. Best man on the road. 

Leggatt. He has softening of the brain. 

Land. Impossible! Bulger is one of the best sales- 
men on the road. 

Leggatt. I've had enough of him. I think he's 
crazy. (B. angry gesttire from behind curtain.) 

Land. Nonsense! His head is as level as — as mine. 

Leggatt. I wont dispute that! 

Land. And you mean you fired a pistol and alarmed 
the whole house just to tell me this. 

Leggatt. I'm not done yet. Next thing you bring 
in an idiotic Dutchman — 

Schnell. Vy, you rascal ! dot is me, 

191 



14 FIRST CLASS HOTEL. 

Leggatt. [With wave of hand.') Allow me, Wagon- 
block. I'm talking to the landlord. 

Land. Let up and go to sleep. You'll be all right 
in the morning. Where is Bulger? It's train time. 

Leggatt. Bulger! What do I know about Bulger? 
Get out now and leave me alone. 

Land, But Bulger — (Leg. lies doivn.') Say, Leggatt! 

ScHNELL. I tink dot littery chap haf kilt Pulcher. 

Land. [Sta?^ting.) What? {Seizes I^^gg at t: by arm 
and Jerks him to sitting posture.) Produce Bulger. The 
shot— Bulger. Have you murdered him? 

Leggatt. [Throwing him off.) I'm ready to murder 
somebody. [Seizes cane.) 

Land. [Retreating.) Where is Bulger? 

Bulger. Here he is! [Strides doivn angrily. Land. 
and Schnell start back.) And let me add to what that 
literary man says. I thought he could use words better 
in such a case than a plain drummer, but he isn't in it. 
Of all the noisy, windy, ill-kept, bad-smelling, dis- 
reputable [gets emphatic as he speaks)^ disorderly, rag- 
tag-and-bob-tail hotels in creation — 

Schnell. Mine Gott! 

Land. Hold on, sir. You're going too far. 

Bulger. I'll go farther next trip. I'll go to the 
next town. [Getting valise and things.) 

Land. Your bill is ready. 

Bulger. [Snorting. ) B i 1 1 ! b i 1 1! 

Land. [Decidedly.) I said bill. 

Leggatt. Bulger, you'll miss your train if you 
stand there quarreling. Now clear out, all of you, or 
I'll miss my 4 o'clock sleep. I almost feel as if I 
should miss it after this, (Landlord takes B.'s valise 
and is going R. followed by B, Schnell stands undecided. ) 
Hi there, landlord, don't leave that Dutchman here. 
(Landlord /<2)^^ no attention., exeunt^ 

Schnell, [Angrily.) Tutchman! dat was me — Mine 
frent, I was no Tutchman, I was Cherm.an oont — 

Leggatt. Get out before I commit murder. A first- 
class quiet hotel! Oh! [Reaches for pistol. Schnell 
goes flying out R.) Quick Curtain. 

192 



MADAM PRINCETON'S 



Temple of Beauty 



A FARCE 



By T. S. DENISON 

Author Of 

Odds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A 
Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, 
Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The PuU-Back, Coun'.ry Jus- 
tice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen 
Peddler, The School Ma'am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, 
Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, 
The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, 
Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O'Wang, Re- 
jected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P's Beauty Parlors, Topp's 
Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It's all in the Pay-Streak, 
The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues. 

Also the Novels, 

The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc. 



CHICAGO : 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street. 



MADAME PRINCETON S TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 

MADAME PRINCETON'S 
TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 



CHARACTERS. 

Madame Princeton, proprietor of Temple of Beauty. 

Mrs. Compton, very stout, wants to be reduced. 

Miss Dickie Bird, who wants to be bleached. 

Miss Terwilliger, who is in search of a complexion. 

Miss McFadden, a suspicious enquirer. 

Susan, an assistant of Madame P. 's. 



Time of playing^ twenty minutes. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage; C, center; J?. C, 
right center; L. left; i E.^ first entrance; U, E., upper 
entrance, etc. ; D. E. door in flat or back of the stage. 
The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



Note — To present this piece properly, the ladies 
must make up as directed. But young ladies as a rule 
greatly dislike putting anything disfiguring on their 
faces. Miss Terwilliger should use make-up paints, one 
side of face fiery red, the other very brown, freckled. 
But she may get along very well by bandaging one 
side and splotching the other freely with court plaster, 
reddened with carmine ink. It is best to select a lady 
naturally stout, with a keen sense of humor, for Mrs. 
Compton. Full instructions maybe found in a good 
"make-up" book. 

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON. 



194 



MADAME PRINCETON'S 
TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 



Scene — Entrance R. and L. in i. D. F. , L. C. ; shelves 
for '^goods'' against flat jR. C, sofa near wall up Z., 
chair between that and door R. , table with books and 
flowers doivn L. C, operating chair {barber s) R. C; 
other chairs and little accessories to taste^ but do not croivd 
stage. May be played in any room having two doors. 

Susan. (Discovered as curtain rises examining toilet 
articles on shelves.^ The skin food is nearly out. Skin 
food! Mutton fat and bergamot, cost, ten cents a jar. 
China jar and gilt label twenty cents more, total thirty 
cents, sells for five dollars. Well I guess there's more 
money in skin food than there is in stomach food or 
brain food, for that matter. {Takes up another bottle.) 
Anti-fat! Vinegar and water, three dollars a bottle. 
Anti grandmother! {Laughs.) Why, I'm talking about 
my relatives. What fools these women are. I'll start 
a Beauty Parlor I guess. {Coquettishly .) I am a sample 
of Madame Princeton's work myself. Humph! I never 
did a blessed thing for my beauty. I wouldn't put her 
skin food on a mangy dog. That fat old Compton 
thing goes waddling round taking anti-fat and jerking 
the pulleys in the gymnasium. My, she makes me 
laugh. She gets fatter every day. 

Enter briskly Madame P., R. 

Mad. p. Susan, have you opened up the gymnasium 
to air it? 

Susan. Yes'm! 

Mad. p. Where is Mary? 

195 



4 MADAME PRINCETON S TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 

Susan. In the stock room. 

Mad, p. Have we plenty of everything? There's 
going to be a run on Madame Princeton's Toilet Ar- 
ticles. The World's Fair medal is a great card. 

Susan. I suppose we'll get that medal before the 
next Fair opens? 

Mad. p. The delay is so annoying. But we'll do 
as the others do — say we have it already, 

Susan. The skin food is low. 

Mad. p. Did you telephone the commission man to 
hurry up that mutton tallow? 

Susan. Yes, he sent it by mistake to Madame La 
Duke's Parlors. 

Mad. p. Madame La Duke's, indeed! I'll sue her 
for damages if she steals any more of my secrets. 

Susan. I guess Madame La Duke knows mutton fat 
from goose grease. 

Mad. p. She is an ignorant imposter. Every idea 
she has she stole from me. Tell Mary to set the girls 
making a gross of skin food immediately. {^Exit Susan, 

Enter Mrs. Compton, R.^ puffing. 

Mad. p. {^Running to 7?ieet her.) Why, how charm- 
ing you look, Mrs. Compton. 

Mrs. C. [Dropping m chair. ) I'm nearly starved to 
death. I haven't eaten a bite of meat for three days. 

Mad. p. Abstinence and Madame Princeton's Anti- 
fat will do the business. Take a dose now, [pours out 
wine glass full). That will revive you. It operates on 
the fat glands and allays their abnormal activity. It 
is excitement of the fat glands which causes excessive 
flesh. Do you feel better? You've lost, I should say, 
fifteen pounds the last week. 

Mrs. C. Madame Princeton, I just feel completely 
gone. Why, when the girl brought in Mr. Compton's 
breakfast this morning, I felt like a wild animal. I 
just wanted to grab his steak and tear it with my fingers 
and teeth. 

Mad. p. But you must not indulge your appetite. 

ig6 



MADAME PRINCETON S TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 5 

Mrs. C. I dare not or Mr. Compton would suspect. 
Heaven forgive me the lies I've told that man. And I 
a church member, too. Told him one day I had no 
appetite, and the next a headache, and the next that I 
had lunched hastily down town. Dear me, what can I 
tell him next I 

Mad. p. Does he suspect you ? 

Mrs. C. I'm afraid so. He said this morning if I 
didn't eat pretty soon he'd send for the doctor. 

Mad. p. Keep it up three days more and then we'll 
surprise him. You will have lost at least thirty pounds 
by that time. Your husband will be delighted at your 
improved appearance. 

Mrs. C. I don't know about that. He's a queer 
man. When I first met him I weighed only ninety 
pounds. It didn't seem to matter to him when I weighed 
twice that. 

Mad. p. But it does matter. He is deceiving you. 
Men prefer willowly women. 

Mrs. C. Maybe, but I've heard him say that Mrs. 
Smith was as thin as the last run o' June shad. Couldn't 
you fatten that woman? It would be a relief to her 
neighbors if you could, and it would prove that you 
can perform miracles. 

Mad. p. Yes, get her to come in. I'll give you a 
commission. It's very simple. If she'd only take my 
Anti-lean. All she needs is to have the fat glands 
stimulated. Anti-lean is the greatest discovery of the 
age. 

Mrs. C. Would you mind telling me what it is; in 
confidence, you know. 

Mad. p. Oh, goodness, that is a professional secret. 

Mrs. C. I'll tell her about it, but, good land, what 
ye're doin' to me would kill her. I couldn't stand it 
if I wasn't as strong as an ox. 

Mad. p. You are doing bravely. What did you eat 
for breakfast? 

Mrs. C. Three oatmeal crackers and a cup of coffee. 

Mad. p. You have broken the rules. I limited you 
to two crackers. 

197 



MADAME PRINCETON S TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 

Mrs. C. It was Mr. Compton's fault. He insisted 

1 should eat. 

Mad. p. Any cream in the coffee? 

Mrs. C. Only a spoonful. 

Mad. p. You must obey me if you expect good 
results. I'll give you a double dose of Anti-fat. And 
you shall lunch here to-day. One small white cracker, 
one large pickle and a double portion of Anti-fat. 

Mrs. C. Mayn't I have a chalk crayon to nibble at. 
I'll eat the wax candles next thing. 

Mad. p. Oh, you may have all the chalk you want. 
Now- go to the gymnasium. First the rowing apparatus, 
then the dumb bells and lastly, the swinging rings. 
That'll fetch you round. 

Mrs. C. If it doesn't kill me. {Exit D. F.) 

Enter Susan, L. 

Susan. The mutton fat — 

Mad. P. Hist! {Whispers iti Susan's ear and gives 
meaning look toward £>. F. ) 

Enter Miss Terwilliger, R. 

Mad. p. How do you do, Miss Terwilliger? You 
are very punctual. Some women have no notion what 
an engagement means. 

Miss T. {Heavily veiled?) Madame Princeton, my face 
pains terribly. I am really alarmed. 

Mad. p. {Coldly.) I told you there would be some 
pain. Let me see your face. Removing freckles is 
rather a painful operation, if done by the quick method. 
(Miss T. removes veil .^ discloses bandage covering the whole 
of one side of the face. Mad. P. removes bandage., sho7vs 
one side of face very red the other broivn.) It is working 
beautifully 

Miss T. {Goes to glass., shrieks.) Oh, horrors! What 
a fright! Oh, oh! 

Mad. p. Be cool, my dear. 

Enter Mrs. C. from D. F. 
Mrs. C. Goodness, what a start you gave me! {Sees 



MADAME PRINCETON S TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 7 

MissT.) Why what on earth are you doing to that 
girl? Poor child! One side of her face is red as a 
beet and the other brown as a berry. 

Mad. p. Really, Mrs. Compton, there is nothing 
the matter. That is the way it always works, Miss 
Terwilliger, 

Miss T. But my face is on fire, oh ! oh ! And I read 
in the paper that a young lady died here undergoing 
treatment. 

Mad. p. That was all a lie! I'll never let another 

newspaper reporter interview me as long as I live. Come 

this way for treatment. [Going L.) Madame Compton, 

go back to your exercises. [Exeunt Mad, P. and Miss 

.T.,Z.) 

Mrs. C. Well, I'm glad I haven't freckles or warts 
or whiskers. I never could stand it to be skinned alive, 
I know. I'm so hungry I could eat a jar of that skin 
food. 

Enter Susan L. Exit Mrs. C, E>. F. 

Susan. Silly little goose. She's going to be a 
bridesmaid and is willing to be skinned in order to look 
pretty. 

Enter Dickie Bird. 

Dickie B. Are you the young lady I spoke to yester- 
day ? 

Susan. You are Miss Dickie Bird? 

Dickie. I am. I have an appointment at this hour. 

Susan. I operate on the hair. Take this seat. (Dickie 
seated facing L. so audience can have side view of hair and 
face; lets down Dickie's hair ^ which must be dark and beau- 
tiful?) Oh, what beautiful hair! If I had that hair I 
wouldn't dye it for the world. 

Dickie. But blondes are so fashionable! They are 
all the rage, you know. (Susan tucking the barber's 
apro?i closely round Y)\CK\K.) Does it cause any incon- 
venience? 

Susan. Not the least! You can not appear any- 
where for several days. [Scream from Miss T. heard 
offL.) 

199 



8 MADAME Princeton's temple of beauty. 

Dickie. {^Bounding from chair.) Goodness! What is 
that ? 

Susan. Oh, nothing. They are skinning a girl in 
there. 

Dickie. Mercy sakes! Skinning a girl! That is 
horrible. 

Susan. [Laughs.) You misunderstand. It is the 
complexion treatment. It takes off the old skin, and I 
think they took it off that girl pretty deep. It burns 
like fire at first. (Another scream.) 

Mrs. C. runs out D. F. 

Mrs. C. My nerves just wont stand that! 

Dickie. I'm very glad I don't have to be skinned. 
Ugh! it makes me shudder. [Gets in chair. ^ 

Mrs. C. And what are you going to have done? 

Dickie. I'm going to be bleached! 

Mrs. C. What color? 

Dickie. Why, blonde, of course. 

Mrs. C. Well, if I had that head of hair I wouldn't 
bleach it for the world. What lovely hair, and Mr. 
Compton does so admire hair. 

Dickie, (Coquettishly.) They all do. [Susan getting 
bottles and brushes. ) 

Susan. Are you ready, Miss Bird? 

Dickie. Quite ready. 

Mrs. C. {GoingD.F.) Bird! That must be Dickie 
Bird. Giddy thing I She's the worst flirt in town. Oh 
dear, I could eat a raw frog! [Exit D. F. Noise of 
pulleys going furiously. ) 

Dickie. What is that fat old thing doing here? 

Susan. Improving her shape. She's on Anti-fat. 

Dickie. [Sarcastically.) You couldn't reduce her 
waist with one of those what do you call 'em machines. 
She's had her day. Why doesn't she stay at home with 
her old man. 

Susan. Neither age nor condition is beyond the aid 
of Madame Princeton . That woman can work miracles. 
(Dickie /i" now swathed in apron and towels till she looks like 
a mummy. ) 

200 



MADAME PRINXETON S TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 9 

Dickie. Why are you so very particular about wrap- 
ping me up, Susan? 

Susan. The stuff is very powerful. I musn't let 
a single drop get on your skin. 

Dickie. Oh dear, I am nervous. {Tries to move.') 
Mercy, I can't move hand or foot. {Screams.) 

Enter, hastily, Mad. P., Z. 

Mad. p. What is the matter. Miss Bird? 

Dickie. I am afraid! 

Mad. p. My dear, there isn't the slightest pain or 
danger. Goon, Susan. {Aside to ^u^K'ti.) You've been 
talking again. Why can't you keep your customers 
quiet like mine. {Scream from Miss T. 7i'ho runs in, 
one side of face in great red blotches. ) 

Miss T. Madame Princeton, you will kill me! Oh, 
how my face smarts! 

Mad. p. It can't hurt much. 

Miss T. It's on fire! Oh, oh! 

Mad. p. Only a temporary twinge. Miss Terwilliger. 
{Gets betiveen Dickie's chair and Miss T., turns latter 
a7i'av, nods to ^Xi'^KH who busies herself with Y)\(Zya^.) To- 
day I will apply my great discovery, Pastilla di Pasta 
and to-morrow you will have the complexion of a baby. 
{Rushes Miss T. out L. , shuts door.) Some people make 
a great fuss about nothing. 

Enter Mrs. C. , with played-out look, D. F. 

Mrs. C. Madame Princeton, haven't I exercised 
enough to-day ? 

Mad. p. {Severely.) Not half enough ! 

Mrs. C. {Puffing.) Well, I shall die, that's what 
I'll do! 

Mad. p. {Impatiently.) I wouldn't if I were you, 
Mrs. Compton. 

Mrs. C. Madame Princeton, you are positively cruel! 
I believe you actually enjoy our sufferings. 

Mad. p. That's right, excite yourself! Your heart 
is strong and excitement reduces flesh. It stimulates 
the lean glands, just as repose invigorates the fat 
glands. 

201 



lo MADAME Princeton's temple of beauty. 

Mrs. C. But s'pose I die right here in your place. 
Think of the consequences. One woman did die. 

Mad. p. No, she didn't. 

Dickie. Goodness, that woman makes me nervous. 
Talks of dying in the place. I can't stand this any 
longer. [Tries to rise.) 

Susan. {^Restraining her.) Be careful, you'll make 
me spill it and then — 

Mad. p. Susan, hold your tongue. 

Dickie. I am afraid. {^Manages to stand up., swathed 
like a mummy ^ Mad. and ^\j?>a.^ suppo?'t her.) 

Mad. p. Sit down, Miss Bird. The remedy is as 
harmless as water. 

Dickie. I am so nervous, let me go home. I read of 
the girl that nearly died here. 

Mad. p. {Indignantly.) No such thing ever hap- 
pened, I tell you. She only fainted. 

Dickie. But papa doesn't know what I'm doing. 
He wouldn't approve at all. And if anything more 
should happen and my name get in the papers — 

Mad. P. Nothing can happen. How absurd. {^They 
get Dickie back in chair.) 

Mrs. C. /am nervous, too. If Mr. Compton ever 
caught me here, oh dear. 

Mad. p. Mrs. Compton, I beg you will act ration- 
ally. Go back to your pulleys! It is against the rules 
for one patient to enter the room where another is being 
operated on. 

Mrs. C. Humph! I can hear the racket of all of 'em. 
I'll break that old machine. {Exit D. F.^ noise of pul- 
leys violently. ) 

Enter Miss McFadden, R. 

Miss McF. Do I have the pleasure of addressing 
Madame Princeton ? 

Mad. p. {^Boivs.) You do. Won't you come into 
the reception room? It's a mistake of the girl to show 
you in here. Your name? 

Miss McF. Miss McFadden. Since we are here I 
think we can manage. I have but a moment. 

202 



MADAME Princeton's temple of beauty. h 

Mad. p. Did you wish to enquire about treatment 
Miss McFadden ? 

Miss McF. Yes, if you please. 

Mad. p. Complexion, perhaps? 
_ Miss McF. Exactly ! My skin feels rather harsh at 
times. 

Mad. p. You need my crowning discovery, the 
wonderful skin food, followed by Pastilla di Pasta, 

Miss McF. I had thought of trying something of 
the kind. (Mad. P. showing vase of ''food. ") How much ? 

Mad. p. Five dollars a jar. 

Miss McF. Isn't that rather expensive ? 

Mad. p. Excuse me, it is worth twice the money. 
I ought to charge ten dollars. The materials are very 
costly, and the secret is invaluable. 

Miss McF. I'll take a jar! \Gives money.) 

Mad. p. {Smiling.) Anything else? 

Miss McF. No, that is, yes, my sister has a wart 
on her nose, which disfigures her slightly! 

Mad. p. That can easily be removed. 

Miss McF. Will it leave a scar? 

Mad. P. Oh dear, no! I never leave a blemish! In 
fact I improve on nature in her happiest moods, to such 
a state of perfection has my art attained. 

Miss McF. {Has been writijig in note book.) Will it 
be a painful operation? 

Mad. p. Not at all! My customers actually enjoy 
the various processes, just as they say men enjoy being 
shaved and having their heads rubbed. 

Miss McF. My sister may come \\\— {Loud screams 
L.) What is that ? {Terrific crash back of fiat. Susan 
drops bottle.^ 

Mad. P. Mercy! What has happened ? 

Dickie. {Jumping up from chair.) There! you've 
spilled some on my hand! {Struggies free from ivraps^ 
throwing them right and left. ) 

M AD. P. ( Throwing up hands. ) M i ss B i rd ! M i ss B i rd ! 
Do be careful ! 

Dickie. It is black as ink. This is disgraceful, Mad- 
ame Princeton. 

203 



12 MADAME PRINCETON's TEMPLE OF BEAUTV. 

Mad. p. Oh dear, Susan! Wash it off quick with 
the stain remover! 

Enter Miss Terwilliger, Z. 

Miss T. {Indignantly. ) Madame Princeton, I wont 
stand this any longer! {One side of her face covered l?y a 
thick plaster the other shockingly red.) My face is on fire. 

Mad. p. But, Miss Terwilliger, patience. You will 
look like a baby when I am done with you. 

Enter Mrs. C. puffing^ D. F. 

Miss T. I'm burning up. {Hands to face.') 

Mrs. C. Throw water on her, she's afire! 

Mad. p. Water, indeed! 

Mrs. C. She looks like a boiled lobster now! Did 
you ever see such a face? 

Miss McF. But the process is painless? 

Mad. p. Quite so, her nerves are unstrung, poor 
thing. (Miss McF. writing in notebook.) What are you 
writing there? 

Miss McF. Only your address. 

Miss T. (Rubbing face.) Oh, my face! Will it ever 
look right again ? 

Mad. p. Don't rub it! 

Miss T, But 1 can't help it! 

Mad. p. My dear, you will look like a June rose. 

Dickie. And my hand, look at the great horrid black 
spot. {Exposes hand. ) 

Mad. p. It'll all come off in a month. 

Dickie. A month, did you say! Oh, I can't endure 
it that long. 

Mrs. C. Humph, I've been starving that long. Some 
people make a great fuss about nothing! 

Dickie. But I must go to the charity ball next week ! 

Mad. p. Mrs. Compton, you have thirty minutes 
yet. The rings are next. 

Mrs. C. Oh sugar! Maybe you think I'm a fool! 
I'm done with your old machine. I smashed it with 
the Indian clubs. 

Mad. p. Smashed the machine! You shall pay for 
it. Indeed, you shall. 

204 



MADAME PRINCETONS TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 13 

Mrs. C. Oh, I'll pay. And what's more, I'll eat if 
I have to weigh 300 pounds. 

Mad. p. That's what you will weigh. 

Mrs. C. {Spiritedly.) Well, I wont get fat to please 
you. I am not going to eat if I die for it. 

Dickie. Oh, that stain! It'll never come off I know. 

Miss T. Oh, mv face! 

Mrs. C. Oh, my stomach! 

Mad. p. [Emphatically.) Oh, my patience! 

Miss McF. Yes, your patients. {Writes.) Quite an 
interesting lot. 

Mad. p. {Sternly.) Young woman, what are you 
writing? 

Miss McF. Just a little item. I am a reporter for 
the "Daily Fudge." 

All. a reporter! {Excitement.^ "oh's" and "dear 
me's.") 

Dickie. My name in the papers! Papa will never 
forgive me! {Darts out R. , Miss T. darts out L.) 

Mrs. C. Mr. Compton will be furious. To think! 
Our names in the paper. 

Mad. p. {Glarifig.) Do it if you dare, young wo- 
man. She doesn't dare. I'll sue the "Fudge" for 
damages. 

Mrs. C. {To Miss McF.) I'm as weak as a cat, or 
I'd choke you, you horrid thing! Yes I would. {Glares 
at Miss McF. who stands coolly writing.) J/>' name in 
the "Daily Fudge!" And that horrid Anti-fat! 

Mad. p. After all ladies like their names in the 
papers. It wont hurt anything. It advertises business. 

Tableau. 

i?. ' C. L. 

Miss McF. , Susan, Mrs. C, Mad. P. 

Quick Curtain. 



205 



14 



MADAME PRINCETON'S 

TEMPLE OF BEAUTY. 




*Door^ 




Door 



206 



A DUDE IN A CYCLONE 



A FARCE 



By T. S. DENISON 



Author of 

Odds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A 
Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, 
Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Jus- 
tice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen 
Peddler, The School Ma'am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, 
Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, 
The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, 
Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O'Wang, Re- 
jected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P's Beauty Parlors, Topp's 
Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It's all in the Pay-Streak, 
The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues. 

Also the Novels^ 

The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc. 



CHICAGO: 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street 



A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 



A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 



CHARACTERS. 

Major Townsley, Proprietor of hotel. 

Jim Funk, a ''wild and wooly" Texan. 

Solomon Isaacstein, insurance agent and "bromoter. " 

Adolphus Puterbaugh, from the Manhattan Club, 

New Yawk. . 
Mrs. Townsley. 
Pattie Baggs. 
Jack and Tootsie. 



Time of Playing^ hventy minutes. 



Note — The only difficult part in this play is that 
of Sol. Isaacstein. He is a Jew of the extreme type. 
The best study is that of the typical Jew traveling 
man who is not native born. Isaacstein's dialect is of 
course exaggerated, as all dialect must necessarily be 
in farce. One useful hint may be given, i.e. , try to get 
an easy swing to it. To pronounce der gombany with 
nicety of precision spoils the effect entirely. Der is 
not plain dare in English. It is more indistinct so that 
the d may be nearly a /. The same remarks apply to 
the dialect of Adolphus. 

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON. 



208 



A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 



Scene — Cyclone cellar in Texas. One door R. , blank walls, 
bench back, all characters discovered, as ctirtai?i I'ises, in 
state of cotifiision, some holding lighted candles; footlights 
out, stage dark. 

TowNSLEY. Is everybody in? {Closing door and bar- 
ring it.) 

Mrs. T. Oh John, I'm afraid they're not all in. 
Jack are you there, an' Tootsie? 

Jack. I'm O.K. maw, Tootsie, too. 

Sol. I. Boot me down O.K. (O gay) too. I set my 
ziglone alarm, greatest invention of the age. Wendt 
off an hour ago. Macher, I'll sell you some stock; 50 
per zent down, balance — 

Mrs. T. Where's Pattie Baggs? 

Mrs. B. I'm here, Mrs. Townsley. And I'm dyin' 
o' fright. Oh, I wish John was here! 

Mrs. T. Do you want him here to be blown to 
fiddle-strings in the cyclone? 

Mrs. B. But he's on the cyars and it may blow the 
train off the track. 

Sol. I. Tear laty, regomment him to my ziglone 
ogsident bolicy ! 

Mrs. B. Oh, I shall faint if you go on that way. 

Adolph. Deah me, is the stom so vewy violent as 
that? 

Jlm F. Well, I should say, Puterbaugh! Last cyclone 
there was an old goose on a nest under the barn. It 
blew those goose eggs, would you believe it, right 
through the brick chimney. Holes in the brickwork 
looked as if there had been a cannonade. 

14 209 



4 A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 

Adolph. Dweadful ! I'm sowwy (sorry) I evah left 
New Yawk! 

Sol I. Mine frent,Nye Yorick vas a great blace,but 
it ish not in it gombared to Dexas. 

Jim F. That's what, Isaacstein. A cyclone's not 
bad. It's a little exciting, but rather enjoyable when 
you get used to it. 

Adolph. Weally, you don't say! It must be vewy 
twyin' on the nerves. 

Mrs. T. Townsley, is the door barred securely? 

Town. Yes, my dear. 

Mrs. T. John, put something more against it. (A 
pause.) You men lean against it. 

Town. Let the door alone, can't you! 

Mrs. B. Oh my nerves, they're twitchin' forty ways 
for Sunday. 

Mrs. T. Pattie Baggs, can't you keep still? This 
is a serious time. 

Sol. I. Mine frent, vat becomes of dot goose? 

Jim F. Oh the goose, that was the strangest thing 
ever heard of. The cyclone blew that barn all to flig- 
gets and scattered it over half the county and it actoo- 
ally left that old goose settin' on the same spot with 
not a feather on her, an' nary an ^gg under her. 

Adolph. Did you evah heah the like? 

Mrs. T. (To Pattie.) Jim Funk couldn't stop 
tellin' stories if old Nick was at the backdoor; he 
had ought to be ashamed of himself 

Sol. I. (Taking out note book to write.) Dot was a 
stranche (strajige) phenomenon. I will write dem insur- 
ance gombanies to stop wridin' bolici'es on parns oont 
wride dem on gooses. Der gombany safes monies oont 
I get a gommission. 

Jim F. a capital idea! Why, it blew so hard last 
time — 

Mrs. T. (Petulantly?) Major Townsley, can't you 
men stop talkin'. It's a solemn occasion. 

Town. Madam, I haven't said a word. 

Mrs. T. But Dizzie Jim an' that Jew — 

Town. My dear, they are guests of the hotel. I 

210 



A DUDE IN A CVCLONE. 5 

can't tell 'em what to say. Jim Funk, this is a serious 
matter. 

Jim F. You bet it is, major. 

Mrs. B. Oh my nerves — is it comin' ? {Bright flash 
of lightning. ) 

Town, (Feeps at crack in door.) Dark as Egypt and 
roarin' like Tophet. 

Mrs. B. Oh ! oh ! I shall smother. 

Mrs. T. Pattie Baggs, keep quiet. Hollerin' aint 
goin' to stop it. My land, where's Bridget an' Susan. 
{Looks round.) They aint in ; Townsley, do go an' fetch 
them. 

Town. It's too late now. . I guess they have run 
out the back way and got in Smith's cellar. 

Mrs. T. But maybe they haven't an' they'll be 
killed sure. 

Mrs. B. Oh goodness I If you talk of killing, you'll 
kill me dead, and John — 

Town. {Severely.) Mrs. Townsley, who is talking 
now? 

Mrs. T. But you don't do anything. You just 
stand there as unconcerned. 

Tow^N. What can I do ? 

Mrs. T. I wish I was a man. 

Adolph. This is puffickly dwedful! 

Sol. I. If you blease, macher, a little petter light. 
{Getti?ig closer to candle.) I wrides dem ogsident gom- 
banies to put a goupon on der bolicy, "Not good unless 
der barty vas in der zellar. " Dem gombanies safes 
monies oont I get a gommission. 

Mrs. T. {Suddenly.) Where's Tootsie? 

TooTsiE. I'm here all right, maw. 

Jack T. Yes, I fetched her, you bet. (Jack.^<?^^ to 
door to peep out. Lightning and fierce crash of thunder. 
Mrs. T. and Mrs. B. scream in concert. Adolph starts 
and stumbles., falling., drops candle. ) 

Jim F. Hello there, Puterbaugh. {Helps him up.) 
Lightning strike you? 

Adolph. Weally I cawn't say. I feel so shook up. 
(Feels his arms. ) 

311 



6 A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 

Jim F. You're all right. That ain't a marker to 
what we'll get. Why, last cyclone the lightning fell 
in great balls, as big as your head, that danced round 
the ground among the hailstones and melted away 
slowly — them that didn't explode. [Lightning and an- 
other crash of thunder.) I saw a chunk of it in the chim- 
ley corner next day. 

Adolph. [Jumping.') Weally, I cawn't stand that, 
don't you know. I wish I'd nevah left New Yawk. 

Sol. I. Mine frent, you was nerfous. Haf you an 
ogsident bolicy? I'll write you up. You vas a goot 
risk, seein you was in der zellar. 

Adolph. Weally, my fwend, you aw impawtunate. 
I have me insurance, don't you know, always cawy it 
same as me cane. 

Sol. I. Dot Nye Yorick insurance vas no goot in 
Dexas. It hasn't got der ziglone goupon. 

Jack. [Going to door?) Oh Tootsie, come an' look. 
It's just splendid. Black as ink, an' way off yellow as 
can be. (Tootsie runs to door.) 

TooTSiE. Aint that just tip top? 

Mrs. T. [Severely.) Major Townsley, do you see 
those children ? 

Town. My dear, I see them. 

Mrs. T. Do you want them killed? 

Town. Fiddlesticks! Keep still, can't you. 

Mrs. T. Send them away from that door — if any- 
thing happens! 

Town. [Goes to door.) Go, my dears, back to the far 
corner! [Looks out.) Something will happen! It's a 
grand sight! It's coming like a race-horse! 

Mrs. B. Oh, Major Townsley, do you want to fright- 
en us all to death! 

Mrs. T. [Sarcastically.) It's no use trying to keep 
men still. 

Jim F. I hope it wont blow this cyclone cellar out 
of root. [Fea7'ful hissing of wind with lightning. ) 

Adolph. Gwacious! do you think it'll do that? 

Jim F. No tellin'! Last cyclone — 

Mrs. T. [Severely.) Jim Funk, can't you keepstill ? 

312 



A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 7 

Jim F. Why yes, if it is the wish of the company. 
(Si'^s on bench back. ) 

Adolph. / ^^ztv/V keep still, I say now! 

Sol. I. Dot gomes from hafin no insurance! Bedder 
dake a ziglone bolicy. Dot helps der nerfs bedder. 

Adolph. {Scornfully.) Go away, fellah, weally you 
annoy me. I'm used to pwivacy. 

Sol. I. [Flits up ?iote book.) Zome beoples always 
stands in der vay of der own lidght. [Taking out book 
suddenly.) Say, lantlort! [A^o reply.) Macher Downs- 
ley, dis zellar vas boorly lidghted, vy ton't you but in 
elegdrick lidghts? [Increased roaring of wind.) He 
toesn't hear. [Goes to T. tuho is near door., speaks very 
loud i7i his ear. ) Macher Downsley ! 

Town. What are you yelling about? 

Sol. I. I'll dake a gondractto lidght dis zellar from 
basement to addig mit elegdrick lidghts. [Aside.) lean 
get a small gommission from der gompany. [Clap of 
thunder.) He gan't hear. It vas a drifle noisy for pees- 
ness. 

Town. Isaacstein, you had better sit down. (I. sits 
on bench back.) 

Mrs. T. Townsley, how does it look outside? 

Town. Roaring like all the fiends. The roof of 
the hotel will go in a minute. There goes the chim- 
neys now! 

Jack. [Runs to door.) Oh paw, let me see! 

TooTSiE. An' me, too! [Going.) 

Jack. Go back, Tootsie! [Pushes her away.) It 
aint fur girls. 

Tootsie. [Pushing.) Paw, Jack's pushin' me. 

Mrs. T. [Severely.) Come here, both of you. Major 
Townsley, do you see those children? And at such a 
time! Humph, you aint fit to be the father of a fam- 
ily! No more government than a cat — [clap of thunder.) 
Oh! oh! 

Mrs. B. Save me! save me! 

Mrs. T. I guess ye aint gone yet. 

Town. [To children.) Run back dears, to the far 
corner. [They go L, , holding hands. ) 

213 



S A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 

TooTSiE. Jack, I'm afraid. 

Jack. Don't be skart, Tootsie. Paw an' me's here. 

Adolph. {Who will not sit down^ suddenly.^ Oh, I 
say, majah, say, don't you know! {Goes to Town.) 
He cawn't heah. Majah! 

Town. Speak louder! 

Adolph. {Shouting in T. ' s ear ) Me twunk ! 

Town. {Gruffly.') What's the matter now? 

Adolph. I fohgot me twunk, don't you know. 

Town. Trunk! What on earth do you want with 
your trunk ? 

Adolph. It contains all me linen and things. Let 
me out! I must have it! {Looks at watch.) It's the 
houah to change me tie. 

Town. {Restraining him.) Mr. Puterbaugh, you can't 
go out in that storm. Hear the roaring. {Groaning of 
the wind loudly. ) 

Adolph. But I change me linen twice a day, don't 
you know. 

Jim F. {Juniping up.) I'll loan you a shirt! 

Adolph. Thanks awfully, but I nevah weah flannel, 
besides what would you do, I say now? 

Jim F. Do you think I have only one shirt! 

Sol, I. {Jumping up.) Mine frent, my vardrobe vas 
limited, but it is at your disbosal. 

Adolph. Thanks, awfully, but I cawn't weah per- 
cale, it's two dweadful ! (T'^TowN.) Don't you think 
I could dwag me twunk into this cave? {At door.) 

Town. {Pushing him away.) Why, you lunatic! you 
wouldn't risk your life for a trunk would you ? 

Adolph. {Hopping round.) I'm dwedfully nervous! 
I haven't been so excited since the day I thweatened 
to cane Gawge Bowkah in the Manhattan Club. In 
suited me, the cad! They had to westwain me, and all 
that. Adolphus Putehbaugh was the hero of the houah. 
Got hauled up befoah the diwectahs and all that. Made 
meaweputation as a dangewous man, don't you know — 
{Clap of thunder.) Gwacious! that's comin' it stwong! 

Sol. I. {Rushes forward.) Mine frent, vil you dake 
dot bolicy now? No dime like der bresent. Telay is 

214 



A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 

tangerous. I tell you vot I'll do. ( Whispers in his ea?'.) 
Half der gommission ! {^Begins writing.') Gristian name 
Adolphus — Age? 

Town. (At door.) There goes the roof ! {Ail Jump 
tip. ) 

Mrs. B. Land sakes, I'm goin', too! 

Mrs. T. (Jerking her hack on seat.) No youaint! 
Patty Baggs, don't be a fool. 

Mrs. B. Oh, if John were only here! 

Sol, I. My tear laty, in dis case distance vas der 
pest bolicy — exzepting always der ziglone bolicy. 

Mrs. T. If the roof is gone how will we manage for 
dinner, I'd like to know? 

Town. (Snorting.) Dinner! That's like a woman. 

Mrs. T. Yes, and it's like a man to say nothing till 
he's hungry as a wolf, and then he expects it in two 
minutes. 

Jim F. Nevermind, Mrs. Townsley, we'll get along 
somehow. 

Mrs. T. Humph! There aint a man in the county 
that has a better appetite than you have. 

Jack. Maw al'ays said 'at Dizzy Jim was a dandy 
to eat! 

Town, Boy, keep still there, 

Sol, I. (Peering out.) Macher Downsley, dot roof 
was gone sure enough. Say, I'll dake a gondragt to re- 
puild dot hotel on a scale of magnifizence suitable to 
dis greadt state of Dexas. 

Town. You a contractor, too? I thought your line 
was insurance. 

Sol. I. Haf you not my gardt alretty ? (Gets card.) 
Read dot gardt. "Solomon Isaacstein, Bromoter. " I 
bromoteseferyding from ziglone bolicies to hodels oont 
shtock gombanies. Wherefer dere was gommissions 
dere was Isaacstein retty for peesness. 

Town. Wait till we find out the damages. 

Sol. I. Mine frent, der bresent is der only dime. 
Der bast was brotested oont der future disgounted. 
I'll figger on dot gondragt now oont have an esdimate 
ven der ziglone subsites. (Auolph drops his candle.) 

215 



lO A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 

Dem gandles vasn't equal to such an occasion as der 
bresent. Macher, haf you consiteret dot broposition 
for elegdrick lights in dis ziglone zellar? (^Tremendous 
flash and splitting thunder.') 

Adolph. ( Who was nervously trying to light his candle 
drops it panic stricken?) I say now this is gettin' to be a 
beastly boah. 

Sol. I. Frent Puterbaugh, allow me, {^Lights match?) 
You vas standin' in your own lighdt, my tear sir. 

Adolph. I should say that I'm standing in me own 
dark. [Laughs.) Aw, wathaw good joke that, best I've 
made since I left New Yawk. You cawn't make a good 
joke in this blawsted country. Climate so vewy de- 
pwessing. We're an awfully witty lot of chaps in the 
Manhattan Club. 

Jim F. [At door.) How is it outside, major? (Jim 
ajid T. look out intently.) 

Sol. I. [Lighting K.'''s> candle after some trouble.) Der 
glimate vas hart on matches in Dexas. Mine frent, a 
goot shoke is ter best donic for te nerfs excebt a ziglone 
bolicy — 

Adolph. I say now Mistah — ah, I cawn't quite 
wecall youah name. 

Sol. I. Solomon Isaacstein, Bromoter, Nye Yorick 
oont San Franzisco. [Confidentially.) Let me make a 
broposition, der macher vas a little slow. 

Adolph. He keeps a beastly place heah, don't you 
know. 

Sol. I. [Enthusiastically with the Jew gestures of the 
comic papers.) Ogzactly, ogzactly, but petter oxpressed 
dan I could oxpress it. Dis blace vas not up mit der 
dimes even for Dexas. It needs elegdrick Lights [sud- 
denly struck by idea) oont, py chorge, [slaps A. 's shoulder 
till latter staggers) vat you say to pilliarts in dis 
zellar? 

Adolph. By Jove! Good idea, don't you know. 
Sol. I. Sugchest it to Macher Downsley. My prud 
der Abe Isaacstein makes pilliart dables. He gives a 
tiscount of dwenty per zent to der drade, put I makes 
Abe gif me sefenty-fife per zent. I'll tifide dot gom- 

216 



mission 




noise. 




Mrs. 


B. 


Mrs. 


T. 


killed? 




Mrs. 


B. 


Mrs. 


T. 



A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 11 

[Crash of thunder^ lightning.^ Himmel, vat a 

I know we'll all be killed, 

Pattie Baggs, are you hankering to be 

Oh Mrs. Townsley, how can you talk so? 
Keep still, then. {Aside.) That poor dude's 
nearly scared to death already. 

Jim F. [At door.) There she goes. 

Mrs. T. The hotel? 

Jim F. No, the stable. {Enthusiastically.) IjOokditXh^tl 

Chorus What is it? 

Jack. {Riuis.) Lemme see. 

Town. Sit down, will you, boy. 

Jim F. Aint that great! Aint it? 

Mrs. B. Do tell us, Jim. {Pause.) 

Jim F. Why, that old brindle mule. When the 
stable went it riled him so he's got his grit up an',dum 
me, if he aint just kickin' the cyclone to strings right 
an' left; he's splittin' it wide open. 

Adolph. Gwaciousme! 

Jim F. But it'll git the better of 'im, I 'low. He's 
gittin old an' short-winded an' that cyclone holds a 
full hand. There goes a cabin. Look at it, major. 
Why, I'll be shot if there aint three coon skins nailed 
on the door an' a nigger smokin' a, pipe, as cool as 
patent ice. 

Adolph. Gwacious, my twunk ! 

Sol. I. Oont no inzurance? No? I'll write an 
emerchency bolicy for fifty per zent extra. 

Town. Jim, you've a good eye to see coon skins in 
that light. 

Jim F. {Looks again.) Hanged, if I wasn't mistaken. 
It's fox skins. Might a knowed that by the rings on 
the tails. Old Brindle's knocked out! No, he isn't. 
He's taken a hitch round an apple tree with his tail. 
There goes the tree, roots an' all, an' the mule holdin' 
on by his tail. The cabin's out o' sight now. 

Mrs. B. Mercy me, Jim, d'ye see any cyars? John's 
in the cyars. 

217 



12 A DUDE IN A CYCLONE. 

Jim F. No, Mrs. Baggs, I don't see no cyars, but if 
there doesn't go half a mile o' track sailin' along over 
the tree tops. 

Mrs. B. Mercy on us! I'll bet the cyars is wrecked 
an' John's hurt. Oh Jim — 

Jim. Don't be skeared, mom! The cyars didn't get 
into the cyclone, only the locomotive. It's still runnin' 
nateral as life. The fireman's heavin' in coal. 

Adolph. I weally cawn't get back to New Yawk 
without me twunk. 

Sol. I. Ton't co pack py Nye Yorick yet, mine 
frent. You haf not seen half ter peauties of dis great 
gountry alretty. 

JiM.T. There it's about over now. Major Townsley, 
I'll bet three to one that old mule doesn't get back 
inside three days. It took him two days last time an' 
he's gittin' old an' stiff. '{Gets lighter.) 

Sol. I. {^To Adolph.) Mine frent, dot was a^coot 
pet. We'll make up a little zindigate oont dry it. Jim, 
I dakes ten tollars vort of dot pet, hants town. [Gets 
daylight again. ) 

Mrs. T. Townsley, is the hotel gone? 

Town. {Unbarring door.) No, only the roof and 
the chimneys. Jim has been exaggerating slightly. 

Sol. I. I suspected oxacheration. I've pin dere 
pefore. {Struck with idea.) Py cracious, I'll ket up an 
oxacheration bolicy for dis gountry. It would be a 
vortune broperly hantled. (T. opens door.) 

Mrs. T. {Going toward door.) Roof gone and dinner 
ruined. 

Adolph. And my twunk gone to the bow wows, an' 
it' s half an howah pawst the time to change me linen. 
{All going i?., Sol. last., snaking notes.) 

Sol. I. {Calls.) Mr. Bewterpaugh! Mr. Bewter- 
paugh! {Overtakes h.) I'll find dot drunk for a slighdt 
atvance, cash town. 

Quick Curtain. 



218 



It's All in the Pay-Streak 



A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



By T. S. DENISON 

Author Of 

Odds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A 
Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, 
Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Couniry Jus- 
tice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen 
Peddler, The School Ma'am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, 
Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, 
The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, 
Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O'Wang, Re- 
jected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P' s Beauty Parlors, Topp's 
Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It's all in the Pay-Streak, 
The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues. 

Also the Nov els ^ 

The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc. 



CHICAGO : 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 Randolph Street. 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

IT'S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 



Characters. 
John Lawton. 
Flossie, his young daughter. 
Herbert, his son, an outcast. 
Harvey Vance, Flossie's accepted lover. 
Jim Rogers, alias "Pay Streak," a rustler. 
Mollie Baker, alias " The Rocky Mountain Grouse. " 
Rachel, old family servant of Lawton's. 



Time of playing^ one hour, forty mi7iutes. 



Properties. 



Ring for Florence, money, architect's plan, two pis- 
tols, dishes, towels, skillet, stove for cabin, gun, card 
tray, card, oranges in basket, two cots, blankets, news- 
paper, cartridge belt. 

Costumes. 

The costumes of this play are all '* of the day" ex- 
cept the make-up of Rogers and Vance in the moun- 
tains, Act II. These are: Brown coarse overalls and 
blouse or roundabout. (Blue will answer, but is not 
right.) Cartridge belt when worn is heavy and full of 
cartridges; slouch hats, black or white, to taste; very 
heavy boots (not shoes), very dusty; overalls may be in 
boot tops or not; for variety, one each way will do. 
Vance may have very long whiskers or stubble. Pay 
Streak is more juvenile and may be shaven. Face very 
brown. Clothing greasy and smeared with clay. 



Hints on Presentation. 

This play has been written from mining life and 
hotel life as the author has actually found it, except 

COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENNISON. 
220 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 3 

that miners employ a very energetic and picturesque 
profanity which can not be reproduced in a play. One 
caution is necessary in the characters of " Pay Streak" 
and the " Rocky Mountain Grouse." The man is not a 
down and the girl is not coarse. Miners are serious 
people, and however ludicrous their conversation and 
actions may appear to outsiders, to themselves it is 
earnestness. A man who will stand up and die in de- 
fense of his claim must be an earnest man. The other 
characters need no special elucidation. Great care must 
be taken, in the duel scene, to use blank cartridges. 
Any mistake here may prove real tragedy. 



BILL OF THE PLAY. 

Act I. The outcast brother. His return. The 
engagement ring. The terrible mistake. 

Act II. Cabin of Rogers & Vance, Gunnison 
county, Colorado. " There's a man lookin' for pard." 
The meeting. The duel. Too late. 

Act III. Hotel, Indian River, Florida. Two wan- 
derers and a bride and groom. The unexpected meet- 
ing. Reconciliation. "Look for the Pay Streak." 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of the stage; C, center; R. C, 
right center; Z. , left; i E.^ first entrance; U. E.^ 
upper entrance, etc. ; D. E.^ door in flat or back of the 
stage. The actor is supposed to be facing the audience. 



221 



IT'S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

Act 1 




Door 



Window 



Yoi 



uav^ 



liiiiii i i il 

Piano 

Table 



O 



Chairs 



Act II 




Cot 
,§ O Chair 



Door 

r 



Window 



Stove 



Table 



O Q OLogs ^\ 




Act III 




Ox horns 




2^2 



IT'S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 



Scene — Home of the Lawton s^ entrance R. and L. in i. 
Window in flat C. , piano up L. by flat^ sofa up R. , 
table down L. C. with chairs. Portrait of lady on flat 
R. of ivifidow, flo7vers on mantel piece R. In this play 
L. always means L i, and R.^R i. Discovered as curtain 
rises^ Flossie reading note. Lamp lighted on table. 

Flossie. What am I to do ? {Reads.) ''Meet me at 
eight at the old oak by the spring." The poor boy 
doesn't know that the grove is cut down and the whole 
place built up with cottages. Five years since he left, 
and we thought he was dead. He must be desperate 
to come back like this and take the chance of meeting- 
father. Poor boy! Papa is so unrelenting. Snapped 
Rachel up for even mentioning Herbert's name once. 
And he was always Rachel's pet. Oh, if she doesn't 
find him ! I ought to have gone myself,but I was afraid. 
He'll think that I, too, never forgave him. (Moves 
nervously.) I can hardly wait till Rachel returns. If 
she doesn't find him — 

Enter Mr. Lawton, R. 

Law. Daughter, is my paper here? 

Flo. It is on the table, papa. (Law. seats by table.) 

Law. Rachel is very careless lately. I always want 
my paper in the library. I've spent half the time I had 
to read looking for it. 

Flo. I'm very sorry, papa. 

Law, Florence, you don't hold a very firm rein. 
The servants run the house. [Reading.) 

Flo. But papa, Rachel has been here ever since I 
can remember. Why shouldn't she manage? She 

223 



6 IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. » 

knows everything about housekeeping much better 
than I. 

Law. You are too easy, child. Your mother always 
allowed herself to be imposed on through sheer good 
nature. 

Flo. Why, papa, nobody imposes on me. Rachel 
is almost a mother to me. 

Law. You must be firm. It may do with Rachel, 
but the others — {looks up.) Why Flossie, bless me, 
what ails you? (Flo. wipes eyes.) I didn't mean to 
scold, but really — there now, never mind. Perhaps I 
spoke too sharply. 

Flo. Dear father, you have always been so good, 
but — [pause, ) 

Law. [Gazing at her.) But what, Flossie? Don't 
mind me. I forgot that you are scarcely more than a 
child. 

Flo. [With slight opposition. ) I'm 7iot a child. I am 
eighteen. I want to be treated as a woman. 

Law. [Laughs.) Very well. Miss Florence Lawton, 
what does my young lady want? 

Flo. I want — [nervously) I want a great deal. 

Law. All young ladies do nowadays. A new gown, 
or diamonds possibly? 

Flo. Can't a woman think of anything besides dress ? 

Law. Some women can't. 

Flo. If mother were living and asked you some- 
thing seriously, you wouldn't treat her that way. 

Law. [Rises takes her hands tenderly.) Child, there 
is something on your mind, speak freely. As I see you 
before me, I see the image of your dear mother. Flos- 
sie, when you ask, you ask for tiao. 

Flo. Then, dearest papa, may I ask a very — very 
great favor? So great that — I'm afraid to ask it. 

Law. [Seriously.) Why, my child, what is the 
matter ? 

Flo. [Looks at him intently.) Nothing much. [With 
feeling.) Dear papa — 

Law. Speak out. Am I such an ogre as to frighten 
my own child. Why make so much ado about it? 

224 



it's all in the pay streak. 7 

(Pause.) Florence, why don't you speak? Has Mr. 
Vance been disagreeable? 

Flo. {With dowficast eyes.) It isn't Harvey — how 
absurd — {nervously) Oh papa, do you think that — 
brother Herbert — 

Law. {Hardening, short pause, then with effort.) 
Daughter, why do you wring my heart like this? That 
name is forbidden in this house. 

Flo. But Herbert is your son and my brother. 

Law. No, I have no son and you have no brother. 
He disgraced us and then robbed us. He sent your 
mother to her grave. {With feeling.) He is dead. 

Flo. But if he were not dead ? 

Law. I know what you mean. But he is dead to us. 
I had some months ago a letter from him which I 
burned unopened. I've heard enough of his pretended 
repentance. 

Flo. Oh papa — 

Law. Has he written to you? 

Flo. He only begs forgiveness. He does not ask 
for money. 

Law. Florence, I forbid you to communicate with 
him or speak his name. If he comes back here the 
prison is ready for him. Flossie, no disobedience, 
remember. 

Flo. Where are you going, papa? 

Law. To the lodge. Good-bye. {Exit Law, R.) 
■ Flo. What can I do ? My duty is to a poor, needy, 
erring brother as well as to my father. And papa is so 
hard on that point. 

Enter Rachel, Z. 

Flo. {Breathlessly.) Did you find him, Rachel ? 
Rach. Yes, the poor boy was that glad to see me, 
he fairly hugged me. 
Flo. Where is he? 
Rach. He came with me. 
Flo. That is dangerous, he may be seen here. 
Rach. He would come. He must see you. 
Flo. I wonder if I'd know him? 
15 225 



8 it's all in the pay streak. 

Rach. I'm afraid not, Miss Flossie. 

Flo. Is he so changed ? 

Rach. He looks thin an' tired like. 

Flo. Poor Herbert! Did he ask about me or papa? 

Rach. You first! The po'or child was wanderin' 
round like a stray sheep. He didn't know that the old 
place was sold for lots. It seemed to make him sad. 

Flo. Rachel, what shall we do? 

Rach. Did you speak to Mr. Lawton ? 

Flo. Yes, and papa frightened me. He seemed so 
bitter — and so hurt. 

Rach. I'll tell him I think he is too harsh. 

Flo. No, Rachel, leave that to me. 

Rach. Then Herbie will have to wait. If you don't 
mind my sayin' it, he did act pretty bad. 

Flo. But we must forgive, always, Rachel. 

Rach. Land, haven't I cried for him many's the 
time. Your mother and I often spoke of him between 
ourselves. 

Flo. Where is he now? 

Rach. In the kitchen. 

Flo. I'll see him here. He shall never say that his 
only sister received him in the kitchen. 

Rach. But the risk, Miss Florence. 

Flo. Papa is at the lodge, and I expect no one this 
evening. How does he look, Rachel? Do you think 
I'll know him ? 

Rach. I guess not. In fact, he's desprit shabby. 

Flo. Then we must give him some clothes. Papa 
has plenty, and I think they are about of a size. 

Rach. Yes, I think they be. Shall I fix him up a 
little? 

Flo. Yes, get papa's last year's gray suit. I'll be 
there in a minute. I'll see v/hat money I have. ( Takes 
out purse. Exit 'Kack. L.) Dear me! I've only a piti- 
ful two dollars and some silver. I've been too extrava- 
gant. 

Enter Harvey Vance, R, 

Vance. Good evening, Flossie. 

236 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. g 

Flo. (Drops purse. ) Oh, Mr. Vance, you startled 
me. 

Vance. {Gallantly picks up pocketbook.') Mister Vance! 
You are very formal. I used to be Harvey. 

Flo. (Embarrassed.^ But I didn't expect you. 

Vance. Of course not. I thought I'd surprise you. 
(Notices her.) Why, Flossie, are you ill? You are 
trembling like a leaf. (Be seated, offers to help her to a 
seat; she gently repulses him. ) 

Flo. (Hesitates.) I didn't expect you. 

Vance. I don't see why my sudden appearance 
should affect you that way, since we are to be married 
in a month. 

Flo. Pardon me, Harvey. I — I think I — 

Vance. (Anxiously.) My dear, you are ill! Do sit 
down. (She refuses as before.) 

Flo. I am not ill — only — (luith effort) I am cross 
to-night. 

Vance. (Laughs lightly.) If that is all I'll talk you 
into a good humor. I have the plan of our new house 
here. It will be the finest on the hill. I've had that 
staircase changed. I wish to see if it meets your ap- 
proval. It must go to the contractors by to-night's 
mail ; that's why I came. 

Enter Rachel, door L, then about to ivithdraiv suddenly. 

Flo. Rachel ! 

Rach. Miss Florence? (Putting in head again.) 

Flo. I'll give the orders later. 

Rach. Yes, Miss! (Exit.) 

Vance. (Sits at table.) Sit down, Flossie. This plan 
has been altered since — 

Flo. Harvey, please — I cannot look at the plan to- 
night! 

Vance. Why not? 

Flo, I am not in the mood. Excuse me please. 

Vance. But it must go immediately! 

Flo. Send it! I don't care about the changes! 

Vance. But you did care. 

Flo. I don't care now. 

227 



lO IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

Vance (Anxiously. ) Don't care now ? Our own 
house? Why, Florence! 

Flo. I mean I can't look at it now. 

Vance. [Rises.) Florence, don't you think you are 
just a little bit capricious sometimes? 

Flo. {Nervously.) Perhaps! Why not? Must a wo- 
man smile always? 

Vance. Flossie, you don't want to see me to-night, 
that is plain. 

Flo, Harvey, you men are so exacting. There are 
times when one wants to — to be let alone. 

Vance. There now! We'll not quarrel. We have 
never quarreled yet. I thought you'd like to see me — 
I mean the plan. But you don't. 

Flo. Why don't you show it to papa? He's at the 
lodge. Go and meet him. 

Vance. I don't think he is interested in it very 
much. But I guess I'll try it. 

Flo. [Pleased.) Oh, do Harvey. 

Vance. Florence, excuse my thoughtlessness. I have 
intruded. I beg pardon, I see there are times when 
even a man's sweetheart isn't interested in his plans. 

Flo. (Coaxingly.) Harvey, don't be absurd. 

Vance. I am not absurd. I've only been thought- 
less, that's all. (Going R.) Good night. 

Flo. Good night. [Goes to door with him.) I'm so 
sorry, (^jc// Vance, j^.) There's a narrow escape and 
what K'/// Harvey think of me. I have actually been rude. 
Why, he left his plan after all ! {Goes L. , calls Rachel. ) 

Enter Rachel, L. 

Flo. The coast is clear, Rachel, I actually feel 
guilty. If papa should return — 

Rach. Shall I bring him in? 

Flo. Yes, be quick, (^jt:// Rachel, Z.) I must get 
him away. To think that he must be driven like a 
tramp from his own home. 

Enter Herbert, Z. He advances and then stands with 
down- cast look. 

228 



ITS ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. II 

Flo. Oh Herbert, dear brother! {^Advances toward 
him.) Why, Herbie, can't you speak to me? 

Herb. {Adva?ices.) Little Flossie! 

Flo. Not so little now! ( Grasping both his hajids^ hesi- 
tates.) I thought you might kiss your sister. 

Herb. Flossie, can you forgive me? {^Kisses her.) 

Flo, Am I not your sister ? 

Herb. {Admi?'ing her.) How you have grown! and 
how pretty you are! Just the image of mother. (Starts, 
ivipes away tear.) Dare I ask her forgiveness, too? I 
cannot look her in the face. 

Flo. Oh Herbert ! 

Herb. What is it, Flossie? How strange you look! 
Where is mother? 

Flo. (Takes him gently by the hand and leads him to por- 
trait.) There! 

Herb. (Looks at picture then at Y\.o.., staggers to chair.) 
Dead! God forgive me, I killed her. (Buries his face 
ill his hands.) 

Flo. (With handkerchief to eyes, in broken voice.) Her- 
bert, we must all die. She is happy now. 

Herb. And I, miserable wretch, repaid her love 
with disobedience. I broke her heart. 

Flo. (Gently takes his hand.) Brother, have you 
asked God to forgive you? 

Herb. Yes, but my prayers are in vain. 

Flo. No, God forgives, and she has forgiven. She 
died with your name on her lips. 

FIerb. (Moved.) I must go now. For months I have 
dwelt upon the time when I could fall on my knees at 
her side and ask her forgiveness. Now there is only 
the hard world for me. And father — 
• Flo. You must not see him yet. 

Herb. He is still relentless? I do not blame him, 
but he m.ight have written me that she was dead — • 

Flo. We thought — 

Herb. (Looks at her.) You thought I was dead, too ? 
I wish I had died. 

Flo. Herbert, you are still young, there is time yet. 

Herb. Too late. I know father too well. He never 

229 



i2 ITS ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

will forgive me. When I took mother's jewels — that 
turned his heart to stone. 

Flo. Dear brother, I will win him over if you give 
me time. But he must know that you have truly re- 
pented. What are you doing now ? 

Herb. God knows, I am trying. I have had hard 
luck. I came to the door like a tramp. And here I am 
in /lis clothes. I'd sooner beg than take them, but 
Rachel made me put them on. 

Flo. But you have been earning something. 
Herb. {Bitterly.) Something! Yes, fifteen dollars 
per month in a livery stable and sleep in the stable. 
Flo. Oh Herbert! 

Herb. And I lost that job three months ago. Times 
were so hard they couldn't keep me. 
Flo. Have you no money? 

Herb. [Bitterly.) Money! and out of work so long! 
Florence, you don't know the world. 

Flo. I'll give you some. But I have so little, only 
two dollars. Take that. [Gives mo?7ey.) 

Herb. [Smiling.) I suppose you'll think I want to 
work the family for money. That is about all I ever 
did. 

Flo. Nonsense, Herbie. I only wish I had more. 
Isn't there some friend? 

Herb. Friend! [Laughs bitterly.) Friends! Mine all 
quit me when my money was done. 

Flo. [Suddenly. ) Oh, I know of one, he'll help you. 
Herb. I haven't a friend in the world. Who is he, 
Flossie? 

Flo. [Hesitating.) A friend of — of the family. A 
good friend. 

Herb. [Pause^ he regards her.) A very good friend? 
Flo. Yes, the noblest friend in the world. 
Herb. [Sf?iiling.) I begin to see, little sister. Going 
to marry him? 

Flo. Yes, next month. 
Herb. Lucky fellow! 

Flo. And then papa will be lonely and he may — 
I'll try my best. 

230 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. I^ 

Herb. He never will, not for years anyway, if ever. 
Who is your friend? 

Flo. Harvey Vance. You don't know him. He is 
a new man who started a carriage factory here. He 
doesn't even know that I have a brother. 

Herb. You had better tell him, Flossie. Don't 
keep anything back. He mightn't like it if he heard 
afterwards from some one else. 

Flo. I don't like to speak against you. 

Herb. Then just say there is a black sheep in the 
family. If he wants to know more, he'll ask. 

Flo. Oh, he is so honorable, he'd never ask; and 
he'll help you. 

Herb. I'd rather work my own way. I look pretty 
well in these clothes, though they are not exactly a fit. 
The governor is stouter than he used to be. 

Flo. Papa is very well and strong. 

Herb. (Laughs.^ Yes, and I imagine it wouldn't 
be healthy for me if he caught me here. 

Flo. Oh no, and — I can't tell you — but you must 
go. And you must leave town, too. 

Herb. I can't leave town on two dollars unless I 
tramp it. And that puts me back beyond hope. If I 
could only get to Chicago. Times are improving and I 
might get work. 

Flo. How much do you need? 

Herb. I couldn't do with less than twenty dollars. 

Flo. And I've been such an extravagant little goose. 
I've spent all my money. My jewels — 

Herb. (Sfar/i'/ig.) Jewels! My God, don't mention 
jewels! 

Flo. Pardon me Herbie, I forgot. 

Herb. Rachel always has money. 

Flo. But it is all in the savings bank. She depos- 
ited to day 

Herb. I'll wait till to-morrow. 

Flo. No, no, you must not wait till to-morrow. 
You must go to-night. 

Herb. {^Bitter feeling i-eturning.^ But why are you 
all so anxious to get rid of me. I'll go soon enough. 

231 



14 it's all in the pay streak. 

Flo. I can't tell you I Papa — 

Herb. {^Starting. ) I remember now. {^Bitterly. ) 
Prison! He threatened me. No, there is no place here 
for me. 

Flo. There is no way but the jewels. Papa gave me 
a necklace. 

Herb, Never! I'll never touch his money after that 
threat. I'll tramp first. Perhaps he'd like to have his 
son a tramp. Perhaps the people of this town would 
like to see me further disgraced, curse them. 

Flo. Herbert! Herbert, how can you speak so? But 
you must go. 

Herb. Yes, I must go. Ha!ha! I'llgo. The gov- 
ernor will soon be back from the lodge and he — no I 
can't say anything against him for I have wronged him 
too deeply. {Pause, looks at herring.) Florence, that 
ring is worth one hundred dollars. I could easy get 
twenty on it. 

Flo. But that is his ring, my engagement ring. I 
couldn't part with that. 

Herb, No, of course not, Flossie. Forgive me for 
suggesting such a thing. I'll try to get along some- 
how. 

Flo. Go to the next town, keep quiet, and I'll send 
the money. 

Herb. Everybody knows me there. 

Enter Vance, 7?., imobserved, stops surprised. 

Flo. Of course! I could meet you somewhere. 
( Vance surprised stops. ) 

Herb. That might be arranged, but where? 

Flo. I'm afraid I couldn't get away to-morrow. 
{^V a nee puzzled., moves as if to go out. ) 

Herb. Dear Flossie, I'll leave it all to you. You 
are my only hope. {Vance struck with suspicio7t stops , 
then stands like a statue.) 

Flo. Herbert, I shall never give you up, no matter 
what happens. I think of you night and day. (Vance 
hand to head with gesture of anguish. ) Pshaw ! this is no 
time for hesitation. {Takes off ring.) Take this! If 

232 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 15 

he misses it I'll make some excuse. It's easy enough 
to put him off. [They go L.) 

Vance. ( With anguish^ low fo?ie.) Oh God ! viy v\ng\ 

Flo. {Tur?is,sees Y.^ screams.) Oh! Mr. Vance, how 
you startle me! Why did you come in that way? 

Vance. [In husky voice.) I startle you! Heaven 
help me! What have jw/ done to me? Stabbed me to 
the heart. 

Flo. Oh, Mr. Vance, please — 

Vance. Save your words, false woman, traitress, 
shameless creature, you drove me away to meet him 
here. (Flo. totters back grasping chair. Vance advances 
in a furious passion. ) Oh the shame ! Woman ! woman ! 
{^She shrinks back speechless) I could strangle such a viper. 
{Drops his hands, head falls 07t breast.) No, I can't strike 
her for I loved her. Traitress, farewell ! (Flo. drops 
se?iseless. ) 

Herb. Help! Rachel! {Dropping on knees beside 
Flo., raises her head.) Coward! Wretch! You shall 
answer for this. 

Vance. {With passionate scor7i and deliberation.) Yes, 
I'll answer, and I'll kill you at sight like a dog. 
Quick Curtain. 



ACT. II. 



Scene — Alining camp in Rocky Mountains. Cabin set to 
show intei'ior. Door R. in i . Rude cot near R. corner, 
and another in L.; stove with skillet against rear wall, L. 
C. ; plank cupboard against side wall R. j window flat be- 
tween stove and cot; rough pine table dowji C, with 
seats at either side, of sawed log; rough chair, rocks on 
table, gun on hooks, L. ; overalls, etc. , on floor and on nails; 
coffeepot, very dirty toivel, etc. ,etc. PayStreak discovered 
as cui'tain rises, seiving buttons on overalls, business of 
threading needle and tangling thread. 

Pay S. That pesky thread is enough to rile ole Job, 
I reckon. It takes my pard to sew on buttons. He 
goes at it 'sif he'd been a tailor in his time. He's the 
coolest cuss in camp anyway. Wy, when we struck it 

233 



l6 IT*S ALL IN THE PAY STREAIC. 

rich in the "Little Lucy" lode what did he do? Jump 
round an' holler an' say, "Boys, we've got it bigger'n 
an elephant ?" Nary time ; jest said, " I 'low if it holds 
out we're pretty well heeled." Didn't seem to care 
whether it held out or not. Bet yer boots / care. I've 
been poor as a church mouse too long not to care. What 
did I do when I seen the assay went $500 to the ton? 
Wy, I jist slipped over to oleman Baker's place an' 
asked the Grouse if she'd like to hitch. I was afraid 
o' that cuss from Tenderfoot Gulch, that Lonesome 
Mose. He's struck it, too. What d'ye s'pose she said ? 
" Pay Streak, what does she go to the ton ?" " Five hun- 
dred, Mollie," sez I, awful anxious, fur I didn't know 
what Mose's assay showed. An says the Grouse, "I'll 
'think about it, Jim." Called me Jim instead o' Pay 
Streak. I couldn't stand that, an' cust if I didn't 
give her a smack 'at sounded like a giant cap bustin'. 
She didn't git very mad, an' then I knowed it was good 
as settled. [Fulls at thread and breaks it.') Cuss that 
thread! I reckon that'll hold till Mollie takes charge 
o' my traps. [Lawton raps at door, unth catie, 7?.) 

Pay S. Come in, stranger! 

Law. Is this Vance & Rogers' place? 

Pay S. It is; step right in; there ain't no call to 
rap at any miner's door in the Rocky Mountains, but of 
course you don't know that, bein' a tenderfoot. 

Law. Oh, yes, I know that a miner's door is always 
open. Are you Rogers? 

Pay S. Correct y'are! Squat. {IVipes off chair ivith 

towel. ) 

Law. This is just as good. [Seats himself on one of 
logs, Pay S. on the other.) Are you the man they call 
Pay Streak ? 

Pay S. That's my sobriquet (sobrikwet), as the editor 
calls it. The boys called me Pay Streak because I've 
a way o' askin' how wide the pay streak is when they 
git to talkin' about their claims. I al'ays look at the 
pay streak first. A man's the same as a mine; when 
ye've seen the width of his pay streak, ye've got his 
measure. 

234 



it's all in the pay streak. 17 

Law. It's not a bad name, either. 

Pay S. Becherlife it aint. Some sense in it. Now if 
they'd called me Lonesome Mose as they do that in- 
exorable cuss over in Tenderfoot Gulch I'd a killed 
a few of them jist to change my luck. 

Law. I hear you boys have struck it rich. 

Pay S. Bigger'n a four-hoss team an' band wagon, 
stranger. 

Law. Let me see, what is your partner's full name? 

Pay S. Vance! Harvey Vance! The boys call him 
"Old Silence" 'cause he says mighty little an' don't 
talk no minin' guff about his claims. 

Law. Where does he hail from? 

Pay S. Illinois. 

Law. Where is he to-day? I believe I know him. 

Pay S. {Jumping lip.') What! you know my pard, 
stranger! Now why did ye go beatin' round the bush? 
That aint a square deal ! Why didn't ye jist walk in an* 
hang up yer hat? Take that there chair! No, but ye 
must. {Law takes chair.) We haint much hyur, but all 
we got belongs to any friends o' Old Silence. Scuse 
me, I mean your friend Vance. 

Law. Oh, that's all right, no apologies. 

Pay S. Stranger, I'm cussed glad to see you. Shake ! 
Wy, we've been hyur two year and never a soul come 
along that was an old friend. I've a whole raft o' kin 
in Missouri, but none of 'em drifts to this camp. You 
kin bet yer liver, pard' 11 be glad to see ye. 

Law. I hope so, it's a good while since I saw him. 

Pay S. I'll bet my share in the Little Lucy — an' we 
was offered $100,000 last week fur it — that my pardner 
haint any friends he's ashamed of. 

Law. No, he isn't that kind 

Pay S. That's straight! ye can't tell me nothin' 
about him an' his outfit. Anything he says goes, on 
this hill. That's 'cause he doesn't say much. 

Law. Where is Mr. Vance to-day? 

Pay S. I was jist wonderin' myself, when you 
dropped in. The gun aint gone so I 'low he is'nt far 
away. 

235 



16 IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

Law. Could I have a short talk with him privately? 

Pay S. Could you talk with him privately ? Stranger, 
hain't I jist said this place was your'n. When he comes 
I'll vamoose quick, savvy ? I 'low he's out at the Lucy 
lookin' at the truck. Pard, it's good fur sore eyes to 
look at that truck, $500 to the ton. 

Law. I might walk out and meet him, if you don't 
object. 

Pay S. O^jectl Stranger, really ye're not talkin' 
on the square. How could I ^/^ject. Wy, the moun- 
tain's your'n! Everything in sight is your'n! 

Law. Thank you, Pay Streak! By the way, what 
is your full name? 

Pay S. Rogers, Jim Rogers. Lll take ye to the Lucy. 
No, I recken you want to see him private. {Goes to 
doorr) Well, foller the path straight ahead about two 
hundred yards. 

Law. Thank you, Mr. Rogers. I'll see you again. 

Pay S. Krect. {Exit Law R.) I'll bet he's a finan- 
cer an' wants to buy the Little Lucy. Well, he can't. 
She has a pay streak wuth talkin' about, two feet wide 
an' five hundred to the ton. {Looks out. ) Great guns, 
if they aint ladies a comin'! Wonder if they'll stop 
here fur a drink o' water or anything? I haint been in 
society sence I left Missouri. I'll be shot if it aint the 
Grouse an' — an' a strange lady. The Grouse is comin' 
to take us by s'prise. This place is in a nice ruction 
fur company. Haint made my bed yet. {Runs to bed 
R^ turns up the blankets and tries to smooth out the pillow. ) 
That pillar's harder'n one o' Lonsome Mose's flapjacks. 
{Hammers at pillow.^ Ought ter been filled at the saw- 
mill long ago. An' that towel aint been washed fur 
a month. {Flips toivel under the bed.) Lll git one o' 
Vance's towels. {Takes clean towel out of cupboard and 
hangs it across chair back) Pard's a purty good cook 
but he aint in it washin' dishes. Them plates looks 
tough. {Picks up plates from table., drops knife., picks that 
up and drops plate., ivhich breaks.) Damn it! {Picks up 
pieces., throws the whole into cupboard with a bang., closes 
door.) Look at that skillet, an' fried onions, too, 

236 



it's all in the pay streak. 19 

scentin' the whole mountain. Wher'n thunder kin I 
put them? I guess that's about the place fur them. 
(^Tosses skillet out of wtndoiu.) There, I s'pose that's the 
best I kin do on short notice. {Sits o?i log and pretends 
to be reading old soiled paper ^ rap at door.) Come in! 

Enter Grouse and Flo. 

Grouse. Hello, Mr. Rogers! 

Pay S. Well, I'll be — {catches himself) this is a 
s'prise, Grouse. 

Grouse. Miss Baker, if you please, Mr. Rogers. 

Pay S. {Smprised.^) Oh — of course! Excuse me. 
No offense I hope, Miss Baker. 

Grouse. Mr. Rogers, let me inter duce Miss Lawton. 
She's travelin' to see the mountains. 

Pay S. {Bows awkwardly.) I'm awful glad to see 
you, Miss Lawton. You take the chair. Grouse, I reckon 
you'll have to squat on a log. 

Grouse. {Sitting on table.) Jim Rogers, where's 
yer manners? Nicknames don't go afore company. 

Pay S. No, of course not. {To Flo.) I beg pardon. 
Miss Lawton, but ye see all the miners called her the 
Rocky Mountain Grouse, long ago when she was a little 
tot. 

Grouse. {Making face.) Long ago! I like that. 
"I s'pose I'm old Methusalem now. 

Pay S. {Embarrassed. ) Now looky hyur, Grouse — 
I mean Miss Mollie Baker, what ails ye? I didn't mean 
nothin*. Ye're techy as powder to-day. {To Flo.) 
Excuse me, Miss, but I'm a little off on talkin' to 
ladies. Haint been in society sence I left Joplin, 
Missouri, five years ago. 

Flo. Oh, don't be formal, Mr. Rogers, I like the 
mountain ways. 

Pay S. Wy, to be sure, the mountains is best, lots 
of room, lots of rocks, lots of — of everything. I say. 
Miss Lawton, kin I show you Little Lucy? She's a 
daisy. 

Flo. {Surprised.) Little Lucy! I don't understand. 

Grouse. Pay Streak, you are a greeny. What d'ye 

237 



20 IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

s'pose the lady knows about your lingo. {To Flo.) 
The Little Lucy's a mine. 

Flo. (^Laughing.) I should be delighted to see Lucy 
but I can not to-day, thank you. 

■ Pay S. Oh well, any day'll do. Besides my pard- 
ner, I reckon he could talk to ye. He's a lady's man. 

Flo. {Nervously.) Oh no ! I saw the mines at Lead- 
ville. I just wanted to say that there's a man looking 
for Mr. — for your partner and — 

Pay S. Yes, Miss, I told him where to find him. 

Flo. {Trying to appear calm.) You told him! Miss 
Baker, they musn't meet. 

Grouse. Now you have done it, Jim. They were 
lookin' fur each other. 

Pay S. Holy Moses! How did I know they was 
lookin' fur each other? 

Grouse. Pay Streak, have you been in the moun- 
tains five years an' don't know what a man means when 
he says he's lookin' fur somebody? You don't know 
enough to pound sand in a rat hole. 

Pay S, {Scratching his head.) Well, I don't, ladies, 
an' that's a fact. Why cuss it! {To Flo.) Excuse me^ 
Miss, I may haf to actooally swear afore this job's over. 
But how could I know that that slick chap was lookin' 
fur pard? He only said he wanted to see him. 

Grouse. Well, he mustn't. 

Flo. Oh no, Mr. Rogers — I — I can't tell you why, 
but they must not meet. 

Pay S. {^Bowing awkwardly.) Bet yer life you don't 
need to tell why. When a lady says she wants a thing 
that's enough fur me. I aint askin' why. {Admiring 
glance at Grouse, ) 

Grouse. Then don't stand like a dummy. Git a gait 
on an' stop 'em afore — 

Pay S. Wont I, great guns! {Gets revolver and belt 
from under pillow.) I'll stop 'em if I have to take a 
hand in the game myself. 

Flo. {Alarmed.) Oh no, Mr. Rogers! Please don't 
do that ! 

Pay S. {Surprised.) No? Then I wont. I'll jist 

2a8 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 21 

argy pardner out of it; I aint much on talk, but I'm 
used to him. 

Flo. An' I'll be so grateful! 

Pay S. Don't mention it, Miss. {Struck with idea.) 
I'll convince pardner an' then we'll both convince 
tother chap if we have to pump him full o' lead to do it. 

Flo. Oh, not that, either. You must not do any- 
thing. 

Pay S. {Puzzled.) Well, I'll be — this is a puzzler. 
I give it up. 

Grouse. Why don't you go, Jim? Don't stand there 
like a mud hen on a log. 

Pay S. I'll vamoose instanter, savvy? {Exits hastily 

Flo. Miss Baker, you'll think this very strange. 

Grouse. Not a bit. Miss. I've been there. 

Flo. {Surprised.) But I mean — 

Grouse. Never mind. Jim'll straighten it all out. 
And if you don't want to meet Mr. Vance, you'd better 
skip right off, fur he's liable to turn up any minnit. 
There haint been no shootin' yet or we'd heard it. 

Flo. Oh, I'm so glad. I'll go now and you wait 
to bring me word. 

Grouse. But you may meet tother one on the moun- 
tain. 

Flo. I want to meet him. One word would fix it 
all right. {Exit.) 

Grouse. Well, I never! These fine ladies play a 
big game. Keeps both on the hooks till they git 
fightin' mad an' then goes tearin' round tryin' to make 
peace. Humph! Wants to meet tother one. Well, I 
s'pose he's the one an' Vance gits left. I'm awful sorry 
for Vance fur he's white an' Jim likes him awful well. 
{Sits on table and swings feet.') That comes o' havin' too 
many fellers at onct. I've been there, but I reckon I 
shipped Lonesome Mose jist in time. Good Lord, only 
think o' Pay Streak an' Lonesome Mosecavortin' round 
the mountains lookin' for each other. Why, it makes 
Jim hot fur me even to mention Mose. There's a good 
deal worse than Mose, but I wouldn't look at him 

239 



22 IT S ALL IN THE P.>.Y STREAK. 

beside Jim. I've been dreamin' o' Jim ever since we 
led ttie ball at Cottonwood Pass two years ago last 
winter. If anything 'ud happen Jim — well, the Rocky 
Mountain Grouse would'nt fly so high, that's all. But 
it wouldn't do for me to tell him all that. A little at 
a time kind o' keeps a man look in' for more an' then 
Jim's sort o' gone on himself an' it would make him 
sassy. {Looks out.) Why, there he comes runnin' 

Enter Pay S., R. 

Pay S. {Breathlessly.) Run all the way an' back. 
Can't find 'em nowhere. Where's she? 

Grouse. Gone. She's a sly one. 

Pay S. There yer off yer lead. She'll run away up 
on assay. 

Grouse. I didn't mean that. She's playin' two 
suckers at onct, I guess. 

Pay S. I don't b'lieve it. That woman's no co- 
quette {cokwet). 

Grouse. Why, she said so herself. 

Pays. No! 

Grouse. Fact! But she's had a lesson. She's run to 
the end of the tether an' she knows which 'un she'll 
take. 

Pay S. Then it's my pard, sure. 

Grouse. Taint nether. 

Pay S. Why, tother one is old enough to be her pap. 

Grouse. Don't care if he is. Them city gals don't 
care fur age. They jist look at the rocks. 

Pay S. Well, pardner'll have plenty of stuff when 
we git the Lucy goin' two shifts a day. Say, Grouse, 
why didn't ye mention that to her an' say a good word 
fur pardner ? 

Grouse. Mention that! To her! Land o' twilight! 
It's a heap you know about women. 

Pay S. {Puts arm round her waist.) I know they are 
sweeter than all creation. 

Grouse. {Withdrawing.) Oh, you do, do you? 

Pay S. {Shoving closer to her on table. ) I mean there's 
one that is ole peaches an' honey. {Tries to kiss her.) 

240 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 27, 

Grouse. {Slaps him^ but not very defiantly.) Pay 
Streak, I al'ays thought you'd some sense. 

Pay S. Bet yer boots / know a good thing. Say, 
I'm awful sorry for pard. I cotton to that gal. 

Grouse. Indeed! Then I'd better clear the way. 

Pay S. [Hastily.) I mean fur him. I believe she's 
actooally good enough fur him. 

Grouse. It's no use. He is off the lead. Tother 
chap's campin' on the claim. All ye kin do now is 
keep him away from tother one. 

Pay S. How'll I do it? Where the deuce is pard- 
ner, anyway? He went out after breakfast an' never 
said anything about goin' away. 

Grouse. We'll fix up a scheme. I'm sort o' sorry 
for her. She's awful anxious. 

Pay S. [Enthusiastically.) Yes, I'd do anything fur 
her. 

Grouse. [Looks 7neani ugly.) Oh, indeed! 

Pay S. I mean fur your sake, Mollie. Say, it's aw- 
ful nice to call you Mollie, savvy? 

Grouse. Jim, ye're silly. Why don't you try to 
think. 

Pay S. I jist can't when you are hyur. You think. 

Grouse. Well, where do you guess Vance is? 

Pay S. You didn't meet him goin' to town, so he 
must 'a gone over the mountain to look at the Jumbo. 

Grouse. Then I'll tell ye what to do. You take 
the gun an' meet him an' say that the jumpers are after 
pap's claim again over in the basin. 

Pay S. He'll want me to go 'long then. 

Grouse. Tell him you are goin' back to camp fur 
more men. 

Pay S. I'll be oust! The very thing. [Gets gun.) 

Qrouse. An' do hurry. I'll wait till you come 
back. I'm gittin' skeered. 

Pay S. Don't you worry. Jist let any body sass you 
an' I'll— 

Grouse. Do go on, quick! [Pushes Jiiin out.) It's 
downright silly the way men act about women, wantin' 
to shoot and sayin' they'll die. Humph! An' a wo- 

i6 241 



24 IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

man, she can't donothin' but git scartan'cry an' carry 
on. I do hope he'll git Vance away. It serves her 
right, though, to git a good scare; she'll know how it 
is herself. {Knocking at door, Grouse j/tzr/i'.) Come in! 

Herbert at doof\ 

Herb. Whose cabin is this? 

Grouse. It's Rogers & Vance's, owners of the 
Little Lucy. 

Herb. Is Mr. Vance around ? 

Grouse. He ain't fur away, I guess. Will Rogers 
do? He's jist gone. I kin call him back, but he's in 
a powerful hurry. 

Herb. Don't call him, I'll drop in again. Could 
you give me a drink of water? 

Grouse. Certingly, come in! {Yi'EV.B. steps tJiside, she 
gets dipper ful of water from pail, he drinks.) 

Herb. Thank you, very much. 

Grouse. Don't mention it. [Looks at him.) You're 
a tenderfoot, I guess! 

Herb. [Smiles.) Yes, that is, I have been in Colo- 
rado only six months. They told me of this Vance 
over at Dead Man's Gulch. [Rests foot on log.) 

Grouse. Did you want to see him pertickler? 

Herb. Rather particular, yes. 

Grouse. If it's business, Rogers knows. 

Herb. It's a private matter. Perhaps he is at the 
Lucy ? 

Grouse. He's most likely at the Jumbo. Take the 
the trail straight up an' it's jist over the ridge. 

Herb. Thank you, I'll meet him perhaps. Good day. 
{Exitn., R.) 

Grouse. Pr'apsye wont. I wonder who'll be wantin' 
Vance next ? He's peaceable, I guess. Wants to buy 
the mine mebbe. If he had been an old man — (Pause.) 
Great Jerusalem! I'll bet we're clean off the lea.d, dig- 
ging away in country rock. S'pose that is the feller 
'at's lookin' fur Vance. That gal wouldn't leave no 
young feller like Vance fur an old man. An' I've told! 
Well, I'm a bigger fool than I said Jim was. {Runs 

242 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 25 

around.) F m excited now ! This is a case, sure ! Minds 
me of the time Slim Jim shot Club Foot Pete fur cheat- 
in' at kyards, when pap kep' the tavern at Cottonwood 
Pass. Pap was jistreachin' fur his gun when Pete kind 
o' staggered an' threw up his hands like that, and says 
he: "Baker, I'm done fur — I pass." Them was his last 
words. 

Enter Pay S., excitedly^ R. 

Pay S. I can't find nobody nowhere! 

Grouse. Pay Streak, you're a fool ! 

Pays. {Nettled.) S'pose I am, what's the use o' 
tellin' me every five minutes. 

Grouse. Cause you are, you can't see an inch from 
yer nose. Wat did ye say he was an ^/^/ man, fur? 

Pay S. Cause he was! 

Grouse. He aint ether, an' we might a knowed it. 
He's been hyur, an' he's a young feller. 

Pay S. a young feller lookin' fur my pardner? 

Grouse. Yes, lookin fur' him pertikler. 

Pay S. When it comes to that, if there's any fly 
young feller 'round this hill lookin' fur somebody, 
he'll find a man sure. Mebbe he'll find me afore he 
quits. If he wants a scrap, he needn't wear out shoe 
leather lookin' fur it in Ruby Camp. 

Grouse. {Seriously.) Pay Streak, don't you take 
up nobody else's rows till ye haf to. You'll find 
enough o' yer own in this world. I've seen more o' 
these mountains than you have. Pap kep' tavern fur 
years at the Pass, an' I've seen shootin' scrapes 
enough. I seen Club Foot Pete killed, an' it's an awful 
sight when it's right afore yer eyes. 

Pay S. I ain't a lookin' fur anybody. 

Grouse. But what'll we do? 

Pay S. I don't know. 

Grouse. We've got to do somethin'. 

Pay S. Well, Mollie, wat's your idee? 

Grouse. Go down to camp right away, an' tell pap 
an' git some o' the miners out. Pretend it's jumpers 
over in the Basin. 

243 



26 it's all in the pay streak. 

Pay S. Will you go 'long to camp? 

Grouse. No, I'll wait hyur for Vance. If becomes 
I'll send him to the Basin, 

Pay S. {Going.) I'll round 'em up. 

Grouse. An' give that strange feller a tip that it 
'ud be healthier fur him to take the next stage back to 
Dead Man's Gulch. 

Pay S. Stage! Humph! walkin's good that direc- 
tion. {Exit hurriedly R.) 

Grouse. Men's all fools, I guess. Fightin' about 
claims an' women as if there wasn't plenty o' both to 
go round. Women's bigger fools to Qgg 'em on. I 
needn't brag, ether. S'pose I'd drawed on Lonesome 
Mose a little furder, there'd been music in camp. 

Enter Vance, R. 

Vance. Hello, Grouse, you here! 

Grouse. I guess so, ye see me, don't ye ? 

Vance. I have that pleasure. [She coiirtsies.) You 
are waiting to see Jim of course. Where is that boy, 
anyway? 

Grouse. [With toss of head.) Waitin' fur Jim. I 
euess not. When I wait fur a man I wait at home. 

Vance. Of course, Miss Baker, no offense. 

Grouse. Where in creation havejw/ been all 
morn in' ? 

Vance. I felt out of sorts and I went over to the 
mineral spring to take a good drink of that water. 

Grouse. I'll bet you are the first man in Ruby Camp 
that ever walked two miles fur a drink o' water. 

Vance. I like to watch the silver bubbles boiling 
up from the clear depths. 

Grouse. Well, / don't go much on them silver bub- 
bles. The silver in em's too thin. Did ye meet any- 
body? 

Vance. [Laughs.) Yes, Lonesome Mose going to 
his claim. He looks lonesomer than ever, lately. 
(^Meaning look at her. ) 

Grouse. Humph! Lonesome Mose! I mean, didn't 
ye meet nobody at all ? 

244 



& 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 2^ 

Vance. Nobody else. {At stove.) Any one lookin' 
forme? Where's our skillet ? I want to get dinner. 

Grouse. {Impatiently.) I don't know nothin' about 
yer ole skillet. Say, Mr. Vance, did you know any 
young ladies in Illinois? 

Vance. {Surprised.) Why, to be sure, plenty of 
them. {Looking.) What on earth has become of that 
skillet? I'm as hungry as a wolf. 

Grouse. That's like a man, he'd haf to eat if he 
died next minnit. 

Vance. He'd die if he didn't. 

Grouse, Dyin' with yer boots on aint so funny. 

Vance. {Surp?'ised.) Why, what do you mean, Miss 
Baker. You seem excited. 

Grouse. {Laughs.) I aint the kind to git excited 
bad. {He looks inquiringly.) An' ye don't know any 
per tickler young lady? 

Vance. {With serious to?ie.) Mollie, every man in 
his time has known soxn^ particular young lady. Some- 
times she is too particular and sometimes not particu- 
lar enough. 

Grouse. I guess this un's jist about right. 

Vance. {Starting.) What do you mean, Mollie? 
Any lady in camp that knows me? 

Grouse. {Laughing.) It 'pears so. She's been hyur. 

Vance. Here! Did she want to see me? 

Grouse. No, she didnt want to see you. 

Vance. Then why the deuce did she come here! 
There's some mistake. {Turns to look for skillet.) I 
wish Jim would let the cooking outfit alone. 

Grouse. Never mind yer ole skillet. I thought 
mebbe you'd meet her on the road. 

Vance. {At cupboard.) Jim is very careless. He 
has been chucking things round again. 

Grouse. You're a nice man to prefer a skillet to a 
young lady. 

Vance. {Surprised.) Excuse me. Grouse, I thought 
we were good enough friends to be informal, I'll not 
look for the skillet any more. 

Grouse. I'm talkin' about her. She was a bute. 

245 



28 it's all in the pay streak. 

Vance. Since she did not want to see me I hardly 
think I am interested in her beauty. 

Grouse. It's too funny that you didn't meet any- 
body. They're lookin' fur you all over the mountain 
to go to the Basin. Jim said ye must go right off. 
The Leadville outfit is tryin' to jump pap's claim 
agin. 

Vance. I don't believe that. It must be a false 
report. 

Grouse. But it ainti Git yer gun and take the 
trail. Ye kin git dinner at Jack's cabin. 

Vance. Why Mollie, Lonesome Mose was in the 
Basin yesterday and he says the Leadville gang have 
all gone. 

Grouse. ( With petula72ce. ) Lonesome Mose, indeed ! 
As if pap didn't know better about his own claim. 
Would you put Mose Randall's word up agin' pap's er 
a lady's? 

Vance. Well, Mollie, I didn't mean to contradict 
you. I'll enquire as soon as I get a bite to eat. 

Grouse. An' yer goin' to wait to eat? 

Vance. Yes, I'll take a snack. 

Grouse. Some men 'ud eat if an earthquake was 
comin'. 

Vance. I can easily catch them before they get to 
Jack's cabin. 

Grouse. An' ye wont go now? Oh do, please, Mr. 
Vance. 

Vance. I don't see the necessity of starving. 

Grouse. I do. 

Vance. Ever try it? 

Grouse. Please don't wait, Mr. Vance. 

Vance. It won't take fifteen minutes. 

Grouse. Well, they's no use tryin' to do anything 
with a man — or a mule. I've got to do somxCthing. 
{Starts hastily.^ 

Vance. What's the rush ? Hold on, Miss Baker. 

Grouse. I wont! {Exit R.^ 

Vance. What on earth ails the Grouse. She always 
was a kitten and I'm afraid she has a temper. Jim'll 

246 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 20 

have to hold a pretty steady rein. {^Looking rotind for 
skillet.') I guess that skillet has taken wings. There's 
Jim's dirty towel under the bed and my clean one on 
the chair back. There has been some one here I guess. 
I wonder if any sneak thief has paid us a visit? (Looks 
at Jim's pillow.') His revolver is gone. {Looks at his 
oivn cot.) Mine is all right. (JPuts his pistol on table.) 

Herbert knocks at door. 

Vance. Hello stranger! Come in! 

Herb. Is this Mr. Vance's place? 

Vance. My name is Vance. 

Herb. {Advances. With meaning.') I've been look- 
ing for you. 

Vance. {Surprised. ) Indeed ! You have found me, 
it seems. Your business, if I may enquire? 

Herb. I guess you know my business. A lady's honor. 

Vance. (Startifig.) K \di(\y'?> honor \ {Recognizes hi?n.') 
And you seek me? So much the better. 

Herb. I come from her to demand an explanation 
for your language and conduct. 

Vance. {Slowly as if with effort.) You come to me, 
and from her? Why, you infamous scoundrel — 

Herb. Hold! Don't waste words, Mr. Vance. 
What you say of me can be settled some other time. 
On her behalf — 

Vance. And you insult me with the mention of that 
heartless, base woman. 

Herb. ( With deep, quiet indignation. ) Stop or I'll kill 
you on the spot. {Drau's pistol.) Only blood can wipe 
out that insult. 

Vance. You are right. I have waited long for this 
meeting. 

Herb. Are you armed ? 

Vance. {Taking up pistol.) As good a 38 as ever 
came to the camp. We'll go up into the pine woods. 

Herb. Why not here in front of your cabin. 

Vance. We may be interrupted. 

Herb. Exactly! I am already suspected and warned 
to leave camp instantly. 

247 



30 



it's all in the pay streak. 



Vance. Then we must use dispatch. {Looks out.) 
There are people coming now, down yonder. Here 
will do as well. 

Herb. As you please, I am ready. 

Vance. {Closes door^ fastens it with latch.) Take 
your place at the door. (V. goes to opposite wall.) I'll 
stand here. I'll count one^ tivo, three. 

Herb. Is that fair? 

Vance. Then you count. 

Herb. I want no advantage. Toss for count. 

Vance. All right! {Produces coin.) Head or tail? 

Herb. Head! 

Vance. {Tossing coin on table.) Head! {tosses) tail! 
{tosses) head! You win. {They take position) I'll 
pull exactly at three. {At ivord three ^ a scream is heard 
outside. Vance fires but Herbert is discoiicerted and, 
staggering., fires wild shot. V ay '^. bursts door open. Flo. 
^/^^ Grouse in door.) 

Pay S. Stop that, instantly! 

Vance. It is done! (Herb, grasping side staggers.) 

Pay S. My God, he is dying. (6"^^^ Herb. 's arm 
and leads him to bed., P.) 

Flo. {Clings to him at other side.) Herbert ! my poor 
brother! Speak! Herbert! {Throws herself on cot, 
seizing his hands. ) 

Vance. ( Who has stood like a statue, drops pistol mechan- 
ically, like a man stricken. ) Her brother ! Oh God, too late! 

Tableau. 

Herb, on cot; Flo. bending over him; Vance L. ivith 
right hand on table, head drooping; Rogers back of table 
regarding him; Grouse R. C. regarding Vance. 

Curtain, 



24* 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 3I 

ACT III. 

Scene — Reception room of tourist hotels Florida; folding 
doors in fiat C. ; piano by wall, Rj settee by wall, L. , 
table C. littered with old periodicals, and some oranges in 
basket', R. R., and steamship advts. on the walls; chairs 
ad lib; big ox horns, stuffed bird, alligator, or other famil- 
iar hotel trapping. If not convenient to have door in fat, 
entrance may be at either side, by re-arrangement of fur- 
niture. Doors always open. Florence and Rachel 
discovered as curtain rises. 

Flo. Rachel, how do you like your first experience 
down South ? 

Rachel. It is all so odd. 

Flo. Are you enjoying it? 

Rach. Oh, so much. I always wanted to travel. I 
never hoped to get such a trip as this. The trees and 
everything are so different. 

Flo. It is much stranger still in Mexico; if you 
could only have seen that. 

Rach. I'll never forget your kindness in giving me 
this trip. 

Flo. Thank papa, Rachel, I was selfish and didn't 
want any maid. It looks foolish for a girl like me to 
have a maid. 

Rach. It's no harm. Mr. Lawton wants you to get 
strong again. 

Flo. (Rather sadly.) Rachel, don't you think I am 
strong? 

Rach. Oh, yes! You look much better lately. 

Enter Mr. Law., D. F. 

Law. I've been looking for you, daughter. What 
is your programme for to-day ? A drive or a sail ? 

Flo. I don't care which, papa, I enjoy everything 
that pleases you. 

Law. But I want you to choose for yourself. I am 
such an old traveler I have seen about everything. 

Flo. What do you say, Rachel ? 

Rach. Laws! Miss Flossie, it ain't for me to choose. 

249 



32 it's all in the pay streak. 

Flo. But what do you like? Are you afraid of tlie 
water ? 

Rach. I don't know. Do they get sea sick? 

Law. Not on the river. Florence, they are catch- 
ing chameleons now in the garden. 

Flo. Oh, I want to see them! {Exit D. F.) 

Rach. So do I! {Going D. F.) 

Law. Rachel ! 

Rach. Sir! 

Law. Come here, I want to speak to you. I have 
made an important discovery. 

Rach. Land sakes! none of the trunks missing? 

Law. {Laughs.) The trunks are all right. I've 
found somebody here that Florence knows! 

Rach. Who? 

Law. That Colorado partner of — of you know whom. 

Rach. Dear me! how'd he get so far? 

Law. He is here on his wedding trip. In this hotel. 
Do you think Flossie would like to meet them? 

Rach. I don't know. It might worry her and — 

Law. Recall the old times! Just what I thought. 
But then, she might be glad to see them. They were 
very kind to her. Rough people, but good as gold. 
He is putting on style. Best rooms in the house! 

Rach. Hadn't we better keep clear of them for a 
day or two and sort of prepare her for it? 

Law. But how can you in a hotel like this? Every- 
body sees everybody else. If we weren't fatigued al- 
ready, I'd go on to Lake Worth to-day. 

Rach. Then the best way is to ask her right out, 
whether she cares to see them. 

Law. I know her answer. She'll think it a duty. 

Rach. The sooner the better then, I think. 

Law. Very well, I'll go and talk to her. {Exit D. F.) 

Rach. Well aint that odder'n Dick's hatband! The 
idee of meeting people from the four quarters of the 
globe. These tourists seem to keep on forever run- 
ning to and fro on the earth. How can they afford it? 
Money goes like water! I never dreamed o' such ex- 
pense! {Sees oranges on table.) And an orange here 

250 



it's all in the pay streak. 33 

aint nothin' more than a potato was where I was raised. 
I'm going to take one! {Takes orange.^ 

Enter Herb,, suddenly^ D. F.; Rachel, surp7'ised^ looks 
guilty and starts out quickly, D. F. ) 

Herb. {Excitedly.) Rachel! 

Rach. Mr. Herbert — what is it? 

Herb. Where's Flossie? {Lowering voice.) 

Rach. In the garden. 

Herb. I must find her at once! It is very important. 

Rach. Yes, I know. 

Herb. You know ! Have you seen Jmn ? 

Rach. Him? Who? 

Herb. Why Vance, of course ! 

Rach. {Startled.) Mercy me! Mr. Herbert, is he 
here? 

Herb. Yes, and may meet her any minute! 

Rach. {Excitedly.) That might give her a relapse. 
She's awfully nervous yet. 

Herb. I know it. What can we do? 

Rach. We must get her away at once! 

Herb. I have a different idea. 

Rach. What is that? 

Herb. I'll make him explain his conduct or — 

Rach. Oh Herbie, please dcm't think of that! 
Remember what happened before! Those miners are 
dreadful men! He'll kill you, sure! 

Herb. He'll not get a chance! I'll get the drop 
and he can apologize or do worse. I'll find him at once. 

Rach. Oh Herbert, don't. {Grasps his arm.) 

Herb. Let me go. I'll not endure such an insult 
to my sister. As long as he took me for some one else 
he had an excuse, but now that he knows I am her 
brother, his conduct is infamous. {Going D. F.) 

Rach. {Trying to restrain him.) But your father — 
speak to him first. 

Herb. Father would call him to account if they met. 

Rach. But he would not hurt your father. They 
never quarreled. 

Herb. He shall answer for his conduct. 

251 



34 IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

Rach. Oh, think of her — she loves him yet. 

Herb. I am thinking of her. The traitor! {Goes 
huri'iedly D. F. pushing Rachel aside. ^ 

Rach. {Excitedly.) What shall I do? Oh, where is 
Mr. Lawton? Another such shock will kill her. I 
must find Mr. Lawton immediately. {Exit Rach. rap- 
idly as 

Enter Rogers <2;/^ Wife, Z., riuis against R., and 
drops orange. 

RoG. Beg pardon, madam! {She ?2ever stops.) Cuss 
it, that gal's crazy. 

Mrs. R. Jim, you must quit swearin'. 

RoG. I'm tryin' my level best. Cuss it isn't swear- 
in' at all. Say, MoUie, aint this great? 

Mrs. R. What's great? 

RoG. Why, this country an' everything. Oranges 
right on the trees till they're yaller as gold, an' straw- 
berries in February. {Picks orange from floor.) 

Mrs. R. I haint seen any strawberries, Jim. They're 
not on the table. 

RoG. Well no, of course not. They go north to 
sell. Ye couldn't expect to see 'em on the table. 

Mrs. R. Why not? What's the use of havin' money 
if it won't buy things as soon as other people gets 'em 
an' as good ? 

RoG. I reckon that's right, but ye see these Floridy 
people figger both ways. The hotel makes ye pay fur 
the berries jist the same as if ye got 'em an' then sells 
'em fur market. Savvy? 

Mrs. R. I'm sick an' tired o' bacon an' canned stuff. 
Had 'em all my life in the Rocky Mountains. 

RoG. But Mollie, jist think o' the other curus 
things, the palmettos an' the alligators — 

Mrs. R. We can't eat the alligators. 

RoG. But we kin take one home in a cigyar box. 

Mrs. R. Indeed we wont. It makes me tired to 
see people trottin' round with a lot o' hand bags and 
Florida canes. 

RoG. Made in New York — 

252 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 35 

Mrs. An' alligators in boxes, smellin' like fury. 
Women doin' it, too! An' fussin over chameleons an' 
carryin' green cocoanuts home. As if sich things were 
of any account out o' their right place. 

RoG. There's another thing, Mollie, 'at makes me 
still tireder. 

Mrs. R. What's that? 

RoG. Eatin' fish. We've had 'em three times a day 
ever sence we've been in Floridy. I reckon we'll haf 
to eat all the fish in Injun river, an' there's a slew of 
'em. Wy, a man told me this mornin' 'at sometimes 
they was so thick in the river that ye couldn't row a 
boat. Oars jist slipped over solid fish as if the river 
was greased. 

Mrs. R. Jim, that man took you fur a tenderfoot. 

RoG. Mebbe so. As I don't knov/ much about Flor- 
idy I couldn't dispute him, but I up an' told him about 
that time the mountain lions were so plenty in the 
Gunnison country 'at we had to kick 'em away from 
round the fire afore we could git breakfast, an' we 
couldn't tell when it thundered fur their infernal roarin'. 
I put that at him as a sort of a feeler. 

Mrs. R. Jim, I'm sick o' the whole business. 

RoG. {JVit/i feeling.) Say now, Mollie, ye don't 
mean it. On yer weddin' trip an' tired of it? {Caress- 
ing her.) Mollie, ye don't mean nie too, do you? 

Mrs. R. {Smiling.) No, Jim, I don't mean you, 
but I'm tired bein' stared at an' pointed out. 

RoG. Wy Mollie, d'ye s'pose they're onto our 
racket? 

Mrs. R. Jim, your slang is dreadful. Can't you 
drop a little of it. Of course everybody can see that 
we are bride and groom. 

RoG. How on earth can they tell? 

Mrs. R. Humph! An' you that spoony — 

Egg. Then it's me that makes ye tired, an' my 
ways. (Sadly.) Mollie, you don't know what you have 
said. Ye're ashamed o' me. 

Mrs. R. No, I am not, Jim. I am not ashamed of 

253 



36 it's all in the pay streak. 

anything, but I am disgusted. People talk nice to our 
faces and laugh at us behind our backs. 

RoG. Why, cuss 'em. I could buy the whole 
caboodle of 'em. 

Mrs. R. No, ye couldn't, Jim, These people have 
money, and what's more, they are used to it, and get 
the worth of their money travelin'. We don't. 

RoG. Worth o' their money! How does that old 
skate git the worth o' his money who goes trottin' 
round with what he calls a. z>a//y de s/iam/?er to put his 
clothes on? MoUie, I never want nobody puttin' my 
clothes on me. Why, it aint decent. When I git as wuth- 
less as that cuss, I want 'em to take me out an' lynch me. 

Mrs. R. But when that man orders anything, the 
waiters get it at once. 

RoG. So they do fur us. I plunk down a dollar an' 
they git a gait on. 

Mrs. R. An' they laugh at ye afterwards, 

RoG. [Angry.) Laugh at me I How d'ye know? 

Mrs. R. I've overheard them. 

RoG. Well, there'll be a dead nigger if they do it 
agin. 

Mrs. R. Jim, you mustn't talk that way. We can't 
blame 'em. We don't know how to act, I guess. 

RoG. No, Mollie, I reckon we aint in it. 

Mrs. R. Let's go back home! 

RoG. All right. Vance is tired of it, too. 

Mrs. R. Vance tired? Why, he knows how to act. 
He's been with the best. 

RoG. He's sick of it. Goin' to Europe or some'ers. 

Mrs. R. Poor Vance! I'm awful sorry. D'yes'pose 
he'll ever git over that shootin' of her brother. 

RoG. No! Say, Mollie [confidentially)^ I s'pose I 
oughtn't to tell. He asked me not to, but that's why 
he's goin' so sudden. He's so restless, he can't stay 
in one place. 

Mrs, R. I'm awful sorry fur Vance. 

RoG. You bet. If I was him I'd get onto that lead 
agin or burn some powder. I never seen whiter peo- 
ple than them Lawtons. 

254 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 37 

Mrs. R. But how could they make up after^that? 

RoG. Old man is Ai. 

Mrs. R. He doesn't want to marry the old man! 

RoG. No, but I'd have an assay anyway an' see 
if there wasn't a trace. If the button wasn't bigger'n a 
pin-head I'd foller the lead. As fur the young lady, 
she's all pay streak clean through, an' a thousand dol- 
lars to the ton, an' purty as a peach. If I wasn't taken 
a'ready, MoUie — 

Mrs. R. Now Jim, don't be silly. You do say such 
things an' people hear. 

RoG. Let 'em hear! who cares? 

Mrs. R. I s'pose he's never seen her sence. 

RoG. Seein' her would be awful hard to do after 
shootin' her brother before her eyes! 

Mrs. R. But it was all a terrible mistake, nobody 
was to blame. 

RoG. D'ye think they could ever forgit that? 

Mrs. R. Mebbe not, but I b'lieve both of 'em 
would be better fur havin' a talk. Vance is too good 
an' true to go dodgin' anybody. 

RoG. That's what! 

Mrs. R. I wish they could meet. She loves him to 
death. 

RoG. D'ye think so, Mollie? 

Mrs. R. I know it. Why she nearly went out of 
her head after the shootin'. 

RoG. Why couldn't I tell him that? 

Mrs. R. {^Emphatically.') Don't think of such a 
thing. 

RoG. Hist, Mollie! {He hears Y ai<[CY. coming.) 

Enter Vance, D. F. 

Vance. Good morning, Mrs. Rogers! 

Mrs. R. Good morning, Mr. Vance! I am so glad 
to see you, I am so weary of seein' nobody but stran- 
gers an' niggers day after day. 

Vance. I'm very sorry then that I have come to an- 
nounce my immediate departure. 

Mrs. R. So ye're goin' to leave us? 

255 



38 it's all in the pay streak. 

Vance. {Sadly.) Yes, I'm sorry, but I — I have 
changed my plans. 

Mrs. R. Purty sudden, aint it? 

Vance. Rather! Well, you see, Mrs.Rogers, I'm a 
nervous, restless sort of chap. Always was, you know. 

RoG. Pard, come back to the mountains with us. 

Vance. [Surprised.) What! Are you going, too? 

RoG. Yes, Mollie's gittin' tired of society. 

Vance. I don't blame her. Such a hurly-burly, come- 
and-go sort of life as this is intolerable. 

Mrs. R. I can't bear it. 

RoG. The Grouse is all tore up about it. Says peo- 
ple make fun of us. I said let me ketch 'em at it. 

Mrs. R. (IVarm'ng/y.) Jim! 

RoG. What do I care fur 'em? I pay as I go. 

Vance. Yes, of course. 

Mrs. R. Pay as you go! Just as if money did every- 
thing. They have money an' edication, wehavenothin' 
but money. 

RoG. (Vexed.) Don't say that, Mrs.Rogers. Taint 
so. We have somethin' else. We've horse sense. 
That's more'n that old galoot with the vally de shamber 
kin say. An' look at that arm. Aint that something? 
I've driv a drill three foot into solid granite in the 
Lucy, an' I kin do it agin. An' that old gilly an' his 
vally de shamber couldn't both do that in a week, to 
save their necks. 

Mrs. R. They don't have to drill holes in rocks. 

RoG. Well, I'll drill a hole in the next feller 'at 
laughs at you, MoUie. An' I'll make it big enough 
fur him to put in a skylight. Cuss 'em, what do I care for 
Floridy, an' dudes from down East, an' gals dressed to 
kill. None of 'em as purty as you ! 

Mrs. R. Jim Rogers! 

RoG. An' if some o' them dudes aint a holy show, 
I'll eat a live alligater. 

Vance. I think you are oversensitive, Mrs. Rogers. 
You'll get used to this after a while and like it better. 

Mrs. R. Harvey Vance, why don't you like it then? 
It's your own kind. 

256 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 39 

Vance. (Uneasy,) Well — in fact I never was much 
for show and style, and — in fact it occurred to me to 
see Europe while I have a chance. [Goi/ig.) 

RoG. Goin' to pack up? 

Vance, Yes. I want to catch the next Savannah 
boat. (Exit.) 

RoG. Say Mollie, le's us pack our traps an' the 
whole outfit'Il go to Europe. 

Mrs. R. Good land! Jim Rogers, are you crazy? 
(Servant raps at door. ) 

RoG. Come in. 

Enter servant ivith card on tray. 

RoG. (Takes card.) Somebody callin' on us, Mollie. 
Waltz 'em in. (^Servant grins.) Say, looky hyur, are 
you grinnin' at me, you cussed Ethiopian monkey?"^ 
I'll break yer neck ! (Grabs at waiter who drops tray 
and flies out as RoG. throws tray after him. Mrs. R. 
fit of laughter ) Cyards everywhere I Instead o' comin' 
right in. I can't stand this foolery nether. 

Enter Mr. Law and Flo. 

Law. Mr. Rogers, I believe. 

Rog. That's me! Why, how are you, Mr. Lawton. 
Awful glad to see you. (Introducing.) My wife! Used 
to be the Grouse, you know. 

Law. Mrs. Rog-ers, I'm delighted. You remember 
my daughter. 

Mrs. R. Yes, indeed! 

Flo. Oh, very well. (They kiss.) My dear friends, 
married! Many congratulations. 

Rog. Yes, Mollie 'an me thought we'd hitch. 

Mrs. R. James! 

Rog. Get married I mean, 'an now we're on our 
weddin' tower. 

Law. Let me also extend my heartiest congratula- 
tions. (To Mrs. R.) Of course you are enjoying .your 
trip. We should never ask a bride that question. 

*If waiter is white, substitute: "You cussed dried-herrin', 
Floridy cracker." 

17 257 



40 IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

Mrs. R. Why yes —that is — 

RoG. She's kickin' a little. Haint got used to 
tippin' everybody -ever}^ time she turns round. I ain't 
carin' fur expense. 

Mrs. R. James, that's not interestin' to other folks. 
(Jim looks at her then at Mr. L.) 

Flo. I'm so glad to see you, Mrs. Rogers, you look 
so well — 

RoG. Lookin' well! I should say. Mollie, I call 
that neat. {Women aside.) 

Law. [Laughi?tg.) Rogers, {in half aside) yon'' re m 
great luck. 

RoG. You bet I I'm right on the pay streak. Han'- 
some bird and stuff to buy the feathers. 

Law. We owe you and your wife a great deal. 

RoG. Not a red! Wy, cuss it, I owe you somethin' 
I can't never pay. To think I let them fight — it makes 
me sick to think of it. Am I doin' right to mention it ? 

Law. What's done is done. 

Enter Rachel, D. F., running, out of breath. 

Rach. {Excitedly.) Oh Mr. Lawton ! 

Law. What is the matter, Rachel ? 

Flo. Rachel, speak ! 

Rach. I'm so out of breath {gasps), he's lookin' for 
him. 

RoG. {Excitedly.) Who's lookin' for who? 

Flo. Rachel, you make me nervous. 

Law. Speak Rachel! What ails your 

Rach. I've run everywhere lookin' for you. Mr. 
Herbert is lookin' for Vance. 

RoG. Herbert! Wy, he's dead! 

RoG. Yes, the jewel {duel) they fit in the mountains. 
Is that gal crazy ? 

Law. My son is not dead, he got well. 

RoG. Not dead! Got well! The cussed paper said 
he was dead. 

Law. a reporter's mistake. 

258 



IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 4I 

RoG. We'll, I'll be — that beats me. 

Flo. {Soliloquy.) That is why //^ never came. (With 
anguish.) Oh! oh! (Mrs. R. helps her to settee.) 

Law. Rachel, where are they ? 

Rach, I don't know, sir. But Mr. Herbert has a 
pistol. Oh, they'll shoot. 

Flo. That is terrible! Do stop them please! Quick! 

RoG. Lookin' fur 'im with a gun. Cuss me if that 
don't mind me of old times. I'll take a hand I 'low. 
(Changes.) Say, I haint no gun. {Excitedly.) Mollie, 
I told you we'd need a gun. 

Law. Run, you are young. Explain. Command 
peace. 

RoG. Now, how kin a man command peace with no 
gun Why, he wouldn't have no more say than a baby. 

Mrs. R. Jim, do go. Speak to them. 

RoG. Bet yer life I'll try! {Runs out D. F.) 

Law. {Anxiously.) Daughter, have courage. It'll 
be all right. What a mistake. 

Flo. But I can't see him. Take me to my room, 
papa. 

Law. Yes dear. {They start., she leaning on his arm.) 

Enter Rog., hurriedly^ D. F. 

RoG. It's all right. No shootin'. Here they are. 

Enter Vance and Herb., D. F. 

Herb. Yes, it is all right. Father, welcome Mr. 
Vance, my friend. (L. andY. shake hands cordially.) 

RoG. Mollie, I'm so awful glad, I want to raise ole 
Nick! 

Mrs. R. Jim, be still. 

Rog. Well, it's all right, pard. {Seizes \ .'s hand.) 

Vance. No, it is not all right yet. It is for the one 
most wronged to say that. {To Flo.) Miss Lawton — 

Flo. Harvey! 

Vance. Can you forgive me? {Looks at her. Pause.) 
Yes? 

Flo. Yes. {She extends her hand greatly overcome. 
They meet aside L. , others gather R. ) 

259 



42 IT S ALL IN THE PAY STREAK. 

RoG. ( J"^ MoLLiE.) I told you. Say, Mr. Lawton, 
this is a great country after all. It's good enough 
for me. 

Herb. There's luck in it, too. 

Law. It is not bad I think. 

RoG. {Turns toward V. and F.) Pard, goin' to 
Europe now ? 

Mrs. R. {Fulls at his arm.) Let 'em alone! 

Vance. Why yes; with Mr. Lawton's permission. 

Law. Vance, I leave all those things to the parties 
interested. 

Vance. What do you say, Flossie? 

Flo. Harvey — we — we'll think it over. 

RoG. That's jist the way the Grouse talked when I 
asked her. It's a go! Mollie, git to packin' the 
trunks. We'll be in the party. [Dress stage. Looks at 
watch, suddefily changes, looks at watch.) Holy Moses! 
Mollie, we're to go a fishin' to-day an' the boat's been 
waiting two hours at two dollars an hour. 

Tableau. 
R. L. 

Herb., Lawton, Mrs. R., Rog., Vance, Flo. ,Rach. 

Slow Curtain. 



260 



THE COBBLER 



A Monologue of Humor and Pathos 



By T. S. DENISON 

Author of 

Odds with the Enemy, Initiating a Granger, Wanted, a Correspondent, A 
Family Strike, Seth Greenback, Louva, the Pauper, Hans Von Smash, 
Borrowing Trouble, Two Ghosts in White, The Pull-Back, Country Jus- 
tice, The Assessor, The Sparkling Cup, Our Country, Irish Linen 
Peddler. The School Ma'am, Kansas Immigrants, An Only Daughter, 
Too Much of a Good Thing, Under the Laurels, Hard Cider, 
The Danger Signal, Wide Enough for Two, Pets of Society, 
Is the Editor In? The New Woman, Patsy O'Wang, Re- 
jected, Only Cold Tea, Madam P's Beauty Parlors, Topp's 
Twins, A First-Class Hotel, It's all in the Pay-Streak. 
The Cobbler, A Dude in a Cyclone, Friday Dialogues. 

Also the Novels, 

The Man Behind, An Iron Crown, etc. 



CHICAGO : 

T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 

163 RANDOLrH Street. 



THE COBBLER. 



THE COBBLER. 



CHARACTER. 



The Cobbler, who while examining old shoes in 
his shop, discourses about their various owners. 



Costume. 



The Cobbler should make up as old man, poorly 
dressed, gray wig, spectacles. 



COPYRIGHT, 1895, BY T. S. DENISON. 



262 



THE COBBLER. 



Scene — A cobbler s shop. Shoemaker s bench and kit, 
shelves, empty dry goods box, two paper shoe boxes, roll 
of leather leaning in corner, lasts hanging on wall, old 
shoes scattered about and scraps of leather on floor, old 
chair with one leg broken. Bench well down C. so cobbler 
can move round freely in shop. Cobbler with apron and 
make-up to suit. 

Cobbler. {As curtain rises is hamjnering a piece of 
sole leather on his lap stone.) That sole's got to be jist 
right, jist so thick an' no thicker. It's fur Lawyer 
Boyd and I 'low no more particklerer man lives this side 
o' Jordan. Always kickin' about something. Said the 
last pair o' shoes I made him didn't fit anywhere except 
on his corns. Was ashamed of 'em every time he 
plead a case. Felt humilated every time he saw 'em. 
(Plies hammer vigorously.) Plague take it! I wouldn't 
hurt a lawyer's feelin's fur the world, specially his 
feelin's. That man is downright insultin' in his ways. 
Jist because I promised him a pair o' new shoes last 
Thanksgivin' an' didn't git 'em ready till Christmas 
he stormed round like a house afire. Said I was worse 
'n the tailor an' he don't never get anything ready on 
time. Some people thinks theirs is the only job in 
town. As if a shoemaker wasn't human an' consekently 
had to fail in his promises sometimes. That old petti- 
fogger actooally said if I was responsible he'd cane 
me. I'd like to see 'im try it. It's thirty year sence 
anybody tried that game on me. But he's good pay 
an' bin my customer fur thirty odd year. An' customers 
aint none too plenty these days o' factry shoes. It's 
mostly patchin' an' people puttin' on airs as if they 

263 



4 THE COBBLER. 

was conferrin' favors lettin' you patch their old shoes. 
Old Boyd has a tongue, though, if he is a gentleman. 
Said I want no better'n a tramp printer, an' a dozen o' 
them want worth the price of a glass o' beer. Durn 
him! Cobblin' is a better business 'n the law any day. 
In my day I had the best trade in Illinois. I've made 
shoes fur judges, an' generals, yes, an' fur a president, 
too. Made one pair fur Abe Lincoln when he was up 
here in '59 pleadin' a case. He come in an', sez he, 
"I want a pair o' kip shoes, make 'em easy !" That was 
all the directions. When he come fur 'em they went 
on like grease, an', sez he, "That's the way / like 'em. " 
He didn't pinch- 'em an' stomp round the shop an* 
smell the leather an' ask if it was split. He wasn't 
that sort. He went away an' left his old ones an' like 
a fool I throwed 'em away. I'd give a thousand dollars 
fur 'em this minnit. No, I wouldn't. I couldn't afford 
to give one dollar fur 'em, but I 'low there are folks 'at 
would. 

Knocking at door. Goes to door and carj^ies on conversa- 
tion with one outside. Cobbler only is heard. 

Heh ? Minister wants his shoes? They aint done yet. 
Promised yisterday. So they was, but my old woman 
wasn't well yisterday afternoon and I had to stay at 
home with her. When '11 he git 'em? To-morrow. 
Sure? {Testily.) I said to-morrow. [Comes backdown 
grumbling.) Some people thinks ye kin do everything 
at onct. The minister kin write sermons in his slippers, 
cordin to my tell. Where are his shoes? (^Rummages.) 
Plague take it. I'm gittin' forgitfuller every day. 
People thinks a shoemaker ought to carry everything 
in his mind. Next thing they '11 be wantin' me to sleep 
with their old shoes. [Finds shoes.) Humph! Easy to 
tell they was preacher's shoes. He's mighty keerful 
of 'em. Has to be on his salary, an' people not a payin* 
up prompt. They've been blacked an' blacked till they 
aint much left but blackin' an' cracks. Not wuth 
mendin' nohow, but I s'pose I'll have to doctor 'em 
up somehow. They ought to be /(9.%'<?^ but that 'ud cost 
mor 'n they're worth. 

264 



THE COBBLER. J 

Throws shoes in pail of water with splash. Takes up 
a?iother pair. 

These are old Mrs. Green's. Now jist see the 
patches! An' she wants 'em gone over agin. Jacob's 
coat aint a circumstance to her shoes. That woman is 
tighter 'n a swelled bung. Last time I patched them 
shoes it took half a day an' I charged her fifty cents coz 
I knowed I could n't git seventy-five. She said it was 
an outrage and cut up like a drunken fiddler till I was 
ashamed of her. Said thirty-five cents was a big price 
an' she wouldn't pay a red cent more. The old skin- 
flint! {Angrily.) I jist wont fool with them shoes any 
more. {Throws them aside.) I don't care if she does 
own half tlie town. I wouldn't be in her shoes for half 
the earth. I uster want to be rich, but sence I see how 
riches has affected old Mrs. Green I'm better satisfied 
to be poor. {Noise outside.) What's all that racket? 
Cobbler goes to door and looks out. 
That's the movin' wagons. The landlord 's been 
sayin' these fifteen year he'd pull down this old place 
and build. I got sorter used to his talk and paid no 
attention to the notice. {Feels in his pockets.) Where 
is that notice ? I'm gittin' more 'n more forgitful every 
day. {Sits on bench.) Thirty odd year in one place an' 
then move! I hoped it wouldn't come in my time. 
{Chin on hands. ) I made old Judge Henry's shoes here 
an' I made Gen. Bridge's boots here, the very pair he 
was killed in at Chickamaugy an' I made Lincoln's 
shoes here. They're all dead long ago an' I'm here 
yet. Thirty year in one place. It's jist like movin' 
an' old tree. It'll most likely dwindle an' it takes 
more coddlin' than a dozen young ones an' then if it 
lives it'll never do no great things. But there aint no 
use cryin' over spilt milk. I'll have to pack up. 

Rises ^ gets big dry goods box from corner and co7timences 
to sort the old shoes. 

I 'low half this old truck might as well be burned, 
but what a fuss there'd be if some of these trumpery old 
things were lost. Old Mrs. Green would— well, I'll 
jist wrap hers up safe and sound. If they got injured I'd 

265 



6 . THE Cobbler. 

have to make her a new pair, nothin' short of it, an' 
then likely she'd want damages for the trouble I caused 
her. {^Finishes wrapping Mrs. Green's shoes and lays 
them up carefully on shelf. Picks up another pair. ) Great 
Christopher! Here's a pair of old Mrs. Jink's shoes 
and I promised 'em to-day never thinkin' of the movin'. 
There'll be music if she don't git 'em. She's the only 
person in town I don't dare to disappoint. Tried it 
Qnce an' it lasted rne twenty year. Tongue! That 
woman could talk down a parrot house any day. 
She's a buzz saw worked by 'lectricity. The old hyena ! 
Why, that time she wanted to go away visitin' her 
sister's an' her shoes wasn't quite done — such a tongue 
lashin' as I got. I don't care much for people's chin- 
nin' genally. Some I laugh at, an' some I humor, but 
I stood like a stacher before her and dasn't open my 
mouth. There must be sich things as special provi- 
dences, fur old man Jinks is deaf as a post. 

Throws some shoes into box. Takes up large pair and 
pauses. Looks intently at them. 

Why, if them aint Col. Sawyer's shoes. Might a 
known 'em by the size, biggest foot in the state I reckon. 
He never got any repairin' done 'cause I had no other 
shoes in the shop big enough for his feet to change 
into. Canal boats we uster call 'em. Why, the colo- 
nel's been gone west these ten year. An' I'm mighty 
sorry the town lost him. Soul as big as his feet — his 
immortal soul I mean. {Laughs.) He did the town 
some good. Always startin' some enterprise an' keepin' 
it a goin', too. He didn't set round till he took root 
like some people in this town. He was a customer. 
Two pairs of new shoes an' one pair of boots a year at 
ten dollars a pair. An' no patchin', 'cause he always 
said life was too short to wait fur patches. An' he 
never kicked either if I was a month or so late on 
promise. He was a gentleman an* never tried to brow- 
beat poor folks. 

Throws shoes in box. Takes up another pair. 

Farmer Snooks! {Laughs heartily.) By ginger! that 
was funny. [Laughs till he holds his sides. ) Made that 

' 266 



THE COBBLER. 7 

pair for Snooks an' agreed to take it in trade. Fust 
thing I knowed, one night when I went home, I found 
a wagon load o' turnips in the cellar. Mariar was hot 
but she's one o' them kind 'at never says much. Says 
she, "Cy, what on airth did you buy so many turnips 
fur?" Sez I, "I vumif I know. I told Snooks I'd take 
trade, but I guess I clean forgot to say what kind o' 
trade." Mariar she never said no more but jist cooked 
turnips every day fur about two months. Of course I 
dasn't say nothin', till one day she got dreadful pained 
an' sick, an' the doctor had to come on the run. He 
said she was threatened with dropisy, an' I jist fed the 
rest o' them turnips to the pigs. They kin work their 
spoiled truck off on the minister an' the editor, for they 
can't help theirselves, but they don't work it off on me 
no more. 

Takes up another pair. 

By jingo, there's an old shoe of Jake Hart's. Know 
it by the way he always run 'em down. I 'low they're 
not any worse run down than Jake was. Poor feller, 
didn't he go to the dogs after his mother left him a for- 
tune? Want a nicer woman in town than Mrs. Hart. 
But she died at the right time. Poor Jake ! Best hearted 
feller ye ever see. I made the first pair of boots he 
ever had when he wasn't higher than that. {Holds hand 
to show height. ) His mother fetched him in. He spied a 
piece of red morocco ; he would have that fur tops in spite 
of her. Jake painted everything red. Races, whiskey, 
bad company, an' then shootin' that man. Guess the 
man needed shootin,' but Jake had to vamoose. I won- 
der where he is now? Nobody'll ever know I reckon. 
It's always that way in this world, we aint missed long. 

Opens an old shoe box. 

What's this ? {Brushes of dust, reads, ' 'Nellie Blake. ' ') 
Well I vum! I didn't know that any of Nellie Blake's 
shoes was here yit. {Muses.) What' 11 I do with ///^w.? 
I can't throw them away. She was the best girl that 
ever lived in this town. There aint many angels any- 
where on earth, I 'low, but Nellie was one if there be 
any. I wonder if she would have changed if she'd have 

267 » 



S THE COBBLER. 

lived? No I guess she'd be the same to-day. Her an* 
Jake Hart was good friends. Jined yards an' played 
together. Jake went among the best then. People said 
he liked Nellie, fur after she died he seemed all broke 
up like, an' went away with his mother to travel. I 
wonder if I ought to send them shoes to her mother? I 
don't know, mebbe it would please her, seein' Nellie 
was an only child. No, I guess it might do more harm 
than good. {With feeling.) I know what that is. I 
have a little pair of shoes out at the toes that I dasn't 
show Mariar, though I know she has things of our little 
Jack hid away. (Gets out little shoes. Looks at them fondly^ 
wipes his glasses with hatidke r chief . ) These durn specs 
is gittin' so I can't see nothin'. Our little Jack! I kin 
see him now, runnin' down the street to call me to din- 
ner. He was the youngest and we took to him more 
than to tothers. I'll lay away Nellie's shoes and keep 
them along with Jack's. They was friends, too. (Wipes 
glasses.) My specs seems awful dusty. (Looks fondly 
at shoes as he puts thejn away.) Jack is waitin' fur Mariar 
an' me. It wont be very long now till we'll see him. 

Curtain. 



268 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given. 



COMEDIES, MELODRAMAS, Etc. 



All that Glitters is not Gold, 2 
acts, 2 hrs 

Aunt Dinah's Pledge, temper- 
ance, 2 acts, 1 hr 

Beggar Venus, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 
min (25c) 

Blow for Blow, 4 acts, 2 hrs... 

Bonnybell, operetta, 1 h. (25c). 

Caste, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 

Chimney Corner, 2 acts, 1 hr. 
30 min 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs 

Diplomates, 4 acts, 3 hrs. (25c) 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 
30 min , (25c) 

Early Vows, 2 acts, 1 hr. .(25c) 

East Lynne, 5 acts, 2 hrs 

Elma, The Fairy Child, 1 hr. 
45 min., operetta. ..(25c) 

Enchanted Wood (The),lhr. 
45 min., operetta (35c) 

Eulalia, 1 h. 30 min (25c) 

From Sumter to Appomattox, 
4 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min. .(25c) 

Fruits of the Wine Cup, tem- 
perance, 3 acts, 1 hr 

Handy Andy, Irish, 2 acts, 1 
hr. 30 min 

Home, 3 acts, 2 hrs 

Jedediah Judkins, J.P., 4 acts, 
2hr. 30 min (25c) 

Lady of Lyons, 5 acts, 2 hrs, 30 
min 

London Assurance, 5 acts, 2 
hrs. 30 min 

Lost in London, 3 acts, 1 hr. 45 
min 

Louva the Pauper, 5 acts, 1 hr. 
45 min 

Michael Erie, 2 acts,l hr. 30 m. 

Mitsu-Yu-Nissi, Japanese Wed- 
ding, 1 hr. 15 min 

Money, 5 acts, 3 hrs 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr 

Not such a Fool as he Looks, 3 
acts, 2 hrs 

Odds with the Enemy, 5 acts, 2 
hrs 

Only Daughter (An), 3 acts, 1 
hr. 15 min 

On the Brink, temperance, 2 
acts, 2 hrs 

Our Country, 3 acts, 1 hr 

Ours, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 30 min 

Out in the Streets, temperance, 

1 hr. 15 min 

Pet of Parsons' Ranch, 5 acts, 

2hrs 

Pocahontas,mnsical burlesque, 

2 acts, 1 hr 

Rivals, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 45 min.. 
School Ma'am (The), 4 acts, 1 

hr. 45 min 



M. F. 

6 3 



9 15 

5 6 

3 6 

6 2 

6 4 

8 3 

4 3 

7 5 

8 4 



6 6 
9 3 
4 6 



5 

7 

5 

12 

10 

6 

6 

9 

10 
8 



6 5 



12 



Sea Drift, 4 acts, 2 hrs 6 

Seth Greenback, 4 acts, 1 hr. 

15 min 7 

Shadow Castle, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 30 

min (25c) 5 

Soldier of Fortune, 5 acts, 2 

hrs. 20 min 8 

Solon Shingle 1 hr. 30 min,. .. 7 
Sparkling Cup, temperance, 5 

acts, 2 hrs 

Ten Is'ights iu a Barroom, tem- 
perance, 5 acts, 2 hrs 7 

Ticket of Leave Man, 4 acts, 2 

hrs. 45 min 8 

Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 2 

hrs. 30 min (25c) 7 

Toodles. 2 acts, 1 hr. 15 min.. 6 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 23i h. (25c) 8 
Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 1 hr. 

45 min 5 

Under the Spell, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

30min (25c) 7 

Wedding Trip (The), 2 acts, 1 

hr 

Won at Last, 3 acts, 1 hr. 45 

min 7 

Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs 8 

FARCES AND SKETCHES. 

Assessor, sketch, 10 min 3 

Babes in Wood, burlesque, 25 

min 4 

BadJob,30min 3 

Bardell vs. Pickwick, 25 min.. 6 

Beautiful Forever, 30 min 2 

Blind Margaret, musical, 30 m. 3 

Borrowing Trouble, 25 min.... 3 

Breezy Call, 25 min 2 

Bumble's Courtship, sketch, 

18 min 1 

Cabman No. 93, 40 min 2 

Christmas Ship, musical, 20 m. 4 

Circumlocution Office, 20 min. 6 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 

min 

Cut off with a Shilling, 25 min. 

Deception, 30 min 

Desperate Situation, 25 min. .. 
Dutchman in Ireland, 20 min. 
Fair Encounter, sketch, 20 m. 

Family Strike, 20 min 3 

Free-Knowledge-ist, 2 acts, 25 

min 3 

Friendly Move, sketch, 20 m.. 4 

Hans Von Smash, 30 min 4 

Hard Cider, temperance, 15 m. 4 

Homoeopathy, Irish, 30 min. ... 5 

Ici on Parle Francais, 40 m . .. 4 

I'll Stay Awhile, 20 min 4 

I'm not Mesilf at All, Irish, 25 

min 3 

Initiating a Granger, 25 min. .. 8 

In the Dark, 25 min 4 



2 
3 
4 

3 

2 

4 

4 

3 

4 
2 
3 

4 

7 3 

3 2 



3 

2 
3 
2 
'3 




T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 



DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS. 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price is Given. 



FARCES A51D SKETCHES 



In the Wrong House, 20 min. . . 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min. .. 

Is the Editor in? 20 min 

John Smith, 30 min 

Just My Luck, 20 min 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min. ., 

Kiss in the Dark, 30 min 

Larkins' Love Letters, 50 min. 

Limerick Boy, 30 min 

Love and Rain, sketch, 20 m.. 

Lucky Sixpence, 30 min 

Lucy's Old Man, sketch, 15 m. 

Mike Donovan, 15 min 

Misses Beers, 25 min 

Mistake in Identity, sketch, 15 
min 

Model of a Wife, 25 min 

Movement Cure, 15 min 

Mrs. Gamp's Tea, sketch, 15 m. 

My Jeremiah, 20 min 

My Lord in Livery, 45 min 

My Neighbor's Wife, 45 min... 

My Turn Next, 50 min 

Narrow Escape, sketch, 15 m.. 

Not at Home, 15 min 

On Guard, 25 min 

Persecuted Dutchman, 35 min. 

Pets of Society, 30 min 

Played and Lost, sketch, 15 m. 

Pull Back, 20 min 

Quiet Family, 45 min 

Realm of Time, musical al- 
legory, 30 min 

Regular Fix, 50 min 

Rough Diamond, 40 min 

Row in Kitchen and Politician's 
Breakfast, 2 monologues... 

Silent Woman, 25 min 

Slasher and Crasher, 1 h.l5 m. 

Squeers' School, sketch, 18 m.. 

Taming a Tiger, 20 min 

That Rascal Pat, 35 min 

Too Much of a Good Thing, 50 
min 

Turn Him Out, 50 min 

Twenty Minutes Under Um- 
brella, sketch, 20 min 

Two Bonnycastles,45 min. ... 

Two Gi^y Deceivers, 25 min 

Two Gents in a Fix, 20 min. . . 

Two Ghosts in White, 25 min. 

Two Puddifoots, 40 min 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min . 

Very Pleasant Evening, 30 m. . 

Wanted a Correspondent, 1 hr. 

Which Will He Marry? 30 m . . 

White Caps (The), musical, 30 
min 

Who Told The Lie? 30 min... 

Wide Enough for Two, 50 min. 

Women of Lowenburg, histori- 
cal sketch, 5 scenes, 50m.. 

Woman Hater (The), 30 min.. 



M. 


P. 


4 





3 


3 


4 


2 


5 


3 


4 


3 


5 


1 


2 


3 


3 


2 


5 


2 


1 


1 


4 


2 


2 


3 


1 


3 


3 


3 





2 


3 


2 


5 








2 


3 


2 


4 


3 


3 


3 


4 


3 





2 


2 





4 


2 


6 


3 





7 


3 


2 





6 


4 


4 


8 


15 


6 


4 


4 


3 


1 


1 


2 


1 


5 


2 


4 


2 


3 





3 


2 


3 


6 


3 


3 


1 


1 


3 


3 


3 





2 








8 


3 


3 


3 


2 


3 





4 


4 


2 


8 





8 


5 


3 


5 


•7 


10 


10 


2 


1 



Wonderful Letter, 25 min 4 

Wooing Under Difficulties, 35 

min 4 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 



ETHIOPIAN FARCES. 

Academy of Stars, 15 min 

All Expenses: Or, Nobody's 

Son, 10 min 

Baby Coach Parade, 20 min.. 
Back from Calif orny ; Or, Old 

Clothes, 12 min 

Deaf, In a Horn, 12 min 

Hamlet the Dainty, 15 min 

Handy Andy, 12 min 

Haunted House, 8 min 

Joke on Squinim (The). 25 m.. 

Jumbo Jum, 30 min 

Mischievous Nigger (The), 20 

min 

No Cure, No Pay, 10 min 

Othello and Desdemona, 12 m. 
Prof. Black's Funnygraph, 15 

min 

Quarrelsome Servants, 8 min.. 

Rooms to Let, 15 min 

Sham Doctor (The), 15 min. . . 

Sports on a Lark, 8 min 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min. .. 
Stocks Up, Stocks Down, 8 m.. 

Tricks, 10 min 

Two Pompeys (The), 8 min 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min 

Unhappy Pair (An) , 10 min . . . 
Villikens and His Dinah 20 m. 
Wax Works at Play, 30 min. . . 
William Tell, 15 min 






5 1 

2 
4 2 



4 2 

3 1 

2 

6 

3 



2 


1 


4 





3 





2 


1 


2 





5 


2 


4 





5 


2 


3 





4 


1 


3 


1 


4 






The publisher believes that he can 
say truthfully that Denison's list of 
plays is on the whole the best se- 
lected and most successful in the 
market. Nexo Flays will be added 
from time to time. 

3fanuscripts, not only of plays but 
of any books similar to those in Den- 
ison's catalogue, will receive careful 
attention and if accepted will be 
paid for at current prices. 



"tf^^T 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher, I63 Randolph St., Chicago. 



CHOICE PLAYS AND AMUSEMENT BOOKS. 



Plays by T. S. DENISON. 

That the plays written by T. S. Deni- 
son are, all things considered, the best 
for amateurs, is attested by their very 
large and increasing sale. 

New plays in this type. 

COMEDIES. 

ACTS. TIME. M. ¥. 

Odds With the Enemy, 5, 2 hrs. 7 — 4 
Seth Greenback, - 4, i h. 15 m. 7 — 3 
The School Ma'am, - 4, ih. 45 m. 6 — 5 
Only Daughter, - 3, i h. 15 m. 5 — 2 
Louva, the Pauper, - 5, 2 hrs. 9 — 4 
Under the Laurels, - 5, 2 hrs. 5 — 4 
Danger Signal, - 2, 1 h. 45 m. 7 — 4 
Our Country, Histori- 
cal Play, - - - 3, I h. 10 — 5 

Topp's Twins, - 4, 2 hrs. 6—4 
It's all in Pay Streak, 3, i h. 40 m. 4—3 
The New Woman, - 3, ih. 3—6 



FARCES. 

ACTS. TIME. M. F. 

Initiating a Granger, - 25 m. 8— 

Wanted, a Correspondent, 2. 45 m. 4 — 4 

A Family Strike, - - 20 m. 3 — 3 

Two Ghosts in White, - 20 m. — 8 

The Assessor, - - - 10 m. 3 — 2 

Borrowing Trouble, - 20 m. 3 — 5 

Country Justice, - - 20 m. 8^ 

The Pull-Back, - - 20 m. — 6 

Hans von Smash, - - 2, 30 m. 4 3 

Irish Linen Peddler, - 2, 40 m. 3—3 

Kansas Immigrants, - 20 m. 5 — i 

Too Much of Good Thing, 45 m. 3 — 6 

Is the Editor In? - - 2oni. 4— 2 

Pets of Society, - - 20 m. • — 7 

Wide Enough for Two, - 45 m. 5 — 2 

Patsy O'Wang, - - 35 in. 4—3 

Rejected, - - - - 4oin. 5— 3 

A First=CIass Hotel, - 20 m. 4 — 
Mad. Princeton's Temple 

of Beauty, - - - 20 in. — 6 

Dude in Cyclone, - 20 m. 5—3 

The Cobbler, - - - 10 m. i — 



TEMPERANCE. 



The Sparkling Cup, 

Hard Cider, 

Only Cold Tea, - 



2 hrs. 12 — 4 
10 m. 4 — 2 

20 m. 3 — 3 



;e®=Topp's Twins and If s all in 
the Pay Streak, 35c. each. All 

others, 15c. each. Postpaid. 
Large Catalogue Free. 



DIALOGUES. 

Friday Afternoon Dialogues. 

Twenty-tive original pieces, - 25c. 

When the Lessons are Over. 

New Dialogues, New Drills. New 
Plays, 25c. 

Dialogues from Dickens. 

Thirteen Selections, - - - 25c. 
All Sorts of Dialogues. 

Just out. Dialogues for youths, chil- 
dren, and little tots, also pieces for 
special occasions, - - - 25c. 

SPEAKERS. 

Friday Afternoon Speaker. 

For pupils of all ages, - - 25c. 

Choice Pieces for Little People, 25c. 

Patriotic Speaker. 

Carefully selected from best authors, 

25c. 
Dialect Readings. 

Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc., 25c. 

Sunday School Pieces, = 25c. 

Scrap=Book Recitations. 

A choice collection of pieces, pathetic, 
humorous, descriptive, prose and 
poetry. Eleven Nos., per No. 25c. 

TABLEAUX AND SHADOWS. 

Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare them, 

25c. 
School and Parlor Tableaux. 

For school, church and parlor, 25c. 
Wax Figgers of firs. Jarley. 

With full directions for preparing, 25c. 

OPERETTAS. 

Bonnybell, 25c. 

Elma, the Fairy Child, - - 25c. 

Eulalia, 25c. 

Enchanted Wood, - - - 35c. 

Pocahontas, 15c. 

SPECIALTIES. 

Private Theatricals. 

How to select plays, form, cast, re- 
hearsals, rain, lighming, etc., 25c. 

Negro riinstrels. 
Just the book needed. Tells the 
whole thing, . . - - 25c. 

Work and Play 

A gem of a book for children in school 
or church entertainments, - 25c. 

Pranks and Pastimes. 

All sorts of games, puzzles, shadow 
scenes, etc., for evening parties, 25c. 

Social Card Games. 

An excellent manual of all common 
games, also tricks a.Y\A diversions, 35c. 

Debater's Handbook (cloth), - 50c. 

Good Manners, - - - - 25c. 

Everybody's Letter=Writer, - 25c. 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 163 Randolph St., Chicago. 



SCRAP-BOOK RECITATIONS, 

By HENRY Wl. SOPER, ' 

President of Soper School of Oratory, Chicago. 
Twelve Numbers, 144 pp. Each, Post Paid, 85 Cents Per Number. 



No. 1. Contains a great range of 
pieces lor all ages, from 10 years 
upward. Also the "FATHER OF 
HIS COUISITRY," an admirable 
exercise, arranged for schools: 
Music, Recitations, Dialogues, Tab- 
leaux, etc. 
" Excells anything we have ever 

seen for the purpose."— ^cZecZlic 

Teacher. 

No. 2. Contains prize oration, "Bat- 
tle of Gettysburg" (in no other 
publication). Also "TEMPER- 
ANCE SUPPLEMENT," comprising 
some of the finest recitations ex- 
tant. 
" The selections are fresh, pure and 

elevating." — Missouri Teacher. 

No. 3. Has "The Problem of Life," 
from Theodore Tilton's master ora- 
tion (published nowhere else), 
" The Battle of Cannse," a copy- 
righted Historical Poem; 
"CHRISTMAS SUPPLEMENT, of 
Recitations and Dialogues. 
" There is such a variety of prose 
and poetry, pathos, fun and nar- 
rative as is not often found in the 
compass of one small book."— Prac- 
tical Teacher. 

No. 4. Has the finest Decoration 
Day Poem extant.— "The Heroes 
and the Flowers ; " A Heroic Medley ; 
"Battle of Mission Ridge ; " A Tem- 
perance Song Recital; Choice 
Humor, etc, 
"Good in variety and will suit all 

moods and cond iti o ns.''— /fti!er 

Ocean, Chicago. 

No. 6. Contains the famous " Char- 
iot Race" from "Ben Hur;" copy- 
righted selection by Bill Nye; 
Grady's "New South;" Wit, 
Humor, Pathos, etc., in great 
variety, 
" Some of the best specimens of the 

patriotic and humorous styles."— A^. 

Y. School Journal. 

No. 6. Has the "Ballad of Mary 
Jane," a Popular School Pantomime 
. and Recitation, 6 characters; A 
Humorous Medley; Riley's "Elf 
Child;" Fine Eulogies on Grant and 
Logan. 



No. 7. Has "Cupid among the 
Strawberries," One Act Comedy 
(2 males and 3 females), "Mission 
of the Press," a prize oration; In- 
galls' Eulogy on Burns; How Blinks 
Named the Baby, and much of 
latest humor, etc. 

No. 8. SOPER'S PATRIOTIC 
SPEAKER.— Washington Centen- 
nial Speeches of Depew, Albertson, 
Mason, Mclntyre, Gunsaulus, 
Hirsch, Burrows, Thurston, Blake; 
also Choicest Patriotic Orations and 
Poems, from Cicero down to the 
present day; for all occasions. 

No. 9. Has the famous Interstate 
College Contest Oration, "Individ- 
ualism in Society " by M. H. Lyon ; 
" How It Really Was," a humorous 
dialogue (4 characters); "Irish 
Molly," new heroic historical poem ; 
"Queen of the May," introducing 
several characters ; appropriate 
songs, recitations, etc. Several 
other fine selections. 

No. 10. Contains selections for 
Washington's Birthday, Thanks- 
giving and other holidays. This 
number is largely humorous, pieces 
by Robt. Burdette, Mark Twain, 
T. S. Deuison, Detroit Free Press; 
Also "Auntie's Courtship;" "The 
Bicycle Girl;" "The Facial Family;" 
"Presentation of the Trumpet;" etc. 
" The selections are admirable." — 

Eli Perkins {Melville E. Landon). 

No. 11. Full of new and good 
things; will be fully up to its pre- 
decessors. Contains Prize Contest 
Orations. SUPPLEMENT OF 
ORIGINAL SELECTIONS by W. H. 
Head, including: "He Laughed at 
Fire," monologue for a man (very 
funny) ; " The Trials of a Colum- 
bian Guard;" humorous dialect 
recitation, "Dot New Song," etc. 
Ready April 1, 1895. 

SOPEK'S DIALECT READINGS. 
Full of Fun— French, German, Ne- 
gro, Scotch, Yankee, Chinese, 
Hoosier, Italian, Cockney and York- 
shire Dialects, 144 pages, 25 cts. 
" Just the thing for those in search 

of recitations in dialects."— Po^jw^ar 

Educator. 



T. S. DENISON, Publisher, 
163 Randolph Street, . - - - . 



CHICAGO. 



